This HIV stress is killing me...

[bigboi229]

I hate to run this down again, but I am really feeling bad lately. About a month ago (March 17-March 27) I had a week or so where I did some stupid sh*t & basically met with 5 guys in one week. I didn't know any of these guys aside of chatting with them online, and all of them said they were clean but you never know. We did a lot of stuff but I used protection for everything but giving oral & a bit of rimming. I wrote about this whole experience after wards on here & you all gave me a lot of good advice. It's been a month now & I've been trying to keep this off my mind: I just don't know how to anymore.

I got tested for everything including HIV the week directly following this situation. The results came back 2 weeks later saying negative on everything, but they again told me the HIV test would have to be repeated in 3-6 months & the negative really didn't mean anything since it was so soon after. The last few weeks I've been partying a lot, spending time mostly drunk to avoid the reality of thinking about this sh*t. When I'm sober I just CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING HIV. I mean I will try ANYTHING to not think about it but my mind just keeps pushing it to the forefront. It keeps popping up like "what if there was a cut in my mouth?" or "what if the reason I feel sore today is because of HIV in my blood?" or any things like that. I even re-emailed the 3 of the 5 guys I actually did oral sex on & all of them repeated that they were clean, but I'm still not convinced.

And then came today... I basically had a wild weekend (again) of partying & drank heavily on Saturday / Sunday night. I also think I did a lot of stupid stuff when I was drunk (nothing sexual) which resulted in me having sores on my legs & arms the next day. But today is Tuesday, and I feel like total s**t today for some reason. I feel hot all over, even though I'm in the air conditioning, and I keep getting cold chills on-and-off along with that. My stomach is hurting so bad I can't even explain it, and I've had bowel issues in the last day or so that are making things worse. Not to mention I have sores that I don't know if they were from drunk stupid-ness or sores from HIV in my system.

This whole day, and yesterday, I cannot stop worrying about these health problems being the result of HIV. I have tried so damn hard to not think that way but it is KILLING me to not know what the hell is going on, and I fear I'm making myself worse. It's still gonna be 2 months or more before I can get tested & an additional 2 weeks to even get that test back, and I don't know how the hell to make it through 2 more months of this. And this HIV scare is just cuasing me so much pain in my head that I've possibly ruined my entire life over a bunch of stupid hookups that weren't even worth the risk.

If this is all a coincidence, and if I am clean in 2 months, I will be SO much more cautious in the future with my actions. I just don't want my life to be certainly over in 10-15 years because of pure stupidity on my part. I am feeling so horrible right now, I just don't know what the hell to do. And I tried seeing my therapist recently but the next available appointment is in 2-3 weeks so I guess I'm screwed until then.

 

[Corny]

I think you learned your lesson.
That being said - your health troubles are most likely not HIV related. It would be just too soon for that.
Some people experience flu-like symptoms 1-2 weeks after the infection, and iirc have swollen lymph nodes. But that's about it - the sores and the soreness are more likely just a result of your drinking and partying. It weakens the body, too.
I can understand that it is a hard time now, but worrying overly about it does not help. You cannot determine whether you are infected or not without a test now, so stop seeing everything as a hint for it.

 

[KaraBulut]

I recall your thread and I also recall that where we left it was that you have a problem that you need to deal with- you are powerless over alcohol.

Until you deal with that issue, you'll feel like a hamster on a wheel- running but never really getting anywhere.

 

[bigboi229]

Why isn't anyone else responding? This is making me really nervous...I feel like I'm jumping out of my freaking skin. :-(

 

[Newbie_69]

I wish I could give my opinion. But the mods will probably delete it....*sigh*

 

[bigboi229]

Well guys, I'm still having these flu-like symptoms (which I've had since Monday) but I have been worrying on-stop about this sh*t since then, too, so it could always be from that. And looking at the now issued Swine-flu symptoms (lol) all of what I'm feeling could also match that, so I guess I can't compare my pain to that of HIV symptoms at this point. I've gotta say, though, it's not making me feel any better that I have these at all. I've felt more sick in the last month after all this then I have in the last 5 years of my life.

I am so worried over this, I've tried literally everything to not think about it, and the only way to completely avoid the thoughts is to get really, really drunk, which I don't wanna continue doing as much but it's the only thing that keeps these demons at bay. And I even still talk w/ 3 out of the 5 guys I was with (whom all SWEAR they are HIV-Negative), but I'm still worried because I very well could have had cuts or lesions in my mouth from my wisdom teeth that have been gorowing in under my gums the last 4-5 months. That also makes me very, very, very worried. I can't stop having these thoughts & I have felt so f**king sick to my stomach I haven't even been able to eat or sleep well this past few days.

I know worrying now is doing no good but thes thoughts won't leave my mind, and I don't think they ever will unless I'm found HIV-negative in July (which is when I'll have to go). And if I'm found positive I realize I could still live for some years, but it would significantly ruin my f**king life & I'm so worried that I won't even live to the age of 30 if that hppens.

