This Is The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

[A Living Hell]

Okay where do I start?

Right, I am 20, and I am gay. No-one knows I am gay, maybe my mum has an inkling, but nothing has been said and infrequent suggestions are made by my Dad about getting a girlfriend.

I am a virgin in ever sense of the word. Never touched another guy, kissed another guy or done anything else like that. One of the reasons for this is because I am bordering on obese (16 stone and under 6ft), the other reason is much worse though and something that I cannot believe I am about to say.

Compose myself.

Right.

My genitals are still the same size they were when I was 12.

They are fully functional, but when erect I am about 4.5 inches and have a much much smaller girth than anything I have ever seen. As a result of this, I cannot use public toilets, go swimming (not that I would as I am exceptionally self conscious about my weight despite how I may act), and only wear jeans that I cannot pull up as much as I would otherwise choose to. It also means any thought of a relationship with anyone is out.

I assumed I was just a late developer, but started wondering at 16. My voice broke at 17 pretty much later than everyone else. I have some stubble, but its still at the point where it grows about 1/2 speed and I can still shave it off with a razor with no shaving foam. (though it might get a little sore if it is a cheap razor). I have a sister who is 17 who has completed puberty (to the best of my knowledge!) and has had a boyfriend for a few months. It isn't going to happen for me is it?

Okay I have said it. What next? I am far too embarrassed to ever tell anyone in person about my problem and am wondering if this has somehow made me gay in some sense as I feel huge inadequacy.

Jes I better post now before I delete it all.

 

[Horschallen]

You are not alone.

 

[antdak]

Every is differnt, all shapes, sizes, dick size has nothing to do with you having relationship with someone. I'm seeing some deeper issues here, then just dick size or shaving with out foam!!
Your a normal human!!

 

[StlKj]

First off, it's great that you were brave enough to admit it to others--don't let the fact that this is an anonymous place fool you into thinking that you haven't done something brave. Admitting such a fear/insecurity to anyone is a good move in the right direction.

Next, I'm thinking you maybe look at porn online a little too much, especially with your line about yours being smaller than anyone else's you've ever seen. You've never been with a guy, and with yours supposedly being so small, I'm betting you never hung around naked guys in the locker room much. So, if you're comparing yourself to guys online that you've seen, you must remember that many of the guys you're seeing online were chosen for shoots because their dicks are often bigger than the average guy.

Next, four and a half inches is not a bad length at all, considering that the average size for most guys is around 5 inches. And here's some great news perhaps for you as well--many guys who are overweight are not showing at full size. The fat that builds up in that area can make it appear that the penis is smaller than it actually is. Dropping weight can create the illusion that the penis actually gets longer, but what is really happening is that what is already there is finally being exposed once the fat goes away. By losing weight, you could actually "gain" another half inch to two inches, depending upon how much weight you actually carry.

I'm wondering if maybe you're not attaching your fear and shame at most likely being gay to your penis size. It might also contribute to why you feel you're overweight--if you stay self-conscious about being fat and small-dicked, then you don't have to actually deal with ever being with a guy because you'll be too repulsed by your own body to ever try.

So, your penis is right around average size (and many guys prefer them that way), your weight loss could help in "gaining" some length, and your feelings about your body and your sexuality are the real issues you might want to work on.

And congratulations on putting your fear out there--it's an important first step towards accepting yourself.

 

[star-warrior]

I have 4.5 inches erect, and have done for a couple of decades. I'm not expecting it to grow anymore, though. I might even be on the slippery slope down now.

 

[A Living Hell]

Well I am actually not bothered about shaving or not shaving, or getting asked for ID to buy products you need to be 16 to buy! I am quite happy to look young, looking young wouldn't put me off doing anything.

Losing weight is intransically linked with my lack of self confidence in my view. Don't think I wouldn't lose weight but I have tried but perhaps lack the self will to be able to do it. The irony is I am perceived to have a great deal of self-confidence; standing up to bullies at school, showing no fear ever and perhaps even slightly arrogant, but this is a facade. It probably doesn't help that as a result of this facade I don't let anyone get close to me and don't really have any friends (lots of respect perhaps, but no-one to hang around with). I don't mind being lonely because that's the way I am, but as a result all my feelings have nowhere to go.

Well I don't really know what you would consider too much porn. I probably look for porn twice a week but my slow internet connection means I can't download anything.

There was a page on another section of the forum titled "twinks with small penises" or something like that. Well I didn't see any of them that had a smaller girth than me. It is this more than the length of my penis that makes me uncomfortable (to put it mildly).

