the whore phase

[slobone]

Don't know if it's a phase -- I've been a whore most of my life, except when I was in a relationship (and except for the last couple of years, when I'm starting to slow down a little).

I have no apologies or regrets. I love having sex with men, and it baffles me why so many people seem to think you have to share your life with them before you can do it.

My general policy is, sex first, get to know you later. I refuse to believe there aren't a lot of guys on JUB who do things the same way.

If I meet somebody in a sex club or the equivalent, it's very straightforward. Do we want each other or not? Let's have some fun together! Why should we have to exchange resumes?

One night stands are a little more intrusive, because you're letting the guy into your house (or you're going into his). So in that case, I need to get to know him a little better, just to make sure he's not married or Jeffrey Dahmer or something.

But even there -- hey, you both know what the boundaries are going in. If it goes well, you can always exchange numbers and spend some more time together later. If it doesn't, well time to get up and go to work, kiss kiss, maybe I'll see you around some time.

I should mention that my longest relationship (7 years) was with a guy I met at a sex party. It was great, and then it wasn't so great, and then he met somebody at a gay bar and they've been together ever since. I went back on the cruise and had a great time until I met my next LTR.

 

[luminum]

I think in many ways I'm still in my whore phase. And I believe it's true that everyone has a whore phase. Whether they act on it is a whole different topic.

I also think that gay guys who come out later in life also undergo a juvenile 'middle school' phase when it comes to dating and relationship building.

 

[3nipples]

I think in many ways I'm still in my whore phase. And I believe it's true that everyone has a whore phase. Whether they act on it is a whole different topic.

I also think that gay guys who come out later in life also undergo a juvenile 'middle school' phase when it comes to dating and relationship building.

That's a new one. How do you define a whore phase that you don't act on? Are you suggesting that I would like to be doing it but am somehow just too represed? Not the case.

 

[halubtsi]

I'm curious about Luminum's suggestion, as well. Whoring usually equates to promiscuity, thus "acting on" lust. If you don't act on lust, then how exactly are you whoring yourself?

As for the juvenile "middle school" phase, I don't quite follow. Would you care to elaborate on what you mean by "middle school approach" to dating and relationship building? I can interpret your comment in two opposingly different ways. I'd like to get clarification before I respond to it.

 

[luminum]

That's a new one. How do you define a whore phase that you don't act on? Are you suggesting that I would like to be doing it but am somehow just too represed? Not the case.

I think of it more of a state of mind. For my response, slut and whore were synonymous, though I realize that they do have distinctive differences.

By inactive, I don't mean I'm willingly inactive. I just happen to be as a consequence of everything.

So I imagine if I were a little more confident and a little more attractive, I'd porbably be acting on lust all over the place. I'm just not getting any.

As for middle school-phase, I refer tot he fact that many adolescents experience the awkward time period of puberty, discovering attraction and only mellow out later (one would hope). However, for a lot of gay guys who are newly awakened to their attractions, they may not have ever gone through that phase or may have felt it and repressed it and failed to act on it. Sow hen they finally accept their sexuality, they have to go through a delayed 'second puberty', confusion and awkwardness included.

That may not be the case with everyone, but it certainly was the case for me and several of my friends.

 

[Riverrick]

As for middle school-phase, I refer tot he fact that many adolescents experience the awkward time period of puberty, discovering attraction and only mellow out later (one would hope). However, for a lot of gay guys who are newly awakened to their attractions, they may not have ever gone through that phase or may have felt it and repressed it and failed to act on it. Sow hen they finally accept their sexuality, they have to go through a delayed 'second puberty', confusion and awkwardness included.

That may not be the case with everyone, but it certainly was the case for me and several of my friends.

And for me as well.

 

[NameTaken]

I haven't even made out with one guy yet, lol, so I doubt I'' be able to have mywhore phase (which I'm looking forward too, lol) anytime soon!

 

[luminum]

Yeah, I didn't have my first kiss until last year when I was 19. First date/partner, too.

But...wasn't my first sexual experience.

And when we broke up, I felt so embarassed because I realized I was acting like some heartbroken 14 year-old girl. My best friend felt that was logical since most people start when they're 14. During the whole dating process I also acted like a school girl or something, all giggly and nervous, which isn't how young adults act when they date.

I still don't know how to approach guys and date ::shrug::

So I feel that this phase is going to have to run its course until I get to that 'realtionship maturity' that most other people reach within their later teen years.

 

[Oden_grey]

Well it's nice to see that some people here are grounded on good principles. A "whore phase" is entirely unnecessary and just shows how much we have to pander to an overly sexualized, decadent world. We've all become slaves to physical pleasure... not to say that physical pleasure isn't a good thing... it's just that we sacrifice our distinction from animals when we overindulge in it. We are human-beings and we should adhere to a higher plane of experience not subjugate ourselves with our primal urges.

I would never be able to live with myself if I ever slept around, not to say that I was never tempted... but moral grounding trumps my primal tendencies every time. Sadly, however, this mindset puts me in poor company.

