Thinking of Breaking up... Need advice

[Araigu]

Hello everybody
this has been revolving around my head for a few days now, but I think I need someone else's opinion.

I've been considering breaking up with my boyfriend, we met each other through a common friend and it started well. He's everything you'd ask for: comprehensive, sweet, caring, committed, musician but.... I have come to realize that my life has changed a lot, my priorities in life have shifted greatly. This complex process started from a discussion with my controlling, homophobic mother, and so I decided to do something about it.
Thing is that my new life plans don't include being with someone, I feel I need to take care of a lot of shit, and it's really a heavy load, and I can't carry anyone else with me at this time. But... even though I know this, I feel guilty for "leaving" him, I feel I could try harder, but at the same time I don't feel happy anymore in the relationship.
I think I should fight for him, because I know it's really hard to find someone willing to understand and care for you. Specially when you say up-front you've got some unresolved issues, people tend to run away. (and in a way I do get it, though)

What do you think? Is it ok to "dump" someone because your life plans don't seem compatible anymore, without really trying, because this may bring major trouble?
i think i'm being manic at this moment, and I'm sorry for that, but I also want to know your experience in relationships with good and lousy guys

thanks

 

[8tomtoms8]

Your post is all over the place so I can't tell whether you want to be w/ him or not. I do know if you love someone the thought of being totally away from them is terrifying. I think you should talk to him about your concerns. It does involve both of you after all. He may be willing to help you w/ some of the things you need to do. It really just depends on what type of relationship you want/ have with him. My boyfriend and I work in business together. This works for us.

 

[KaraBulut]

You don't give much information about how long you've been with your boyfriend nor how involved your relationship is.

In general, relationships are supposed to be two way partnerships. There are situations where you've been wronged that justify a unilateral decision to end the relationship. That's not the case here.

Basically, your reason is a very muddled, "I'm not happy. I need to take care of a lot of shit."

If you're going through a rough patch, you should be able to talk about it with the important people in your life, including your boyfriend. It may be that the two of you decide to separate while you work on your issues. It may be that he's supportive and is willing to stick it out while you work on your issues.

The problem in situations like this when you're going through emotional upheaval is that your judgment isn't always rational and you're prone to make some really bad decisions. You would be better off talking through this with other people before you make a decision that you'll regret- especially when it involves someone that you've described as "comprehensive, sweet, caring, committed".

 

[Seasoned]

If you'd like to provide more information please do but from what I read it seems as if your mother did some homophobic seed planting. In any case, don't allow homophobes to rule your life. I'd go to my boyfriend for support in times like these. He's your emotional support now that you're in a relationship. Stay away from the manipulation of a misinformed parent. It is possible to listen to words without letting their meaning affect you. Good luck to you.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

As usual, Seasoned gives good advice.

You say in your original posting, "This complex process started from a discussion with my controlling, homophobic mother, and so I decided to do something about it. Thing is that my new life plans don't include being with someone, I feel I need to take care of a lot of shit, and it's really a heavy load, and I can't carry anyone else with me at this time."

If he is a real boyfriend, he shouldn't be someone you have to "carry at this time." He should be a helpmate and someone to help you through your problems. It seems to me, as it does to others replying here, that your mother and her attitude are the fly in the ointment, and that she and her opinions are what you shoudn't try to carry at this time.

But tell us more and try to clarify what the issues are.

 

[Enduster]

I'm confused. What does your mother have to do with your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you planning on moving back in with her or something?

 

[Araigu]

I have been thinking, and most of all, trying to listen to myself. So, I think I already have my answer, but anyway I want to keep you posted. Thanks in advance.

Well, the plot thickens. I am an undergraduate college student, I live with my parents and I am, not surprisingly, financially dependent to them. My mother is very homophobic and we've had some discussions about the topic. I have realized I can't change her mindset, I can only take care of myself, and my own security, be it emotional and physical. This is what I refer to when I say that my priorities in life have changed. I have decided to become independent, as soon as possible, but I need to deal with a myriad of little things before that happens, because I want to do it the right way. (Having a better job that can actually pay the bills, leaving home with peace of mind, etc)
I haven't come out of the closet at home, and I know that if I do this, it will jeopardize my security and maybe this will force me out of my home. This has made me realize that I can't pretend to have a nice, low-profile, controlled (a.k.a closeted) lifestyle AND have a boyfriend, they're simply incompatible, not to mention it's unfair for both my boyfriend AND me. I mean, right now I need to hide, lie about and deny a part of my life, and having a boyfriend while being trapped here is like juggling with fire.
So, having all this in mind, I feel the best would be to break up, because hard times are ahead, and I don't wanna get him mixed with my issues. Anyway I think I will let him know what's going on, he's got the right to choose.
Now, when I say I can't carry him, it's somewhat metaphorical, all these times of changes make me see myself as grabbing a backpack, where I'll put all the things that are truly mine, what I need and what I want, so I can get out and start my own life, and at this moment I feel I won't be able to take my boyfriend with me to my new life. It's like I wanna walk this road alone...
Hence, I know what i want, but I feel bad about leaving him because my friends have told me he's been the best partner I've ever had and that I should fight for it. But... I'm not sure what to think. What do you think, guys?

