Thinking of changing things up..

[magicman84]

I've watched these forums for a while. I decided to post this here (someone may have seen me asking a similar question elsewhere) and see if I can get any more clarity on my situation.

I am already fairly (but not totally) certain of what I'm going to ultimately do, but I am definitely eager to hear other peoples' perspectives on this, since I haven't really had a chance to talk to many of my friends about it yet.

So, I have managed, for better or worse, to get to the age of 24 (25 next month) still being a virgin. When I saw I'm a virgin, I mean completely and totally (i.e. no oral or anything) save for two handjobs I gave (neither of which resulted in orgasm for the guy involved). I didn't necessarily think this would happen, but there you go. I guess I've been kind of a late bloomer in a lot of areas of my life; I started to come out to people at 21, didn't have my first kiss or go out on a date until I was 22, etc. I like to think of myself as a relationship guy, and I always figured that I'd have sex when I got a boyfriend. Well, more than two years of dating and lots of kissing later, that hasn't happened. I've had a lot of first dates, some of which I thought were pretty damn good; getting them to stick has been a challenge.


So a couple weeks ago, after a particularly not-very-good date, I started thinking...maybe I don't need to have a relationship to have sex. Or, at least not to start. More and more these days I feel like I have a lot of sexual tension inside of me, and no one other than my hand to express it with. Maybe, just maybe, finding someone to experiment with wouldn't be such a bad idea. I dunno. Maybe it would help me to be more in touch with myself, learn something about myself, and to get a lot of the awkward first-time stuff out of the way. I guess the way I'm sort of seeing it is if I get a bit of "practice," then when I get do find a boyfriend, when can skip straight to the good part rather than having to deal with all the humps (no pun intended) that I haven't gotten over sexually.

However (there's always a however), part of me has a few worries. I can't help but thinking, if I just do it now with someone, what did I wait all this time for? Another concern is the emotional ramifications and how I might feel afterward, but I chalk that up to fear of the unknown more than anything else.

I do have someone in mind. A friend of mine, who I sort of dated on and off and occasionally get together with, during which times we tend to end up making out and cuddling a bit. I trust him and we're attracted to each other but at the same time both realize we're not a good fit romantically. I know he wants me (sexually speaking) which is a nice ego booster and he is always making half (or sometimes less than half) joking attempts to get me into bed. Last time we hung out things got so hot I almost said "fuck it" and just went for it, but I decided then was not the time. But now I'm very seriously considering giving him a go, since I think he'd be a really good "teacher."

So yeah, I still am not sure what I'm going to do. Ideally I wanted to wait to be with a boyfriend, but I get that realistically, that may not happen anytime soon. I know there's no time by which I have to make a decision or anything like that, but this has been weighing on my mind a lot the last few days.

And now, I open it up to the floor. Any thoughts anyone has would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

The idea of getting you laid is, I think, a pretty good one.
The idea of doing it with your friend, I think, isn't.

Some people can mess around with friends without things getting "weird", and you're going to have to think about it - with the head that's attached to your neck, not your dick. Are you one? Can you have sex with your friend and then go back to just being friends? Picture fooling around with him - not once, but a few, maybe several times - and then watching him meet another guy and cut things off with you. Cool with that? Really?

Depending on where you are, it might be better to find some random guy to hook up with. There are techniques to help make sure the guy is legit, that he'll be interested in what you're interested in, and that you don't end up with a total zero. Not 100% foolproof, of course, but likely.

Lex

 

[On The Edge]

with ur friend..it all depends on what happens to the friendship after sex..if u both are confident that it will be fully no strings attached..I don't see why not ..plus it's someone u trust...

 

[rareboy]

Ask your friend to be the one to fuck you for the first time.

What are you waiting for?

You're not getting any younger or less tense.

 

[magicman84]

*bump*

Any other thoughts? I'm probably going to see my friend on Wednesday. I dunno if anything will happen or not..

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I dunno if anything will happen or not...

Stop with the "maybe something will happen" routine. Either make something happen - ask him to have sex with you - or don't.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Point to Lex there. The longer you dither the more drama you'll manufacture. Decide. Do it or wait, then act on that.

