There's this guy... He's out, I'm not

[jamesshady]

Hi guys, I thought you guys might give some advice about my situation...

I met this guy online, at first just as friends. I told him the minute we met that I wasn't out (I consider myself bi), nor was I interested in a relationship with a guy, and neither of these were going to change any time soon. We met up, talked and hung out, and ended up kissing the first night (but nothing else).

We started talking more and more and I could tell there was mutual interest, but I kept repeating that I wasn't out, didn't plan on being out any time soon, nor was I interested in a relationship with a guy because of it.

We went out a couple times (a "date", if you want to call it that) and I do like this guy, and he likes me too. When we're out I prefer to keep a "safe" distance, but he likes to by flirty and test me by brushing his hand against mine or rubbing his foot against my leg and things like that. It makes me kind of uncomfortable, which he says is cute...

We've since fooled around a lot more and done pretty much everything but anal sex (he says he only does that with boyfriends). I can tell I like him as more than just a quick hookup because I still want to be with him even after I cum... One time we fell asleep in his bed, with him in my arms, and I have to say it was a wonderful feeling to wake up with him the next morning.

Here's my problem: He's out and I'm not, and I'm tired of having to live 2 separate lives, and having to disappear from one in order to satisfy the other. I can't even count how many times I've "gone out" in the middle of the night (I live with parents) or told my friends that "I'm busy tonight" just to see this guy. And I've flaked on him so many more times also because I couldn't get away from family or friends. I'm getting tired of lying to friends and family, and tired of putting him on the back burner, so to speak, because it's not fair for him either.

I actually stopped returning his calls for a while because he was calling me everyday, and I was freaking out because it was clear that he was interested in being more than friends. I have to admit that part of me wanted the same thing as well, but another part told me that I could never be 100% committed to a relationship with him. When I finally contacted him again I could tell he was incredibly hurt (even though this was over IM) and what was surprising to me was that I was incredibly hurt as well... He felt used and forgotten, and I felt so bad for leading him on and sending mixed messages. On one hand I was saying that I didn't want to be in a relationship, on the other hand I was whispering sweet nothings into his ear, calling him on my breaks, telling him I missed him, not to mention the hot sex, hahaha

We eventually made up after I reaffirmed that I was not looking for a relationship, and never would be, and that he was okay with that. Thing is, we're going down the same path again and acting more and more like a couple. He and I are not seeing anyone else, nor does it seem like we have interest in anyone else but each other. Every time we hang out we end up making out (or more) and the more-than-physical attraction is painfully obvious. However, I want to deal with this before we invest too much into each other and end up being hurt all over again.

Here's my question. Do I:

1) Keep seeing him, but keep telling ourselves that we're "not interested in a relationship" (even though it's pretty clear we're pretty much lying to ourselves). This means I'll keep lying to my friends and family, be paranoid about my cellphone calls/texts (no one else knows about him), and flaking on him if I can't get away. It also means being happy when I'm with him, being able to comfortably be myself when we're alone, and having someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.

or

2) Nip it in the bud and stopping seeing him while it's early so we can each move on. I don't think we can ever be strictly friends, as there is clearly mutual attraction that would get in the way. This means I can stop being paranoid that someone will see us out in public together, or that someone will find my "tracks" on my cellphone. It also means I can stop playing with his emotions, and let him have a chance to meet a guy he deserves who can and will be his boyfriend.


What would you do?

Thanks in advance for all the comments you guys have to offer.





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P.S. I know at least one person will reply that the solution to this is to come out of the closet, but that is definitely not an option right now, so please don't reply if that is all you have to offer. You might think I'm an asshole/weak/pussy for it, but that is simply how I feel right now. Maybe one day I might change my mind, but until that day it's a personal issue I'll deal with on my own time, but not for a guy who I've known for only a couple months.

 

[robdrake]

option B. Let him move on. The way we see it is you are torturing both you yourself and him.

Might as well end it once and for all.

 

[rareboy]

We eventually made up after I reaffirmed that I was not looking for a relationship, and never would be, and that he was okay with that.

He must be either hopeful or a masochist.

I have no idea why you are tying your life up in knots the way you are, but it is just nasty to do the same to him.

Is it possible you two really, really love one another?

 

[sb]

if you aren't going to be honest with people and come out you should let him go because you don't deserve him.

