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Thinking about opening relationship

jetsonboy

jetsonboy

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Hi guys. I have been in a sex-less loving relationship for 7 years now (it did not start that way; we had awesome sex for the first two years, then he lost all interest in intimacy for a yet unexplained reason). This had led me to stray elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, and for the past couple of months I have been seeing this person who I am really crazy about who is in an open relationship. I feel I should open up to my longtime partner because I want the freedom and because I feel it is the right thing to do for everyone, and would like your thoughts on the subject. The person I am seeing has been open with me and has told me that he does not get involved romantically or attached to any one partner, so the idea of ending our mutual long-term relationships is not on the table. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
 
Well seems complicated but honesty is always the best policy. I agree that you should tellthe person of 7 years that you've been seeing someone. It seems like they might suspect such since they are the ones who stoped the intamacy.
 
I don't know. I'd like to think if the sex went out my relationship, I'd at least find out the reason before looking elsewhere. But I guess that's neither here nor there at this point. Technically, an open relationship is one where both partners decide to allow sex outside the relationship. You've already begun this - what you're really looking for is his stamp of approval so you don't have to sneak around.

What do you think his reaction might be? If he's upset and wants to break it off, would you? If he agreed to reintroduce sex to the relationship? Or do you want to keep having sex with this other guy no matter what?

Lex
 
Great questions and I appreciate your input! I love my partner and do not wish to hurt him, even though he has caused pain by rejecting me sexually (even if there is some psychological factor that prevents him, because I know he cares about me). Now to answer your questions: I have confronted him many times about our problem and he acnkowledges there is one, but the conversations are so emotionally upsetting that we end up letting go of the subject. He did tell me once when I asked him whether I should open the relationship that he doesn't know how he would react to the idea of me having sex with someone else, but did not offer any solutions. To answer your first question: yes, I think he would be upset because he would feel like a failure, but I would not want to break up this relationship because we are good companions and need each other. If he agreed to reintroduce sex into the relationship, at this point I would not be interested. I have fallen for my other friend and do not want to stop what we have going. I am in pain because I really do not wish to hurt my partner's feelings. Please continue with your probing and input because this is helping me deal with this situation, and thank you so much!
 
Let's see: your partner rejected you sexually. Now, you have taken a lover on the side and are rejecting your partner, sexually. Yet, you want to stay together because you "need" each other. When you try to discuss things with him, it gets emotional and you have to stop. But you don't want sex with him anymore, so what is the point?

You aren't "thinking" of opening the relationship, you have already done so and in the process, you have probably ended it. Perhaps you only want to stay with the partner because the lover is not interesting in a relationship other than sex with you?

Are you sure you know what love is?

Sounds like a real mature relationship. Not.
 
To be honest here...

You are already cheating on your bf.... if you don't tell him that than you're lying to him... and yourself.....not only that but you have fallen for someone who is in a relationship already.... I personally think you have already done enough damage.... the fact that you don't want to give up either makes you kinda selfish...plus the fact that you are going around and doing things behind you're boyfriends back has already shown that your level of feelings for your current bf aren't what they once were.....

If I were you I would be honest with your current boyfriend and instead of opening the relationship... I would do the honourable thing and dump him...

You said yourself he isn't willing to talk about the problem he has...which makes him seem like he has pushed you away and caused you to stray...

Now the issue is you have someone whom you will only ever be able to have sex with and not a relationship with because that person is already in a relationship and you still want to hold on to the one that has crumbled away from you...

Be a MAN, be honest and let go....
 
Relationships can survive without sex. But it's tough to keep one going without an open exchange. At least, the relationship suffers something fierce. It kind of sounds like you have the type of relationship wher e you "don't talk about things". In which case, you may as well continue as you're doing now. Stay with Guy X for love/companionship, go to Guy Y for sex. Guy X probably knows what's going on. If he asks, you're going to Guy Y's house. If he asks what you do over there, just say "Stuff I don't do over here."

That said, I'm not sure this is going to be a pleasant ride.

Lex
 
I don't understand how you can spend 5 years and not at least know why. Stop the "i dont want to hurt his feelings" and figure out what the fuck is going on!
 
sixthson said:
Let's see: your partner rejected you sexually. Now, you have taken a lover on the side and are rejecting your partner, sexually. Yet, you want to stay together because you "need" each other. When you try to discuss things with him, it gets emotional and you have to stop. But you don't want sex with him anymore, so what is the point?

You aren't "thinking" of opening the relationship, you have already done so and in the process, you have probably ended it. Perhaps you only want to stay with the partner because the lover is not interesting in a relationship other than sex with you?

