Spazer181
On the Prowl
Why are you writing this?
I guess it is to help me process what I have felt about my coming out process.
Are you sure that it is not just a call for attention?
That’s an interesting question. I guess to some extent, it is. This is something I hold very close, which very few people know, what I hope is, the complete story.
Why are you writing it here?
I guess to some extent, it’s the anonymity of it. I can express myself without worrying about what people are thinking – after all, it’s just online.
When did you come out?
I came out spring semester of Freshmen year of college.
Was that really the first time?
I guess not. There had been a guy I messed around with in 8th and 9th grade. I broke it off during 9th grade out of fear. Fear of being caught.
Is that really it?
I guess I also felt a certain amount of shame about what I was doing. It was just sex. I didn’t like the person and I never liked him.
Why would you mess around with someone you didn’t like?
I wanted sex.
What happened after that?
I felt shame and was afraid. I was afraid that he would ‘out me.’ I didn’t know how my parents would take it. I wasn’t sure what it would mean to my future. I was a Boy Scout. That was probably the biggest thing I did outside of school. What would my future look like without it?
Did you ever want to come out?
There were nights I’d be laying in bed, hearing my parents talk and I would want to walk down and come out. But there was always that sense of fear lingering: what would my parents do?
So, why did you come out?
I decided I could no longer live a lie. I wanted no parts of being with a girl. I liked boys.
Why then?
I just couldn’t be alone in my secret anymore. I told them when they were driving me back to school on a Saturday night after coming home for the day. I figured that way, if things didn’t go well, at least I would be on my way back to school and I’d be okay there.
What happened?
I asked my parents to turn off the music, that I had something I wanted to talk about. I was nervous, on the point of tears. I had no idea of what to expect. I knew my parents loved me. I started off with I’ve been thinking about this and praying about this for a long time and I feel I have to tell you. I’m gay. There was silence, followed by questions. I don’t really remember what they were. I was tearing up, my parents were in shock. I’m not really sure why though, people who knew me had been asking for years. Then came the question, is there anything you need? Yes, I need to know that everything will be okay. The next words will haunt me the rest of my life. My father said, how can they be? I think my mother wanted to slug him. Then she suggested I should try ‘reparative therapy’ (i.e., gay to straight therapy). I said I’d think about it. That’s about all I remember.
Is that really it?
Yes. The next thing I can remember is being in my dorm room, trying to focus on doing chemistry and keep myself from melting down.
What about the therapy?
My mother looked for someone around school, but couldn’t find anyone – thank God this area is full of liberals. She asked me if I wanted her to continue looking, I said no. I think that is probably one of the smartest things I have ever done.
Is there any more?
About a week later, my parents came for breakfast. We had a nice breakfast. But then we had “talk.” Which was really just me listening. Really more just my father lecturing. I was told about how this wasn’t in God’s plan for me – to this day I want to know how he knows that – and that so long as I don’t act on my homosexual feelings that I’d be okay. Otherwise, I’d be going straight to hell.
What did this cause you?
I went deep into the closet. I spent the next month essentially depressed. But I did what I do, I focused on what I had to do: school.
Why did you do this?
For me, anytime things go wrong, I focus in on one thing that is either going well, or one thing that seems important. Here, it was school. I’m just glad I didn’t have access to alcohol that night – I would probably have ended up with poisoning.
What came of it?
I was seriously depressed for a while. People knew something was up, but no one knew what. I wouldn’t say, a simple I don’t want to talk about it, kept the questioners at bay.
Has anything changed?
Study abroad, two years later. I think the experience there of being fairly disconnected from my parents and being with a new group of people changed me. I had to become more outgoing, more fun. By the end of my time abroad, I essentially decided, fuck it, I want to be happy. One night, while playing never, have I ever, came the question have you had sex with a man. I drank, I had oral sex – which I considered to be sex. That came as somewhat of a surprise to the two I was playing with, but it was okay.
And then?
That was it for then, but that went well. It gave me a bit more courage.
Did you act on this courage?
Kind of, I was home over the summer – nothing. I came back to school in the fall to find that one of my flatmates is a total flamer. I actually came out to him the first time I met him. Then I started blogging on here. Had a hook up. Met my first boyfriend, now my ex-boyfriend. I’ve been slowly coming out. A lot of that chronicled in my blog.
Why did you express yourself like this?
I know it’s pretentious. There were two reasons though: first, I was writing in a stream of consciousness manner, so the questions help to clarify what is going on. Second, (à la Nathalie Sarraute Enfance), I thought I would be more honest if I wrote like this.
