This "preferences" thing is ridiculous...

[BabiGayPimp]

Are you really a black man living in the real world or just another white guy trying to instigate a racial discussion in order to make light of authentic black concerns?

 

[Cognition]

^I've been experiencing some of the exact same feelings living here in racist Dallas, Texas. Unfortunately, people don't want to associate with others who don't look like themselves.

I'm having to endure just being by myself and not expecting any gay men to ever befriend me.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

Unfortunately, people don't want to associate with others who don't look like themselves.

What else is not new? They gay community is very

 

[cardshark]

Hey I just wanted to make a quick post that not all gay guys are as you described. I'm white and I've dated different races (more than my own) and am always open to new friendships regardless of race. Race is just not something I take into consideration for friendship or dating.

 

[probable]

none of what i'm about to say is very comforting, but here goes:

1) san diego has a reputation for being "small-town" (read, "bigoted") in behavior. (no offense to my small-trown friends, it's more the idea of not accepting what you're not exposed to, as opposed to being racist or hateful.)

2) some of those guys' excuses, while lame and late, did hold some validity. the grad student and co-worker, namely.

3) every black man in america runs the risk of either being ignored or exoticized. so do all other ethnic minorities. who's to say which is better?(that is, would you rather to date soemone who looked at your pic and assumed you had a huge "mandingo" cock?)

4) dating is a numbers game and rejection is a huge part of life. sadly.

5) it sounds like all of the guys you were talking about are white, or at least non-black. which is fine. might you, also, have a preference?

 

[Jory]

Aelrith here is three open invitations


1.

Gay Night At Knott's Berry Farm - May 15th, 2009



2. San Diego Comic-Con 2009


3. Vegas Baby!!!

 

[hotatlboi]

No offense but if you really contemplated suicide because of people who rejected you on an online gay profile site, I think you should seek professional counseling.

I don't suspect your situation will improve until you stop thinking of yourself in terms of others.

 

[hotatlboi]

And in a lot of those instances I wasn't looking for anything relationship-wise; rather in terms of friendship with other young LGBT people. I think a lot of people would contemplate suicide if their social circle is limited.

I would certainly hope not. I didn't have a single good friendship with any other young LGBT person in college, and I most definitely did not contemplate suicide.

I prefer the saying, "learn to love yourself, and you will never be alone".

Of course, what you have described sounds unfortunate, but whether or not you realize it, everyone is not that way. You will meet better people, your situation will improve, you have to keep a positive outlook.

I've never been to San Diego so I can't comment on the specifics of the gay community there, perhaps it is more prejudiced than most. But I refuse to believe there is no one there that will be your friend or date you just because of your race. There is some of that where I live too but I also see people posting ads all the time about how they are only interested in black guys, etc.

There are people out there who would like you, just don't let people who reject you damage your confidence and sense of self worth. That's one of the most attractive things about a person imo.

 

[inlovewithblair]

You're suicidal because you're single and you're single because you're suicidal.

I know a song that sort of reminds me of your situation. It goes a little something like this:

Just live your life (Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)
Ain't got no time for the haters
Just live your life (Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh)

 

[inlovewithblair]

Also, I hate to be blunt. But, if you've had 34 guys reject you, then you're probably not very attractive. So, because you probably aren't attractive, you should probably be really, really nice and happy, that way, your inner-beauty will shine and present itself on the outside. And, happiness is attractive.

 

[danniflava]

^ agreed.

& you should read The Secret. It basically says that if you only allow yourself to feel loved, love will come your way. Having your past rejections in your mind while you're trying to meet people isn't going to help your situation.

 

[Persian89]

^ agreed.

& you should read The Secret. It basically says that if you only allow yourself to feel loved, love will come your way. Having your past rejections in your mind while you're trying to meet people isn't going to help your situation.

I want to hug you...very hard and tightly....
GOD!

 

[Scimitar]

Umm.. I have to say I disagree with ...inlovewithblair. Without sounding vain, I am very attractive and have been rejected simply for race. I remember talking to someone online and just to avoid any confusion before I sent a pic, I mentioned i was a halfie, half white and half black, and immediately the conversation ended.

Now to Aelrith, these things happen it is simply a part of life. I can guarantee you that there are black guys out there who will not date white guys, and I have been rejected by black guys for being a halfie. Its not worth contemplating suicide over, like the saying goes there plenty of fish in the sea, and with patience you will find one that appreciates you.

Beyond that, inlovewithblair may have a point, make sure there is nothing else beyond your race that could be turning people off. Definitely not saying that attractiveness is the issue, but there may be something that comes through in your communication with people that may turn people off. So stay positive and realize that at college age we still have a lot of life to live and experiences to have.

 

[KingofFaeries]

I read a defensive attitude in the op's post. I get where that comes from, but if that's how you talk and relate to people it's generally a turn off.

