CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
I am sad that Will and Layla broke up but thats life I guess. I wonder if she will get with someone else now... Excellent writing and I eagerly await the next portion!
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The Prayers in Rossford
- Thread starter ChrisGibson
- Start date
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
I was sad for them to break up too, but there was a reason for it that I can't go into now without giving a way a long game. And then, of course, you're right. It is life, and in life people don't usually stay together, so I had to take a sad bow to reality, here. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CHANGING
IDEAS CONTINUED
“I am Jewish now. My mother was, so that makes me one too, I guess,” Melanie said. “When I was a little girl we went to church. My father was Lutheran. Me and my sisters—”
“You have sisters.”
“Three,” she told Tara. “We went to Christian school. We went to church all the time. By the time I was eighteen I had figured out that I was an atheist. Religion was a crutch. Religion was something people made up to feel better about themselves. Incidentally, I still think it is.”
“I was never an atheist,” Tara said. “I was never… a good Christian or anything. But I never thought I was an atheist.”
“Atheists are boring,” Melanie said. “There’s no poetry in atheism. When you start talking about God, that’s poetry. Religion is the language of poetry. The moment you put God away you put away… the soul of your vocabulary. You can’t even say the word soul. You can’t even have wonder. You try for it, but…” Melanie shrugged.
“My stepkids, when I was married—to another atheists—were forbidden to read The Chronicles of Narnia. We had to read Philip Pullman.”
“The Golden Compass.”
Melanie nodded, “Which was good. Sort of, during book one. But it got kind of old after book two and then didn’t make any sense at book three. He said he wanted to write “a myth for the Enlightenment.” This was the man who said he didn’t like Narnia because all of the kids died. He said, and I know because my ex had me listen to this, the lesson should have been that now that Narnia had taught these kids, they were to live in the world as productive members of society. Productive members of society. What kind of story is that? It’s just…. Morality. I became an atheist to get away from moralizing, but all it is is moralizing and ‘teaching lessons.’”
Tara said, “Well then how did you get from there, to the synagogue?”
“Like this. It was The Festival of Human Light—”
“The what?”
“It’s like Atheist Christmas.”
“Is it as bad as it sounds?”
Melanie touched Tara’s hand and grinned. “When you’re an atheist, everything is as bad as it sounds. It’s worse than being an Evangelical. You’re always trying to prove why you’ve found the light. And the light is: that there is no light.
“So, anyway, I was at the Feast of Human Life hearing a lecture about evolution—stop laughing, it’s not funny. Okay, it is. And Bob had just left me. So anyway, a friend said, ‘This is really what it’s all about. Isn’t it?’ And I just looked at him and I thought: ‘No. It’s not. Why the fuck am I here?’
“I was still in Chicago at the time. I walked out of the convention hall where we were, went to the parking lot, got in the car and just drove until I saw a synagogue. I remember, I wasn’t thinking about belief or… unbelief or anything. It was the first night of Chanukah, and it was dark already, and folks were crossing the street, going into that big old building. And the lights were shining from it. And I just thought of… the light. I thought to myself, the Festival of Human Light! I wanted it. I just parked and put aside all my questions. I knew I didn’t have to make any… sort of decision. I could just go in and enjoy it. So I did.
“I can imagine this must all be very boring.”
“No, it’s not boring at all,” Tara said. “I want to know what happens next. What happened next?”
“I… I went inside. I began to read books. On being Jewish. Almost as soon as I went to synagogue I had all of these feelings. One, for me it was so much more real than church. It was so much more where I should have been. But then, in certain ways it was, truthfully, even more boring than church. And there were things I disliked about it. I always had problems with organized religion, with being cliquey and clannish. But here it was all over again. Racial pride, every time I heard about Chanukah it was more bitching about Christmas or Christians and I just decided I had to make it personal, make my own religion. But the moment I decided that was the moment I knew I had a religion.”
Tara sat back. “Do you mind if I don’t have religion? I don’t mind it. I just never… You sound like you stumbled into it.”
“I did,” Melanie said. “And you can’t make yourself stumble into something.”
“So it’s split up with you and Will,” her uncle said.
“That would seem to be the way of it,” Layla said, nodding her head.
“Well, the good part,” Todd her, “is that you were the one to split it up.”
“I don’t know if I was right though,” Layla confessed. “I have this huge temper.”
Her uncle nodded from behind his cup of coffee.
“I don’t know if it was too much. I don’t know if I expected too much. Or…” she shrugged.
“Layla,” Fenn said, “you do have a terrible temper.”
“Thank you, Fenn.”
“But,” her uncle held up his finger, “I have never known it to be a misguided one, or one that was unjustified. You always see what’s going on.”
“Will said, and maybe I made too much of it, that what was most important was school. I know that’s important. I’m not stupid. But he said that us, me and him, had to go on the backburner.”
“Will thinks the most important thing to do is be successful,” Todd summed it up, folding his arms across his chest. “And then when he’s secure he can concentrate on love.”
“Yes,” Layla said, gratefully. “That’s just it. And, I…”
“You think love is everything.”
Layla nodded. She said, “Yes. I didn’t know I did, but that’s it. I can’t have someone who doesn’t believe that. And when Will said that, well then I knew that’s what he believed.”
Dena had been quiet this whole time.
“I liked Will,” she said. Then she added, “But there’s no end to the men knocking down Layla’s door.”
“I was single for sixteen years,” Layla said. “I don’t know that I have to not be single again so soon. That part was always strange. I always hated people that had to have somebody.
“I just don’t want to be compromised,” she discovered. “I just… don’t want to be with someone and know it’s not what I want. Maybe I’m thinking this through too much for a seventeen year old.”
“You’ll be eighteen in a month,” Fenn pointed out. “And it’s never too early to start thinking about stuff.”
“You know, Layla, your uncle’s the first boyfriend I ever had.”
“I am not!”
“I said the first boyfriend, not the first…”
“There are children in the room,” Fenn said.
“Well, you know what I mean.”
“At any rate, I was far too old to be anyone’s boyfriend by the time you met me,” Fenn said.
“At any rate,” Todd said, “the point is I never wanted to pick someone who I knew wasn’t the right person. I think people just cheat themselves jumping on any old person. So you’re doing the right thing, Layla.”
Suddenly Dena said, “I saw Dad this weekend.”
Todd looked at his niece, sharply.
“He came to town. Mom told me. I went to visit him.” She added. “He’s gone now, Todd.”
Todd was still looking at her carefully.
“How did the visit go?”
“From the look on her face, not that hot,” Fenn surmised.
Dena shook her head. “No, not that hot.”
When Todd’s look changed, Dena said, “I’ll talk about it later.”
“You might as well talk about it now,” Layla told her.
Dena seemed to consider this, and then said, “He was distracted the first time I came. And then second time…. I don’t think he came for me at all. Or for a conference. What kind of conferences do you have in Rossford?”
“I would say a used car one,” Fenn said. “But Kirk Hanley’s shit has been shut down.”
“When I came to the hotel,” Dena continued, “I found Dad having sex.”
Layla made a noise, but Todd looked uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Dena had been looking down at the table, perplexed. Now she looked up, fiercely, and said, “With Keith McDonald!”
IDEAS CONTINUED
“I am Jewish now. My mother was, so that makes me one too, I guess,” Melanie said. “When I was a little girl we went to church. My father was Lutheran. Me and my sisters—”
“You have sisters.”
“Three,” she told Tara. “We went to Christian school. We went to church all the time. By the time I was eighteen I had figured out that I was an atheist. Religion was a crutch. Religion was something people made up to feel better about themselves. Incidentally, I still think it is.”
“I was never an atheist,” Tara said. “I was never… a good Christian or anything. But I never thought I was an atheist.”
“Atheists are boring,” Melanie said. “There’s no poetry in atheism. When you start talking about God, that’s poetry. Religion is the language of poetry. The moment you put God away you put away… the soul of your vocabulary. You can’t even say the word soul. You can’t even have wonder. You try for it, but…” Melanie shrugged.
“My stepkids, when I was married—to another atheists—were forbidden to read The Chronicles of Narnia. We had to read Philip Pullman.”
“The Golden Compass.”
Melanie nodded, “Which was good. Sort of, during book one. But it got kind of old after book two and then didn’t make any sense at book three. He said he wanted to write “a myth for the Enlightenment.” This was the man who said he didn’t like Narnia because all of the kids died. He said, and I know because my ex had me listen to this, the lesson should have been that now that Narnia had taught these kids, they were to live in the world as productive members of society. Productive members of society. What kind of story is that? It’s just…. Morality. I became an atheist to get away from moralizing, but all it is is moralizing and ‘teaching lessons.’”
Tara said, “Well then how did you get from there, to the synagogue?”
“Like this. It was The Festival of Human Light—”
“The what?”
“It’s like Atheist Christmas.”
“Is it as bad as it sounds?”
Melanie touched Tara’s hand and grinned. “When you’re an atheist, everything is as bad as it sounds. It’s worse than being an Evangelical. You’re always trying to prove why you’ve found the light. And the light is: that there is no light.
“So, anyway, I was at the Feast of Human Life hearing a lecture about evolution—stop laughing, it’s not funny. Okay, it is. And Bob had just left me. So anyway, a friend said, ‘This is really what it’s all about. Isn’t it?’ And I just looked at him and I thought: ‘No. It’s not. Why the fuck am I here?’
“I was still in Chicago at the time. I walked out of the convention hall where we were, went to the parking lot, got in the car and just drove until I saw a synagogue. I remember, I wasn’t thinking about belief or… unbelief or anything. It was the first night of Chanukah, and it was dark already, and folks were crossing the street, going into that big old building. And the lights were shining from it. And I just thought of… the light. I thought to myself, the Festival of Human Light! I wanted it. I just parked and put aside all my questions. I knew I didn’t have to make any… sort of decision. I could just go in and enjoy it. So I did.
“I can imagine this must all be very boring.”
“No, it’s not boring at all,” Tara said. “I want to know what happens next. What happened next?”
“I… I went inside. I began to read books. On being Jewish. Almost as soon as I went to synagogue I had all of these feelings. One, for me it was so much more real than church. It was so much more where I should have been. But then, in certain ways it was, truthfully, even more boring than church. And there were things I disliked about it. I always had problems with organized religion, with being cliquey and clannish. But here it was all over again. Racial pride, every time I heard about Chanukah it was more bitching about Christmas or Christians and I just decided I had to make it personal, make my own religion. But the moment I decided that was the moment I knew I had a religion.”
Tara sat back. “Do you mind if I don’t have religion? I don’t mind it. I just never… You sound like you stumbled into it.”
“I did,” Melanie said. “And you can’t make yourself stumble into something.”
“So it’s split up with you and Will,” her uncle said.
“That would seem to be the way of it,” Layla said, nodding her head.
“Well, the good part,” Todd her, “is that you were the one to split it up.”
“I don’t know if I was right though,” Layla confessed. “I have this huge temper.”
Her uncle nodded from behind his cup of coffee.
“I don’t know if it was too much. I don’t know if I expected too much. Or…” she shrugged.
“Layla,” Fenn said, “you do have a terrible temper.”
“Thank you, Fenn.”
“But,” her uncle held up his finger, “I have never known it to be a misguided one, or one that was unjustified. You always see what’s going on.”
“Will said, and maybe I made too much of it, that what was most important was school. I know that’s important. I’m not stupid. But he said that us, me and him, had to go on the backburner.”
“Will thinks the most important thing to do is be successful,” Todd summed it up, folding his arms across his chest. “And then when he’s secure he can concentrate on love.”
“Yes,” Layla said, gratefully. “That’s just it. And, I…”
“You think love is everything.”
Layla nodded. She said, “Yes. I didn’t know I did, but that’s it. I can’t have someone who doesn’t believe that. And when Will said that, well then I knew that’s what he believed.”
Dena had been quiet this whole time.
“I liked Will,” she said. Then she added, “But there’s no end to the men knocking down Layla’s door.”
