the whore phase

[bacchus]

with relationships, I still get really nervous and don't know exactly what to say around a guy I like. Very much like a middle schooler.

it really makes me...well, not glad per se, but at least happy to know that there are other guys who admit to going through the same things such as this

personally, i've only been in 1 "real" relationship...and that lasted only 3 months, with someone who wasn't willing to commit as much as i was, or to at least try with one another after a certain point. could it have been the fact that i've already gone through my "whore" phase (having come out at 15), whereas he (extremely recently at 22) had only just admitted to being bisexual, and then to being gay a few months before we started dating?

it does ring of truth to say that most gay men, at least, feel that liberation when they come out, and go through a sort of whore phase in their lives...just makes life more complicated than it already is when no one goes through the same phases at the same time as you!

can i just say that it sucks to just want to find someone and settle down, while everyone your age just wants to date or fuck?

 

[bacchus]

The greatest night of my life was spent just spooning with a guy that meant a lot to me knowing that there was nothing more going to happen. It was better than the best sex I've ever had because i got to value those moments knowing nothing more was expected...

thank you! the deepest and most restful nights of my life were spent wrapped in the arms of a man i love. that was all that was needed, and it was more than enough

 

[halubtsi]

How interesting...It's ridiculously late as I post this, but I just got back from school...Anyway, I wasn't from a hands-off family. I hugged my mom and dad every night before I went to bed...and that was even when I was in my undergrad. We're a very affectionate family, so hugs and kisses were never in short supply. I give hugs and kisses to my friends...even at work. So, this could be the reason I don't feel a burning desire for human touch. Last year, when I was hundreds of kilometres away from my closer/closest friends and family, I was longing for a hug....but settled for these kind: Strangely enough, those did it for me.

And I never really thought about how to act on a date. I always figured I'd act the same way I normally did. As for other people our age that feel comfortable talking to the ones they like, I don't think they're really all that comfortable. They put on a bold face, but I think they're much more nervous than they let on. And as for your date this weekend...you already do know how to act.

 

[recuerdeme]

For this I like you jockboy...

 

[jimminychricket]

I think of it more of a state of mind. For my response, slut and whore were synonymous, though I realize that they do have distinctive differences.

By inactive, I don't mean I'm willingly inactive. I just happen to be as a consequence of everything.

So I imagine if I were a little more confident and a little more attractive, I'd porbably be acting on lust all over the place. I'm just not getting any.

As for middle school-phase, I refer tot he fact that many adolescents experience the awkward time period of puberty, discovering attraction and only mellow out later (one would hope). However, for a lot of gay guys who are newly awakened to their attractions, they may not have ever gone through that phase or may have felt it and repressed it and failed to act on it. Sow hen they finally accept their sexuality, they have to go through a delayed 'second puberty', confusion and awkwardness included.

That may not be the case with everyone, but it certainly was the case for me and several of my friends.

This is what i have recently gone through in the past months. For a while in the past I was trying to understand my feminine side. I have my attractions of men and want to touch and be sexually and emotionally with another guy. But I also want to be feminine, but without being any kind of steriotype? I'm not sure if that's possible? But, whatever...

 

[jockboy01]

Glad to see other people get nervous too. It seems so weird to me b/c really, I never get nervous around people and I have quite a bit of self confidence. But this guy that I might have a date with makes me nervous... and I can't even say why exactly.

We want to know about this possible date!!

haha, okay... well, the key word is possible. He's this guy at work that we each know that the other is gay even though we've never told each other. And have been flirting with eyes a lot in the rare cases that we see each other. I wanted to hang out with him last night for halloween but he was going to LA and I had to work this morning so I couldn't. But he said he would be around this weekend and we should hang out. We'll see if it happens. On the one hand, I should go to LA this weekend b/c that's always a good time. But after traveling a lot recently, a weekend at home sounds nice and peaceful. And if he and hung out, it would be awesome. The question is, who should do the calling... him or me? It is easy in the hetero world b/c the guy traditionally has the burden... but how does that work here in the gay world? Whatever, I'll play it by ear probably as I'm good at it.

ok, back on point...

