I really don't want to. it's the last thing I want but i'm starting to see it as my only way out. I thought about it before but would always talk myself out of it promising myself that things would get better only for them to get worse. It feels like my life is one disappointment after another. Every opportunity for happiness leads to nothing. It just seems like I'm never meant to be happy. I've been abused and neglected my entire life. I've never had any close friendships or even a boyfriend. I've never even been kissed. People tell me all the time how nice and attractive I am yet no one seems to want anything to do with me. I'm afraid of what i'll miss out on if I go through with it but I also feel like all I have to look forward to in my life is more pain. I just don't want to hurt anymore.
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Thinking about suicide
- Thread starter OTHFan
- Start date
Maklaar13
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I have been there too. There is always tomorrow and it may be a better day, but if you do something stupid then you may never know what could have been. Nobody's life is perfect! We need you in our world because you matter to so many people, they probably do not get the chance to tell you and if you go, then how are we suppose to tell you that you make a difference in our days.
Come on, stop feeling that way and let us know that you are alright and will turn things around. I'm sure that there is someone who wish you would call them. Go outside and look at all the things that you could be doing. Put those thoughts out of your head and do something positive for yourself. I will check on you tomorrow, and you better be here! Cheers, hugs and kisses.
Come on, stop feeling that way and let us know that you are alright and will turn things around. I'm sure that there is someone who wish you would call them. Go outside and look at all the things that you could be doing. Put those thoughts out of your head and do something positive for yourself. I will check on you tomorrow, and you better be here! Cheers, hugs and kisses.
I would really like to encourage you to contact a clinical psychologist and go in for help. I was suicidal for 9 months and had to carry a suicide contract in my wallet for the entire time. Every day, I would check in with someone to check where I was emotionally. It was only through the help of a good psychologist and some really, really good drugs that I got through it. Don't give up. Life does get better!
Thank you. I'm happy you got though it. I think that would be really good for me.
bankside
JUB 10k Club
OTHFan, I think you have some good advice from some people who have also experienced suicidal thoughts. I hope I can offer you a helpful perspective from someone who has not. That is to say, intellectually I can grasp what suicide means, but emotionally my brain locks it out. I've seen rough times. Sometimes I've not had what I wanted or what I needed, in love, in life, in career, academically, family. I don't think I'm greedy in what I want out of life. It sucks when those things are all going wrong at once and a hole in one area combines with a hole in another, and another, and it starts to look bottomless and maybe hopeless.
Two things that I have no matter what is going on around me.
First is optimism.
I now have a guy in my life and have had for 15 years. I have a house and a dog and a job I don't completely hate. I have some dreams for the future. Places I'd like to see. Things I'd like to do. I have some things going for me, and I know one day for reasons out of my control it could all fall apart because nothing lasts forever. Jobs can be "restructured" into nothingness. Houses can burn down or fall into a sinkhole or get repossessed thanks to the job situation. And even if you stay with someone forever, eventually, "death does you part," so forever is a bit of an illusion. Maybe illness or finances will stop me from travelling or doing anything much. I can remember a time in my life when I had none of those things. I truly believe if all of that fell apart, I'd be optimistic about what to do next. I'd pick myself up, have a good cry, and just pick somewhere to start rebuilding.
The second thing is a mental defence against self-harm.
Like I said, intellectually I can understand what the words mean "to commit suicide." But I literally can't think that through without my brain rebelling against the idea. It's as though some corner of my mind rises up to shout the idea down before I can even fully form the thought in my mind. If my brain had subtitles, it would read something like this:
My brain actually lectures itself if the subject even comes up.
To me it is an instinct for self-preservation that is just as obvious and uncontrollable as feeling nervous on a high ladder or hungry when you haven't eaten or tired when you have to sleep.
So I have those two things, and I think they keep me safe. Even if my optimism runs low, I still have a mental defence against harming myself. I have those things not because I'm lucky, or better, or because I deserve them while others haven't earned them. I have those things only because my brain is healthy, and that's what a healthy brain usually does.
If optimism slips between your fingers no matter what you try, and if your instinct for defence against self harm is absent, or just worn out, then you may be at risk. It's not because of anything you've done or anything you've failed to be or failed to achieve. It's most likely because of a mental health issue, and you can't blame yourself for that or let anyone else judge you harshly for that. You could have had liver problems or a bad knee or diabetes. But you will need help to stabilize your mental health. You need your brain to be healthy to overcome suicidal ideas, and to overcome disappointments, and to achieve the things you want and need.
With support and time, I believe you will begin experiencing optimism and hope. If that doesn't seem realistic to you, I believe at the very least you could stop the feeling of falling into the depths of nothingness. I hope you will seek further support.
Most importantly, if you don't feel a strong instinct to protect yourself right now, do not mistake that for having "made peace" with the idea of suicide. I believe you have at least a basic functioning will for self-preservation, even if you feel worn out, because you are here asking for options, and I think that's important.
Two things that I have no matter what is going on around me.
First is optimism.
I now have a guy in my life and have had for 15 years. I have a house and a dog and a job I don't completely hate. I have some dreams for the future. Places I'd like to see. Things I'd like to do. I have some things going for me, and I know one day for reasons out of my control it could all fall apart because nothing lasts forever. Jobs can be "restructured" into nothingness. Houses can burn down or fall into a sinkhole or get repossessed thanks to the job situation. And even if you stay with someone forever, eventually, "death does you part," so forever is a bit of an illusion. Maybe illness or finances will stop me from travelling or doing anything much. I can remember a time in my life when I had none of those things. I truly believe if all of that fell apart, I'd be optimistic about what to do next. I'd pick myself up, have a good cry, and just pick somewhere to start rebuilding.
