The story of mine... please give some advice...

[PhatFabs]

I'm 26, a gay, a fat guy with stable income and career. I live in a conservative Muslim world where gay is totally unacceptable. I'm the only son of my parents and that's the root of the problem that I'm going to share to you. Since my childhood, my parents had given lots of attention to me, especially my dad. I can consider myself as a good and obedient son to my parents. I used to study hard at school, got good grades, studied at local government-subsidised university and finally graduated... and secured a job. I followed everything what my dad wanted me to do, and that made me to who I am now... but with all those good things happened to me, here's the big fact that they don't know... I'm a GAY.

Previously, I was OK with that. I thought of having a family of my own, living a normal straight life like anyone do, and getting respects from my families and friends. However, my plans changed after something different happen halfway through. I met this one guy from Internet. He's 4 years older than me, handsome, smart, fit, good, and have all the good qualities that I want. I like everything about him... from top to toe. He's the first man that I love, that I never though of. Before him, I never falled in love with any other guys, anybody. He's not a Muslim, not from my country (but from neighboring country), he's not the same ethnicity as I am, but he's very perfect to me.

We got to know each other in the internet for about 4 years before he decided to meet me (since that we're not from the same country, he needs to put extra efforts to meet me). We're in love with each other at that time, but when we met physically for the first time, I could feel the love we had is so strong. He's really in love in me, and I'm really in love with him. I could describe it as a "perfect relationship" we have... because we never crossed to any indifferences, we never quarrelled, we never fought. Plus, he had already met my family and my family really liked him. They regard him as part of us, although they never know who he is. They never know, we are gay, and he's my boyfriend. By the way, we don't look gay... and that makes my family never look suspicious on us.

So now, the question that keep on playing in my mind is... how about my future with him? How about my real future? His environment also homophobic, and so do mine. We both live in Muslim country which don't allow any same sex marriage and homosexuality is considered a crime. He's now 30 and he told me he need to get married some other time to "cover up" his sexuality. I can't stop him, because I need to do the same too. However, both of us are really in love with each other and yet, we need to "cover up". I can't do anything much because I really love him. On the other side, my family's also asking of me whether I have girlfriend or not... but I keep on answering, "There's no girl who like a fat guy like me". I can't get myself answer the same question with the same answer each and everytime. No matter what, both of us need to make our own way to get married... but that really hurts each other.

So then, we planned to divorce after one or two years of marriage. Then how about our heirs? I'm the only son in my family, and so do him. If we don't have children, who're going to take care of us when we're old? We planned to live together but is that possible? I have load of questions jamming up in my mind that I can't answer... he also can't answer. We really want our relationship to stay forever since that we're not having much problem since the past 6 years, but at the same time, we don't want to sacrifice our precious tie with families and friends (since that it is our custom to honour our ties with families and friends). So what do you guys think of our situation? Any advice?

 

[WYSIWYG]

I did exactly what you contemplating doing...getting mattied to cover up. I have to tell you that is probably the worst thing you could ever do. What about the woman and her feelings? What about if you have children?

I do not kow much about Muslim countries so I do not know if divorce is an option or how easy it is to divorce.

My former marriage was a joke, with no relationship. After the 2 children I felt obligated to them and found it was hard to ask for a divorce.

I would say both of you need to find another way....

 

[Eagle653]

On a purely practical level, you two could always marry a lesbian couple who needs a cover too. Then, live in a flat together. Who shares which bedrooms would never be known.

Other than that, there's no way to reconcile your dilemma. Neither your family, nor your society, is going to accept you two being a couple. And, it doesn't sound like he's willing to go against the grain, either. In fact, he fully intends to get married for his survival, too.

About the only way to pull this off is for both of you to commit to each other and move to a country/society that is more accepting, and one in which you can live openly. Given your strong family ties, that doesn't appear likely or easy to do.

So...I come back to where I started: Find a lesbian couple who needs a cover and marry them. Weirder things have happened. You could even have a double wedding and use artificial insemination for kids if you want.

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing and what you're thinking.

 

[MindBlast]

Option A) GTFO the country and move somewhere better. You're obviously good enough with the English language to get by.

Option B) Like averageguy suggests, move in with a lesbian couple and each of you marry one of them. The 4 of you live together. Problem solved, hopefully.