Are you sure you know what love is?

Sounds like a real mature relationship. Not.
Click to expand...

First of all, I did not start this thread hoping to be addressed this way; I thought I'd receive more understanding from my fellow Jubbers, especially those who may be more experienced and wise in situations like these than you seem to be. I did not take a lover on the side; I welcomed someone in my life with whom I share more than just sex, who also enjoys having sex with me and providing me what my partner of seven years is unable to provide, and who actually interests me in terms of a relationship; he just happens to also be partnered and committed. I am willing to accept this new relationship at this level. It so happens that I have so enjoyed this relationship thus far that now I do not wish to engage in sex with my longtime partner, even though I still love him and care about him. And please, don't insult me by putting in doubt my capacity for real love; I gave the best 10 years of my life to someone before my current 7-year old relationship hoping it would be the last and hoped my current one would be as well. I was not the one who started this situation in the first place.
 
>>>I am willing to accept this new relationship at this level.

Well, of course YOU are. You're getting love and companionship from one guy, and amazing sex from another. The question is whether both the other guys are.

Say your partner says he doesn't want you to see this other guy. What will you say? "Sorry - I'm gonna keep seeing him for sex, even if you say you'll have sex with me now. The sex is too good. And you don't have the right to say I can't"?

Say your sexfriend decides he wants more sex than you're having now. Or he decides he wants to break it off with HIS partner and hook up with you.

Say your sexfriend decides he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. Do you go looking for another one?

There's a LOT of maybes out there to be addressed. I'm not saying they can't be handled, but you'd best be prepared to handle them.

Lex
 
The way I see it, you want an open relationship with your current partner. Let him know this, and if he doesn't accept it, then the relationship may have to end. It's something similar to "Lesbian Bed Death," in which lesbians stay partnered even after they stop having sex with each other. However, I don't think they take lovers on the side, but I'm not sure about that. BTW, I see nothing wrong with open relationships, as long as both parties are in agreement about it, but I do see a problem when one agrees to it and the other does not.
 
jetsonboy said:
He did tell me once when I asked him whether I should open the relationship that he doesn't know how he would react to the idea of me having sex with someone else, but did not offer any solutions.
Click to expand...

Something else is wrong in your relationship other than no sex. Only you two know what it is...
 
jetsonboy said:
First of all, I did not start this thread hoping to be addressed this way; I thought I'd receive more understanding from my fellow Jubbers, especially those who may be more experienced and wise in situations like these than you seem to be. I did not take a lover on the side; I welcomed someone in my life with whom I share more than just sex, who also enjoys having sex with me and providing me what my partner of seven years is unable to provide, and who actually interests me in terms of a relationship; he just happens to also be partnered and committed. I am willing to accept this new relationship at this level. It so happens that I have so enjoyed this relationship thus far that now I do not wish to engage in sex with my longtime partner, even though I still love him and care about him. And please, don't insult me by putting in doubt my capacity for real love; I gave the best 10 years of my life to someone before my current 7-year old relationship hoping it would be the last and hoped my current one would be as well. I was not the one who started this situation in the first place.
Click to expand...

No, you don't want understanding, you want others to tell you to go for it and that everything you are doing is right. Well, I don't support you and I told you so. There will no doubt be those coming along who will give you the answers you want. Cherry pick those, if that makes you happy.

Does the partner of this lover of yours know all about you?
I think the only reason you don't leave your current "committed" relationship is because the lover doesn't want anything from you but sex.

We are not the ones to which you should be asking serious questions...you should be asking yourself and be honest enough to admit you want something more than what you have now.

BTW, I am very experienced in love, but not in cheating. You are a cheat.

Try being a man and be honest (first of all) with yourself, then your partner. Tell him what you have told us: you love having sex with another man and are no longer interested in having sex with him, even if he should deal with his own issues. Let him decide if he will accept life on your terms.
 
As Dan Savage put it: If your partner can't satisfy your needs reasonably, then he/she has an obligation to let you seek those needs (safely) elsewhere.
 
sixthson said:
No, you don't want understanding, you want others to tell you to go for it and that everything you are doing is right. Well, I don't support you and I told you so. There will no doubt be those coming along who will give you the answers you want. Cherry pick those, if that makes you happy.

Does the partner of this lover of yours know all about you?
I think the only reason you don't leave your current "committed" relationship is because the lover doesn't want anything from you but sex.

We are not the ones to which you should be asking serious questions...you should be asking yourself and be honest enough to admit you want something more than what you have now.