I guess it is to help me process what I have felt about my coming out process.
Are you sure that it is not just a call for attention?
That’s an interesting question. I guess to some extent, it is. This is something I hold very close, which very few people know, what I hope is, the complete story.
Why are you writing it here?
I guess to some extent, it’s the anonymity of it. I can express myself without worrying about what people are thinking – after all, it’s just online.
When did you come out?
I came out spring semester of Freshmen year of college.
Was that really the first time?
I guess not. There had been a guy I messed around with in 8th and 9th grade. I broke it off during 9th grade out of fear. Fear of being caught.
Is that really it?
I guess I also felt a certain amount of shame about what I was doing. It was just sex. I didn’t like the person and I never liked him.
Why would you mess around with someone you didn’t like?
I wanted sex.
What happened after that?
I felt shame and was afraid. I was afraid that he would ‘out me.’ I didn’t know how my parents would take it. I wasn’t sure what it would mean to my future. I was a Boy Scout. That was probably the biggest thing I did outside of school. What would my future look like without it?
Did you ever want to come out?
There were nights I’d be laying in bed, hearing my parents talk and I would want to walk down and come out. But there was always that sense of fear lingering: what would my parents do?
So, why did you come out?
I decided I could no longer live a lie. I wanted no parts of being with a girl. I liked boys.
Why then?
I just couldn’t be alone in my secret anymore. I told them when they were driving me back to school on a Saturday night after coming home for the day. I figured that way, if things didn’t go well, at least I would be on my way back to school and I’d be okay there.
What happened?
I asked my parents to turn off the music, that I had something I wanted to talk about. I was nervous, on the point of tears. I had no idea of what to expect. I knew my parents loved me. I started off with I’ve been thinking about this and praying about this for a long time and I feel I have to tell you. I’m gay. There was silence, followed by questions. I don’t really remember what they were. I was tearing up, my parents were in shock. I’m not really sure why though, people who knew me had been asking for years. Then came the question, is there anything you need? Yes, I need to know that everything will be okay. The next words will haunt me the rest of my life. My father said, how can they be? I think my mother wanted to slug him. Then she suggested I should try ‘reparative therapy’ (i.e., gay to straight therapy). I said I’d think about it. That’s about all I remember.
Is that really it?
Yes. The next thing I can remember is being in my dorm room, trying to focus on doing chemistry and keep myself from melting down.
What about the therapy?
My mother looked for someone around school, but couldn’t find anyone – thank God this area is full of liberals. She asked me if I wanted her to continue looking, I said no. I think that is probably one of the smartest things I have ever done.
Is there any more?
About a week later, my parents came for breakfast. We had a nice breakfast. But then we had “talk.” Which was really just me listening. Really more just my father lecturing. I was told about how this wasn’t in God’s plan for me – to this day I want to know how he knows that – and that so long as I don’t act on my homosexual feelings that I’d be okay. Otherwise, I’d be going straight to hell.
What did this cause you?
I went deep into the closet. I spent the next month essentially depressed. But I did what I do, I focused on what I had to do: school.
Why did you do this?
For me, anytime things go wrong, I focus in on one thing that is either going well, or one thing that seems important. Here, it was school. I’m just glad I didn’t have access to alcohol that night – I would probably have ended up with poisoning.
What came of it?
I was seriously depressed for a while. People knew something was up, but no one knew what. I wouldn’t say, a simple I don’t want to talk about it, kept the questioners at bay.
Has anything changed?
Study abroad, two years later. I think the experience there of being fairly disconnected from my parents and being with a new group of people changed me. I had to become more outgoing, more fun. By the end of my time abroad, I essentially decided, fuck it, I want to be happy. One night, while playing never, have I ever, came the question have you had sex with a man. I drank, I had oral sex – which I considered to be sex. That came as somewhat of a surprise to the two I was playing with, but it was okay.
And then?
That was it for then, but that went well. It gave me a bit more courage.
Did you act on this courage?
Kind of, I was home over the summer – nothing. I came back to school in the fall to find that one of my flatmates is a total flamer. I actually came out to him the first time I met him. Then I started blogging on here. Had a hook up. Met my first boyfriend, now my ex-boyfriend. I’ve been slowly coming out. A lot of that chronicled in my blog.
Why did you express yourself like this?
I know it’s pretentious. There were two reasons though: first, I was writing in a stream of consciousness manner, so the questions help to clarify what is going on. Second, (à la Nathalie Sarraute Enfance), I thought I would be more honest if I wrote like this.
I hope everything turn out ok for you 
