Things spiraling out of control...

[ShavedBare87]

I'm in a world of crap right now and I'm hoping some of you guys can shed some light on my situation.

Everything in life was going alright for me up until a few days ago.

A girl friend of mine from high school got in touch with me on facebook. Now, she wasn't a "girlfriend" just a girl who was a friend, nothing more. She messaged me and asked how life was going after high school. After chatting for a while, she asked if I wanted to meet up. I said yes, thinking that it would just be a get together.

Well she had other plans. When we met up she immediately started talking to me about how she had feelings for me in high school and asking me if I was single. I couldn't lie to her. I said yes I was single but the thing is, nobody, except you guys on JUB, knows that I am bisexual.

Now I should clarify what I mean when I say I'm bisexual. I do find women attractive. But I find men WAY more attractive and I'm more interested in pursuing a relationship with a guy rather than a girl. I've had relationships with both women and men and I find men to be, I don't know, more interesting.

Anyway, I froze up instantly. I didn't know what to say. She's a really cute girl but I'm just not interested. Finally after a lot of stammering and trying to find the right words to say, I just blurted out that I was gay. I said it so loud I think I came out to the whole restaurant we were at.

Needless to say, that was pretty much the end of that meeting. She said she was happy for me but I think I hurt her feelings in the long run. I was so embarrassed after that, I got the check immediately and paid for it. She kept saying that she was happy for me but I just wanted to go home and be alone.

Well a few hours after that, I got on facebook and she had posted on my wall about how I shouldn't feel bad about being gay. My mom, sister and brother are friends of mine on facebook too. Not to mention all of my other close friends.

This girl has inadvertently outed me to my family and friends! It's not her fault, I should have told her that I wasn't "out" to anyone and in fact she was the first to know.

But now everyone that is close to me is obviously asking if I'm gay.

What do I do?! Obviously I can't lie to them. I can give them the whole "I'm bisexual" thing but then I have to explain myself further.

And everything was so good a few days ago.

 

[swerve]

My advice would be to just get it over with and say -- Yes, I'm gay, and that wasn't the way I had planned on coming out -- just leave it at that...

From what I've read in your OP -- you ARE gay -- just because you are CAPABLE of having sex with girls doesn't make you bisexual...

Best of luck...




p.s. Interesting post btw -- YIGHTZ!!!

 

[ShavedBare87]

My advice would be to just get it over with and say -- Yes, I'm gay, and that wasn't the way I had planned on coming out -- just leave it at that...

From what I've read in your OP -- you ARE gay -- just because you are CAPABLE of having sex with girls doesn't make you bisexual...

Best of luck...




p.s. Interesting post btw -- YIGHTZ!!!

Thanks. I never really knew how the definition of bisexual worked. I kind of figured that if you are attracted to both men and women that you were bisexual. I guess I am gay .

And YIGHTZ is right! I swear sometimes I'm a living rerun of "My So Called Life".

 

[onetwothreefour]

You sound like a very kind, trusting person.

If someone wrote that on my wall, I would have been super pissed and definitely questioned the person's motivation. Why is the exposition necessary? She already said what she had to say, and so did you. She could have written enjoyed the evening, good seeing you, etc.

To write "don't feel bad about being gay" is aggressive the way I am reading it. She could have PMed you. Everyone knows that sexuality is a personal subject, and most people on planet Earth know you would assess whether a person is out or not before writing something like that on their wall.

But like I said it was unnecessary exposition. It's like a bad novel where a character says, "I'm frightened on account of it's Friday the 13th and I crossed a black cat today." The quote's giving you background info (what you call exposition in literature). And it seems unnatural to me that she mentioned it on Facebook. It would be like saying, "Don't feel bad that you're unemployed" on your Facebook wall if you had confided in her that you were unemployed on your outing together.

If it's a good time for you to come out, you can do it. If not, delete the post and tell people whatever you want to.

Again, I admire your non-cynicism and trust, when you said that you hadn't specifically told her you were not out. And when you said you can't lie. But it's your life, you can lie. Society has asked you to lie all your life for its benefit, it's not unethical suddenly to lie if you want to for your benefit. You can do what you want with your personal information.

But I think someone as kind-hearted, non-cynical, unassuming, and trusting as you is going to end up OK no matter what you decide next.

 

[WyvernLord]

I had a straight friend of mine ask me a while back if I thought it was okay for him to claim to be gay to get a persistent girl off his back. I said I wouldn't recommend it. But the point is that it wouldn't be so outrageous of a possibly. You could make a post saying something like, "Not actually gay guys. Just trying to get a girl off my back, lol" and block her from seeing it.