The other point - fear and shame at being gay. Yes I would agree with that. Those moments I am cursing myself for being gay and fearing what would happen if it got out. I daresay I would feel like this even if my penis was a normal size, but I would have a lot more inner confidence if this was the case too.

 

[G-Lexington]

A couple random thoughts.

First off, when I entered college, I was eighteen and 5'4". I was the second smallest guy on the floor of my dorm. When I graduated, I was twenty-two and 6'1", and now the second TALLEST guy on the floor of my dorm. I just got the really late kick.

Secondly, yes, your dick is smaller than average. All this means is you probably won't attract too many guys (or girls) based completely and solely on your dick size. So what? I bet if you poll 100 gay couples and ask, "What originally attracted you to your partner?", you won't get many people answering, "The size of his dick." They might really like it, or just be happy with it, but very few people go out looking for a huge dick without caring what's attached to it. If you're looking at porn, and doing what most people do when they look at porn, then your dick is in working order.

So what should you do? Work on yourself. You're gonna need to start building up some self-esteem. You're not a freak, and you're not condemned to a life of celibacy (unless you so choose). Your dick may not be your best asset, so work on your other ones. Work on becoming friendlier, on meeting new people, on being an all-around nice person. This will get you more friends, and more potential boyfriends, than a couple inches added to your dick ever would.

Oh, and try not to worry about the bathroom thing. When erect, I'm above average in length and girth, but NOBODY would guess that when I'm flaccid. I'm really small when down. I've used public restrooms for several decades, and nobody's ever said anything or pointed or laughed. And if anyone ever does, there's an obvious thing to say back - "Why were you looking?"

Good luck! PM me if you want to chat more.

Lex

 

[StlKj]

So perhaps focusing on the personality issues and allowing people to actually get close to you would be a better start than worrying about something you can't change, like penis size.

If people respect you, then I'm betting there are some that even like you and would take the time to get to know you. Are you letting them? Perhaps there is even some gay guy out there who finds your seeming confidence appealing, and would love to have a shot at doing something with the very thing you're fixating on as being too small.

Your dick size isn't the problem here--your fear about it is just a symptom of the larger disease of not loving and respecting yourself on all levels. You're obviously insightful if you can look at your "confidence" with others and see it for what it is. You sound intelligent and powerful in many ways if you can stand up to bullies and command respect--how about commanding respect from yourself for a change?

 

[A Living Hell]

I find the idea that a girl or guy could find me attractive completely laughable.

I don't let people get close to me, I have a couple of friends from primary school who I haven't seen for a while (Uni kind of split me from them anyway) but other than that the only people I know are on internet forums (I love horse racing and wrestling - the latter since I was 14). I spend most of my free time frequenting racing forums and reading the form rather than interacting, and I think? I am happy with that.

While I am on the social thing (and I am a little worried about repeating what I have wrote elsewhere) its worth pointing out that I don't drink, don't smoke and don't do drugs, as none of the three have ever really interested me. I suppose in short, my life is completely boring to most people due to lack of socialising.

ps I don't command anybodys' respect I earn it over a very long period of time.

 

[Soilwork]

OK, first of all, I hang out at bera bars where there are plenty of heavy men, and not only do people not snub them, they buy them drinks. A young bear cub of 20 would be quite a popular guy there for sure.

If you're not happy with your weight, lose some of it..

and I'll tell you a secret.. for every 30 pounds of fat you lose, you gain an inch of penis.

which means that if you get to your ideal weight, you're probably about average size. And there's more guys out there who don't care about dick size than people who do.

That being said, every single man out there keeps blaming their unhappiness on something silly. You can sit at home and be unhappy or you can get out there and make those changes.

 

[backpacker]

As others have noted, 4.5" isn't small, so don't worry about that. Based on some other items you wrote, you seem to doubt that you have gone through puberty. If you truly believe this is an issue, you should schedule a physical exam. Doctors deal with concerns like these all the time, therefore just a mentioning it should be enough. The doctor should be able to reassure you if everything is alright or prescribe hormones if a problem exists. Either way it will make ease your mind.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I find the idea that a girl or guy could find me attractive completely laughable.

I don't know how "attractive" I am, or my boyfriend is, but I can say with utmost certainty that if we saw each other across the room, we wouldn't have given each other a second glance. But that doesn't matter. Because we met, got to know each other, fell in love, and now we're ATTRACTED to one another. You may never be a swimsuit model or have guys panting over you from afar, but that just put you in the same class as 99% of humanity.