The second thing is a mental defence against self-harm.
Like I said, intellectually I can understand what the words mean "to commit suicide." But I literally can't think that through without my brain rebelling against the idea. It's as though some corner of my mind rises up to shout the idea down before I can even fully form the thought in my mind. If my brain had subtitles, it would read something like this:
My brain actually lectures itself if the subject even comes up.
To me it is an instinct for self-preservation that is just as obvious and uncontrollable as feeling nervous on a high ladder or hungry when you haven't eaten or tired when you have to sleep.
So I have those two things, and I think they keep me safe. Even if my optimism runs low, I still have a mental defence against harming myself. I have those things not because I'm lucky, or better, or because I deserve them while others haven't earned them. I have those things only because my brain is healthy, and that's what a healthy brain usually does.
If optimism slips between your fingers no matter what you try, and if your instinct for defence against self harm is absent, or just worn out, then you may be at risk. It's not because of anything you've done or anything you've failed to be or failed to achieve. It's most likely because of a mental health issue, and you can't blame yourself for that or let anyone else judge you harshly for that. You could have had liver problems or a bad knee or diabetes. But you will need help to stabilize your mental health. You need your brain to be healthy to overcome suicidal ideas, and to overcome disappointments, and to achieve the things you want and need.
With support and time, I believe you will begin experiencing optimism and hope. If that doesn't seem realistic to you, I believe at the very least you could stop the feeling of falling into the depths of nothingness. I hope you will seek further support.
Most importantly, if you don't feel a strong instinct to protect yourself right now, do not mistake that for having "made peace" with the idea of suicide. I believe you have at least a basic functioning will for self-preservation, even if you feel worn out, because you are here asking for options, and I think that's important.
Thank you so much for your words and advice that I will definitely take to heart. It really means a lot to me that all of you would take the time to help me. You showed me that there are people that care and I'm not alone. I truly appreciate that. I am going to get the help I need and try to have a more positive outlook on life.
Maklaar13
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Good to hear from you. Remember that there is always someone willing to listen and help. I shared your story with my partner and he ask if I had heard anything from you? I thought that it was sweet of him to be concern about me being worried about you. So, there you see, even people that were not involve in this thread care for you. Keep us posted on your progress and continue being positive. Cheers.
rm71182
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Yeah I recognize that feeling -- when you look ahead to the future, and run through all the different possible scenarios/permutations in your head, and they all point to the same inevitable result: the impossibility of leading a life that's anything but misery and an abject failure.
My advice, as someone who's been through suicide attempts, etc, is 1) first get help. Don't be afraid to take medication -- SSRI's saved my life. While you're waiting for them to kick in, take a benzodiazepine (klonopin, valium, etc) just to tide you over. 2) Things may not get better -- I'm still at a point where, on balance, I'd rather die than live out my life. But the medication restores logical perspective: you start to think clearly again about your family and friends, who would be *devastated* if you did anything to harm yourself (never fall into the seductive thinking that "people would be better off without you"-- it's not true.
Frankly, I don't know if my life will ever turn around, but medication makes it manageable most days. More importantly, it's got me in the frame of mind that no matter how bad things get, I won't kill myself. You never know -- one day a miracle could happen, I could find the man of my dreams, etc. It's like Pascal's wager -- staying alive is a reasonable bet. But it'll only appear that way if you can get the mental anguish under control (otherwise suicide will seem to make sense).
Find the best psychiatrist you can. I find females are better (esp if you're gay). The good ones are hard to get into see as a new patient, but they're worth the wait if you can manage.
My advice, as someone who's been through suicide attempts, etc, is 1) first get help. Don't be afraid to take medication -- SSRI's saved my life. While you're waiting for them to kick in, take a benzodiazepine (klonopin, valium, etc) just to tide you over. 2) Things may not get better -- I'm still at a point where, on balance, I'd rather die than live out my life. But the medication restores logical perspective: you start to think clearly again about your family and friends, who would be *devastated* if you did anything to harm yourself (never fall into the seductive thinking that "people would be better off without you"-- it's not true.
Frankly, I don't know if my life will ever turn around, but medication makes it manageable most days. More importantly, it's got me in the frame of mind that no matter how bad things get, I won't kill myself. You never know -- one day a miracle could happen, I could find the man of my dreams, etc. It's like Pascal's wager -- staying alive is a reasonable bet. But it'll only appear that way if you can get the mental anguish under control (otherwise suicide will seem to make sense).
Find the best psychiatrist you can. I find females are better (esp if you're gay). The good ones are hard to get into see as a new patient, but they're worth the wait if you can manage.
bankside
JUB 10k Club
Thanks for the update OTHFan.
I think it must be rough to go through the feelings you had. I'm glad you have discovered happier days. You mentioned you'd be getting some help. I think that is a smart idea even if you feel much happier and stronger this month. In fact it may be the perfect time to get support to help you look back and understand why you experienced such intense feelings. Have a chat with a doctor?
I think it must be rough to go through the feelings you had. I'm glad you have discovered happier days. You mentioned you'd be getting some help. I think that is a smart idea even if you feel much happier and stronger this month. In fact it may be the perfect time to get support to help you look back and understand why you experienced such intense feelings. Have a chat with a doctor?
That sounds good.
There are plenty of things you haven't experienced yet.
Just be patient and keep trying and be open minded to new opportunities ....