“I was single for sixteen years,” Layla said. “I don’t know that I have to not be single again so soon. That part was always strange. I always hated people that had to have somebody.
“I just don’t want to be compromised,” she discovered. “I just… don’t want to be with someone and know it’s not what I want. Maybe I’m thinking this through too much for a seventeen year old.”
“You’ll be eighteen in a month,” Fenn pointed out. “And it’s never too early to start thinking about stuff.”
“You know, Layla, your uncle’s the first boyfriend I ever had.”
“I am not!”
“I said the first boyfriend, not the first…”
“There are children in the room,” Fenn said.
“Well, you know what I mean.”
“At any rate, I was far too old to be anyone’s boyfriend by the time you met me,” Fenn said.
“At any rate,” Todd said, “the point is I never wanted to pick someone who I knew wasn’t the right person. I think people just cheat themselves jumping on any old person. So you’re doing the right thing, Layla.”
Suddenly Dena said, “I saw Dad this weekend.”
Todd looked at his niece, sharply.
“He came to town. Mom told me. I went to visit him.” She added. “He’s gone now, Todd.”
Todd was still looking at her carefully.
“How did the visit go?”
“From the look on her face, not that hot,” Fenn surmised.
Dena shook her head. “No, not that hot.”
When Todd’s look changed, Dena said, “I’ll talk about it later.”
“You might as well talk about it now,” Layla told her.
Dena seemed to consider this, and then said, “He was distracted the first time I came. And then second time…. I don’t think he came for me at all. Or for a conference. What kind of conferences do you have in Rossford?”
“I would say a used car one,” Fenn said. “But Kirk Hanley’s shit has been shut down.”
“When I came to the hotel,” Dena continued, “I found Dad having sex.”
Layla made a noise, but Todd looked uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Dena had been looking down at the table, perplexed. Now she looked up, fiercely, and said, “With Keith McDonald!”
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
Interesting to hear some of Melanie's history. I hope Layla and Will work things out. I wonder how everyone is going to react to Dena's news about her father and Keith McDonald? I guess I will have to wait and see. Great section and I look forward to more!
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
It will be interesting to see what Keith McDonald does. He's certainly reverting back to old ways? How long can he keep being a priest and do what he's doing?
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
I hadn't thought about that but you are right he might not be a priest for much longer if the church finds out.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
We just don't know (collective shrug).
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CHANGING
IDEAS CONTINUED
“Hey Big Brother, what’s up?” Claire looked up from her lunch.
Paul threw his tray down in front of his sister and said, “I think me and Kirk are going away.”
“What?” It came out of Radha and Julian’s mouths first.
“Well the car business is shutting down, right? And Kirk hates cars anyway. He wants to go to California.”
“Everybody wants to go to California,” Radha dismissed this. “And you’ve already been. Tell him it’s not all that.”
“Well, he wants to move out west.”
“Do you?” Claire and Radha said at the same time, and then looked at each other.
Claire repeated: “Do you?”
“I wanna be wherever Kirk is,” Paul said simply.
“But what about school?” Chad demanded.
“I’m going to finish up this year. Besides, I don’t even know if school is for me. I haven’t been able to get into it like I hoped. Kirk is for me, and wherever he wants to go, I’m going to go.”
“California is pretty far away,” Julian told him.
“What about Chicago?” Jesse suggested.
Paul shrugged.
“It’s up to him. He’s never had a chance to dream. I have.”
“But…” Claire began. “It’s not like you had a great Hollywood life, Pauley.”
“Yeah, Claire, I know that,” Paul said a little aggressively. “But it was a life I chose. I decided to go out there, and I decided to come back. I’ve had a lot of choices. That’s not the way it’s been for Kirk. He never got to have a dream. So…. Now he does.”
“I can’t believe that business is shutting down,” Julian said, partly because it was true, and partly because he wanted to defuse things. “It’s been there my whole life.”
“It’s just up the street from your house, right?” Paul said.
Julian nodded.
“Well,” Claire said, weakly, touching her brother’s hand. “Whatever you choose.”
“I think I meant to say whatever you choose I support,” Claire said.
“He knew you meant that.”
“But I didn’t mean it, Radha,” Claire said, turning around from the mirror and walking to the large bed where she flopped down.
“Chad’s screwing Brian Babcock, my brother’s running off to California with Kirk and…. Noah just fucking disappeared with James. Everyone’s doing all this crazy shit and I wish I could control it. I wish I could say… Stop! Let’s make some goddamn sense, people!”
Radha chuckled.
“You know what the worst thing is?” Claire told her friend.
“Hum?”
“I get the feeling that it’s not the world that’s crazy. It’s me. For trying to control everything.”
With the burning roach in one hand, Radha sat down beside her friend and put the other hand on Claire’s head.
“Well, now, Claire, that’s good news, actually.”
Claire looked up at her, waiting for an answer.
Radha smiled. “Honey, it’s a lot easier to fix one crazy bitch, than to fix the whole world.”
“I found out where she is!” Aiden said, sitting at the table.
Mark sat down, shaking his head and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Layla.”
“Oh... I screwed that whole thing up.”
“Well, unscrew it up,” Aiden said.
“You know what? You’re one crazy Mexican.”
“Puerto Rican. Shall we go?”
Mark shrugged and said, “Hell, we shall go!”
“So this is a campus,” Mark said.
“Dude, I know you’ve seen a college campus before.”
“I’ve never seen this college campus,” Mark told him. “Smart ass.”
“You’re the one trying to make me a Mexican.”
“Hey, nothing wrong with Mexicans.”
“No, not unless you’re Peurto Rican. Hey, park over there.”
“Dena said Layla would be in Camden Hall. Is this Camden Hall?”
“You know what? We could actually walk to Camden Hall.”
“No we couldn’t,” Mark objected. “It’s too cold.”
“Um,” Aiden reflected, “I thought white folks loved the cold.”
“No,” Mark said, levelly. “We just think that if we pretend it’s not real it’ll disappears.”
“Explains that whole wearing sandals in winter.”
“Explains the pneumonia.”
Radha heard Claire calling her name from down the hall.
“Ra-Dha!”
“I really need to shut my door.”
“Look,” Claire said, bursting into the room. “These fine boys here—” she pinched Aiden Michaelson’s cheek, “are looking for our Layla.”
“Well, our Layla isn’t here,” Radha said, winking at the dumbfounded Mark. “But I am.”
“Oh,” Mark grinned at her stupidly. “I’m Mark.”
“Radha Hatangady,” Radha thrust out her hand, jangling with brass bangles. “Whaddo you need our girl Layla for?”
“I… uh…” Mark began. But Aiden stepped in front of her and said, “Nothing at all.”
“Not that the Puerto Rican one wasn’t nice to look at,” Claire began. “Because he was, and if I wasn’t attached to someone, then—”
“If you weren’t attached to someone what?” Julian said coming in.
“If she weren’t attached to you, then she’d wish she were,” Radha finished, coming up and pinching his cheek.
“What I was saying,” Claire began again, “is that the Mark guy, the one with that red hair, was looking at you and liking what he saw, and… I think you liked what you saw too?”
“Really?” Julian said.
“Really what?” Jesse came in.
“Damn, everybody eavesdrops,” Radha said.
“Basically, “Claire told him, “your sister just had a gentleman caller.”
Jesse looked at her, “Radha!”
“I didn’t fuck anybody!”
“Oh,” Claire said, “No. That’s not what I meant. These two guys came looking for your sister,” she said to Julian. “Only one of them, I’m sure, fell for Radha. And I think Radha fell for him.”
“Bitch, I did not,” Radha said. “Quit trying to put shit in my mouth.”
“What would two guys want with Layla?” Julian said.
“She’s single,” Jesse said. “She’s hot.”
Julian stared at him.
“She is,” Jesse defended himself.
“She is,” Claire said. “But so is Radha, which is why this Mark guy wants her.”
“You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”
“Nope,” she told Radha.
“Wait a minute,” Julian interrupted. “Are these guys who go to school with Layla?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Radha shrugged.
“Then they’re high schoolers?”
“So?”
Jesse smirked.
“That makes you a cougar!”
Radha seemed unaffected. She shrugged and said, “Well….” And then made a swipe at her brother with her paw: “Growwwwwwllll!”
“Look at this!” Ross thrust a bag in front of Mark and Aidan and Aidan said, “What the hell is it, man?”
“It’s his graduation gown,” Mark said, unfolding the clear plastic.
“Graduation robe,” Ross corrected. “And, look.”
Mark unfolded it and chuckled as he held it up against Ross.
“This goes to your knees,” Aidan said. “You look like a little baby graduate.”
“Hey, shut up, wait till you guys see yours.”
Mark made a noise and said, “On TV graduation always looks so neat… This is a really cheesy robe.”
“Polyester?” Aidan said.
“Not even.” Ross shook his head. “This is a step above tissue paper.”
A new voice cut in. “Why were you at Loretto yesterday?”
Before Mark and Aidan could turn around, Ross said, “Lay-la.”
“Layla,” Mark said, as slowly as possible.”
“Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?” Layla demanded.
“She…” Mark began. “We… Well, everyone—”
“Now that you’ve left Will, everyone wants a piece of you,” Ross said simply.
Layla looked at him.
He modified: “Or at least a date with you.”
“Radha,” Layla addressed Mark, “the fast Indian girl you talked to—says she likes you, and I think I was supposed to deliver that message. The red headed girl, my friend Claire, says she was sure you were checking Radha out too.”
“A college girl?” Ross said.
Mark looked dumbfounded, but Aidan said in his friend’s defense, “Why not, in a few months we’ll be college men.”
“Well,” said Layla, “I think this is the grown up version of check yes if you like me and no if you don’t. I think I’m supposed to tell Radha.”
“Seriously?” Mark said stupidly, while Ross patted him on the back.
“Yes,” Layla said. “Seriously.”
While Mark prepared for a very long time to open his mouth, Ross clapped him on the back and said, “Mark’s answer is ‘yes.’”
Layla nodded with a little smile and then said, “Great,” and headed back down the hall.
Aidan stood there, stomping his foot and rubbing the fringe of beard around his chin. Ross said, “You’d better do what you have to do.”
And then Aidan went down the hall and called: “Layla!”
She turned around.
“I was wondering…. Would you like to…?”
“Yes. Pick me up at seven-thirty on Friday.”
Aidan looked stupid. He opened his mouth a couple of times, and then said, “Where are we…?” then figuring he’d better not screw up his golden chance, he stood up straighter, grinned and said, “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
IDEAS CONTINUED
“Hey Big Brother, what’s up?” Claire looked up from her lunch.
Paul threw his tray down in front of his sister and said, “I think me and Kirk are going away.”
“What?” It came out of Radha and Julian’s mouths first.
“Well the car business is shutting down, right? And Kirk hates cars anyway. He wants to go to California.”
“Everybody wants to go to California,” Radha dismissed this. “And you’ve already been. Tell him it’s not all that.”
“Well, he wants to move out west.”
“Do you?” Claire and Radha said at the same time, and then looked at each other.
Claire repeated: “Do you?”
“I wanna be wherever Kirk is,” Paul said simply.
“But what about school?” Chad demanded.
“I’m going to finish up this year. Besides, I don’t even know if school is for me. I haven’t been able to get into it like I hoped. Kirk is for me, and wherever he wants to go, I’m going to go.”
“California is pretty far away,” Julian told him.
“What about Chicago?” Jesse suggested.
Paul shrugged.
“It’s up to him. He’s never had a chance to dream. I have.”
“But…” Claire began. “It’s not like you had a great Hollywood life, Pauley.”
“Yeah, Claire, I know that,” Paul said a little aggressively. “But it was a life I chose. I decided to go out there, and I decided to come back. I’ve had a lot of choices. That’s not the way it’s been for Kirk. He never got to have a dream. So…. Now he does.”
“I can’t believe that business is shutting down,” Julian said, partly because it was true, and partly because he wanted to defuse things. “It’s been there my whole life.”
“It’s just up the street from your house, right?” Paul said.