Lex

 

[spreadeagle]

I have no medical expertise apart from common sense and experience, but in my view this is a medical issue and if you want to resolve it you are going to have to face seeing a doctor. At twenty there is no reason why you can't sign up with a new doctor or go and see a specialist - there is no obligation for you to remain with your family doctor. Of course this might raise questions within your family and the whole thing would be easier to do with their suport than without it.

You need to separate your apprehensions about being gay from the presenting symptoms - your obesity and your perception that your penis size is abnormal. These symptoms are sufficient cause for concern regardless of sexual orientation - so take your doubts about your sexuality out of the mix. If you can do that it might be possible to speak to your father about your concerns.

I don't want to start you barking up the wrong tree, but I think you need to find out pretty soon whether you are producing testosterone normally. If you're not, that could go some way to explaining both the overweight and the late development and could be corrected medically.

Anxiety about appearance is fairly normal at your age but you need to beware of creating an endless cycle where anxiety--> over-eating --> seclusion and depression --> over-eating etc etc.

In most instances obesity results from poor choices relating to nutrition and exercise. You can change this now if you want to. It's really important that you create new habits now, while your body is still developing. It's much easier to do this while your motivation and energy levels are higher. It's not too late.

 

[StlKj]

I find the idea that a girl or guy could find me attractive completely laughable.

I don't let people get close to me, I have a couple of friends from primary school who I haven't seen for a while (Uni kind of split me from them anyway) but other than that the only people I know are on internet forums (I love horse racing and wrestling - the latter since I was 14). I spend most of my free time frequenting racing forums and reading the form rather than interacting, and I think? I am happy with that.

While I am on the social thing (and I am a little worried about repeating what I have wrote elsewhere) its worth pointing out that I don't drink, don't smoke and don't do drugs, as none of the three have ever really interested me. I suppose in short, my life is completely boring to most people due to lack of socialising.

ps I don't command anybodys' respect I earn it over a very long period of time.

Command and demand are two separate things. Command suggests you earned it and use it wisely; demand often has nothing to do with earning.

Your social life is only as boring as you consider it to be. Why would it matter what anyone else thinks of it, unless what others think is what keeps you from feeling confident in yourself in the first place.

 

[A Living Hell]

Well going to the Gym is out of the question for obvious reasons. I walk a bit as a student but probably don't do enough exercise but don't see how I can do more exercise. And its probably not how much I eat but what I eat - fatty foods and not enough things that are healthy.

I was going to order a pizza toinght; you know I have changed my mind

It seems from most of the replies that I should seperate being gay from what other issues I have. So I am going to give it my best shot at losing weight; talking about my problems helps spell things out for me I think.

 

[Soilwork]

You'll be amazed at how many of your problems will solve themselves once you concentrate on solving one of them.

And you just go greet each day with some guts and you'll have men following you home every night.

 

[Eagle653]

As others have noted, 4.5" isn't small, so don't worry about that. Based on some other items you wrote, you seem to doubt that you have gone through puberty. If you truly believe this is an issue, you should schedule a physical exam. Doctors deal with concerns like these all the time, therefore just a mentioning it should be enough. The doctor should be able to reassure you if everything is alright or prescribe hormones if a problem exists. Either way it will make ease your mind.

I was going to say this, too, based on the fact that you think you may not have gone through puberty. And, hormone imbalance could be unlying part of the weight problem, too, perhaps. So, I think it would be good of you to go to a doctor and get thoroughly checked out. Working in partnership with a doctor on this can help you figure out what he needs to work on and what you need to work on.

Good luck--let us know how you're doing.

And, welcome to JUB! I hope that soon we can change your screenname because it won't apply to you anymore...

Take care.

 

[cellular]

Dont compare yourself to porn. When i see the porn pictures here, sometimes i think those Dicks dont belong to man. More like a donkey.
I dont see 4.5 as being a huge problem. I think thats probably the average size of guys schlongs anyone. Big and hung people aint worth more than you, most of them are exactly what their penises are, huge, unbearable, big dickheads anyway.

 

[star-warrior]

and I'll tell you a secret.. for every 30 pounds of fat you lose, you gain an inch of penis.

Up to a point, I'd say.

If I were to shed 180 pounds, I would not get a 10.5 inch dick.

 

[luminum]

Oh but wouldn't it be great if that were true...?

j/k

Like other peopel have said 4.5'' is not bad at all. I think I'm between that and 4'' and I've done it lots of times and had a relationship or two. So relax and focus on your other problems one at a time.