But really the whoring phase - I really cant see that it helps you love, respect and trust.

Totally agree with you hear. That is what I ultimately fall back on.

Sorry about the boy Bacchus.... but don't let it make you bitter. There are guys your age out there that want more than a quick fuck. But I do think you have to go through the dating portion b4 skipping to the settling down. And that has its benefits too.

Interesting Halubtsi that you had such a family and didn't feel the desire for human touch. For me, hugging was something that I didn't really do until I was 20. Nobody in my family did... and still doesn't. At first it was very awkward b/c I liked it but it was new. Over time, I just liked it. So maybe the whole touching thing has to do more with how you were raised than when you come out. I don't know. As to knowing how to act on a date... true, kind of. But I doubt it will be as comfortable as hanging out with a friend... but I can act like it is for sure.

For this I like you jockboy...

Para que? Pero gracias, y te recordare siempre!

 

[bacchus]

There are guys your age out there that want more than a quick fuck.

if you know of guys my age that want more than a fuck, then feel free to let me know where they are!

but as i've said to friends before- the dating portion of a relationship seems to be, lately, just an excuse to go out and fuck as many people as possible, and lead as many people on as you can before finally deciding to let someone down. is this from experience? not so much, but i see it happening around me, to straight or gay friends, and thats all they get is many dates. they never truly stay in a relationship with anyone for more than maybe 10 dates, before moving onto someone else, if they even last that long.

again i say, it could be because my 'whore' phase has already passed, but thats how it seems to me. no one seems willing to commit, or even bother to try for a little while and see how things go. it seems totally random and wrong to me.

and of course it could just be because i think i found someone i might be 'in love' with, as opposed to just someone i 'love'...and maybe i'm disappointed that its not working between us the way i want it to


sorry if that wasn't really on topic

 

[RicanDAB]

Yes I went through a whore phase and I was fine with it.

Ditto ... what else is there to say? We all move on ...

 

[luminum]

Yeah, I still hope to find guys my age who want to be in relationships and not just to be in one, but because they're out there looking for the one they want to be with.

Nothingis more annoying to me than people who date just to be in short-term relationships. What's the point?!

 

[Kulindahr]

At this point I'd settle for the dates -- I can't seem to find anyone I feel comfortable with willing to even do that.
But I'm not in any mood to go back to the whore phase; I felt out of control too much.

 

[jockboy01]

Careful what you wish for Kulindahr.... haha. No, I like the date thing, but it is confusing at times still.

 

[drhladnjak]

I'm in the position that at the age of 25, I haven't had any sexual experiences. AT ALL. And it's driving me nuts, as I'm horny as hell!! But I do feel that I only would wanna have sex with someone I trust, and can feel vulnerable with. So, one part of me wants to be a bit of a whore, and play catch-up. But another part of me, the committed, emotional side, doesn't want a quick, meaningless encounter.

This rings very true for me!!!

Exactly. This is how I feel. You said it better than I did.

Sorry for the late reply, but I was out of town all last week...

I most definitely could have written your response above 2 years ago right after I'd come out, so I totally understand where you're coming from here.

At first, I told myself I would wait for a boyfriend, but eventually that morphed into somebody who was nice that I could trust. Eventually, things just happened to fall into place with a friend of a friend who was visiting from out of town. We had a good time even though I was nervous and inexperienced. Eventually, I even heard back through the common friend that he thought I was good in bed The right guy may just appear out of nowhere at the right time and you have to be ready to pursue it. For me, it was hard to do because of my inexperience, but I persevered and things worked out.

Sure, it was a one night thing, but it wasn't meaningless. We had sex, but cuddled the rest of the night and had some friendly conversation before and afterwards. The two of us still talk occasionally, although not so much since he lives in San Francisco. It's a mistake to build up this false dichotomy that either there's deep, meaningful, loving sex with the person you'll spend the rest of your life OR anonymous sex that just gets you off somewhere in a dark alley with a guy you'll never see again. There's a lot in between that can still be very satsifying and healthy. The key is finding the range in there that works for you.