 

[tallguy297]

Ah guys... jamesshady has come here to ask a question and seek advice... not to be condemned because hes unsure of the best way to handle the situation. By all means offer your advice and you opinions, but please do it in a non abusive or insensitive way... this is a safe zone remember.


And for my 2 cents jamesshady, there's only one real solution to your problem. And thats honesty.

Theres really no point in dealing in absolutes or trying to make this black and white mate... its rarely ever this way when it comes to peoples emotions.

You have no choice but to talk to your guy... and do it with an honesty and openness that leaves no room for doubts as to your concerns and position. And together you will work out how to deal with this situation... to either continue with boundaries or to walk away.

But its a decision you both need to make so that neither of you is hurt or wronged. And its the only way to ensure you both understand each other... and your reasoning. Because mate neither of you started this to be hurt or shunned. So if ending it is the answer it needs to be done in the same way... with respect.

 

[G-Lexington]

You've already stated that Option 3 (coming out) isn't viable. That leaves two options. Of the two, Option 2 is obviously the smart and correct move. The wording of your post even indicates that you're well aware it's the smart and correct move.

But if it's clear to you, why the post? Presumably to bolster your belief. To reaffirm that you're about to do the right thing.

At least, I hope that's why you posted. Because there's another possibility. That you're looking for somebody, anybody, to tell you that there's no problem, at least on your end. That he's the one with the problem since you've already made it clear that you're not looking for anything more than a good fuck. And hot sex is hot sex, after all, and you'd be a fool to give it up, especially considering your closeted status.

In that event, well, somebody's bound to say it, so let's just pretend I did.

Is it the right choice? No.
Is it the smart choice? No.
But it's the one that results in the most sex.

Lex

 

[muscleboy82000]

I am going to be blunt and tell you to grow a set of balls and make a decision about what you want in your life. You have found a guy that loves you and puts up with your shit and you can't make the choice of him or going to hide under the bed. It is not fair to him to lead him on like you are. If you are not ready for a relationship, tell him the truth and GO HOME. Let him go find someone that will love him and treat him like he should be.

You can be in the closet at home and still have a bf. Lots of guys do. If you are scared, I understand but be a man and don't treat someone that cares for you like shit

 

[momp57]

As Tallguy said, you must communicate. Continuing this relationship as-is would not be fair to the other guy.

 

[Lube]

You have no choice but to talk to your guy... and do it with an honesty and openness that leaves no room for doubts as to your concerns and position. And together you will work out how to deal with this situation... to either continue with boundaries or to walk away.

But its a decision you both need to make so that neither of you is hurt or wronged. And its the only way to ensure you both understand each other... and your reasoning. Because mate neither of you started this to be hurt or shunned. So if ending it is the answer it needs to be done in the same way... with respect.

That may be the answer to the posed question, but is it the answer to the underlying problem?

The underlying problem is this:

You (JamesShady, not TallGuy) are human and weak--as are all of us. We may say we want one thing, and protest to the hills that it's true ("I don't want a relationship!", "I don't want to come out!"), but we are weak human beings and when we're around other human beings--touching them and kissing them and whatnot--our weaknesses show. And we have sex that we know we shouldn't have if we don't want to come out and we don't want a relationship.

As you admitted yourself, you're lying. You obviously like the sex and you like the relationship. The problem is you're not out. So you lie to him. You lie to your family & friends.

And you lie to yourself.

Is that a solution?

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Is there a way to make your friendship with him be a non-issue. Is he masculine enough that you can introduce him to your parents and friends as a friend or is he a dead give-away.

Just wondering if maybe people wouldn't ask and he wouldn't blurt it out, you could start to integrate him into your life with your friendships and family without "coming out".

Just a thought.

 

[Lube]

Is there a way to make your friendship with him be a non-issue. Is he masculine enough that you can introduce him to your parents and friends as a friend or is he a dead give-away.

Just wondering if maybe people wouldn't ask and he wouldn't blurt it out, you could start to integrate him into your life with your friendships and family without "coming out".

Just a thought.

I can't even count how many times I've "gone out" in the middle of the night (I live with parents) or told my friends that "I'm busy tonight" just to see this guy.

If friends & family haven't figured it out already (and they probably have), taking his "friend" out in public will surely cement it in their minds.