 

[spreadeagle]

Within your lifetimes the Muslim attitude towards homosexuality is unlikely to change radically. There are only three possibilities: stay where you are and behave like a 'normal' person; stay where you are and become an activist; get out.

The best that you can hope for from the first option is if one of you emigrates to the country of the other so that you optimise the amount of time you can spend together. To marry and have a family need not be negative, and you can derive a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from that, while still continuing the relationship with your lover. Men will have behaved like this in your culture for millennia. You could probably gradually discover secret networks of other (married)gay men.

To become a gay rights' activist would be to create a life for yourself full of danger and self-sacrifice; but it is only by the efforts of brave men and women who have done this in the past that we have achieved relative amounts of freedom in recent times. It would be a noble but painful choice. It is possible to promote gay rights in more subtle ways too - by using your vote appropriately, by teaching your children tolerance, or by financially supporting gay causes, for example.

If you decide to get out I suggest you carefully, but secretly, document your relationship with your lover. Try and make contacts within the country in which you would eventually like to live. Perhaps visit the country with your lover - get married there. Discover all you can about that countries regulations regarding immigration and political asylum.

Good luck.

 

[wentworth]

You're just going to have to do what you know you have to do.
Have a marriage arranged and do the best you can.
You will manage--like many before you.

Muslim and gay? Go here: http://www.al-fatiha.org/
They'll have plenty of resources for you.

More here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Fatiha_Foundation

 

[cyberpunkemon]

Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain? Two married men met up once a year to spend time alone, but they can only do it for so long before somebody finds out. In this day and age, anything is possible. Love doesn't come easy. If both of you are truly in love, consider moving to a more acceptable society and still keep a healthy relationship with your family. Easier said than done, but it will keep your parents from nagging you about marriage and finding out.

 

[PhatFabs]

I did exactly what you contemplating doing...getting mattied to cover up. I have to tell you that is probably the worst thing you could ever do. What about the woman and her feelings? What about if you have children?

I do not kow much about Muslim countries so I do not know if divorce is an option or how easy it is to divorce.

My former marriage was a joke, with no relationship. After the 2 children I felt obligated to them and found it was hard to ask for a divorce.

I would say both of you need to find another way....

In Muslim countries, a Muslim guy can divorce his wife easily just by saying "we're thru". It's easy to me since that I'm a Muslim, but it's not that easy for my boyfriend because he's not a Muslim. He needs his wife's consent before getting divorced. I think it's the same like what u guys have in your country.

I'm thinking of migrating to other countries who accept homosexuals, but I really treasure my ties with families and friends. So... How about registering my relationship with my bf (marrying my bf) then go back to my hometown? Don't you think it's a good idea?

 

[PhatFabs]

On a purely practical level, you two could always marry a lesbian couple who needs a cover too. Then, live in a flat together. Who shares which bedrooms would never be known.

Other than that, there's no way to reconcile your dilemma. Neither your family, nor your society, is going to accept you two being a couple. And, it doesn't sound like he's willing to go against the grain, either. In fact, he fully intends to get married for his survival, too.

About the only way to pull this off is for both of you to commit to each other and move to a country/society that is more accepting, and one in which you can live openly. Given your strong family ties, that doesn't appear likely or easy to do.

So...I come back to where I started: Find a lesbian couple who needs a cover and marry them. Weirder things have happened. You could even have a double wedding and use artificial insemination for kids if you want.

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing and what you're thinking.

Thank u, mr. Mod. My bf was also thinking that way when we did some brainstorming. However, finding a lesbian is not that easy compared to finding a gay. Despite lesbians, I had also suggested marrying by "contract" or contractually marrying someone within period of time... maybe 1-2 years. Isn't that a good idea? Maybe in between, we both undergo artificial insemination like what u suggested. How bout that?

 

[PhatFabs]

Within your lifetimes the Muslim attitude towards homosexuality is unlikely to change radically. There are only three possibilities: stay where you are and behave like a 'normal' person; stay where you are and become an activist; get out.

The best that you can hope for from the first option is if one of you emigrates to the country of the other so that you optimise the amount of time you can spend together. To marry and have a family need not be negative, and you can derive a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from that, while still continuing the relationship with your lover. Men will have behaved like this in your culture for millennia. You could probably gradually discover secret networks of other (married)gay men.