I'm ranting, and I'm sorry if this all sounds crazy to you guys, but I'm not feeling well.

 

[Blueboy369]

Stop Worrying! The most healthiest person in the world can die today in a car accident, so stop thinking the worst. Live each day to the fullest.

 

[bluedragon4]

I didn't read everything you wrote but you are worried about HIV because of oral and eating ass? You didn't even have anal sex? I have been around A LOT of infected men and seen some die. I even have an ex who came up positive and I did a ton of HIV/AIDS education in college. I learned you really gotta be the bttm or a switch hitter to get infected. I knew guys who loved BB and the bttms got sick but the guys who were just tops and NEVER bttmed were fine. When I was doing AIDS education in college we were told to tell people that you can get it from oral but that really you won't. That everyone would be sick and there are no proven cases. I believe that. I think all gays do oral with no condom. You might catch something but HIV ain't one of them. Can you imagine the death toll if oral was a true risk?! And eating ass is more a Hep thing. I might get ripped apart for saying all this or guys might agree. I never know which way the wind will blow on here, lol.

 

[bigboi229]

I did have anal, but it was with using protection.

 

[opinterph]

I think … You might catch something but HIV ain't one of them.

There have been a few cases …​

Despite lower transmission risk, oral sex may be an important mode of HIV transmission due to its frequency. [CDC]

… the exact proportion of HIV infections attributable to oral sex alone is unknown, but is likely to be very small. This has led some people to believe that oral sex is completely safe. It is not. [CDC]

 

[bluedragon4]

There have been a few cases …​

Could I get hit by a car crossing the street? sure, I could. But the chances i will? Pretty nonexistent.There is always an exemption to every rule. I personally don't know anyone who got it from oral. And how do you know that the people who claim they got it from oral weren't having anal? I hate to say it but I've road tested this one. I have had a fair amount of oral in my day and one guy I didn't know has hiv, whom I was dating, came in my mouth and I had a cut on my gum. I'm sure I've had oral with plenty of guys who per pos and didn't know they were. I was pretty wild in my 20's. We would all be sick if this was really true. Like I said most everyone has oral with no rubber. Should you beat yourself up about this? Absolutely not.

 

[maxpowr9]

I hope you got the HIV test anonymously. If you didn't, there is a good chance that your health insurance will suddenly jump in premiums for engaging in "risky behavior", even if the result is negative. Yes, insurance companies can do that. Same things go for abortions.

 

[bluedragon4]

I hope you got the HIV test anonymously. If you didn't, there is a good chance that your health insurance will suddenly jump in premiums for engaging in "risky behavior", even if the result is negative. Yes, insurance companies can do that. Same things go for abortions.

Nothing is anonymous anymore. I went last year for a test and hadn't been tested in 6 years. I was in a monogamous relationship so no need. I heard about a 10 minute anonymous test and was curious. They still want your info so that if you come up pos you won't leave there and kill yourself. They check up on you now and even wanna know when your first doctor's visit is. I didn't like that at all. This test was suppose to be anonymous and that is not anonymous to me! I do understand but still.

 

[3nipples]

Why isn't anyone else responding? This is making me really nervous...I feel like I'm jumping out of my freaking skin. :-(

What exactly are you hoping to hear? That drinking yourself into a stupour is the best way of dealing with stress?

Get real!

If you honestly think there is a chance that you will test +ive once the 3 months are up, then you should be spending more of your time getting ready:

• By informing yourself what it means to live with HIV on a day to day basis. People do it; it's not the end of the world.
• By organizing an appropriate health coverage. Once you are diagnosed, no insurer is going to take you on; it'll be too late.
• By starting and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

The way you're dealing with it is for losers!

 

[MisterMajestic]

I am so worried over this, I've tried literally everything to not think about it, and the only way to completely avoid the thoughts is to get really, really drunk, which I don't wanna continue doing as much but it's the only thing that keeps these demons at bay. And I even still talk w/ 3 out of the 5 guys I was with (whom all SWEAR they are HIV-Negative), but I'm still worried because I very well could have had cuts or lesions in my mouth from my wisdom teeth that have been gorowing in under my gums the last 4-5 months. That also makes me very, very, very worried. I can't stop having these thoughts & I have felt so f**king sick to my stomach I haven't even been able to eat or sleep well this past few days.

Well...All we can do is pray for your Health & well being. You're going to worry yourself regardless of any advice anyone gives you. There's nothing we can say or do to fix that. "Worrying" is a "crutch" that you rely on...

You're going to be fine..Drink lots of water, get as much sleep as you can and if the flu-like symptoms linger on, go see your Primary Physician for antibiotics...

 

[Brer Fox]

HIV anxiety really sucks. What's worse than not being able to get over the worry of your previous encounters is the fear you feel is all your new experiences. Having sex becomes playing Russian roulette. It is a vicious cycle that makes sex triple plus unfun.