You don't want to lie though. And you shouldn't. I've been more and more careless lately with hiding my sexuality, because part of me hopes that people WILL find out. Else when I do come out it will just be confirming suspicions, not dropping some bombshell.

If you feel ready, I'd say go for it.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Personally, I think if you really didn't want people to find out from facebook, you would've deleted it right away.

You've gotten good advice. It's out there, you can't un-ring a bell. If someone asks, be honest... it's OK to say that you didn't plan on it happening that way.

I don't think the girl had any alterior motives when putting it on facebook. I was at work once, and I told a coworker, and she told someone else. I was friends with this co-worker outside of the office too, but my stance was to not make it a "big announcement" in the office. If someone asked if I was dating someone, I would've said yes and explained from there. But she didn't know that. Quite frankly, it wasn't her responsibilty to know that.

But take that as a constructive piece from here on out- it's OK (and really it's only relevant) when you're first coming out that you ask people to respect it as something you are working with. As you have conversations with people and tell them, they'll understand why you want to do this on your own terms. Then, you'll hit a point when you really don't give a crap if people know.

I think one thing the up and coming generation will have to struggle with is coming out when there are so many social media platforms out there. One thing that separates us from the generation before us was that we didn't have to come out to everyone we went to grade school, high school, college with, worked with at two previous jobs, you extended relatives, your brothers/sister's friends, and the list goes on. I remember when I first came out and I started going through my friends list thinking "So, if someone says something, and this person from 4th Grade clicks on my profile, then they'll know... oh, and they are mutual friends with someone I knew in high school... small world.... ok..." Just a random thought that came to mind since it's rather prevelant in your case.

But the hardest part is over! People know, the sun will still rise tomorrow, your parents will still go to work, the debt deal still won't be done.... the world will still turn.

 

[OneGayDude]

You can't change the past. Just go forward and seek out those that will support you. I hope you find that your friends and family will be there for you. Good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

There are worse ways of coming out, however, if you are not ready, simply explain it by saying it's sour grapes on her part.

I wish I could take out billboard ads advising people not to confess their interest to another person. These things end badly because had the other person been interested it would be obvious.

 

[ShavedBare87]

Thanks for everyone's support. You guys really know how to make someone feel the love!

I thought I would update you guys and tell you how things are going.

I came out to my brother this afternoon. It was really hard but in the end I felt good about doing it. I came out to my brother first because he's the more down to earth, relaxed one of the family. He just kind of shrugged his shoulders and said okay.

He told me that I shouldn't make a big deal about it and that I shouldn't feel pressured to come out because of what happened. Which by the way, after I told him what had happened, he couldn't stop laughing. He says I need to write a screenplay now. He also said that he'll keep it under his hat until I choose to come out to the rest of the family but he's proud that I'm taking the first step.

Anyway that was pretty much it. I felt strange afterwards, like maybe I had messed up. But I slowly realized, yes, the world does keep turning. I'm now finding it a lot easier to identify myself as a gay man and I'm even more proud of it because someone close to me is proud of it too.

I want to thank you all again for your support. Hugs and kisses to everyone!

 

[OneGayDude]

Glad to hear things are going well. Having relatives or close friends that know should make the process go more smoothly going forward. It's hard keeping secrets, and having no one to open up to. Good luck in your journey.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, the girl was being a bitch.

But you got over it. I gotta tell you the first person i ever told I was gay was this girl in college who was stalking me. I thought I could pass it off as just getting her off my back, she did the exact same thing. Outed me as publicly as possible and ran around telling people I led HER on. Bitch.

But anyway, after the closet panic subsided, I figured out just how useful rumor is for saving you all those little conversations.

 

[dale_nx26]

nevermind. suggestion already suggested (about post deletion)

 

[ShavedBare87]

Yeah, the girl was being a bitch.

But you got over it. I gotta tell you the first person i ever told I was gay was this girl in college who was stalking me. I thought I could pass it off as just getting her off my back, she did the exact same thing. Outed me as publicly as possible and ran around telling people I led HER on. Bitch.

But anyway, after the closet panic subsided, I figured out just how useful rumor is for saving you all those little conversations.

To be fair she had no idea that I wasn't out to anyone. I should have told her that but I was so embarrassed about everything that I didn't think about it. In her defense she wasn't trying to hurt me. Accidents happen.

I've actually thanked her recently for providing the route for me to finally come out.