Julian nodded.
“Well,” Claire said, weakly, touching her brother’s hand. “Whatever you choose.”
“I think I meant to say whatever you choose I support,” Claire said.
“He knew you meant that.”
“But I didn’t mean it, Radha,” Claire said, turning around from the mirror and walking to the large bed where she flopped down.
“Chad’s screwing Brian Babcock, my brother’s running off to California with Kirk and…. Noah just fucking disappeared with James. Everyone’s doing all this crazy shit and I wish I could control it. I wish I could say… Stop! Let’s make some goddamn sense, people!”
Radha chuckled.
“You know what the worst thing is?” Claire told her friend.
“Hum?”
“I get the feeling that it’s not the world that’s crazy. It’s me. For trying to control everything.”
With the burning roach in one hand, Radha sat down beside her friend and put the other hand on Claire’s head.
“Well, now, Claire, that’s good news, actually.”
Claire looked up at her, waiting for an answer.
Radha smiled. “Honey, it’s a lot easier to fix one crazy bitch, than to fix the whole world.”
“I found out where she is!” Aiden said, sitting at the table.
Mark sat down, shaking his head and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Layla.”
“Oh... I screwed that whole thing up.”
“Well, unscrew it up,” Aiden said.
“You know what? You’re one crazy Mexican.”
“Puerto Rican. Shall we go?”
Mark shrugged and said, “Hell, we shall go!”
“So this is a campus,” Mark said.
“Dude, I know you’ve seen a college campus before.”
“I’ve never seen this college campus,” Mark told him. “Smart ass.”
“You’re the one trying to make me a Mexican.”
“Hey, nothing wrong with Mexicans.”
“No, not unless you’re Peurto Rican. Hey, park over there.”
“Dena said Layla would be in Camden Hall. Is this Camden Hall?”
“You know what? We could actually walk to Camden Hall.”
“No we couldn’t,” Mark objected. “It’s too cold.”
“Um,” Aiden reflected, “I thought white folks loved the cold.”
“No,” Mark said, levelly. “We just think that if we pretend it’s not real it’ll disappears.”
“Explains that whole wearing sandals in winter.”
“Explains the pneumonia.”
Radha heard Claire calling her name from down the hall.
“Ra-Dha!”
“I really need to shut my door.”
“Look,” Claire said, bursting into the room. “These fine boys here—” she pinched Aiden Michaelson’s cheek, “are looking for our Layla.”
“Well, our Layla isn’t here,” Radha said, winking at the dumbfounded Mark. “But I am.”
“Oh,” Mark grinned at her stupidly. “I’m Mark.”
“Radha Hatangady,” Radha thrust out her hand, jangling with brass bangles. “Whaddo you need our girl Layla for?”
“I… uh…” Mark began. But Aiden stepped in front of her and said, “Nothing at all.”
“Not that the Puerto Rican one wasn’t nice to look at,” Claire began. “Because he was, and if I wasn’t attached to someone, then—”
“If you weren’t attached to someone what?” Julian said coming in.
“If she weren’t attached to you, then she’d wish she were,” Radha finished, coming up and pinching his cheek.
“What I was saying,” Claire began again, “is that the Mark guy, the one with that red hair, was looking at you and liking what he saw, and… I think you liked what you saw too?”
“Really?” Julian said.
“Really what?” Jesse came in.
“Damn, everybody eavesdrops,” Radha said.
“Basically, “Claire told him, “your sister just had a gentleman caller.”
Jesse looked at her, “Radha!”
“I didn’t fuck anybody!”
“Oh,” Claire said, “No. That’s not what I meant. These two guys came looking for your sister,” she said to Julian. “Only one of them, I’m sure, fell for Radha. And I think Radha fell for him.”
“Bitch, I did not,” Radha said. “Quit trying to put shit in my mouth.”
“What would two guys want with Layla?” Julian said.
“She’s single,” Jesse said. “She’s hot.”
Julian stared at him.
“She is,” Jesse defended himself.
“She is,” Claire said. “But so is Radha, which is why this Mark guy wants her.”
“You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”
“Nope,” she told Radha.
“Wait a minute,” Julian interrupted. “Are these guys who go to school with Layla?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Radha shrugged.
“Then they’re high schoolers?”
“So?”
Jesse smirked.
“That makes you a cougar!”
Radha seemed unaffected. She shrugged and said, “Well….” And then made a swipe at her brother with her paw: “Growwwwwwllll!”
“Look at this!” Ross thrust a bag in front of Mark and Aidan and Aidan said, “What the hell is it, man?”
“It’s his graduation gown,” Mark said, unfolding the clear plastic.
“Graduation robe,” Ross corrected. “And, look.”
Mark unfolded it and chuckled as he held it up against Ross.
“This goes to your knees,” Aidan said. “You look like a little baby graduate.”
“Hey, shut up, wait till you guys see yours.”
Mark made a noise and said, “On TV graduation always looks so neat… This is a really cheesy robe.”
“Polyester?” Aidan said.
“Not even.” Ross shook his head. “This is a step above tissue paper.”
A new voice cut in. “Why were you at Loretto yesterday?”
Before Mark and Aidan could turn around, Ross said, “Lay-la.”
“Layla,” Mark said, as slowly as possible.”
“Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?” Layla demanded.
“She…” Mark began. “We… Well, everyone—”
“Now that you’ve left Will, everyone wants a piece of you,” Ross said simply.
Layla looked at him.
He modified: “Or at least a date with you.”
“Radha,” Layla addressed Mark, “the fast Indian girl you talked to—says she likes you, and I think I was supposed to deliver that message. The red headed girl, my friend Claire, says she was sure you were checking Radha out too.”
“A college girl?” Ross said.
Mark looked dumbfounded, but Aidan said in his friend’s defense, “Why not, in a few months we’ll be college men.”
“Well,” said Layla, “I think this is the grown up version of check yes if you like me and no if you don’t. I think I’m supposed to tell Radha.”
“Seriously?” Mark said stupidly, while Ross patted him on the back.
“Yes,” Layla said. “Seriously.”
While Mark prepared for a very long time to open his mouth, Ross clapped him on the back and said, “Mark’s answer is ‘yes.’”
Layla nodded with a little smile and then said, “Great,” and headed back down the hall.
Aidan stood there, stomping his foot and rubbing the fringe of beard around his chin. Ross said, “You’d better do what you have to do.”
And then Aidan went down the hall and called: “Layla!”
She turned around.
“I was wondering…. Would you like to…?”
“Yes. Pick me up at seven-thirty on Friday.”
Aidan looked stupid. He opened his mouth a couple of times, and then said, “Where are we…?” then figuring he’d better not screw up his golden chance, he stood up straighter, grinned and said, “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
Great conclusion to the chapter! I think it's great that Paul is helping Kirk realise his dream of moving out west. Seems like everyone wants a piece of Layla. I wonder if she will end up with Aidan? I guess ill have to wait and see. Sounds like Radha may have found someone too which is good.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
It's a lot going on in Rossford tonight, and we have a while to see how it turns out, but you're right. I think Layla's finding out how hot she really is. The chapter's not over, there's still more tomorrow night. Have a great day, I'm so glad you stopped by.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CONTINUED
“Well, he’s hotter than Will, and that’s a fact,” Dena said.
“Hey,” Brendan said, “Will’s still our friend. At least he’s still mine.”
“I’m just making a point,” Dena said. “And you have to admit, Bren. I mean, you would know, Aidan is hot.”
Brendan looked embarrassed as the two girls looked at him.
“I don’t look at anyone but Kenny.”
“Sounds like a crock of shit to me,” Layla said. Dena said nothing.
Nell came down the stairs and did a twirl.
“How do I look?”
“You look great, Mom. Actually you look more than great.”
“You look fantastic, Mrs. Reardon,” Brendan said.
She came to him and kissed him. “You’re a fantastic boy, Brendan. I like Milo,” she told her daughter, “but I miss the idea of Brendan being my son-in-law.”
“Well, if Brendan forgets he’s gay, then I could marry him, and Milo could still end up being your nephew. Then they’d both be in the family.”
Layla snorted and Nell said, “Bill’s a married man.”
“That’s right, Mom,” Dena said. “And speaking of forgetting, don’t you forget that.”
Nell frowned, but just then the doorbell rang.
She straightened her dress, and headed down the hallway.
“Is that a new handbag?” her daughter shouted down the hall.
She mouthed to her friends: “That’s a new handbag.”
“Yeah, so,” Dena said, as Layla departed down the street, “Layla thinks she might be single for the rest of her life.”
“She’ll find someone,” Brendan said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Is it me, or is it really warm today?”
“No, it’s just you, Bren. Let’s get off the porch.”
Brendan shrugged and followed Dena back into the house, shutting the door behind him.
“She’ll find someone great. She’s Layla.”
“My mom didn’t see a man for fifteen years almost,” Dena said. “And now the guy she likes is married. I don’t know. Maybe we’re not all meant to find someone. Maybe we’re not destined to find the love of our life and all that business.”
Brendan stuck out his lip and frowned as they reentered the kitchen. That was as much as he was willing to say on the subject.
“It’s been a long time since it was just you and me, you know?” Brendan said.
“Yeah. I miss that.”
Brendan smiled. “I miss it too.”
“Me and Milo haven’t had sex,” Dena said suddenly.
“What?”
“I said—”
“I know what you said,” Brendan told her. “But why are you telling me?”
“I don’t know. I just feel… Do you think it’s time? I do love him.”
“Deen, you’re seventeen.”
“You’re the same age as me—”
“Actually, I’m eight—”
“And it’s not like I’m a virgin. I mean, we slept together.”
Brendan looked distinctly uncomfortable at that.
“I remember, Deen.”
“I mean, a lot.”
“It wasn’t a lot.”
“It wasn’t just once, either.”
Brendan nodded, “True.”
“It’s just… You’re my friend, you’re one of my best friends. And you’re my gay ex and it just seems like… well, we were sleeping together, and Milo, who is my boyfriend, who I do love… we aren’t. I’ve been with you—several times, but not with Milo.”
“I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me,” Brendan said.
“What?”
“It’s a… never mind,” Brendan waved it off.
“Okay,” he straddled the chair. “You want to sleep with Milo not because you want to sleep with him, but because—”
“Brendan, you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with, and that’s fucked up.”
“Well, maybe it is,” Brendan said. “But I don’t think that’s a good enough reason for your and Milo to start having sex.”
“Plus, I want sex. I mean, I do,” Dena insisted. “I get that… itch. And, when I think about sex I think about you, and that’s just wrong.”
“Why, Dena? Are you saying you’re still attracted to me?” Brendan teased her.
“Yes,” she said. “Actually that is what I’m saying. I mean, it’s more than that Bren. You are… the only memory I have of sex and that’s screwing me up.”
“I’m sorry,” Brendan said.
Then he said, “I would like to think in the last year I’ve gotten a little older, a little wiser. I mean, I hope I have. And I just think that what you’re saying is you want to sleep with Milo to get me out of your head—”
“That sounds very conceited.”
“I’m just repeating what you told me. And no, I know it’s not cause I was so fantastic in bed. But you’re young and—”
“Oh, please. We’re the same age, and you weren’t that concerned with my waiting to have sex when… I was having sex with you.”
“That’s cause I was more concerned with us staying together and me staying straight. I thought that would do it. I… Look, just cause I was a dummy and an idiot—”
“Doesn’t mean I should be?”
“Doesn’t mean you should hop into bed with Milo—who knows we’ve been together. Everyone knows it.”
Dena suspected Brendan was making sense. He usually did. This did not make her any happier.
“Besides, Deen. We were together for three years. I’ve known you my whole life. We weren’t exactly strangers.”
“You and Kenny were.”
“And?”
“Well, you all have sex.”
“Yes,” Brendan allowed with a long pause. “I also eat peanut butter and pickle relish together. And sometimes I wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row. You really don’t want to make me a role model.