To become a gay rights' activist would be to create a life for yourself full of danger and self-sacrifice; but it is only by the efforts of brave men and women who have done this in the past that we have achieved relative amounts of freedom in recent times. It would be a noble but painful choice. It is possible to promote gay rights in more subtle ways too - by using your vote appropriately, by teaching your children tolerance, or by financially supporting gay causes, for example.

If you decide to get out I suggest you carefully, but secretly, document your relationship with your lover. Try and make contacts within the country in which you would eventually like to live. Perhaps visit the country with your lover - get married there. Discover all you can about that countries regulations regarding immigration and political asylum.

Good luck.

I was thinking of New Zealand when it comes to document my marriage with him since that it is the nearest country. However, I found out that NZ don't allow same-sex marriage. So any suggestion of the country who easily legalize and document same-sex marriage?

 

[PhatFabs]

Any answers, guys?

 

[luminum]

Spain, South Africa, I think...Canada...

 

[holycrap]

where do you from ? malaysia ? singapore ? i thought malaysia and singapore are quite open ?

 

[PhatFabs]

Quite open.. but not that open. We are still living in a conservative state.

 

[Xpione]

Sound like Brokeback Mountain. The countries that allow same sex marriage are Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Cannada, and South Africa. There is no same sex marriage nor gay union in any Asian country.

 

[Xpione]

No actually two men having sex in Singapore is illegal

 

[rareboy]

Sure sucks to be you.

I also would vote with either moving to a more comfortable country.... or create a complicated lifetime sham marriage contract with a couple of lesbians. If you can't find lesbians, maybe there are a couple of convincing transvestites that you both could marry and then move far enough away from your respective families so that they can't visit and then divorce in a year or two after they have been artificially inseminated but fail to produce an heir.

Sounds complicated, but I'm liking it as a plot for a movie.

Seriously, it should be a crime against nature and moral conduct to marry a woman you do not love, just to hide and so that she can produce an heir. It is repugnant on so many levels. Be men and either come out as gay and try to change your world, or move to somewhere more gay friendly.

 

[backpacker]

In Muslim countries, a Muslim guy can divorce his wife easily just by saying "we're thru". It's easy to me since that I'm a Muslim, but it's not that easy for my boyfriend because he's not a Muslim. He needs his wife's consent before getting divorced. I think it's the same like what u guys have in your country.

I'm thinking of migrating to other countries who accept homosexuals, but I really treasure my ties with families and friends. So... How about registering my relationship with my bf (marrying my bf) then go back to my hometown? Don't you think it's a good idea?

What about the woman's feelings? Don't you think it's terribly unfair to trick a woman into marriage, then just decide that you want to divorced? Doesn't she deserve a guy who loves her? When you involve someone else, you can no longer only think of yourself.

I don't understand how you are treasuring your relationships with your friends and family by lying to them about who you are. Are these people going to cut you out of their lives if you come out? If so, why treasure these relationships?

Why would you get married in another country, then return to your hometown and pretend you're not married (I assume that's what you meant). The point of getting married is to show your commitment to everyone. I also don't understand why your boyfriend would want that type of relationship.

I understand that you live in a country where it is very difficult to be gay, but I honestly think your plan is a very bad one. It's not going to make you happy. In fact, it will probably make you more unhappy with your situation. The posters above have offered alternatives. You should seriously consider these options.

 

[Matthew-]

What about the woman's feelings? Don't you think it's terribly unfair to trick a woman into marriage, then just decide that you want to divorced? Doesn't she deserve a guy who loves her? When you involve someone else, you can no longer only think of yourself.

That is very true.

 

[Cirdan]

Very true vetteboi.

PhatFabs, there's a variety of homosexual references in the Koran.
Al Hadis, Vol. 4, p. 172, No. 34
Ali reported that the Apostle of Allah said, "There is in Paradise a market wherein there will be no buying or selling, but will consist of men and women. When a man desires a beauty, he will have intercourse with them."

There was an earlier line that Mohammed said regarding how paradise would be filled with young boys and girls, that would be scandalous in this age. Human nature is evident, yes?

I don't know much about anything, but if I were you, I'd get out of a bad environment.