 

[Enduster]

Dude stop living inside your head. And secondly, don't be asking strangers on the net what you should do about your relationship. Talk to your boyfriend first, and foremost! Let him know what you're thinking. What you're fearing. What you feel you would be asking of him. Let him be the one that decides. Let him into your world. People don't get mad as hell if you are open, honest, and completely upfront with them. Sure, they might get angry or be hurt momentarily, but they will understand your burden and your reasons for thinking about breaking up.

However, lying or using some b.s. excuse like, "it's not you, it's me" when breaking up out of the blue, then yes they will probably end up hating you, and rightfully so IMHO.

 

[altlover85]

I have a few questions and a comment.

I have been thinking, and most of all, trying to listen to myself. So, I think I already have my answer, but anyway I want to keep you posted. Thanks in advance.

Well, the plot thickens. I am an undergraduate college student, I live with my parents and I am, not surprisingly, financially dependent to them. My mother is very homophobic and we've had some discussions about the topic. I have realized I can't change her mindset, I can only take care of myself, and my own security, be it emotional and physical. This is what I refer to when I say that my priorities in life have changed. I have decided to become independent, as soon as possible, but I need to deal with a myriad of little things before that happens, because I want to do it the right way. (Having a better job that can actually pay the bills, leaving home with peace of mind, etc)
I haven't come out of the closet at home, and I know that if I do this, it will jeopardize my security and maybe this will force me out of my home. This has made me realize that I can't pretend to have a nice, low-profile, controlled (a.k.a closeted) lifestyle AND have a boyfriend, they're simply incompatible, not to mention it's unfair for both my boyfriend AND me. I mean, right now I need to hide, lie about and deny a part of my life, and having a boyfriend while being trapped here is like juggling with fire.
So, having all this in mind, I feel the best would be to break up, because hard times are ahead, and I don't wanna get him mixed with my issues. Anyway I think I will let him know what's going on, he's got the right to choose.

Are you planning on finishing school before you move out? How long will it be before you are finished with school?

Now, when I say I can't carry him, it's somewhat metaphorical, all these times of changes make me see myself as grabbing a backpack, where I'll put all the things that are truly mine, what I need and what I want, so I can get out and start my own life, and at this moment I feel I won't be able to take my boyfriend with me to my new life. It's like I wanna walk this road alone...
Hence, I know what i want, but I feel bad about leaving him because my friends have told me he's been the best partner I've ever had and that I should fight for it. But... I'm not sure what to think. What do you think, guys?

I'm not understanding why you think you should dump him, except perhaps to spare him pain. If I were you though, I would talk to your boyfriend and see how he feels and what he thinks he can handle, as opposed to dumping him and making that decision for him.

Good luck with things no matter what you decide.

 

[KaraBulut]

Hence, I know what i want, but I feel bad about leaving him because my friends have told me he's been the best partner I've ever had and that I should fight for it. But... I'm not sure what to think. What do you think, guys?

You should be talking this over with him.

 

[Rolyo85]

What I read here is you being either very immature, but feeling very mature about it (i.e. making important decisions, taking life in your own hands etc etc bullshit which you should not do alone and someone who cares you would and should help you with), or you aren't really into the guy and are trying to find outside reasons to dump him.

If it's the latter, stop looking, be honest with yourself and him, and just do it. Yes, it's sucky, especially when there is no specific reason for it, I've been there and done that. But being honest is always the better option.

If it's the former, then you are SO on the wrong track here. I usually advise closeted guys to come out before beginning a relationship, and out guys to stay away from closeted ones. However, you are taking steps to come out, and you want to do it smart. It's a goal that will likely happen in the next year or so. A supportive boyfriend would do everything to help you with this, including being your dirty little secret, knowing it is for a good cause and will end soon.

You do not cut people from your life if you care about them. Not unless they've done something horrible to you. So what's the deal here really?

 

[Araigu]

It seems that I was looking for a way to justify the fact that I want to end the relationship, I feel we're drifting apart and attraction has faded away, but I feel like a jerk for that. I know it's on me, but I just feel that way, I've tried to change it but I just feel less into him as time passes.
My life plans have complicated things, it will take a year and a half before I'm done with school, so it's quite risky to leave home at this moment, and it certainly has me all stressed out, so I need to think about that very carefully.
I am seeing him tomorrow, and I'll explain what's going on, where I believe my life is headed and how I feel, and I'll listen to him, he has a right to speak his mind, and from there I'll ask him that we both make a decision regarding our relationship and our future.
I am sorry for writing an endless rant about this, I just feel somewhat lost
Thanks anyway

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Alright. It sounds like you've resolved this in your mind then. Best wishes pursuing a single life to what you need to do. I hope your boyfriend takes it okay.