“Look. This time a year ago, I would have said it was all wrong. I was a very different person. We both were. Now… I’ll just tell you, I love sleeping with Kenny. I love him. But I never planned it. I never did it to forget about my ex—”
“Bren—”
“Or anything like that. What I did with you, and it was wrong—was to forget about Kenny—and you know how that turned out. It hurt everyone. Sex is a big deal, Deen. You know that. We both know that now. So, if you and Milo do anything, do it because you just have to be with him, cause you can’t stand not to be as close to him as you can. Don’t do it because you’re upset that the only guy you ever got with is your gay, cheating ex.”
Dena looked at Brendan for a moment, and then she reached out and pinched his cheek.
“What was that for?” he said.
She shrugged.
“You know what? As gay, cheating exes go, you’re pretty good, Bren.”
James heard the car roll over the gravel as Noah returned to the house. A few minutes later, from down the hall, he could hear Noah shouting, “I’m back!”
“I’m in the back of the house,” James said, walking forward. Then he said, “Well, now I’m in the front.”
“I brought back…” Noah opened his bags, “Doritos. Um… pancake mix. Eggs. Milk. Captain Crunch. Brillo pads and a bottle of olive oil.”
“That is… almost random,” James said turning the small bottle of olive oil around.
“It all seemed appropriate. Except for the olive oil,” Noah said, taking the bottle to the cupboard. “I’ve never had olive oil, and I was curious.”
“Whaddo we do now?” James said.
“Hum?”
“I’ve seen my parents. I… could go back to Wisconsin. What would you do? Follow me around?”
“I could?” Noah said.
James said, “But why? We’re not even anything.”
“We could be. I mean, you never said you weren’t into me. Are you into me?”
James shook his head, and Noah thought he was saying no, but what he said was, “I imagine everyone is into you, Noah.”
“That’s not true.”
“I think it is,” James nodded, smiling. “I’m not stupid. I mean, you have that touch.”
“I don’t have that touch here,” Noah said, a little resentfully. “I have to drive into the next town to get groceries because this town scares me so much. I get… I tremble walking out the door. Literally. When I was in Rummelsville, and I am in Rummelsville, no one thought I was much at all. But I’m here, James. Because you’re here.”
James pushed his glasses up his nose.
“This is not false humility,” he began. “But I just think… I am attractive enough, but…”
“James?”
“Yes?”
“Did you… You didn’t see any of those movies did you? I mean, you didn’t get curious and see any of them?”
“I did,” James said, honestly. “I can’t compete with that. I can’t. I don’t even like taking my shirt off when I’m alone, and I can’t… You could get something much more along what you’re used to somewhere else.”
“But I’m here,” Noah said, a little irritated. “I am here, right here, with you. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something. If you’re… upset because I did what I did, if you look at me like I’m… whatever—”
“No, I don’t. I don’t,” James said. “I wasn’t there. I don’t get it, but I don’t have to. You’re the only Noah I know, the one right here in front of me. Not the one in the movies—”
“That’s right. So what’s the problem? Unless…. you don’t want something with me. Unless you don’t want me.”
James didn’t say anything, primarily because he didn’t know what to say. They’d ended up here, in Naomi’s dirty, grey, abandoned place, playing some kind of house.
“James, I have never… gone to anyone. You’ve seen Guy’s site? You’ve seen the interviews. Half of us are, or were, so fucking shy. The only time we weren’t shy was when we were making those movies. That was like… the time when I wasn’t afraid. And that was what we got paid for. I didn’t—” Noah shook his head. “I never had to approach a guy and ask him for anything… especially not a date. It was arranged for us. And… outside of that there were hookups and stuff. At clubs. Sometimes. Not a lot. But I was drunk, or really high, and I knew the guy wouldn’t say no. I’ve never, never put myself on the line. And now I am. Right here. And you’re not saying anything.”
“I just never let myself think about it,” James told him. “How could I? It seemed pretty fucking unlikely.”
“I’m the dream,” Noah said quietly. “The pornstar boyfriend.”
“I, honestly, never dreamed of a pornstar boyfriend. Or even much of a boyfriend at all.”
“That must be why I’m in love with you.”
“Why don’t we restrict that to in like?”
“Because it’s love,” Noah said.
“I love you too.”
“What’s that?” Noah put a hand to his ear.
“I love…” James said, “you too.”
Noah came up to him, but he did not kiss him; he hugged him.
“I just wonder,” James said, “how long the novelty of my potbelly and myopia will keep you away from all those muscle bound creatures in the videos.”
“Well, he’s hotter than Will, and that’s a fact,” Dena said.
“Hey,” Brendan said, “Will’s still our friend. At least he’s still mine.”
“I’m just making a point,” Dena said. “And you have to admit, Bren. I mean, you would know, Aidan is hot.”
Brendan looked embarrassed as the two girls looked at him.
“I don’t look at anyone but Kenny.”
“Sounds like a crock of shit to me,” Layla said. Dena said nothing.
Nell came down the stairs and did a twirl.
“How do I look?”
“You look great, Mom. Actually you look more than great.”
“You look fantastic, Mrs. Reardon,” Brendan said.
She came to him and kissed him. “You’re a fantastic boy, Brendan. I like Milo,” she told her daughter, “but I miss the idea of Brendan being my son-in-law.”
“Well, if Brendan forgets he’s gay, then I could marry him, and Milo could still end up being your nephew. Then they’d both be in the family.”
Layla snorted and Nell said, “Bill’s a married man.”
“That’s right, Mom,” Dena said. “And speaking of forgetting, don’t you forget that.”
Nell frowned, but just then the doorbell rang.
She straightened her dress, and headed down the hallway.
“Is that a new handbag?” her daughter shouted down the hall.
She mouthed to her friends: “That’s a new handbag.”
“Yeah, so,” Dena said, as Layla departed down the street, “Layla thinks she might be single for the rest of her life.”
“She’ll find someone,” Brendan said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Is it me, or is it really warm today?”
“No, it’s just you, Bren. Let’s get off the porch.”
Brendan shrugged and followed Dena back into the house, shutting the door behind him.
“She’ll find someone great. She’s Layla.”
“My mom didn’t see a man for fifteen years almost,” Dena said. “And now the guy she likes is married. I don’t know. Maybe we’re not all meant to find someone. Maybe we’re not destined to find the love of our life and all that business.”
Brendan stuck out his lip and frowned as they reentered the kitchen. That was as much as he was willing to say on the subject.
“It’s been a long time since it was just you and me, you know?” Brendan said.
“Yeah. I miss that.”
Brendan smiled. “I miss it too.”
“Me and Milo haven’t had sex,” Dena said suddenly.
“What?”
“I said—”
“I know what you said,” Brendan told her. “But why are you telling me?”
“I don’t know. I just feel… Do you think it’s time? I do love him.”
“Deen, you’re seventeen.”
“You’re the same age as me—”
“Actually, I’m eight—”
“And it’s not like I’m a virgin. I mean, we slept together.”
Brendan looked distinctly uncomfortable at that.
“I remember, Deen.”
“I mean, a lot.”
“It wasn’t a lot.”
“It wasn’t just once, either.”
Brendan nodded, “True.”
“It’s just… You’re my friend, you’re one of my best friends. And you’re my gay ex and it just seems like… well, we were sleeping together, and Milo, who is my boyfriend, who I do love… we aren’t. I’ve been with you—several times, but not with Milo.”
“I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me,” Brendan said.
“What?”
“It’s a… never mind,” Brendan waved it off.
“Okay,” he straddled the chair. “You want to sleep with Milo not because you want to sleep with him, but because—”
“Brendan, you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with, and that’s fucked up.”
“Well, maybe it is,” Brendan said. “But I don’t think that’s a good enough reason for your and Milo to start having sex.”
“Plus, I want sex. I mean, I do,” Dena insisted. “I get that… itch. And, when I think about sex I think about you, and that’s just wrong.”
“Why, Dena? Are you saying you’re still attracted to me?” Brendan teased her.
“Yes,” she said. “Actually that is what I’m saying. I mean, it’s more than that Bren. You are… the only memory I have of sex and that’s screwing me up.”
“I’m sorry,” Brendan said.
Then he said, “I would like to think in the last year I’ve gotten a little older, a little wiser. I mean, I hope I have. And I just think that what you’re saying is you want to sleep with Milo to get me out of your head—”
“That sounds very conceited.”
“I’m just repeating what you told me. And no, I know it’s not cause I was so fantastic in bed. But you’re young and—”
“Oh, please. We’re the same age, and you weren’t that concerned with my waiting to have sex when… I was having sex with you.”
“That’s cause I was more concerned with us staying together and me staying straight. I thought that would do it. I… Look, just cause I was a dummy and an idiot—”
“Doesn’t mean I should be?”
“Doesn’t mean you should hop into bed with Milo—who knows we’ve been together. Everyone knows it.”
Dena suspected Brendan was making sense. He usually did. This did not make her any happier.
“Besides, Deen. We were together for three years. I’ve known you my whole life. We weren’t exactly strangers.”
“You and Kenny were.”
“And?”
“Well, you all have sex.”
“Yes,” Brendan allowed with a long pause. “I also eat peanut butter and pickle relish together. And sometimes I wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row. You really don’t want to make me a role model.
“Look. This time a year ago, I would have said it was all wrong. I was a very different person. We both were. Now… I’ll just tell you, I love sleeping with Kenny. I love him. But I never planned it. I never did it to forget about my ex—”
“Bren—”
“Or anything like that. What I did with you, and it was wrong—was to forget about Kenny—and you know how that turned out. It hurt everyone. Sex is a big deal, Deen. You know that. We both know that now. So, if you and Milo do anything, do it because you just have to be with him, cause you can’t stand not to be as close to him as you can. Don’t do it because you’re upset that the only guy you ever got with is your gay, cheating ex.”
Dena looked at Brendan for a moment, and then she reached out and pinched his cheek.
“What was that for?” he said.
She shrugged.
“You know what? As gay, cheating exes go, you’re pretty good, Bren.”
James heard the car roll over the gravel as Noah returned to the house. A few minutes later, from down the hall, he could hear Noah shouting, “I’m back!”
“I’m in the back of the house,” James said, walking forward. Then he said, “Well, now I’m in the front.”
“I brought back…” Noah opened his bags, “Doritos. Um… pancake mix. Eggs. Milk. Captain Crunch. Brillo pads and a bottle of olive oil.”
“That is… almost random,” James said turning the small bottle of olive oil around.
“It all seemed appropriate. Except for the olive oil,” Noah said, taking the bottle to the cupboard. “I’ve never had olive oil, and I was curious.”
“Whaddo we do now?” James said.
“Hum?”
“I’ve seen my parents. I… could go back to Wisconsin. What would you do? Follow me around?”
“I could?” Noah said.
James said, “But why? We’re not even anything.”
“We could be. I mean, you never said you weren’t into me. Are you into me?”
James shook his head, and Noah thought he was saying no, but what he said was, “I imagine everyone is into you, Noah.”
“That’s not true.”
“I think it is,” James nodded, smiling. “I’m not stupid. I mean, you have that touch.”
“I don’t have that touch here,” Noah said, a little resentfully. “I have to drive into the next town to get groceries because this town scares me so much. I get… I tremble walking out the door. Literally. When I was in Rummelsville, and I am in Rummelsville, no one thought I was much at all. But I’m here, James. Because you’re here.”
James pushed his glasses up his nose.
“This is not false humility,” he began. “But I just think… I am attractive enough, but…”
“James?”
“Yes?”
“Did you… You didn’t see any of those movies did you? I mean, you didn’t get curious and see any of them?”
“I did,” James said, honestly. “I can’t compete with that. I can’t. I don’t even like taking my shirt off when I’m alone, and I can’t… You could get something much more along what you’re used to somewhere else.”
“But I’m here,” Noah said, a little irritated. “I am here, right here, with you. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something. If you’re… upset because I did what I did, if you look at me like I’m… whatever—”
“No, I don’t. I don’t,” James said. “I wasn’t there. I don’t get it, but I don’t have to. You’re the only Noah I know, the one right here in front of me. Not the one in the movies—”
“That’s right. So what’s the problem? Unless…. you don’t want something with me. Unless you don’t want me.”