Chances are you probably don't have it, but you cannot find consistent data anywhere, so there is no way to judge. ARS and symptomatic illness are poor indicators, you just need to get a test done after the window period to know for sure. I still have not tested, the anxiety is too much, but I am going to have to as it has been a few years, and if I have to start eating pills I might as well start early.

I am extremely cynical and pessimistic about HIV/AIDS, I see it as only a matter of time before every gay man has it, or at least that is my forecast for my area, which I used to think was rather safe (being in Arkansas). The lack of any consistent data as to the risk of certain activities, due mostly to the political motivations behind HIV/AIDS funding and research, is the source of my uncertainty. I believe the impact of HIV is being downplayed and ignored for the same reasons a vaccine has not been developed. I do not believe it was created, but I would not be surprised if it was socially engineered to rip through the communities it did, and does to this day a quarter-century later. Like the CDC stated on the 25th anniversary, the fact there is not even a single viable vaccine candidate is "embarrassing."

If you stop having sex, you can ignore it, and it will go away as long as you aren't putting yourself at any more risk. I always rationalize "well, if I am safe now, and never do it again, I'll stay safe." Such thoughts are delusional, but they work. If you keep having sex, you will just worry each and every encounter. I guess just use protection and try to have a good time. And to those criticizing this guy as being an alcoholic, I see that as just a little unfair. Wishing to dull the conscious mind to retain your sanity is existential self medication, it buys you time to look for a solution. Not everyone gets out of despair, and sometimes that is the only way to squeeze some quality out of life. It is not a wise decision, but if it staves off despair, it has a function. Pot has become a medication for my life. I wish that was not so, but my mind, when not high, is a wasteland of worry, regret, and fear. It has been the only anti-depressant that has ever worked, and at least I am no longer a slave to pharmaceutical corporations.

In the world of the mind, it is not about what is real (i.e., of course alcoholism is tangibly more dangerous than having sex and contracting HIV) but what is perceived to be real (alcohol is harmless because it makes life bearable, sex is dangerous because it causes me to despair). To encourage someone to think otherwise is expecting them to rewire their own mind, which is a monumental task.

 

[bigboi229]

Well this thread was made a week ago and here I am a week later, still feeling like absolute sh*t. I have tried keeping this all off my mind but now I'm feeling so tired these last few days and every time I go to eat I feel like I'm gonna puke. I can hope and pray that it's just a normal flu but this is just not looking good IMO. I don't know what thehell to do, I've even stopped drinking for the last few days and my body is making me feel horrible regardless.

This is just horrible because I have now made contact with all of the guys that I was with that week and they ALL swear they were clean. Obviously somebody's lying because I don't feel good at all.

 

[ajal]

I was going through pretty much the exact same thing you were man. Three years ago a similar thing happened to me. I couldn't keep any food down and my weight went down to 126 pounds, which is terrible for someone who is over 6' tall. Over the course of a month I took several tests and a had bunch of doctors telling me I have HIV. Turns out it was a parasite I probably got from rimming someone.

I was with a man back in November...did oral and rimming, but no anal. A little while later I got extremely sick with the flu. I immediately thought HIV. I started getting flakey patches in my hair. I started yawning every five minutes. My nose would run every once in a while for no reason. I started losing my appetite and therefore my weight. I kept having bowel problems. After three months I finally went to a Planned Parenthood to get tested. She told me some of the primary symptoms were flu-like symptoms, tiredness, and night sweats. That night and the next three I had night sweats. I could barely stay awake on my next day off from work. I thought I had it for sure. The test came back normal. Sounds good, right? I kept having bowel problems. My skin was still flakey. I still had night sweats. I was freaking out. Last week was my six-month point. I took another test. It came back normal. All those symptoms were probably stress, except for the bowel problems. My doctor told me I may have a bacterial infection. That's the problem all of this focus on HIV...it doesn't mention all the other things that can affect a person.

 

[andysayshi]

Shigella and Giardiasis are two common bacterial infections that can be caught from rimming, and may explain your symptoms (if they aren't caused by stress and/or over-consumption of alcohol). They are easily treated with antibiotics. Go and get tested if you are concerned.

 

[anastazi]

Can you go to the doctor and get tested for ailments that commonly transmitted from rimming? That way, you will know that your symptoms are due to these illnesses and not HIV. While that won't completely put your mind at rest, I imagine knowing these symptoms are due to Shigella, etc., and not HIV, would definitely lighten your load.

Although I doubt that you have HIV (the sores you have have developed too early to be HIV-related), I have heard that studies are now under way to see if HIV can live in anal secretions you would come into contact when rimming. I am a psychiatrist and work part-time at an HIV clinic and you do not want to gamble on contracting it. Not only can it destroy you physically, it has many neuropsychological effects , including HIV related dementia... very sad illness.