This 'gay' thing is ruining my life.

[trikky]

recant

I understand where your coming from because I had some of those same thoughts and festered on them for years. Eventually I came to realise that just 3 words gay straight and bi cannot possibly describe human sexuality. If you were to put together a scale of 0 - 100% of how much of your sexual feelings were for guys, hardly anyone would be a 0 or 100. Nearly everyone would be somewhere else on the scale. As emotional creatures there are too many factors that determine our sexuality and being emotionally attached to another human being is what being human is about whatever their gender.

I used to think I didn't know anyone who was gay except "obvious guys" until I started reading on the web how to flirt with gay guys etc and realised it had been happening to me for years and I thought they were just really friendly guys, which of course they were. I remember when I used to play poker there was this cute guy that used to play at another table and whenever I folded my cards and had a couple of minutes to wait while the hand played out, I used to look up and find he was staring at me. I used to stare back for a few seconds a bit puzzled as to why he was always looking at me. He would then look away. Because he was "straight acting" it never occurred to me that he was gay and attracted to me. One day he was sat right next to me at the table and we got talking and had a real close connection. Unfortunately I was totally closeted at the time and so nothing came of it but at the time I just thought wow what a really nice guy. I only came to realise later on that he was gay and every now and then I go and play poker there just in case.

 

[trikky]

hey TX

that thing you said about grieving for your lost hetro is so true. I can really relate to that. I think that part of my denial came from knowing that certain guys who didn't like me had gossiped for years about my sexuality and because they had redneck attitudes and preconceptions about what being gay meant I think I didn't want to be gay to prove them wrong, because me being gay somehow meant that they had had kind of dominated me and made me less of a person.

 

[recant]

Been really busy lately which has been nice. It has given me time to muddle through all this a bit while not dwelling on it like I usually would. I wanted to give you guys an update since I exposed myself to you guys and you replied.

I didn't mean to sound homophobic tx-beau. What you said about liking guys means it is open to all guys makes sense. I read through some stuff in this section and tried a few things. Going through my day under the assumption that I am not 100% gay or straight but bare minimum somewhere in between helped. It sort of gave me perspective on what you said - if you like guys you like guys and any one of them could be the one for you regardless of what you previously thought.

I'm still not sold on being all for guys though and may never be. I still feel like time is the only thing that will sort it out. Honestly though I'm not really too concerned about it. I am who I am regardless of who that is.

I've never really dated seriously and have always been ok with it. I decided that I want to date - regardless of who it is. I need to work on being comfortable around people in general and letting people in first. For me this means being social on a more personal level and trying to stop analyzing every situation I'm in and just be in it. It is really hard for me to do because that is outside of my comfort zone and I've never been outside of it before.

I could be mourning my inner hetero. Not really sure, haha but whatever. One day at a time.

Without being exceptionally desperate: I want an emotional connection with somebody. I went to a lot of funerals when I was younger for people I really cared about. I felt completely abandoned and refused to feel that ever again (it worked). I was too young to properly deal with it but it has had larger impact on my life than I thought. Every time I've gotten, 'emotional,' I always feel the way I did back then and it always scares me. Until today I've felt that I only have myself because people hurt you or you love them and they die. I think I am going to suck it up and sign up for some counseling because this is clearly not 'normal.' I want to postpone until I do some trial runs to see if I can work this out myself - if not I'm off to the shrink, lol.

I guess it's funny. I don't really care that much if I'm gay or straight. I want to be happy. I opened a huge can of worms and there are some really serious issues I need to work on. I've gotten really; really good at avoiding and faking emotions; I didn't realize I was doing it anymore until I felt completely empty.

Yesterday a friend at work told me this story about his daughter and her near death experience. Usually I would que up the facial expressions and think of what to say and do all of that but instead I actually just sat there and really listened. I empathized with somebody for the first time that I can remember in a really long time and it really hit me. I don't really know how to describe it. It sort of dawned on me that bad shit happens sometimes but it makes you really appreciate what you do have.

Anyway, needless to say I'm dealing with some shit. 'How did I manage to get my head this far up my ass?'

“If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.” - The G-man

Anyway, thanks for your input. That's where I stand for now. Not really sure what's next but I am enjoying neutrality.