James didn’t say anything, primarily because he didn’t know what to say. They’d ended up here, in Naomi’s dirty, grey, abandoned place, playing some kind of house.
“James, I have never… gone to anyone. You’ve seen Guy’s site? You’ve seen the interviews. Half of us are, or were, so fucking shy. The only time we weren’t shy was when we were making those movies. That was like… the time when I wasn’t afraid. And that was what we got paid for. I didn’t—” Noah shook his head. “I never had to approach a guy and ask him for anything… especially not a date. It was arranged for us. And… outside of that there were hookups and stuff. At clubs. Sometimes. Not a lot. But I was drunk, or really high, and I knew the guy wouldn’t say no. I’ve never, never put myself on the line. And now I am. Right here. And you’re not saying anything.”
“I just never let myself think about it,” James told him. “How could I? It seemed pretty fucking unlikely.”
“I’m the dream,” Noah said quietly. “The pornstar boyfriend.”
“I, honestly, never dreamed of a pornstar boyfriend. Or even much of a boyfriend at all.”
“That must be why I’m in love with you.”
“Why don’t we restrict that to in like?”
“Because it’s love,” Noah said.
“I love you too.”
“What’s that?” Noah put a hand to his ear.
“I love…” James said, “you too.”
Noah came up to him, but he did not kiss him; he hugged him.
“I just wonder,” James said, “how long the novelty of my potbelly and myopia will keep you away from all those muscle bound creatures in the videos.”
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
It was nice to see Dena and Brendan have a mature conversation. I am glad they are friends now after their past. I also liked to see what Noah and James were up to. Great writing and I look forward to more! 
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
You know, I went back and reread it, and I really do love Dena and Brendan in this chapter too. They've grown a lot, and now it looks like its time for James and Noah to grow as well.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CONTINUED
“This is a problem,” Dan said, flatly, folding his hands together as, behind him, the coffee pot began to hiss.
“I know,” Keith McDonald said. Dan saw that his long hands were dry, and his hair was disheveled. He shook his head: “Maybe I should talk to Dena.”
“I had no idea that it was Dena’s father.”
“Keith,” Dan said. “It shouldn’t have been anyone at all!”
“I know.”
“None of us is guiltless,” Dan said. “I mean, I know what it’s like. I told you… And told no one else, I broke my vows too. Once.”
“But it wasn’t with a man you met off the Internet, who is the father of a student at Saint Barbara’s and one of our parishioners.”
“No,” Dan said. “No it wasn’t. I… Look, I need to know everything, Keith. You need to tell me everything.” Dan got up and went to the counter. “I’m supposed to be your friend.”
“You’re my only friend.”
“I don’t believe that,” Dan said.
“You’re the only one I can tell everything too,” Keith said.
“Then you have to tell me. If you’re a priest, and there is more to tell, then more is going to come out. Eventually.”
Dan poured the first cup of coffee and grimaced saying, “You may have to add more than the normal amount of cream and sugar to that. I got a little overzealous on the Folgers.”
“You think there’s more?” Keith said.
“I’ve seen Noah Riley’s face when he sees you. And he was here on Christmas. And… I know Paul Anderson knows you as well. If you all are old friends, then there has to be more. No one knows those boys and there isn’t more.”
“I used to do what they used to do.”
For once Dan looked truly shocked. He crossed himself.
“Why look like that?” Keith said, suddenly. “You see Paul and you would never think he’d have that in his past. Most guys who do it, who do that, they’re not… nasty or evil, or…”
“You’re a priest,” Dan said. “For Christ’s sake, a priest. Every Sunday—no, all the time, people look to you, to us, for guidance. For… light. The ones who still believe, that is. The other ones are already convinced we’re molesting little boys and up to… God knows what. Because half of us probably are up to God knows what.”
“Dan! Don’t say that.”
“Says the pornstar! Was this before seminary? Please say yes.”
Keith shook his head.
“During. That’s when I met them. Paul, but we didn’t call him Paul—”
“Johnny Mellow,” Dan nodded, waving it off with his hand.
“And I wasn’t Keith either. Half of us had this life we were trying to break away from, or that was too small, and this was a way out of it. I know that doesn’t sound like an excuse. It’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation. These fellows were like me. Married men, engaged guys. Some folks with good jobs. Boys who were very attractive, but couldn’t get through school, couldn’t keep real jobs. Failed models, rising star models. We all…. recognized something in each other. I’m not telling you to go to the website and watch it, but whatever you can say, Guy was different from the others. You felt safe there.”
Dan was just sitting at the table listening, nodding, intently.
“I like the way you listen,” Keith said. “You don’t judge. You just listen.”
“Yes,” Dan said. “Well, you listen to all of these people, all of our congregation. And you need someone to listen to you right now, the same way.
“But now I think it’s time for me to talk.”
“All right,” Keith said.
“You have a problem,” Dan said flatly. “And I’m not deluded enough to tell you what it is. I’m not calling you sick when I say it, but I’m saying that a Catholic priest who sneaks away to make porn movies and comes to discreet hotel rooms for sex has a problem.”
Keith opened his mouth, but Dan held up his hand.
“Now, maybe the problem is sex. That’s what I’m supposed to say it is. But maybe it’s the Church. Maybe celibacy is something you shouldn’t do. Or maybe it’s your inability to meet a lover.”
Keith said nothing this time.
“You probably know that Fenn Houghton and I used to…”
“Yes. I mean, I think you sort of told me.”
Dan smiled as he related it.
“We were Freshmen. I went to the school across the street. Our first Christmas I went back home with him, back here for the first time, and that’s when we realized we were in love. And we were together. But I really wanted to be a priest. So eventually I went to seminary, because Fenn told me to and, I didn’t do what you did because I had already had what you did not. A long time later, for a brief time, Fenn and I came back together, and then, again, when he saw the pull of the priesthood was so strong, and I couldn’t be Father Malloy and his boyfriend, he sent me back. And… I don’t feel the need to… meet men, or anyone else. I’m happy.
“But my point is I’m free to be celibate because I was free not to be. You never had freedom, Keith. I think that’s your problem. You’ve got to get a way to get some sort of… freedom, so you don’t have to do things that make you feel…”
“Like shit.”
“That endanger you,” Dan said. “And our parishioners. And,” Dan said, touching the other priest’s hand, “You’ve got to trust me to help you find a way to do that.”
When Dena came into the Affren house, Keith McDonald was talking with Barb and they both looked up at her with two very different expressions.
“If,” Barb said, “you are looking for Milo, he is upstairs. If you are looking for your mother, she’s with Bill. I don’t know why they didn’t pay any attention to each other back in school. They get on well enough and I like her a lot better than that Elizabeth he married.”
Dena didn’t know what to say, so she only nodded. Barb was a woman she could usually tell anything, but today, the presence of Father Keith held her tongue.
“I’m going to get Milo,” Dena said.
“Say hello to Father,” Barbara told her.
Dena choked and Keith said, “Dena, could I speak to you a moment?”
Because of Barbara, she couldn’t say no. She had to nod her head.
Keith said, “We’ll be right back. Barb. I… I’m afraid I’ve wronged Dena, and I need to make it right.”
Dena was used to being lied to. She was not used to grown ups trying to make anything right, or confessing, publicly, that they’d screwed up. So she allowed him to take her into the parlor and shut the door.
He didn’t speak right away. He seemed to be gathering strength.
“That day I was just surprised that anyone came in,” Keith said, at last.
“And I was ashamed that it was a parishioner and a student. It was only a little bit later that I realized that the man was your father.”
“Are you having an affair with my father?”
“No.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“No, Dena. Dena, listen. I don’t…. You are much too young for this,” Keith lamented. “And I am your priest. I shouldn’t take you through this.”
“I’m not too young to realize that you probably met each other and decided to have anonymous sex in his hotel room,” Dena said flatly.
“That is what happened, right?”
“Yes.”
“See,” said Dena. “I’m not innocent.”
“That’s worse,” Keith said. “I just confirmed all your worst suspicions about… everything probably. And I became a priest for the opposite reason.”
“I haven’t told anyone,” Dena said. “And I’m not planning to. I don’t have an axe to grind. My father’s done other things. He’s hurt a lot of people already.”
“Well, I have too,” Keith said in a low voice. “I came here to be a man of God, and I’m… I’m ashamed is what I am.”
“I wish I could help you,” Dena found herself saying.
He looked at her.
“I know that the end of innocence is supposed to be a bad thing, but… you can’t be innocent and shocked forever, can you? I wanted to find something bad that day when I came to find my dad. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I was angry and I was bitter. But today, when you got up and came to me, that did shock me. Sex doesn’t shock me. Fathers and priests… and ex boyfriends who turn out gay don’t shock me. Not anymore. Drugs don’t shock me. But… I think sincerity does.”
“I’m not sincere. You saw what I am. I’m a hypo—”
“You’re a man,” Dena said, shaking her head. “And you’ve got to live with whoever that man is, Father.”
Dena moved to the door and opened it.
“Now I’m going to see my boyfriend. You and I have got no quarrel.”
Then Dena was gone.
It was unbelievably cold that morning, and Keith McDonald was thinking of how once his father had told him—this was years back, when he was visiting his parents in Bedford—that there was only so much snow that could fall in a winter, and that a heavy early winter meant a mild latter one. Well, this winter had been heavy all the way through. There was no sign of it becoming any milder or any warmer. It was well into February, approaching Ash Wednesday, and icy cold as he trudged from the church back to the rectory. Barb Affren said that midday Mass revived her. It didn’t revive Keith at all today. Right now he was weighted down with the greyness of the sky, the unforgiving hardness of old snow, and the constant chill of the air. And he was strangely afraid, though of what he could not say.
He stamped up the steps into the large brick porch and then opened the rectory door, and was surprised by the man in the chair across from Dan Malloy.
“Keith,” Dan rose, “You have a visitor.”
The old priest smiled. His face was a mass of wrinkles in a time browned face and his eyes twinkled as he crossed the room to take Keith’s hand.
“You may not remember me, but I remember you,” he said. “Such a handsome young man.”
Anxiety hit Keith like a bolt.
Keith shook his head, coming back to himself and remembering: “Bishop Lord.”
This could only get worse.
“Yes, Keith. I came to see you, really.”
It had gotten worse. The fear broke like a fever, and relieved, Keith McDonald sat in the chair, only a little curious to find out why the bishop was smiling mildly while he began to talk.
“Now, Keith,” he said, “There are some things that have come to my attention about you, and I think we need to talk.”
“I honestly thought that I was done with girls,” Melanie said while Ray Charles played in the background.
“Well, I sort of ceased to be a girl a long time ago,” Tara noted.
Melanie stopped drinking while Ray Charles’s backup singers declared:
I can’t stop loving you!
I’ve made up my mind.
“When you say you thought you were through,” Tara said. “Does that mean…”
“It means if you wanted me to be un-through,” Melanie chuckled. “I could give it a go.”
Naked, Melanie came out of the bed and sat at the head of it, her legs drawn to her chest, her breasts, now middle aged and unconcerned with standing at attention for anyone, rested on her knees.
“I’m not the kind of bitch that moves in with folks, at least not right away,” she said.
On her side, Tara reclined and nodded, touching Melanie’s hip.
“I’m only telling you this because I don’t want you to think I’m one of those clingy folks who says, ‘now you’ve been in my bed you have to be surgically attached to me.’”
Tara rose up. Some of her thick hair was in her face, so she pushed it back.
“You might not be that kind of bitch, but I would let you be that kind of bitch with me.”
“You’re too kind.”
“I don’t know too many people I want to spend that much time with. Especially lesbians.”
“I thought it would be just like Sappho. Or a women’s studies meeting from back in college,” Melanie reflected. “Didn’t exactly turn out that way.”
She lay down and pressed herself against Tara.