Personally, I'm not the kind of guy who has massive ties between emotion and sex. Sex is fun. I see no problem with playing around along the way. I also have a very low tolerance for needless angst, so I don't see the need to build up sex into this huge portentous thing.

Be safe, don't over commit just because a guy has sex with you, be upfront about your expectations, then have a good time.

The boyfriend thing will resolve itself if you don't pester it to death.

 

[kissthesky88]

a friend is better than a stranger. go with your friend, just as long as you feel you won't regret it.

 

[magicman84]

If anyone cares what happened...

So tonight I went over to my friend's place. He had heard about this movie that I happened to own and he asked me to bring it over so we could watch it. Now, I have to say that last night I did admit to him that I was kind of thinking of finally getting on the horse, sexually speaking, and that I was thinking of doing it with him. So we talked about it. I asked him if he'd been tested for STDs recently (he had) he asked me what I was open to doing and blah blah blah. I just said I didn't want there to be any pressure or anything and I just wanted to let whatever happens happen.

I went over there and we watched the movie. I love it (seen it a zillion times), he liked it. Afterwards we started to make out and cuddle a bit. I asked if we could take it back into the bedroom. We made out more and eventually got naked. It was fine, I felt comfortable. He ended up blowing me. It was nice and felt good and yet I kind of felt disconnected from the whole thing. Part of it I think was the fact that my dick had been feeling a bit sensitive and tender today. He alternated between sucking me and jerking me off. At one point he broke out lube for use to jerk with. I jerked him too and it was kind of hot. I ended up not blowing him, and he didn't ask. What he was doing felt nice but he wasn't able to get me off. I chalk that up to never having been touched down there by anyone else but me, and being used to the way I do it. That is one thing I'm glad that I knew before I had a boyfriend.

Anyway, eventually I had to finish myself off (which took some time because I'm not used to having an audience and because of the afformentioned tenderness), and he got off by both of us hand our hand on him pumping. We talked a bit and then he let me use his shower. I put my clothes on, we talked some more, kissed, and then I left.

Overall it was interesting and nice. I think I may have built it up a bit too much in my head. I'm not sure whether I'm going to fool around with him again or with someone else or what. Honestly at this point I feel like I really could just wait for a boyfriend now that I've done this. I don't know what I'm going to do. But the one thing is that I have no regrets. I felt really good afterward, but I don't feel like it was a super profound experience or that something about me or our friendship really changed. I'm still me, and that is kind of a relief.

 

[G-Lexington]

That's exactly how you're supposed to feel. You're not bogged down with questions or drama. If you don't want to do it again, don't, and keep the friend.

Lex

 

[Kyanimal]

O.K. We seem to be talking about two different things here ...

Most guys seem to be able to separate sex for "Sport" (Fuck Buddies), versus sex for "Love" (Boy Friends). The physical aspects are the same, but the MEANING, and Motivation, behind those are completely different.

I'm wondering how your friend might be approaching your "adventures" together.

If he is "Kewl" with "just" Playing, by all means, continue to go for as much experience as you can get! And, I must add, the "first time" is, usually, not as spectacular as might expected! However, as it's been said, "Practice make Perfect"! The "trick" (no pun intended) is to RELAX and ENJOY!! If both of you understand it's all just for "FUN", you've got an incredible Friend there! Go for ALL you can get!!

And, Yes!, the more experience you can gain will help, tremendously, for when you finally run across "Boy Friend" material!

Don't "Over Think", or analyze too much, the simple "FUN" you can have with another Guy! Definitely take advantage of any opportunities that might present themselves!

Just make sure that whoever you might be Playing with understands that it's all, simply, for "Sport"! Wouldn't want to give them the wrong impression!

When "Boy Friend" does happen to show up ... which He will! ... at least you'll have the knowledge to make him, and You, very Happy!!

Of course, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[spencer]

the 2nd experience will be better cause you know what improvements there are to be made go for it with your friend a few more times then reevaluate!