 

[recant]

How does one find a therapist anyway (I'm hopeful for self resolution, but I am a realist as well). Just, 'Google,' it? Go to a Dr. first? Never really thought about it before but I definitely don't know how to approach that situation.

 

[rain09]

Um find a really good friend or a person you can trust and talk to them. Bring up questions and possibly talk about how you feel. It might feel uncomfortable to deal with these kinds of issues, but in the end you will feel much more happy with yourself.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you have a doctor, you might try asking him for a recommendation. Or yeah - feel free to Google.

Lex

 

[Lube]

recant, sorry to hear about all those deaths earlier in your life. Maybe you do need someone to talk to about that, professionally.

As for Tx-beau's comments--don't be so quick to dismiss them. There's a lot of truth in what he says. Print that post and save it. Revisit it a year from now and you will be amazed. Seriously.

Many of us, myself included, have used the "I'm not interested in all guys, just this one guy" excuse to tell ourselves we're not gay.

Well, guess what? Straight guys don't think all women are pretty/desirable, do they? Of course not! So just because you aren't attracted to all men doesn't mean you're not gay.

If you're wondering about it enough to find JUB and post a comment, I'm pretty sure you're gay.

Coming out to yourself is a process. It takes time. Spend a lot of time here and read a lot of posts. You'll learn a lot. I know I did.

 

[recant]

I see more truth in tx's posts than I want to admit.

Doesn't make it any easier. I still can't let anyone in. The idea of being close to anyone scares the F* out of me

 

[Lube]

In terms of your question about gay partners being the same as married:

Well, I've had 2 bf's since coming out to myself 4 years ago. One lasted a year and a half, and I broke it off with him. Now I've been with my second bf for a year. Round about the 1-year point that we were together, we started casually referring to each other as partners.

If we keep things up for another year, I will consider him every bit as much married to me as my ex-wife of 13 years was. And I hope to stay together until "death do us part".

4 years ago I was terrified to admit to myself that I was gay.

Today, I thank my lucky stars that I came out to myself, and have never been happier.

 

[G-Lexington]

No, it probably isn't easy.
Most things that are really worth doing aren't.

Lex

 

[GreggS]

While it may seem overwhelming now, it is a natural mental process that you go through, whether you want to or not, its going to happen. Check your PM.

 

[qget12]

I see more truth in tx's posts than I want to admit.

Doesn't make it any easier. I still can't let anyone in. The idea of being close to anyone scares the F* out of me

Much like you see more truth in that post that you care to admint, I see more truths in this thread than I want to admit. Reading your posts, it feels like we have the same feelings, only you have done a much better job at expressing them than I would ever have. Reading this has made me realise the extent of my problems. I'm afraid to even smile at someone I like, and who deep down I KNOW likes me back, because I'm afraid to cross that threshold, beyond all reason I'm afraid to. It's killing me inside.

 

[trikky]

het qget12

you're where we have all been. We've all denied ourselves and stopped from crossing the threshold. The first step is about being comfortable in who you are and self acceptance of your sexuality. It does get easier. The guys on Jub will help you. Just post a thread if you want feedback about what you're going through.

 

[G-Lexington]

It may seem like we're being glib sometimes here in CO&R. "Get counseling", "talk to him", "dump him", "move out", "come out of the closet" - all phrases of five words or less that we often toss around here. But that doesn't mean they're not the best answers. In fact, the clearer the answer seems to be, the less we feel the need to embellish it.

And I can't speak for the others, but I'm aware when I type those phrases that it's a hell of a lot easier to type them than to do them. But the fact is - no matter how much advice we give, ALL of the heavy lifting is going to fall onto the OP. We can tell you to bend at the knees, and take several trips, but again, it's the OP who has to pick the damn thing up and move it.

So yeah. "Easy for us to say." It is. But that doesn't make the advice unsound. I think, in this case, it's very sound. I do think therapy is a really good idea for you. And no, it's not easy to walk in to somebody and say "I'm having issues" when you've spent your whole life bottling it up. But that doesn't mean you can't do it, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It means you need to find a way to do it.

Here's a suggestion. If you don't think you can say what's on your mind to a therapist, you don't actually have to say anything. Why not? It's all here in this thread. Print it out. Hand it to him, with "recant" circled so he knows that's you. That will get the ball rolling.

We'll be your cheering section if that's what you need. But make the call.