“This is what I could get used to. It’s been so long, Tara, since I’ve met a woman I could actually stand that I was starting to think I might be straight.”
“Well, I hope I cleared that shit up for you tonight.”
Melanie laughed deep in her chest and lay on her back beside Tara.
"Oh, yes. You damn sure did!"
“This is a problem,” Dan said, flatly, folding his hands together as, behind him, the coffee pot began to hiss.
“I know,” Keith McDonald said. Dan saw that his long hands were dry, and his hair was disheveled. He shook his head: “Maybe I should talk to Dena.”
“I had no idea that it was Dena’s father.”
“Keith,” Dan said. “It shouldn’t have been anyone at all!”
“I know.”
“None of us is guiltless,” Dan said. “I mean, I know what it’s like. I told you… And told no one else, I broke my vows too. Once.”
“But it wasn’t with a man you met off the Internet, who is the father of a student at Saint Barbara’s and one of our parishioners.”
“No,” Dan said. “No it wasn’t. I… Look, I need to know everything, Keith. You need to tell me everything.” Dan got up and went to the counter. “I’m supposed to be your friend.”
“You’re my only friend.”
“I don’t believe that,” Dan said.
“You’re the only one I can tell everything too,” Keith said.
“Then you have to tell me. If you’re a priest, and there is more to tell, then more is going to come out. Eventually.”
Dan poured the first cup of coffee and grimaced saying, “You may have to add more than the normal amount of cream and sugar to that. I got a little overzealous on the Folgers.”
“You think there’s more?” Keith said.
“I’ve seen Noah Riley’s face when he sees you. And he was here on Christmas. And… I know Paul Anderson knows you as well. If you all are old friends, then there has to be more. No one knows those boys and there isn’t more.”
“I used to do what they used to do.”
For once Dan looked truly shocked. He crossed himself.
“Why look like that?” Keith said, suddenly. “You see Paul and you would never think he’d have that in his past. Most guys who do it, who do that, they’re not… nasty or evil, or…”
“You’re a priest,” Dan said. “For Christ’s sake, a priest. Every Sunday—no, all the time, people look to you, to us, for guidance. For… light. The ones who still believe, that is. The other ones are already convinced we’re molesting little boys and up to… God knows what. Because half of us probably are up to God knows what.”
“Dan! Don’t say that.”
“Says the pornstar! Was this before seminary? Please say yes.”
Keith shook his head.
“During. That’s when I met them. Paul, but we didn’t call him Paul—”
“Johnny Mellow,” Dan nodded, waving it off with his hand.
“And I wasn’t Keith either. Half of us had this life we were trying to break away from, or that was too small, and this was a way out of it. I know that doesn’t sound like an excuse. It’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation. These fellows were like me. Married men, engaged guys. Some folks with good jobs. Boys who were very attractive, but couldn’t get through school, couldn’t keep real jobs. Failed models, rising star models. We all…. recognized something in each other. I’m not telling you to go to the website and watch it, but whatever you can say, Guy was different from the others. You felt safe there.”
Dan was just sitting at the table listening, nodding, intently.
“I like the way you listen,” Keith said. “You don’t judge. You just listen.”
“Yes,” Dan said. “Well, you listen to all of these people, all of our congregation. And you need someone to listen to you right now, the same way.
“But now I think it’s time for me to talk.”
“All right,” Keith said.
“You have a problem,” Dan said flatly. “And I’m not deluded enough to tell you what it is. I’m not calling you sick when I say it, but I’m saying that a Catholic priest who sneaks away to make porn movies and comes to discreet hotel rooms for sex has a problem.”
Keith opened his mouth, but Dan held up his hand.
“Now, maybe the problem is sex. That’s what I’m supposed to say it is. But maybe it’s the Church. Maybe celibacy is something you shouldn’t do. Or maybe it’s your inability to meet a lover.”
Keith said nothing this time.
“You probably know that Fenn Houghton and I used to…”
“Yes. I mean, I think you sort of told me.”
Dan smiled as he related it.
“We were Freshmen. I went to the school across the street. Our first Christmas I went back home with him, back here for the first time, and that’s when we realized we were in love. And we were together. But I really wanted to be a priest. So eventually I went to seminary, because Fenn told me to and, I didn’t do what you did because I had already had what you did not. A long time later, for a brief time, Fenn and I came back together, and then, again, when he saw the pull of the priesthood was so strong, and I couldn’t be Father Malloy and his boyfriend, he sent me back. And… I don’t feel the need to… meet men, or anyone else. I’m happy.
“But my point is I’m free to be celibate because I was free not to be. You never had freedom, Keith. I think that’s your problem. You’ve got to get a way to get some sort of… freedom, so you don’t have to do things that make you feel…”
“Like shit.”
“That endanger you,” Dan said. “And our parishioners. And,” Dan said, touching the other priest’s hand, “You’ve got to trust me to help you find a way to do that.”
When Dena came into the Affren house, Keith McDonald was talking with Barb and they both looked up at her with two very different expressions.
“If,” Barb said, “you are looking for Milo, he is upstairs. If you are looking for your mother, she’s with Bill. I don’t know why they didn’t pay any attention to each other back in school. They get on well enough and I like her a lot better than that Elizabeth he married.”
Dena didn’t know what to say, so she only nodded. Barb was a woman she could usually tell anything, but today, the presence of Father Keith held her tongue.
“I’m going to get Milo,” Dena said.
“Say hello to Father,” Barbara told her.
Dena choked and Keith said, “Dena, could I speak to you a moment?”
Because of Barbara, she couldn’t say no. She had to nod her head.
Keith said, “We’ll be right back. Barb. I… I’m afraid I’ve wronged Dena, and I need to make it right.”
Dena was used to being lied to. She was not used to grown ups trying to make anything right, or confessing, publicly, that they’d screwed up. So she allowed him to take her into the parlor and shut the door.
He didn’t speak right away. He seemed to be gathering strength.
“That day I was just surprised that anyone came in,” Keith said, at last.
“And I was ashamed that it was a parishioner and a student. It was only a little bit later that I realized that the man was your father.”
“Are you having an affair with my father?”
“No.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“No, Dena. Dena, listen. I don’t…. You are much too young for this,” Keith lamented. “And I am your priest. I shouldn’t take you through this.”
“I’m not too young to realize that you probably met each other and decided to have anonymous sex in his hotel room,” Dena said flatly.
“That is what happened, right?”
“Yes.”
“See,” said Dena. “I’m not innocent.”
“That’s worse,” Keith said. “I just confirmed all your worst suspicions about… everything probably. And I became a priest for the opposite reason.”
“I haven’t told anyone,” Dena said. “And I’m not planning to. I don’t have an axe to grind. My father’s done other things. He’s hurt a lot of people already.”
“Well, I have too,” Keith said in a low voice. “I came here to be a man of God, and I’m… I’m ashamed is what I am.”
“I wish I could help you,” Dena found herself saying.
He looked at her.
“I know that the end of innocence is supposed to be a bad thing, but… you can’t be innocent and shocked forever, can you? I wanted to find something bad that day when I came to find my dad. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I was angry and I was bitter. But today, when you got up and came to me, that did shock me. Sex doesn’t shock me. Fathers and priests… and ex boyfriends who turn out gay don’t shock me. Not anymore. Drugs don’t shock me. But… I think sincerity does.”
“I’m not sincere. You saw what I am. I’m a hypo—”
“You’re a man,” Dena said, shaking her head. “And you’ve got to live with whoever that man is, Father.”
Dena moved to the door and opened it.
“Now I’m going to see my boyfriend. You and I have got no quarrel.”
Then Dena was gone.
It was unbelievably cold that morning, and Keith McDonald was thinking of how once his father had told him—this was years back, when he was visiting his parents in Bedford—that there was only so much snow that could fall in a winter, and that a heavy early winter meant a mild latter one. Well, this winter had been heavy all the way through. There was no sign of it becoming any milder or any warmer. It was well into February, approaching Ash Wednesday, and icy cold as he trudged from the church back to the rectory. Barb Affren said that midday Mass revived her. It didn’t revive Keith at all today. Right now he was weighted down with the greyness of the sky, the unforgiving hardness of old snow, and the constant chill of the air. And he was strangely afraid, though of what he could not say.
He stamped up the steps into the large brick porch and then opened the rectory door, and was surprised by the man in the chair across from Dan Malloy.
“Keith,” Dan rose, “You have a visitor.”
The old priest smiled. His face was a mass of wrinkles in a time browned face and his eyes twinkled as he crossed the room to take Keith’s hand.
“You may not remember me, but I remember you,” he said. “Such a handsome young man.”
Anxiety hit Keith like a bolt.
Keith shook his head, coming back to himself and remembering: “Bishop Lord.”
This could only get worse.
“Yes, Keith. I came to see you, really.”
It had gotten worse. The fear broke like a fever, and relieved, Keith McDonald sat in the chair, only a little curious to find out why the bishop was smiling mildly while he began to talk.
“Now, Keith,” he said, “There are some things that have come to my attention about you, and I think we need to talk.”
“I honestly thought that I was done with girls,” Melanie said while Ray Charles played in the background.
“Well, I sort of ceased to be a girl a long time ago,” Tara noted.
Melanie stopped drinking while Ray Charles’s backup singers declared:
I can’t stop loving you!
I’ve made up my mind.
“When you say you thought you were through,” Tara said. “Does that mean…”
“It means if you wanted me to be un-through,” Melanie chuckled. “I could give it a go.”
Naked, Melanie came out of the bed and sat at the head of it, her legs drawn to her chest, her breasts, now middle aged and unconcerned with standing at attention for anyone, rested on her knees.
“I’m not the kind of bitch that moves in with folks, at least not right away,” she said.
On her side, Tara reclined and nodded, touching Melanie’s hip.
“I’m only telling you this because I don’t want you to think I’m one of those clingy folks who says, ‘now you’ve been in my bed you have to be surgically attached to me.’”
Tara rose up. Some of her thick hair was in her face, so she pushed it back.
“You might not be that kind of bitch, but I would let you be that kind of bitch with me.”
“You’re too kind.”
“I don’t know too many people I want to spend that much time with. Especially lesbians.”
“I thought it would be just like Sappho. Or a women’s studies meeting from back in college,” Melanie reflected. “Didn’t exactly turn out that way.”
She lay down and pressed herself against Tara.
“This is what I could get used to. It’s been so long, Tara, since I’ve met a woman I could actually stand that I was starting to think I might be straight.”
“Well, I hope I cleared that shit up for you tonight.”
Melanie laughed deep in her chest and lay on her back beside Tara.
"Oh, yes. You damn sure did!"
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
I am glad Dena handled Keith so maturely! Sounds like he is in trouble with the bishop. I hope its not too bad whatever the bishop has found out. Melanie and Tara are cute. Great writing and I look forward to reading whatever comes next!
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
I was glad Tara and Melanie could finally have their moment. Dena has always been kind of amazing, but now she's really growing up. In a way she's been through too much to do anything else.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CHAPTER FOUR CONCLUSION
“Daniel contacted me,” Bishop Lord said. “He told me how you were having troubles.”
At the look on Keith’s face, the old bishop said, “Now don’t be angry, Keith. Most priests are perfectly content to stay out of their brother priests’ business. That’s the whole problem. We are supposed to be a family, but it’s the loneliness, the feeling that you are all on your own that causes so many of us to break down.” The bishop’s eyes had a far off look.
“I belong to a congregation you know? And even there, very often a brother is left to drift alone. You don’t know how blest you are that Daniel is a nosey young man.”
Dan was closer to forty than thirty, and though Keith could objectively tell that he was attractive and had been…. cute, for lack of a better word, he chuckled to think of Dan Malloy described as a young man.
“Now, I’m doing all the talking,” the bishop said. “And that’s all right. Because you might not want to elaborate on what’s going on.”
“Father,” Keith said, immediately, “I’ve been engaged in sinful activity.”
The bishop looked at him.
“Not… abuse, not anything like that,” Keith said, “So don’t even worry about that.”