BTW, I am very experienced in love, but not in cheating. You are a cheat.

Try being a man and be honest (first of all) with yourself, then your partner. Tell him what you have told us: you love having sex with another man and are no longer interested in having sex with him, even if he should deal with his own issues. Let him decide if he will accept life on your terms.
Click to expand...

Here, my original post with some highlighted items relating to your replies: "Hi guys. I have been in a sex-less loving relationship for 7 years now (it did not start that way; we had awesome sex for the first two years, then he lost all interest in intimacy for a yet unexplained reason). This had led me to stray elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, and for the past couple of months I have been seeing this person who I am really crazy about who is in an open relationship. I feel I should open up to my longtime partner because I want the freedom and because I feel it is the right thing to do for everyone, and would like your thoughts on the subject. The person I am seeing has been open with me and has told me that he does not get involved romantically or attached to any one partner, so the idea of ending our mutual long-term relationships is not on the table. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!"

Sixthson, you seem very defensive and angry at me, when I am actually in pain because my relationship of 7 years is in trouble that I did not start. I am no cheat; I come to these forums, as many of us do, looking for understanding and some support, not your insults! Your posts may actually scare others from availing themselves from any support or advice other members of this community, you excluded, have to offer. Thank you for nothing!
 
Maybe if you only want those who agree with you to post in your threads, you should state that up front. When you ask for other's thoughts, that is just what you will get.
I didn't think I was insulting at all, but I was frank with you. I'm not going to give you a pat on the back when I think you need a kiss in the ass, instead.
If you were hurt, I'm sorry, that was not my intention. I just believe you are wrong in what you are doing, especially to your partner. He deserves to know that your relationship is lacking. So is communication, apparently.

You don't seriously believe, do you, that this lover you have taken comes with any long term commitment? If HIS partner and he are not exclusive, what makes you think he will give that to you? You already sound like you are having emotional feelings for him. You are setting yourself up for misery. He will find others to play with and you will be left to suffer. Bank on it.

Anyway, good luck. I see only more pain for you if you continue to handle things the way you have.
 
You've essentially been cheating, there are no other words to describe the situation you describe with this other guy.

If and when you tell your partner about this, I think it unlikely that he will find this understandable/acceptable behavior on your part, but if he DOES - wow, more power to you and him.

You stated earlier "I did not start this thread hoping to be addressed this way; I thought I'd receive more understanding from my fellow Jubbers, especially those who may be more experienced and wise in situations like these than you seem to be." Remember that you are on JUB, and you can't throw something out there like this and expect everyone to sugarcoat their posts and throw wreaths of sympathy flowers at you. As you can see, there are varying degrees of opinions here and you have to take the good with the bad. That is one thing I have learned in almost one year on here.

You have to decide in the long run, what is going to make you happiest. If continuing this arragement is it, then that is your business. However, continuing it without letting your partner know about it is in my mind [-X ... accept the consequences and go forward.
 
To me, it sounds like you do not have a partner but a best friend. I think that a relationship that had no sex is a friendship. As a woman, whose best friend is a man, we tell each other everything we hug, we kiss, we hold hands but he is NOT my partner. We do not have sex. But in many ways he is closer to me than my ex ever was.

I think you need to look at your relationship before compicating it with all this other stuff. Do I think you and your partner (for lack of a better word) will still have the same realtionship (best friends) while you move on? That is up to the two of you. If he is your friend it will survive.

Mac
 
I have so been where you are. But once an open relationship is considered it's pretty much over. I had a bf who also refused me sex in the past.I so feel your pain. Sex is not a huge part of a relationship but it can cause a huge problem when someone straight out refuses and won't fix it. I have done what you are doing but now you feel something for this other guy. Once you involved feelings for someone else than you need to move on. Your bf caused this problem but you will devastate him with this news. You can't be together if you love this other guy. You two are only roommates and friends right now. I understand how you need him and want him in your life but you really are at a dead end. Like I said, I am so with you and totally get this. I did this. But you CAN live without your long term bf and you CAN start over with real passion. I wish you luck.
 
It sounds to me like you're already falling for this new guy and that your current partner seems to just be your best friend. I doubt you're going to be able to have both in the way you want (best friend as partner and new guy as boyfriend), at least not for very long. I'd say it's time to move on from your current partner if he's not meeting your needs.

If it was just sex I'd probably give different advice but when you say that you're "crazy" for this new guy, it sounds like there's more of an emotional connection. Granted, he may or may not be able to provide everything you want in the long term, but either way it's still a sign that your current partner is no longer working for you.
 
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