The worst opening lines to a novel

[kallipolis]

This is a trivia, and humour orientated thread, not meant to be taken seriously.

Apparently there is a competition for the worst opening lines to a novel, with a variety of categories to satisfy most tastes:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2011.htm

Romance:

She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn't have been matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban supermarket.

or, in the Sci fi category:

[FONT=&quot]Morgan ‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta. [/FONT]

 

[ChickenGuy]

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth....

 

[kallipolis]

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth....

The prose is fine, even if the premise is contrary to your beliefs.

 

[HoodedRat]

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth....

Closely followed by ...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

 

[gsdx]

The authors of both examples you quoted need to go back to grade school and learn simple, basic grammar.

 

[ChickenGuy]

The prose is fine, even if the premise is contrary to your beliefs.

This is a trivia, and humour orientated thread, not meant to be taken seriously.

 

[kallipolis]

I am always polite with posters who are polite posters; even those who introduce scriptural quotes to make some sort of obscure point.

 

[kallipolis]

The authors of both examples you quoted need to go back to grade school and learn simple, basic grammar.

That is why the thread has been titled the worst opening lines to a novel.

 

[kallipolis]

Closely followed by ...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

I have always associated you with serious contributions, knowing that the Book of John is your favourite nightly read, I am pleased to confirm that such prose is always appreciated by me.

Thanks, for your uplifting contribution to this thread.

 

[Ram]

They have competitions too for "bad written sex" in novels.

 

[kallipolis]

They have competitions too for "bad written sex" in novels.

Badly written sex............ is a welcome release for many who cannot afford to pay for porn, or rent boys.

 

[gsdx]

The authors of both examples you quoted need to go back to grade school and learn simple, basic grammar.

That is why the thread has been titled the worst opening lines to a novel.

I'm reminded of a small poem by one of the best poets of the last century: Piet Hein, the inventor of 'Grooks'. (I'm doing this from memory. I forget the title.)

Why do bad writers win the fight?
Why do good writers die in need?
Because the writers who can't write
Are read by readers who can't read.

 

[kallipolis]

I'm reminded of a small poem by one of the best poets of the last century: Piet Hein, the inventor of 'Grooks'. (I'm doing this from memory. I forget the title.)

Why do bad writers win the fight?
Why do good writers die in need?
Because the writers who can't write
Are read by readers who can't read.

That's why the thread is called the worst opening lines to a novel.

There are those who buy this rubbish in the belief that it is sufficiently mind boggling to justify their expenditure, and reading time.

 

[HoodedRat]

I have always associated you with serious contributions,

In which case, you Sir, are a fool.

...knowing that the Book of John is your favourite nightly read, ...

Wrong.

I'm strictly an Old Testament kind of a guy. In keeping with my old fashioned, pre-monotheist, point of view; I simply adore the multiple terms for the split-personality 'God(s)' depicted therein.

Anyway, 'Bereshith' (first word of the Hebrew bit of the Bible) is probably the best start to any tale ... indeed, many Qabalists (Cabbalists, Kabbalists, whatever ... choose your spelling and thus define your pejudice) might say that it is the only Word needed to define the totality of existence.

Thanks, for your uplifting contribution to this thread.

Anytime.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

Just to clarify, the Bulwer-Lytton contest is one where competitors write badly on purpose. That's why they cram as much crap in one sentence as they possibly can.

The Guardian's Bad Sex Award goes to actual novels, usually by famous writers, with awkward sex scenes. Which we should do a thread on, because they're really hilarious.

PS Last year's winner was Rowan Somerville, and here's a sample:

The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.

 

[BearBoi]

Reads no worse than your typical vanity press trash.

Now they submit it for awards, too.

LOLz

 

[Centexfarmer]

^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^^

PFFT!

The worst opening lines to a novel?

The DEDICATION page!

I dedicate this novel to the love of my life(,) my children, and my wife.

Well?

If they weren't your children and your wife then WHO was the love of your life???

The dedication page is MORE mysterious than the fucking novel.

It's really about the punctuation, and not the page inserts isn't it?

 

[kallipolis]

^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^^

PFFT!

The worst opening lines to a novel?

The DEDICATION page!

I dedicate this novel to the love of my life(,) my children, and my wife.

Well?

If they weren't your children and your wife then WHO was the love of your life???

The dedication page is MORE mysterious than the fucking novel.

It's really about the punctuation, and not the page inserts isn't it?

It's the abominable writing as well as the punctuation.

As one of the posters has reminded us the awful writing is a deliberate attempt to write badly in order to win a prize for the worst opening lines to a novel.

 

[ronboy]

"It was a dark and stormy night....."

 

[Centexfarmer]

It's the abominable writing as well as the punctuation.

As one of the posters has reminded us the awful writing is a deliberate attempt to write badly in order to win a prize for the worst opening lines to a novel.

In Other Words (IOW = text speak) if there weren't bad opening lines, then we wouldn't know when to stop reading???