I'm not saying you should go out and pick some guy up at a bar or bathhouse tonight and just get it over with (although there are plenty of guys who will give you that advice). However, just be careful of setting your standards unrealistically. If you say you'll only have sex with a guy you're in love with, it doesn't mean things will work out well. It most likely means you'll find some guy you're gaga over, have sex with him (which may be a let down because you've built it up to be more than it can ever be), then get really hurt when it turns out he didn't feel the same way as you.

Having expectations that can be met realistically or exceeded if you're lucky is important. Be choosy about who you're with (because you are worth it!). Find a guy who you trust and can be somewhat comfortable with. Find a guy who you find physically (and maybe even intellectually) attractive who's a good person. From what I've seen, explicitly looking for a boyfriend can be a recipe for disaster. It's more about looking for guys you get along with while being open to a boyfriend coming along. If the right sexual situation presents itself, you'll know and you'll be comfortable enough to pursue it.

 

[jockboy01]

Nice post drhladnjak! I'm not saying it has to be with the one I'll spend the rest of my life with. But it has to be with somebody who at that time is committed to me and isn't going to go out the next night and the night before to sleep with somebody else. Just a committed relationship... it wouldn't have to last, but at the time, yes, I think it is important that we care "that way" exclusively. Not sure if this makes sense... but it does in my head. I don't expect my first relationship to last forever... it might, it might not.... only time can answer that and so I don't worry about it.

 

[drhladnjak]

Jockboy, I just wanted to say that I think that's a perfectly reasonable standard to have. Like I said above (or hope I said above), when the situation arrives you'll know it's right. Just keep putting yourself out there in the mean time.

 

[Riverrick]

Sounds like you have a lot going on GreenButton. Easily enough for your own thread about it, which isn't a bad idea.

A lot of us found ourselves inadequate at dating because we started so late and so secretly. I think that feeliing is really common.

And it can't be any fun to be so jealous of your room mate's bf. Jealousy is a complicated feeling - fear, anger, hurt. Do you know what you are feeling? Good luck.

 

[drhladnjak]

To all you sexually frustrated and inexperienced guys out there... It's ok. You're not alone and there have been LOTS of gay men before you in the same exact place. Some guys come crashing out of the closet after years of secret sex with men, but I doubt that's the norm. It's frustrating but nothing to be ashamed of. Keep putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and things will work out in time. It'll be awkward at times, but I have every reason to believe all of you are smart guys who will figure this stuff out with a minimal number of misteps.

 

[Kulindahr]

To all you sexually frustrated and inexperienced guys out there... It's ok. You're not alone and there have been LOTS of gay men before you in the same exact place. Some guys come crashing out of the closet after years of secret sex with men, but I doubt that's the norm. It's frustrating but nothing to be ashamed of. Keep putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and things will work out in time. It'll be awkward at times, but I have every reason to believe all of you are smart guys who will figure this stuff out with a minimal number of misteps.

Heck, coming out to myself put me outside my comfort zone! In the town where I'm stuck, one slip could get me a new hole in my side, courtesy of a knife or something. And after years of staying with the celibate-till-married thing....
So I oscillate in and out of a whore phase, when I can find work that will allow me to get to a city where there are actually gays out in public and not terrified.

 

[jockboy01]

Congratulations greenbuttonsurfer!!! Was this your first time to a gay bar? And I assume this means that your foot is better. haha. Glad you had fun. Just make sure you play safe.

And yeah, JUB is an excellent resource with great people for the most part.

 

[jockboy01]

Glad you had a great time!! And yes, I remember feeling like it was silly that I was so scared for so long. But you're on your way now.

 

[dkonfrost]

of course i was safe.. the foot is healing, still hurts every now and then. i think it might have made an attractive conversation piece, i cant really remember...
twas my first time in a proper gay bar/club, ive never had that much fun! what on earth was i so scared of?! silly boy...

hooooray!!! i'm so glad to hear that you had a great time at the bar!