 

[slnattak]

I think you're wise to use caution. Just wait it out until you for sure want to do it with no ambivalency, and also make sure you know a lot about the guy too. At least where he lives, and please meet in a public place first. Just for your own safety. (trust me on that one)

 

[magicman84]

I think you're wise to use caution. Just wait it out until you for sure want to do it with no ambivalency, and also make sure you know a lot about the guy too. At least where he lives, and please meet in a public place first. Just for your own safety. (trust me on that one)

You're totally right about using caution. Frankly I have ZERO desire to have sex with someone I don't know that I just met online or at a bar. When I think of other people I could see myself fooling around with, it's always someone I already know well.

And while I don't know when I'll end up doing it again, I have to say that in hindsight I totally get why most people want to get it out of the way when they're relatively young. I feel like I have so much awkwardness and not-knowing-what-I'm-doing to get through now...

 

[magicman84]

O.K. We seem to be talking about two different things here ...

Most guys seem to be able to separate sex for "Sport" (Fuck Buddies), versus sex for "Love" (Boy Friends). The physical aspects are the same, but the MEANING, and Motivation, behind those are completely different.

I'm wondering how your friend might be approaching your "adventures" together.

If he is "Kewl" with "just" Playing, by all means, continue to go for as much experience as you can get! And, I must add, the "first time" is, usually, not as spectacular as might expected! However, as it's been said, "Practice make Perfect"! The "trick" (no pun intended) is to RELAX and ENJOY!! If both of you understand it's all just for "FUN", you've got an incredible Friend there! Go for ALL you can get!!

And, Yes!, the more experience you can gain will help, tremendously, for when you finally run across "Boy Friend" material!

We're both on the same page, luckily. He's really good at casual stuff like this, and I knew he wanted to do me, which are reasons that I chose him for my little (possibly ongoing) experiment. The ironic part is we went on plenty of dates back in the day (it was always casual and we were never an exclusive couple) and he always wanted us to do it but never could get any.

Interestingly enough the whole experience made it crystal clear that I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. I adore him as a person, but we're definitely not a match that way. When I first met him I used to hope we could be but I think that was more about just wanting a boyfriend in general. That was about 2 years ago when I was very new to the dating scene and while I wouldn't call myself picky (and believe me, I have friends who are so I know I'm not), I definitely have MUCH clearer ideas about what I need, want and don't want in a relationship than I did then.

 

[spencer]

jeez you waited 2 years?

put yourself out there more to increase your chances of meeting the right person. you don't have to sleep with them the first date, but you do have to go on the first date.

 

[magicman84]

jeez you waited 2 years?

put yourself out there more to increase your chances of meeting the right person. you don't have to sleep with them the first date, but you do have to go on the first date.

Well, he was never my boyfriend. I met him at a time when I was really getting out and dating different people a lot. So we went on random dates. We'd go out then a few weeks or months later it was like "wow, I haven't seen you in forever!" Then we'd go out, come back to his place and cuddle, make out, whatever. It was always casual, fun, no expectations, no strings. So I guess in the end it kind of makes sense that I ended up chosing him a sex partner, since we know where we stand with each other.

 

[rareboy]

Frankly, I think you have other issues as well.

Like sexual narcissism.

I think you really need to get out there and have some mind-blowing sex, because you sound all bottled up.

 

[magicman84]

Sexual narcissism? I'm really not sure what you mean by that at all.


And anyway, don't you have to work at sex a bit before it's mind-blowing? I'm just taking things one day at a time.

 

[spencer]

Well, he was never my boyfriend. I met him at a time when I was really getting out and dating different people a lot. So we went on random dates. We'd go out then a few weeks or months later it was like "wow, I haven't seen you in forever!" Then we'd go out, come back to his place and cuddle, make out, whatever. It was always casual, fun, no expectations, no strings. So I guess in the end it kind of makes sense that I ended up chosing him a sex partner, since we know where we stand with each other.

that's worse than I thought. You cuddled and made out and still waited for two years? why even cuddle and make out if you didn't want to be in a relationship with him at all? you alreadly knew he wasn't dating material (which means not sex material for you) and now that you've officially done more than making out, you have to repost that you confirmed that you dont' want to be with the guy? that's messed up. My point is 2 years is a long time to make a revelation that you already knew.

good thing he's into casual sex cause if he waited for you, that would have been bad.

anyway, you're doing the right thing by putting yourself out more. you gotta be pretty choosy if you've been dating people and held off for as long as you did.