The post something funny thread

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

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I hope, sore feet aside, your first week went well and you're liking what you're doing!

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

WISDOM



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the che ese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of chiles. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.


A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."


The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant, and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."


And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"


Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

· The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

· I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

· My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

· I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

· After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

· I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

· Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

· The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

· My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

· A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."



· I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position.

One says, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"The rodeo position? Not sure I've ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, you mount her from behind, you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear........ 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's' ....

.. and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

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It's hell getting old...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. But she couldn't get the jar open either."





The New Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"




A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a decent living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.


The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me! “

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer.”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started.”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good, "said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off!

 

[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Not quite so sore as I was. I can't wait to get used to it again. Oh and thanks guys!

Don you went on a roll there!

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

I have a lot of e-mails that I haven't been able to forward in a timely manner, so I decided to share some here and there on JUB.

 

[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

I have a lot of e-mails that I haven't been able to forward in a timely manner, so I decided to share some here and there on JUB.

Hey, I aint complaining!

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Retiring in Florida

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap @!%&.

I hope this material has been of help to you retirees and future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.


Five rules to remember in life ......

This is not new, but very important to remember!

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot.


SURROUND YOURSELF
WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH...

Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog. Then, check the explanation at the end.

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The story behind this picture is this:
Every day - at the same time - she waits for him.
Sometimes she barks to call him.
He comes; they rub and greet each other
And they go for a walk.
They have done this for 5 years
And no, they don't belong to the same owners.
The owners didn't know until neighbors, seeing them together so frequently,
Commented to the cat's owner, who then followed the dog home
And discovered it was a distance away, not in a house close by or next door.
How it started no one knows.
Wouldn't it be great to have friends like this
Always there, no words needed,they just intuitively recognize
The value of each other in their lives and act accordingly.
Live, Laugh, Love
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.

A wise person once said ...There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.
You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.
So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

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[star-warrior]

Re: The post something funny thread.

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Carnation milk-65 Years Ago.


This is PRICELESS.....

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,

"Ma'am,... The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry; so much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is:

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(True Story, according to the e-mail.)
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[frankfrank]

Re: The post something funny thread.

View attachment 1020226

 

[Gentleheart]

Re: The post something funny thread.

LOL this thread is an endless source of laughs. thanks to everyone who contributes.

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

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[QueenxElsa]

Re: The post something funny thread.

 

[ravenstar]

Re: The post something funny thread.

View attachment 1018354

Ha! Love it.

 

[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Good morning guys!

 

[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

More funnies!

 

[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Happy hump day guys!

 

[QueenxElsa]

Re: The post something funny thread.

 

[DonQuixote]

Re: The post something funny thread.

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[Poozy1]

Re: The post something funny thread.

Funnies for thee!