Keith could not tell if the bishop was relieved or not. The old man had a beautiful poker face.
The bishop was silent and tired looking for a moment. Finally he said, “Daniel, is this where I am supposed to clear my throat and say—” the old man made an imitation of an old man, wheedling: “‘Is this sin of a sexual nature, my son?’”
Keith opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, the priest said, “I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me, Keith. As long as you have a friend, as long as you’ve told someone, I don’t need your dirty laundry.”
“Thank you, Father.”
When he said this, he meant it. For some reason he felt emotion welling up inside of him at this old man’s kindness. This was the Church he loved, this was the priest he wanted to be. This love, and this compassion right made all the pitiful things he’d sneaked off to do, all the strong impulses, seem so stupid, and so small.
Dan absented himself, heading to the kitchen.
“I do have friends I’ve talked to,” Keith said, feeling more emotional, more ready to cry the more he talked. “Dan, and… others. They know me. But I don’t want to hurt them, and that’s why I am so… miserable right now.”
Bishop Ford nodded and nodded.
“In my community,” he said, at last, “before final vows are taken a man can leave. He can break away from the community and think about what he’s doing. He can take a long time waiting to make those vows.”
“I… I’m a priest, Father. Your Excellency… I… I’m ordained. Two years now. I…”
“What if I release you from those vows for a time?”
Keith straightened in his seat and said, “Can you… Can you do that, Father?”
“Yes. Release you from your vows for a time so that you can… be free to find out what’s going on inside of you. All right?”
Keith sat rigid before Bishop Ford a while. And then his shoulders sagged, and suddenly he began to cry.
The old man rose up, and circling the table, came to sit down beside Keith McDonald, placing an arm over his shoulders while the young priest sobbed and sobbed.
His crying was so loud that the door opened and Dan came in, looking at them for a moment before just coming over and sitting on the other side of Keith, rocking him by the shoulder.
“Keith,” Dan said tenderly, “Keith…. What’s wrong?”
Lifting his wet, red face from his hands, Keith said, through his weeping:
“I feel more free at this moment than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. And it’s the moment when my bishop tells me that the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be in my whole life, I am free from….
“What’s wrong with me?”
CharmedFan28
JUB Addict
Great conclusion to the chapter! I hope Keith can find himself and what he really wants to do with his life.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
I hope he can learn to enjoy himself and not be a prisoner of his own body too.
ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
CHAPTER
FIVE
RULES OF LOVE
They had driven up from Rummelsville to Madison. The trip took two days and in the passenger’s seat Noah said, “It looked so much smaller on the map. Who knew it would take this long?”
James had surprised Noah by packing up everything in his apartment.
“We’re going back to Rossford,” he told him.
“Really?”
“You’ve followed me, and now I’m following you.”
“I don’t understand,” Noah stood in James’ living room with a box in his hands. “What are we up to? You and me?”
“I asked you that same question, Noah. And you said you didn’t know, and I don’t know either. So we’ll both just have to be okay with that.”
And then Noah smiled and realized he was.
“You know what?” he said that afternoon when they were on their way south.
Because James said nothing, Noah continued, “I want to be in Rossford for Ash Wednesday. I want to go to church on Ash Wednesday.”
“Do you know when it is?”
Noah confessed that he did not.
“Before we get to Rossford, I want to stop and see my brother,” James told Noah.
And so that was where they were, right now, where James was telling his brother, “I don’t like the way you look at him.”
“You always loved him,” Ron said. “I don’t know how you thought you hid that, but you could never stay away from Noah, and he was always trashy. Always no good. And when you found out how no good he was… it didn’t stop you. You just ran after him. You can’t stay away from him.”
While Ron was talking, his finger was running over the mouse pad of his silver laptop.
“Look at this? Com’on. Take a good look.”
He pushed the laptop toward his brother.
“I don’t need to see that,” James said, his face frowning.
“I think you do. You know what it is, don’t you?”
James said: “Yes, it’s the past.”
“It’s the present. It’s what you saw. Didn’t you go to… where do they do those movies?”
James said nothing, and when this nothing had gone on long enough, his brother pronounced, annunciating each syllable: “Port-Ridge.”
“I’m tired of this. I just came to say goodbye.”
“James Lewis, you are stranger and stranger. You never were anything. Didn’t like girls, don’t remember you liking boys. Just… living for this one. And now, what? He sleeps next to you, in the bed with you? And that’s it? And let’s just look at this, I mean let’s look at some of these:”
Ron read: “Noah fucks Johnny. Noah fucks Rod, Noah fucks Burt. And then Burt Fucks Noah, Todd fucks Noah. And Flash—there’s a Flash—fucks Noah. A few threesomes in here and, to his credit, something called Fuckfest, Fuckfest One and Fuckfest Three.”
“Close it,” James rose up. “Or close your mouth.”
“I’m just saying,” Ron’s tone grew harsher, “if you’re going to be gay, fine. If you’re going to bring home a white guy… Shit, it hardly matters. But how can you love someone who’s been fucked by and is fucking everybody but you?”
“I’m walking out now. I’m getting Noah, and we’re walking out.”
Ron said in a low, frantic voice, “Jamie, he’s trash.”
James made it to the door, and was startled to see, past the lentil, hidden by the wall, Noah.
“Noah.”
“Let’s go,” Noah said.
“Why are you…?” James began, “just standing there? Listening?”
Ron came out. The look on his face was hard to understand. He seemed almost, but not entirely, embarrassed.
Noah screwed up everything in him. There were lots of things he did, but he didn’t make great speeches. He said:
“I’m not trash, Ron!” And then he repeated: “I’m not trash,” and headed out the door, down the porch and into the car.
All the ground was bare and dusted with grey snow. The world was grey. Spring would be good. Noah sat in the passenger’s seat, silent.
“You wanna go back to your mom’s house, or you wanna go back to Rossford?”
“Rossford,” Noah said. “The apartment. I hate all of this.” He stared out the window. “I hate the country.”
James spared Noah a glance, and put his hand to the boy’s curly hair. He stroked Noah’s shoulders and arms with his free hand, and at last placed his hand over Noah’s, which was a big deal, because James Lewis was paranoid about one handed driving.
“Don’t go away from me,” he said. “Don’t retreat into that rage and go to that place I can’t get you, all right? Don’t leave me, Noah.”
Noah, still angry, still hurt, nodded as they passed the fields, past the sign that said East Carmel 5 Miles.
“I can’t leave you,” he said. “I never could.”
I was glad when they said unto me
Let us go to the house of the Lord!
Our feet shall stand within thy gates, O Jerusalem.
Jerusalem is builded as a city that is compact together…
Brian, who had been singing along, stopped with a yelp when he turned and saw Chad, who was smiling, not unkindly.
Brian reached for the remote control and turned the choir down.
“You weren’t supposed to hear me yelping along,” Brian said as he approached Chad, catching him by the shoulders.
“In truth, I couldn’t even hear you helping along. But your neighbors might not care for your… devotion.”
“Good point,” Brian said. “King’s College Choir.”
Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within
Thy palaces
For, my brethren and companions’ sakes,
I will now say, Peace be within thee…
“I was thinking I could do an arrangement like this for Sunday Mass, or even a school mass.”
Brian stopped.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Ghost, as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be, world without end
Amen!
Chad sensed that he should be quiet for the Doxology as well and then, grinning, said, “You want to teach our choir to sound like that?”
Brian’s face broke into a smile as they went to the sofa. “We can get as close to it as possible.” He shrugged. “And then I just like it. I was looking for Handel’s Messiah, at the public library one day, a few years back, and this… larger fellow was sitting square in front of the music section. I said, excuse me, but he didn’t understand that this meant he should move his chair. Anyway, on my knees, scrabbling for Handel, I found this CD.”
The choir’s voice rose:
There, go the ships: there is that Leviathan, whom
Thou hast made to play therein.
These wait all upon thee; that thou mayest give them
Their meat in due season…
Brian’s lips moved along and Chad said, “You know what? I really love you right now.”
The only term for the look on Brian’s face that Chad could conceive was “fresh”, maybe happy.
“Because I’m a freak.”
“No,” Chad said. “No, that’s not what I was thinking.”
They sat on the sofa, linking fingers, happy with each other, needing not to say anything.
“I did have something to tell you,” Chad said. “I forgot.”
Brian looked to Chad.
“I got accepted to Randolph.”
Brian’s eyes lit up, but he said, “I knew you would. Do you want it?”
“It’s the one I want the most.”
“We should celebrate.”
Chad grinned at him fiercely and said, “Right now?”
“I don’t mean like that,” Brian’s face went red. “That’s… common coin for us.”
“I like our common coin.”
“I like it too,” Brian said. “I like it a lot. But, we’re going to do something really special. What do you want to do?”
“I…” Chad pursed his lips. “I haven’t really thought of it.”
“Well, think of it,” Brian said.
“Brian?”
“Um hum.”
“What about us? If I go away, what happens to us?”
“Don’t worry about us.”
Chad reached for the remote control and put the stereo on mute as the choir demanded:
Who is the king of glory?—
“What?” Brian said.
“Do you love me?”
Brian’s face looked frightened and troubled.
“How could you doubt that, Chad?”
“Because… you’re going to just let me go off to Randolph.”
Brian shook his head grimly.
“When I was younger, and… selfish, I would have done anything to keep someone close to me. I want what’s best for you, all right? I will… drive two and a half hours back and forth every weekend if I have to, but you will go to the best place, all right?”
Chad nodded.
Brian touched his cheek.
“And nothing’s going keep us apart, so don’t you worry. All right?”
Chad nodded again and, feeling strangely emotional, he managed to say: “All right.”
To her son’s surprise, Naomi jumped up and clapped her hands when Noah entered the apartment, followed by James.
“It’s just me, Ma.”
Naomi tottered across the room and clasped his face. “It’s my Noah.” And then she came to James and said, “It’s my James.”
“James is going to stay here, Mom.”
“Well, that’s good,” Naomi said. “With Paul talking about leaving and all.”
“Is he still talking about that?”
Naomi nodded.
“And he’s never here. It’s just me here in this place, all by myself.”
“Well,” James said, “now we’re back.”
“Now you are,” Naomi agreed. “But I was thinking…”
“What?” Noah said. “I can’t guess what you’re thinking, Ma.”
“That you and James might want some,” she winked at both of them, “quiet time.
“Now don’t blush,” she said. “You of all people shouldn’t blush, and James can’t blush. Goddamn, I’m so glad you’re back. I need some champagne. I need a cigarette.”
James just looked at Naomi, and Noah, shook his head: “You know Mom.”
“And there is another thing,” Naomi said. “If James is going to stay here, then I think I should start thinking about going back to Rummelsville.”
“Are you nuts?” Noah said.
“Well you went back.”
“Yeah,” Noah allowed.
“And you hated that place.”
“Ma,” Noah sat her down. “You came to me, crying, about how someone wanted to kill you. James came looking for you—”
“He was looking for you, baby. Weren’t you?” Naomi looked up at James.
“Well, yes,” James began.
“But he was also checking on you,” Noah said. “Because you had called him. Because you were afraid.”
“I’m going back to Rummelsville, and that’s all there is to it.”
Noah shook his head.
“Well, just tell me? Are you and James going to try to make something together?”
“Naomi, we don’t even know what we are right now.”
Naomi shrugged at James.
“Maybe,” she said. “But how can you become it if an old lady’s hanging around?”
“Hardly an old lady,” Noah said.
There was a knock at the door, but before anyone could go to answer it, Danasia walked in, started to say, “What’s uh—” and then shouted and ran to Noah. She tugged on James’s cheek.
“You learn that from Naomi?” James asked her.
Danasia shrugged. “She’s a bad influence.”
“Guilty as charged,” Naomi agreed.
“Mom’s talking about leaving.”
“What!” Danasia shouted. “You can’t go. We have work. We work together, bitch.”