For alot of people in alot of venues being 'a good person' being 'nice' doesn't really matter a whole hell of a lot. That's just the culture. Gotta move past it and either find a way to be happy by yourself or keep putting yourself out there to be rejected or accepted. Sorry but that's life.

 

[bankside]

If 34 people rejected you in January alone, it sounds more like you are trying to hitchhike than find someone special to be with.

You're right, there are a lot of assholes out there. You should be happy to be rejected by assholes. Why don't you do a little more pre-screening before you give rejection a second thought?

Focus a little more, and invest yourself a little more carefully.

In some ways this story reminds me of a guy I had to stop dating. He could tell me how many months, weeks and days since he had last had sex. I don't move that fast. It wasn't going to happen overnight, but I was interested in seeing where we'd be in a few months. He was thinking he could grab me off the shelf since he had been patient long enough. It wasn't going to happen overnight, and then when I figured out how he thought, it wasn't going to happen at all because I realized he was not my type.

Racial blinders are a problem, but there is more to this story of woe.

 

[youngnihilist]

Not sure why your experience is so negative. i get that as a general rule, black gay guys will have it harder than probably any other race. but I know plenty of black gay guys who have friends of all races and date men of all races, so it's not impossible. maybe get off the net? meet guys in person? move out of san diego (which as you said, is one of the most whitecentric cities in us)

 

[SonOfSlobone]

Do you think it's worse online or worse when you go someplace to meet guys in person? If you do that.

 

[kayman23]

Also, I hate to be blunt. But, if you've had 34 guys reject you, then you're probably not very attractive. So, because you probably aren't attractive, you should probably be really, really nice and happy, that way, your inner-beauty will shine and present itself on the outside. And, happiness is attractive.

WOW, WOW, WOW! Dude you are so wrong and shallow for saying that. Next time think before you speak...

To the original poster, dude you need to reevaluate who you are interacting with. Hell, I have plenty of friends of all ethnicities, but you just have to find what is your niche and enjoy spending time with people with similar interests. Also I think it is a waste of time spending so much of your time trying to meet people online because it does give one a sense of deseparation. Finally, learn to love yourself and be alone. I would rather be alone with a puppy and a goldfish than to have somebody in my home wondering "WTF are you here?". Hell, trust me sometimes it's best to be alone to work on yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, being black and queer is difficult when it comes to dating just like a lot of things in life with being black and a male. However, you might want to just let them come to you instead of chasing them.

 

[KaraBulut]

Part of it is a race issue. But you also have to keep in mind that most of these encounters are online.

You could be the brighest, wittiest and most successful white guy and you would have the same issues. The guys that you're interacting with online are superficial and they're looking for someone who looks a certain way. They don't have time or the interest to get to know you and it's easier for them to make a quick judgment based upon your picture because they're just interested in using someone based upon the way the person looks.

On the other side of the coin, there's someone else out there who is as depressed as you because guys keep messaging him based upon his looks. And he's frustrated because guys just want one thing from him.

Sadly, the nature of online interaction allows people to be turds. These 34 guys are strangers looking for sex on the internet. Why on earth would you take anything they say or do seriously?

You can't change people's racial preferences or their racial prejudices. You can't change that guys hanging out on the internet can be superficial. You can't change that these guys don't have any interest in getting to know the people that they are so quick to reject. You can't change that these meet-up sites are actually just meat markets.

There are things that you can change. You can change where you're meeting people. Don't go to the meat market unless you want to be treated like a piece of meat.

Start meeting people in person.

Also, I hate to be blunt. But, if you've had 34 guys reject you, then you're probably not very attractive.

I'm a bit speechless on this one. But it proves my point about the superficial nature of online interactions.

 

[joshz88]

Maybe you need to try a different approach. The majority of guys who are on these online sites like adam4adam are mostly looking for sex, so obviously they are going to be very picky about appearances. Nobody is a perfect individual who is completely blind to appearances, everybody has preferences, whether its that they are into or turned off by black guys, white guys, latin guys, asian guys, middle eastern guys, chubby guys, skinny guys, buff guys, hairy guys, smooth guys, blonde guys, brunette guys, young guys, old guys, masculine guys, feminine guys, etc. These sites are generally filled with guys who are looking to hook up, so they are going to go with a guy that they are sexually attracted to. Even though many people do list that they are looking for friendship in their profile, most of those people are still thinking about sex down the road, and sex is not really friendship and sex is not always dating either. You need to start looking for people in person.

Also, when you are looking for friendship, why are you only limiting yourself to gay men? What about lesbians, bisexual men and women, and straight men and women? A friend is a friend, whatever their sexual orientation may be. Rather than having a preference for just gay male friends, be open to a friend of either gender and any sexual orientation. And hell, you may even befriend some cool gay guys through other friends. In my experience, one of the best ways to make friends is to befriend people you meet through other people. Anyways, good luck and hopefully you make some friends and ultimately find a good relationship.