 

[waynemm]

Quite a few interesting replies here! I'm learning every day!

drhladnjak, I liked your post very must, and it sums me up to a certain extent (apart from my parents giving me condoms... )

I'm in the position that at the age of 25, I haven't had any sexual experiences. AT ALL. And it's driving me nuts, as I'm horny as hell!! But I do feel that I only would wanna have sex with someone I trust, and can feel vulnerable with. So, one part of me wants to be a bit of a whore, and play catch-up. But another part of me, the committed, emotional side, doesn't want a quick, meaningless encounter.

Honestly, the idea of sex was fairly overwhelming to me. I had unnecessarily built it up to be such a huge deal that it was becoming an obstacle to making progress in other parts of my personal life. At the same time, I dated a few guys in that year and there was always this little nagging fear of that guy being my first and only sex partner. At some point, I realized I needed to experiment and get some sexual experience. I accepted that my first time wasn't going to be earth shattering, but that it would be fun, that I'd learn something from it and that it would be with a nice guy I was comfortable with. It was. That experimentation has given me much more confidence in pursuing a serious relationship in the future because the sexual element isn't as scary and unknown any more. I also feel like I have a better idea of what I'm looking for in partner sexually (and in other ways since I was dating several of these guys too).

This rings very true for me!!!

 

[trawler69]

Yes I had a whore phase from about 16 to 19 / 20, that didn't mean I was having sex all the time, just that I was looking for sex, not an emotional attachment. I was experimenting. Then I became more choosey and wanted to as least get to like the person before having sex. Now, I've kind of given up with myself, and descided to stick with having friends, unless a mirracle happens.

 

[jockboy01]

Sorry I haven't been around guys... I've been traveling a bit and missed following up here. But I love all of the responses. And at some point or another I've felt or wondered all of these things.

I would definitely agree that different people have different views on sex and what/with who it should be. And I can appreciate that. And I very much like luminum's comment about being in a middle school phase. I've very much felt that way since I came out (more to myself than others) over the last year. It is so weird b/c the rest of me (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually) is all on the same page really. But the relationship aspect is totally behind in so many ways... I do very much feel like a middle schooler. And it bothers me a lot. So now the question is.... does that catch up? Is there a way to fast forward it? It really doesn't work to have it out of sync with the rest imo.

And I totally agree with ladygrey about the need for balance in life. Normally I'm good at it, but recently everything has been out of balance and boy, can I feel that.

Jockboy, how do you like LA?

It's going okay, thanks for asking. It'll be nicer when I'm actually in the city so it isn't a hundred plus miles to get there. But I'm enjoying it.... starting to make friends and feel settled again. It always takes some time and is a slow process, but I've done it a few times so now I know that the first few months suck. But I'm beyond the sucky part now and so it should just keep getting better.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Jockboy,

Welcome back!

"And I very much like luminum's comment about being in a middle school phase. I've very much felt that way since I came out (more to myself than others) over the last year. It is so weird b/c the rest of me (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually) is all on the same page really. But the relationship aspect is totally behind in so many ways... I do very much feel like a middle schooler. And it bothers me a lot."

Ok...I've got a new saying - "the more different we think we are the more we realise we are just like everyone else" ... these forums become more and more like reading my mind every day!

At the age of 33 when I accepted that I was gay, all I kept thinking was hell what do I do now...I know nothing...I don't know how to act, how to feel, how to have a male/male relationship (wonder whether I ever will get that right!!!!)...I kept saying to people that I feel like a 13 year old. All my hetro experiences (not like there was 1000's) count for nothing. I'm starting again.

My life otherwise - financially, workwise, I guess physically (never gonna be happy there) - everywhere else I've got under some sort of control. This side of me...its all new...

I guessing thats what you mean?????

 

[Kulindahr]

I've had what I'll call an oscillating whore phase. When I first came out, it felt like all the horniness of all those repressed years had burst out at once, and I was overwhelmed -- sometimes in dismaying ways, like when a hot guy at a bar dragged me out to dance with him, and then a bit later started grinding his crotch against mine; I had to literally flee, I was so awash in sensations and emotions that I didn't know how to even label, let alone deal with... I couldn't think, was off-balance, my eyes wouldn't even focus, so I went into a stall in the restroom and just shook. I was feeling so out of control, out of my depth and comprehension, that when I got invited to a night at a bath house I agreed... and after about the fifth guy I spent some time with, had to back off because all the feelings and indoctrination of sex being evil, especially sex with other guys, was crushing in on my mind to where I wasn't thinking, just reacting. For the next few weeks I didn't want anything to do with sex, but then I dove in again -- though compared to middle school kids I know, my sex life was sparse, for me it was still a whore phase, because I was hunting (if I'd actually connected with all the hook-ups I agreed to, I'd have been averaging more than a partner a night, but that's another story). Then after a while I felt evil again...
For me the whore phase was likely a good thing. For the first time in my life I can actually have moments where I am confident that it's okay to be sexual, even if I'm not "normal", and though fewer, moments when I appreciate having a body, with all its urges and sensations. That's a HUGE step forward.
As for relationships, I'm still in the middle school phase. Due to things in my past, I never really had a social life, so I'm still totally inept at meeting people and connecting. Of course that isn't helped by the fact that the guys with little experience are younger, and the guys my age aren't interested in someone with no experience. The loneliness that is causing is tilting me back toward a whore phase; as someone posted, there are times when you just need a warm body to hold... but then, frequently, one thing leads to another.