“This was Noah and Paul’s place,” Naomi said. “With you and me and Kirk showing up here half the time. Who can have a real life here? And Noah and James are about to try to have a real life.”
Danasia looked from James to Noah.
“Is that right?”
With a guilty look, James said, “Kind of.”
Noah said, “It is true.”
“Oh,” Danasia put her hands together, “and three makes a crowd when two are bumpin’ and grinding.”
“You’re so eloquent,” James said.
“It’s crude for you,” she told him. “But Nay and Noah feel me, don’t yawl?”
Noah smiled and said, “We keep it real in Rummelsville.”
“Okay, well, here’s what we do tonight,” Danasia said. “Naomi can clear out and stay with me at Lee and Tom’s. I don’t know how the hell Tom lived there by himself. It’s big as fuck.”
Naomi nodded, and then said, “Well, what about all the other nights after this one?”
Danasia looked at Naomi in something approaching disgust.
“What?”
“You can move in with me, bitch,” she said. “We can get an apartment. Or is that too much for you to stand?”
“I could—” Naomi began. “I could stand that!”
“Good,” Danasia looked pleased. “Then we can get our apartment hunting on. And you too,” she pointed to James and Noah, “can get your grind on.”
James groaned, but Noah just said to him, “You never really get used to her, you know?”
FIVE
RULES OF LOVE
They had driven up from Rummelsville to Madison. The trip took two days and in the passenger’s seat Noah said, “It looked so much smaller on the map. Who knew it would take this long?”
James had surprised Noah by packing up everything in his apartment.
“We’re going back to Rossford,” he told him.
“Really?”
“You’ve followed me, and now I’m following you.”
“I don’t understand,” Noah stood in James’ living room with a box in his hands. “What are we up to? You and me?”
“I asked you that same question, Noah. And you said you didn’t know, and I don’t know either. So we’ll both just have to be okay with that.”
And then Noah smiled and realized he was.
“You know what?” he said that afternoon when they were on their way south.
Because James said nothing, Noah continued, “I want to be in Rossford for Ash Wednesday. I want to go to church on Ash Wednesday.”
“Do you know when it is?”
Noah confessed that he did not.
“Before we get to Rossford, I want to stop and see my brother,” James told Noah.
And so that was where they were, right now, where James was telling his brother, “I don’t like the way you look at him.”
“You always loved him,” Ron said. “I don’t know how you thought you hid that, but you could never stay away from Noah, and he was always trashy. Always no good. And when you found out how no good he was… it didn’t stop you. You just ran after him. You can’t stay away from him.”
While Ron was talking, his finger was running over the mouse pad of his silver laptop.
“Look at this? Com’on. Take a good look.”
He pushed the laptop toward his brother.
“I don’t need to see that,” James said, his face frowning.
“I think you do. You know what it is, don’t you?”
James said: “Yes, it’s the past.”
“It’s the present. It’s what you saw. Didn’t you go to… where do they do those movies?”
James said nothing, and when this nothing had gone on long enough, his brother pronounced, annunciating each syllable: “Port-Ridge.”
“I’m tired of this. I just came to say goodbye.”
“James Lewis, you are stranger and stranger. You never were anything. Didn’t like girls, don’t remember you liking boys. Just… living for this one. And now, what? He sleeps next to you, in the bed with you? And that’s it? And let’s just look at this, I mean let’s look at some of these:”
Ron read: “Noah fucks Johnny. Noah fucks Rod, Noah fucks Burt. And then Burt Fucks Noah, Todd fucks Noah. And Flash—there’s a Flash—fucks Noah. A few threesomes in here and, to his credit, something called Fuckfest, Fuckfest One and Fuckfest Three.”
“Close it,” James rose up. “Or close your mouth.”
“I’m just saying,” Ron’s tone grew harsher, “if you’re going to be gay, fine. If you’re going to bring home a white guy… Shit, it hardly matters. But how can you love someone who’s been fucked by and is fucking everybody but you?”
“I’m walking out now. I’m getting Noah, and we’re walking out.”
Ron said in a low, frantic voice, “Jamie, he’s trash.”
James made it to the door, and was startled to see, past the lentil, hidden by the wall, Noah.
“Noah.”
“Let’s go,” Noah said.
“Why are you…?” James began, “just standing there? Listening?”
Ron came out. The look on his face was hard to understand. He seemed almost, but not entirely, embarrassed.
Noah screwed up everything in him. There were lots of things he did, but he didn’t make great speeches. He said:
“I’m not trash, Ron!” And then he repeated: “I’m not trash,” and headed out the door, down the porch and into the car.
All the ground was bare and dusted with grey snow. The world was grey. Spring would be good. Noah sat in the passenger’s seat, silent.
“You wanna go back to your mom’s house, or you wanna go back to Rossford?”
“Rossford,” Noah said. “The apartment. I hate all of this.” He stared out the window. “I hate the country.”
James spared Noah a glance, and put his hand to the boy’s curly hair. He stroked Noah’s shoulders and arms with his free hand, and at last placed his hand over Noah’s, which was a big deal, because James Lewis was paranoid about one handed driving.
“Don’t go away from me,” he said. “Don’t retreat into that rage and go to that place I can’t get you, all right? Don’t leave me, Noah.”
Noah, still angry, still hurt, nodded as they passed the fields, past the sign that said East Carmel 5 Miles.
“I can’t leave you,” he said. “I never could.”
I was glad when they said unto me
Let us go to the house of the Lord!
Our feet shall stand within thy gates, O Jerusalem.
Jerusalem is builded as a city that is compact together…
Brian, who had been singing along, stopped with a yelp when he turned and saw Chad, who was smiling, not unkindly.
Brian reached for the remote control and turned the choir down.
“You weren’t supposed to hear me yelping along,” Brian said as he approached Chad, catching him by the shoulders.
“In truth, I couldn’t even hear you helping along. But your neighbors might not care for your… devotion.”
“Good point,” Brian said. “King’s College Choir.”
Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within
Thy palaces
For, my brethren and companions’ sakes,
I will now say, Peace be within thee…
“I was thinking I could do an arrangement like this for Sunday Mass, or even a school mass.”
Brian stopped.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Ghost, as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be, world without end
Amen!
Chad sensed that he should be quiet for the Doxology as well and then, grinning, said, “You want to teach our choir to sound like that?”
Brian’s face broke into a smile as they went to the sofa. “We can get as close to it as possible.” He shrugged. “And then I just like it. I was looking for Handel’s Messiah, at the public library one day, a few years back, and this… larger fellow was sitting square in front of the music section. I said, excuse me, but he didn’t understand that this meant he should move his chair. Anyway, on my knees, scrabbling for Handel, I found this CD.”
The choir’s voice rose:
There, go the ships: there is that Leviathan, whom
Thou hast made to play therein.
These wait all upon thee; that thou mayest give them
Their meat in due season…
Brian’s lips moved along and Chad said, “You know what? I really love you right now.”
The only term for the look on Brian’s face that Chad could conceive was “fresh”, maybe happy.
“Because I’m a freak.”
“No,” Chad said. “No, that’s not what I was thinking.”
They sat on the sofa, linking fingers, happy with each other, needing not to say anything.
“I did have something to tell you,” Chad said. “I forgot.”
Brian looked to Chad.
“I got accepted to Randolph.”
Brian’s eyes lit up, but he said, “I knew you would. Do you want it?”
“It’s the one I want the most.”
“We should celebrate.”
Chad grinned at him fiercely and said, “Right now?”
“I don’t mean like that,” Brian’s face went red. “That’s… common coin for us.”
“I like our common coin.”
“I like it too,” Brian said. “I like it a lot. But, we’re going to do something really special. What do you want to do?”
“I…” Chad pursed his lips. “I haven’t really thought of it.”
“Well, think of it,” Brian said.
“Brian?”
“Um hum.”
“What about us? If I go away, what happens to us?”
“Don’t worry about us.”
Chad reached for the remote control and put the stereo on mute as the choir demanded:
Who is the king of glory?—
“What?” Brian said.
“Do you love me?”
Brian’s face looked frightened and troubled.
“How could you doubt that, Chad?”
“Because… you’re going to just let me go off to Randolph.”
Brian shook his head grimly.
“When I was younger, and… selfish, I would have done anything to keep someone close to me. I want what’s best for you, all right? I will… drive two and a half hours back and forth every weekend if I have to, but you will go to the best place, all right?”
Chad nodded.
Brian touched his cheek.
“And nothing’s going keep us apart, so don’t you worry. All right?”
Chad nodded again and, feeling strangely emotional, he managed to say: “All right.”
To her son’s surprise, Naomi jumped up and clapped her hands when Noah entered the apartment, followed by James.
“It’s just me, Ma.”
Naomi tottered across the room and clasped his face. “It’s my Noah.” And then she came to James and said, “It’s my James.”
“James is going to stay here, Mom.”
“Well, that’s good,” Naomi said. “With Paul talking about leaving and all.”
“Is he still talking about that?”
Naomi nodded.
“And he’s never here. It’s just me here in this place, all by myself.”
“Well,” James said, “now we’re back.”
“Now you are,” Naomi agreed. “But I was thinking…”
“What?” Noah said. “I can’t guess what you’re thinking, Ma.”
“That you and James might want some,” she winked at both of them, “quiet time.
“Now don’t blush,” she said. “You of all people shouldn’t blush, and James can’t blush. Goddamn, I’m so glad you’re back. I need some champagne. I need a cigarette.”
James just looked at Naomi, and Noah, shook his head: “You know Mom.”
“And there is another thing,” Naomi said. “If James is going to stay here, then I think I should start thinking about going back to Rummelsville.”
“Are you nuts?” Noah said.
“Well you went back.”
“Yeah,” Noah allowed.
“And you hated that place.”
“Ma,” Noah sat her down. “You came to me, crying, about how someone wanted to kill you. James came looking for you—”
“He was looking for you, baby. Weren’t you?” Naomi looked up at James.
“Well, yes,” James began.
“But he was also checking on you,” Noah said. “Because you had called him. Because you were afraid.”
“I’m going back to Rummelsville, and that’s all there is to it.”
Noah shook his head.
“Well, just tell me? Are you and James going to try to make something together?”
“Naomi, we don’t even know what we are right now.”
Naomi shrugged at James.
“Maybe,” she said. “But how can you become it if an old lady’s hanging around?”
“Hardly an old lady,” Noah said.
There was a knock at the door, but before anyone could go to answer it, Danasia walked in, started to say, “What’s uh—” and then shouted and ran to Noah. She tugged on James’s cheek.
“You learn that from Naomi?” James asked her.
Danasia shrugged. “She’s a bad influence.”
“Guilty as charged,” Naomi agreed.
“Mom’s talking about leaving.”
“What!” Danasia shouted. “You can’t go. We have work. We work together, bitch.”
“This was Noah and Paul’s place,” Naomi said. “With you and me and Kirk showing up here half the time. Who can have a real life here? And Noah and James are about to try to have a real life.”
Danasia looked from James to Noah.
“Is that right?”
With a guilty look, James said, “Kind of.”
Noah said, “It is true.”
“Oh,” Danasia put her hands together, “and three makes a crowd when two are bumpin’ and grinding.”
“You’re so eloquent,” James said.
“It’s crude for you,” she told him. “But Nay and Noah feel me, don’t yawl?”
Noah smiled and said, “We keep it real in Rummelsville.”
“Okay, well, here’s what we do tonight,” Danasia said. “Naomi can clear out and stay with me at Lee and Tom’s. I don’t know how the hell Tom lived there by himself. It’s big as fuck.”
Naomi nodded, and then said, “Well, what about all the other nights after this one?”
Danasia looked at Naomi in something approaching disgust.
“What?”
“You can move in with me, bitch,” she said. “We can get an apartment. Or is that too much for you to stand?”
“I could—” Naomi began. “I could stand that!”
“Good,” Danasia looked pleased. “Then we can get our apartment hunting on. And you too,” she pointed to James and Noah, “can get your grind on.”
James groaned, but Noah just said to him, “You never really get used to her, you know?”
