Only you can decide, what is right and good for you.
But I believe, you had known that bit for a while now, hadn't you?
I also believe that the key point of your posting is this:
but here lately I'm feeling increasingly alienated in the gay community.
After three years of being out (to all but my family that'd disown me, of course), everything I've seen has led me to believe that a depressing majority of all gay relationships are about sex and physically related things.
Now, I've toned myself down a considerable amount. I once left a boy in a Best Buy because he checked someone else out in front of me. Alas, even with cutting a few losses and picking my battles, it feels like a hopeless cause. It feels like you constantly have to compete with other guys. It's exhausting.
In my experience, you can't have anything with a guy if you're not willing to immediately give him sex. And when I find out a guy I like has had a ridiculous amount of sexual partners, I simply can't take him seriously. I know it's an important part of any healthy relationship, but where's the integrity? Is it really so prudish to have a little bit of standard?
The more I'm on the market, the more it feels like a frantic bid for a few cheap fucks and shallow emotional leechcraft.
Maybe I'm a little too naive.
Yup. You are right. The majority of m2m relationships is about sex. Not all of them. But a huge percentage by all means. Men simply like to get their rocks off. You may not like it that way, but that's what it is. And judging by the course of human history, this is not going to change anytime soon.
So, you are different. No wonder, you feel alienated. That's the burden every social group puts upon the shoulders of any member, who does not conform with the prevailing mores. So, accept your alienation as a most natural thing to happen under your circumstances.
You feel like a 'hopeless case'. And you have been trying to amend your ways, in view of the 'hopeless case' feeling. You want to look into this very carefully. If your ways are not producing satisfactory results, wouldn't it be only appropriate to amend them until they start producing good results.
Yes, you are absolutely right. On one level or the other, you will always have to compete with other guys out there. Accept that challenge and master it. Nothing kills more long and hard sought after relationships than that feeling that your partner is taking you for granted and that there is nothing you ought to be doing to keep that relationship going. Yup. It is exhausting alright. Most of the good things in life are.
Besides being very sexual and mostly highly promiscious, a few of us have been burnt at least once. We went through all the dating, romance and once we really fell in love, it was only to discover that our partners did not really make us happy between the sheets. I am one of the guys, who swore never to make that mistake again. Take my word on it.
It is a common mistake to believe that my BF's history really starts with me. If personal history really matters to you that much, start looking for the guys, who are still virgins. That'll be a very difficult thing to do, but that might be your only way? Or choose to accept the reality of the world around you and work within the given environment.
Nope, it is not very prudish to have a little standard. But you want to think twice about establishing the extent of that standard? So far, it must have been gauged in a manner that left you embittered and alone for three years.
Wouldn't you be willing to redefine it?
SC