Lex

 

[Deandbn]

Does life get easier if you are 'out of the closet?'

Yes it most definitely does.

Another thing that has been going through my mind alot is the idea that I will never find somebody to spend the rest of my life with.

I reckon you could probably find many people you could spend your life with. It first of all depends on whether you recognize the person for their worth (or in other words 'spot' the opportunity) and secondly it depends on how much trust, honesty and work you (and your partner) are prepared to put into the relationship.

If you are 'partnered,' do you consider your relationship to be equal to a married couple? Stereotype or what ever I just feel like I don't know a single gay couple that has been together for more than a few years? Hell, I don't know a lot of gay people but the ones I do know always seem unhappy and or single.

[/QUOTE]

I have been with my partner for 24 years. We are both very happy in our relationship. You can chat further privately if you want.

 

[recant]

Thanks again for everything guys - all your insight was really helpful.

Update:

Well, I came to terms with the fact that I like men. I'm in a relationship with a great girl and the sex is good (but the whole thing isn't cuttin' it for me). I find myself looking at guys out in public even though there is still the occasional girl that catches my attention. I struggle with the idea of a long term relationship with a woman.

I am going to be ending my relationship here soon. I wanted to get my head straight before I did anything drastic. I'm not going to come out to her yet, not until I have at least one experience with a guy to confirm mental analysis. * I will not being cheating - break up will happen before I mess around with anyone else. That's just not cool

I've come a long way from my days of panic posting. I still have some hang ups on coming out just yet as I stated above but am feeling good about life. I used to get really paniced and upset after I thought about this type of stuff and now it just brings about a calmness. It's a nice change, haha.

I still have ridiculously high standards. I've always had really high standards for women and the same is true about men - I know what I like and don't like to settle for much less. No, it's not all about looks (but they defintiely do count).

So, that's the update. I'm gayer than straighter. Still clinging (occasionally) to the glimmer of straightness, perhaps I always will. Finally (after 23 years) starting to feel comfortable in my skin.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sounds like things are moving along, but I think there's a few things to point out.

>>>Well, I came to terms with the fact that I like men...I'm not going to come out to her yet, not until I have at least one experience with a guy to confirm mental analysis.

Don't get caught up in this "confirmation" (especially with your "standards" - see below). You do not need to have sex with a guy to confirm your sexuality. Think about it - at what point will you have confirmation? If you enjoy it? If you reach orgasm? If you reach more than one orgasm? If the orgasm is "better" than the ones with your girlfriend? Do you have to do oral AND anal? Top AND bottom? Have at least one hands-free orgasm as a bottom? What if the guy ends up being a dud in bed - will that prove you're really straight?

If you dig guys, assume you're gay (or bi), and move on from the analysis portion of your life.

>>>I still have ridiculously high standards. I've always had really high standards for women and the same is true about men - I know what I like and don't like to settle for much less.

Beware of this. It's very easy to get stuck in the "I have high standards" excuse of not doing anything sexually with a guy. They'll put together a lengthy checklist, and gee whiz, that last guy was close with the drop-dead good looks, CEO position, beautiful home and killer personality, but such a shame about that dandruff. You know, if only.... And since they still haven't found the right guy, they can still hold fast to their "I might still not be gay" thoughts.

This doesn't mean you have to leap into bed with the first guy who says "You wanna?" But resolve to keep your options open. Get to know some guys. And if something clicks, don't work on sabotaging it.

Lex

 

[recant]

Lex -

I hear what you are saying.

I am breaking up with the GF, it's a given. I don't want to come out yet, so, consider it an arbitrary time scale? lol. I recently started to come to terms with this myself and am not strong enough to come out just yet

I don't actually care if I sleep with a guy in the immediate future - I already know what I know - I am attracted to guys. No confirmation needed.

I learned my lesson with the high standards bit - didn't date till 23. Not worth it. At the same time, I'm not going to stick my dick into anything that walks my way. Cute (to me), strong morals, values family. I am nervous yet excited to try the whole dating thing with someone where I'm genuinely interested in them sexually - not just going through the motions, ya know? That doesn't mean just sex either. I get to have another first ! Just thinking about it gets me

I don't know if I will always cling to the glimps of straightness. I don't really see myself getting married to a woman, or having a serious long term relationship. Maybe I won't with a man either but the idea is more appealing.