They don't believe me...

[backseatboy]

I came out about a month and a half ago to my friends and the people at my college. Everything was great. No one gave me any problems, no one looked at me any differently, and I didn't loose any friends. I was so happy to be at ease with myself.

To my frustration, I found out that none of my friends actually believe that I'm gay. They really don't. And the girl that I hang out with all the time (we are always together) is telling her friends that we are actually dating. She really thinks I have real feelings for her that I don't realize. And my guy friends always want to know if I danced with any girls at the parties, or if I like "so-and-so-female". "Are you really gay?" multiple times AND girls are still trying to date me. Do I need to wear a sign?! Now I feel like I need to lie..now that I see how people just shut down my homosexuality. The more and more I correct people, the more weird and distant they become.

I don't know what to do, and it really bothers me that people actually want to question who "I" really am. Granted I am a black male, 6 ft 200lbs, and in no way feminine. At first glance you might actually think I'm straight. But if I tell you that I love men, what else is there to question? What hurt the most is probably when this guy I really liked, who was gay, acted like I was joking.

I just hurts that coming out wasn't enough. you know? I just don't know where to go from here. I can understand where flamboyancy comes from. I just want people to see me as the person I see myself to be. But they don't.

 

[G-Lexington]

I found a design I liked so much that I made a T-shirt out of it. (Sadly, I don't have the design anymore - damn computer crashes.) It features a yelling lion in a business suit and the words

YOUR MISCONCEPTIONS ARE NOT MY PROBLEM

I put it on a shirt because it cuts to the point at hand. Their misconceptions are NOT your problem. If they want to think you're actually straight, fine - you can't force them to believe it. Just continue being honest, and continue being yourself. Either they'll come around, or they won't. Just remember - not your problem.



Lex

 

[Eagle653]

How strange. As if coming out weren't difficult and awkward enough, not to be believed makes it doubly so.

Your friends, for whatever reason, are not respecting you and that's the first issue. Once you tell them this, they are duty-bound to believe you. They may not accept it, they may not like it, and they may not want to associate with you anymore. But, to outright disbelieve it and then pretend what you said was not true (comments about dating, etc.) is rude and bizarre.

To those you care about, I'd sit them down and say "I'm not kidding. I'm gay, and the fact that you're not accepting that fact hurts me and offends me. What's up with you?"

This is not something someone normally kids about.

Backseatboy--what do you think is really going on with them?

 

[backseatboy]

I do not really know what is going on with them. I was in the closet my Freshmen year. I guess it just seems that unlikely... Im also in the south so being gay isnt so accepted. I am also the only minority gay student at my college. I will work on not letting their misconceptions worry me. I just want to be accepted, and the only place i feel accepted is at a gay club... Just a crappy feeling.

 

[G-Lexington]

It IS odd. I mean, it's one thing for your friends to say "You're joking, right?" when you tell them. For them to continue saying that...

Just keep being true to yourself. If you're asked, "Did you dance with any girls?" say "No, they don't interest me." If they ask, "What do you think about Mary?", say "She's nice. I like her. Too bad she's female." Don't feel the need to bring it up at every opportunity - just whenever you feel they're putting the "straight pressure" on. Presumably, they'll catch on.

Lex

 

[jajwhite]

I had a similar thing when I came out. It was 1990 and in a really rural part of England where sex and sexuality were never discussed. I was 18 when I met a self-confessed gay person. But then again, in Devon I was about 16 before I met a black guy, so it's very backwards in some ways. Thank God for London!

At college, a couple of people would come over to me and in a quiet corner would tell me that it was ok, that "it's ok, you can tell me the truth now, you aren't gay are you - you went out with *whoever* last year". This went on for about three months, and I think some of the girls were intrigued and wanted to work me out because I seemed to get more attention after coming out than before.

I just barefaced it and said sorry, I'm gay for real. Then I started delivering the gay newspapers and leaflets and condoms and stuff to the local bars as a way to get some gay friends and meet gay people, and my circle of friends just naturally altered. Some fell away, some stayed the same, and some even got stronger as they liked me for being honest.

Of course then my best mate, who was going out with another friend of mine seduced me. I had had a crush on him for 4 years so when we got drunk one night and he stripped and begged me for a blow job, it was hard to say no. That made things weird for me and all my friends, some of whom were keeping this huge secret!

It may take a while, but they'll get there, and if they don't want to, you've learned something valuable about how these people really are. If possible, perhaps you're better off changing the company you go around with? There are always gay guys outside the gay bars, it's just a question of finding them.

 

[CoolBlue71]

I came out about a month and a half ago to my friends and the people at my college. Everything was great. No one gave me any problems, no one looked at me any differently, and I didn't loose any friends. I was so happy to be at ease with myself.

To my frustration, I found out that none of my friends actually believe that I'm gay. They really don't. And the girl that I hang out with all the time (we are always together) is telling her friends that we are actually dating. She really thinks I have real feelings for her that I don't realize. And my guy friends always want to know if I danced with any girls at the parties, or if I like "so-and-so-female". "Are you really gay?" multiple times AND girls are still trying to date me. Do I need to wear a sign?! Now I feel like I need to lie..now that I see how people just shut down my homosexuality. The more and more I correct people, the more weird and distant they become.

I don't know what to do, and it really bothers me that people actually want to question who "I" really am. Granted I am a black male, 6 ft 200lbs, and in no way feminine. At first glance you might actually think I'm straight. But if I tell you that I love men, what else is there to question? What hurt the most is probably when this guy I really liked, who was gay, acted like I was joking.

I just hurts that coming out wasn't enough. you know? I just don't know where to go from here. I can understand where flamboyancy comes from. I just want people to see me as the person I see myself to be. But they don't.

Here's what I suggest: Handle…yourself; let others deal with…themselves. You can look at it this way: "I have informed people that, matter of fact, I am gay. However they handle it I cannot control. In the meantime, I'll keep going forward with my life." Let some time pass, and people will stop frivolously thinking you were, oh, whatever they would say.