The sex has dried up

[NewStart]

I don't know if this post fits in this forum or the health one, but here goes: the sex has dried up. The last time I successfully has sex with my bf was about 4 weeks back and that was after two months. Until about 6 months the back our sex life was ok (though not great). We have been together for about 6 years, and care deeply for each other.

The problem is that I just can't get fucked anymore. We've tried extensive foreplay, but there is a sharp pain in my ass as soon as he enters. It gets much worse when he starts banging. I just can't take it and make him stop. I went to a doctor, pretending that it's haemorrhoid (can't be honest about anal sex here). He gave me medication but it hasn't really helped.

Compounding the issue is that over the last two years or so, my bf has been putting on a lot of weight. While I have been going to the gym regularly, eating healthy and maintaining a good build, his waist is now touching 37". I have told him many many times that he should work out and watch his diet, but he loves his food, and is unable to change his pattern. I often find myself chatting with hot, skinny guys on grindr just to get some sense of excitement.

We are committed to each other, but the current situation doesn't seem healthy. Help!!

 

[palbert]

Have you and he discussed your sex life?

Is the lack of sex related to your difficulty with anal?

 

[LugueXyX]

Was this doc a proctologist? Well, gym sucks sometimes, so why don't you try sports? I had the same weight issue, so I started my Tae-kwon-do classes; it really help losing weight.

 

[Orlandude]

The weight gain is somewhat disturbing because too often it is associated with an underlying problem where he may be using food to satisfy a deeper problem. Sometimes when people can't handle certain stresses they use food as a distribution system to drown out the stress instead of seeking healthy stress outlets like exercise and eating properly and keeping a sense of self-worth and personal appearance...and sexual interest.

 

[dereperez]

Try to find a physical activity (other than sex) that you two can do together. Maybe go to the gym together or have jogs together. Set aside some time each week for these kind of things and it may motivate him to join you in keeping fit for his health. As for the pain from anal sex, is anal a prerequisite for him? Did you let him know about your pain when he penetrates you? Perhaps you could share intimacy without penetration.

 

[sixthson]

Two things: first, did the doctor who examined you only do an external exam? If so, then perhaps you need a more thorough, internal look to rule out anything physical. Second, I'd be interested in the rest of your relationship. I think that problems in the bedroom are often an indication of problems elsewhere in the relationship. Have you lost your attraction to him due to his weight gain? Are you bored with each other or are you falling into a boring routine? Why aren't you having a sex life together apart from anal?

It's great that you are committed to each other, but just what exactly are you committed to? Just as love without commitment is not enough for a real relationship, so is commitment without a sure love not enough to sustain a life together. I know that you are not in a gay friendly part of the world, so having more feedback on the two of you could help us understand where you are in your relationship.

 

[eastofeden]

May I ask...would it be dangerous where you are to tell your doctor the truth? I think for a proper medical diagnosis that the truth is essential...

 

[KaraBulut]

May I ask...would it be dangerous where you are to tell your doctor the truth? I think for a proper medical diagnosis that the truth is essential...

His location is disclosed on his profile.

The problem is that I just can't get fucked anymore. We've tried extensive foreplay, but there is a sharp pain in my ass as soon as he enters. It gets much worse when he starts banging. I just can't take it and make him stop...

Compounding the issue is that over the last two years or so, my bf has been putting on a lot of weight.

It's interesting that you mentioned the change in your partner's appearance in conjunction with your post about painful intercourse.

Out of curiosity, when your partner was in shape, did you enjoy anal sex with him? How much do you think the change in your boyfriend's appearance, the decline of your sex life and the pain you are having are connected?

 

[Seasoned]

You seem to need an internal exam to rule out any serious issues going on with you. Are there any Western doctors available for you to see? Is it possible you've caused an injury? There has to be an explanation of why suddenly it's become painful. I hope your able to resolve this b

 

[kallipolis]

Out of curiosity, when your partner was in shape, did you enjoy anal sex with him? How much do you think the change in your boyfriend's appearance, the decline of your sex life and the pain you are having are connected?

Noteworthy...................

 

[NewStart]

Dear JUBers,

Thank you for weighing in.

The doctor I saw was a general surgeon. He slid a finger into the rectum to check for haemorrhoids, but said he did not feel any. He prescribed an ointment (Doxiproct - Calcium dobesilate, lidocaine hydrochloride, dexamethasone acetate) and tablets (Daflon 500mg). Due to my travel schedule, I could not do a regular course of the tablets (10 days continuously) but I used the ointment as prescribed. The discomfort has not entirely gone away. One other point is that I have IBS. I've had it for a decade, and it has never caused issues. I'm careful not to 'strain' even when the bowel movement frequency is on the higher side (which it is these days).

About the relationship, our sex used to be great until about 6 months back. I have had issues with his weight for a while, but it never came in the way of a really fulfilling sex life. I think this discomfort is more physiological than psychological - but the weight issue doesn't help i guess.

I would love to discuss this honestly with the doctor, but unfortunately doing so can get me arrested. While I have come across some really well meaning doctors here, they are required to report illegal activities (e.g. Gay sex, STDs) to the Ministry of Health. Some may not report it out of compassion, but they are legally obligated to do so.

The doctor said that if the cream and tablets do not take the discomfort away, then he will do a visual examination. Should I go for it?