 

[SpankThePony]

Wow that's just freaky.....
I was just pondering over how I started off being shy and withdrawn and very self contained.
Then all of a suden I start trying to work up the courage to get out there and involved, and then in a relativly short periode of time I had rather a few encounters of diffrent kinds with a number of people that seemed rather out of character for me, and now I'm back to being slightly more withdrawn but still rather open.
I guess It's a matter of finding the balance.
as people may have been holding back to much, when they finaly let go, they really go for it in a big way and make up for some of lost time before finding the comfortable balance.
The Whore Phase could just be overcompensation for a long periode of self denial and represhion.

There is probably also benafit in going from little to no experiance to having a lot.
I know I felt worried as hell about my compleat lack of knowledge and ability.
It is difficult to enter into a relationship when you do not know if you can please a partner in any way at all.
Having a veriaty of partners none of whom are long term allowes you to explore possabilitys and develope a confidance and a familiarity with situations that would otherwise have been compleatly unknown to you, and become more relaxed as well as learning what you are able to do.

It's probably also benaficial to know that just because one relationship doesn't last doesn't meen it's the end of the world and there will never be another.

 

[halubtsi]

Wow...I guess I'm the only dissenting voice in this case. When I'm fliriting or dancing with a good looking guy, I now understand what my str8 friends felt in high school when they'd dance/flirt with a good looking girl. But I can honestly say that I have no worries about my sexual abilities. Funny, considering, I have no experience in that area whatsoever. But, again, I think it has to do with your outlook. If you feel that a relationship needs to have a sexual component, then of course you're going to worry about your sexual prowess. Then again, since I rarely worry about anything, it may just be a personality trait.

As for the disconnect between my work, social, financial experiences, etc. vs. my relationship experience...I really don't notice or even mind it. I don't even feel that my lack of experience would be particularly detrimental to any prospective relationship. I figure that I'm not the only gay guy who feels this way, or has the same outlook on life. If I am...well then I guess it's the priesthood for me.

 

[jockboy01]

Let me clarify my "middle school" level a bit.... if I can. Basically, in all other aspects of my life, I feel like I'm equal with my peers... we're all on the same level with the same comfort level in those aspects.

But with relationships, I still get really nervous and don't know exactly what to say around a guy I like. Very much like a middle schooler. It is really annoying and I try and pretend that it isn't the case. It works from an external appearance perspective. But most people I know my age really are comfortable talking with somebody they like... at least if they're faking, they're really good at it. Not sure if this makes sense.

And then of course there the is the whole touch issue. I really like to feel the human touch and touch others... not inappropriately, just being in contact. I feel like most people went through this a long time ago... like high school. And that "adults" don't really have this problem anymore; they still like human contact, but don't feel starved of it. This could just be me as I grew up in a very hands off household where hugs weren't even given very often.

As to the sexual abilities/experience issue... I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like halubtsi and am an oe thinking that a true relationship it wouldn't matter (which ultimately, I really believe). But there are times where my insecurities surface for sure and think that somehow practice makes perfect... but these times are less and less as I get older luckily.

So tallguy, like you said, the rest of life is kind of under "control" (my life is never under control, but that's a different story). But relationships and such are all new to me. Like my first real date may happen this weekend, and I don't know anything about how to act.... I mean, I do, but I don't. LOL, like a middle schooler.

 

[jockboy01]

haha, thanks kennyworth. LOL

 

[Riverrick]

What you are saying makes perfect sense to me, Jockboy.

You'll find that the dating discomfort can recur in life. After I was in a fairly long relationship and broke up, I was again a newbie to the dating scene. I was kind of lost despite having all of that relationship experience. So, you're not alone out there.

The dating part is definitely harder than the relationship part, because realtionships seems to come more naturally. And you have a lot of experience in relating to people that you can draw from.

But more importantly.........We want to know about this possible date!!!

 

[tallguy297]

yeah Jockboy....got you loud and clear. Sure you're not reading my mind????

My household was a strong family unit but like yours was very hands off and affection was almost never shown. I think that you probably yearn for what you didnt get - i know i do - so the touchy feely thing in private i get. The greatest night of my life was spent just spooning with a guy that meant a lot to me knowing that there was nothing more going to happen. It was better than the best sex I've ever had because i got to value those moments knowing nothing more was expected...

I think in a true relationship you accept and value the whole package - insecurities and lack of experience or even the other extreme...but mate...again I get what you are saying. It feels like if you dont whore yourself around and get a world full of experience you may not be able to maintain a relationship or be able to satisfy a partner.

But really the whoring phase - I really cant see that it helps you love, respect and trust. Those abilities or attributes are pretty much built in it seems to me - and if those things help you have a relationship and find happiness..who care how may bloody partners you've had????