This seemingly endless trend of people falling for straight friends...

[biguy69]

It's interesting, no matter how stupid it seems there's still always that hope of 'maybe he's gay' even if he's never given any signs.

I wondered why it happens so often and then I realised, all that happens is that where straight guys will slowly (or quickly) fall for a girl as they spend time with her, it's the exact same situation for us.
As it's often your best friend that you fall for, it's simply a case of as you spend time with that person you become closer and closer and in many ways you are having a relationship with them, just without the sexual side to it.

In a lot of cases, this friendship will be the closest thing that you've has experienced to a proper relationship with a guy, or at least what you want a relationship to be, especially if you're quite close and do the usual bondong thing of play fighting and roughhousing. Add in a few hugs here and there and it's only natural that your emotions become muddled and things get confusing.

I think the best advice I've read on here is the bit that gets repeated in almost every thread on the topic... If your friendship is worth more to you than the risk of losing your friend then it's not worth pursuing.
Even if you're one of the few lucky ones whose friend doesn't go all weird on you after you tell them how you feel, or better still admits they like you too, the chances of the relationship lasting are pretty slim and it is difficult to stay good friends with your ex. Even if you do manage to stay friends, seeing them with someone else will cut you like a knife and could ultimately kill off the friendship, something that is twice as hard to take as you're losing a lover and a best friend.

It'll never stop happening though, we're all driven by our emotions and by design we become friends with people that we in some way find attractive, meaning that there will always be that potential to get to attached.

Anyway...

Just thought I'd share the contents my head with the group.

 

[bshane]

Your post is very true. I have fallen in the trap over and over an over again. I know better but emotions allways get in the way. I almost lost a friend over talking stupid after getting drunk. He still is my friend but I can tell he is more cautious around me now. I don't know if he will ever be comfortable but he is still there and still is my friend so that is good. I basically am having the relationship without the sex even though I often long for it with him. Its just not fair for us. There are only a handful of people who are available. How does one find a love of a life time being gay. I am very overweight, from a small town which makes it almost impossible. The weight I am doing something about, but still its very hard to find a gay man so its just natual to hope the guys you meet and become friends with is secretly gay. Its no wonder gay men in general have multiple times the depression and suicide rates of straight men. Its just that much harder for us in general for love and steady relationships.

 

[biguy69]

I wouldn't say it's unfair for us, annoying maybe, but if anything it's unfair for the friend involved as they've almost been lied to, all of a sudden they find out that their friend hasn't been truthful with them and they then must wonder if the odd hug, or friendly kiss has been more for you than them etc.

I can't imagine how that must feel from the other side, of course no two situations are the same, everyone reacts differently, I had a situation where a 'straight' friend came on to me and it really messed me up as I wasn't particularly attracted to him and it did cause problems with the friendship because things got complicated.
I think it was easier for me because I'm bi and so I didn't have any negative emotions or feelings about homosexuality to overcome or anything unlike some straight guys must have.

 

[TallDude]

I also agree with what you're saying. A friendship is a type of relationship, most romantic relationships evolve from friendships so I think it's only somewhat natural to find yourself at least slightly attracted to friend you spend a significant amount of time with at some point; whether that's a fleeting feeling or a full blown crush.

 

[Spensed]

Here's a tip. Guys know if they want to have sex with someone almost immediately they meet them.

If you have to work on it by becoming their sister, it isn't going to happen. Plus the resulting relationship has little or no reality or lasting value to it unless you can accept the lack of sexual pay off. And, if you really do that, you'll likely stop spinning the plates and move on.

Obviously, there are exceptions to most generalizations. But why fight the tide?

Why? For a whole variety of reasons. For example, magical thinking, inexperience, lack of knowledge, ease of opportunity, fear of real intimacy, lack of self-worth, laziness, inertia and habit on the part of both people involved. Plus many guys, consciously and unconsciously, lead people on sexually with no intention of delivering the goods. It's an easy way to get attention and flattery.

As for meeting available gay guys, you either know how to do it or you have to work at learning how to do it. I'm no expert, but, in case it's of any use, this was my take on one of the other theads here:

"The best way is to do the footwork to get around gay guys without necessarily focusing on sex first, e.g. introductions from friends, common interests clubs, environments where there tend to be more gays guys around like amateur theater, gay charity organizations, lesbian and gay centers, etc. One good lead can expand to others.

Some of this stuff might not be available in your area, but the principle of expanding your gay circle and your increasing your safe sexual opportunities remains the same.

The goal is to increase your odds of being around compatible people and sexual sparks.

Part of that footwork includes trying to make sure that you can see yourself as sexually attractive by looking after yourself physically and emotionally so that you don't end up in unhealthy situations.

Some people do focus on the bar scene, bath houses and sex specific situations, but they tend to attract people focuses on the bar scene, bath houses and sex specific situations. Not that the're anything wrong with that, if that's what you want and, obviously, people meet there and then go on to friendships and relationships. But I personally think this is a risker route emotionally, alcoholically, sexually, etc. for gays as it is for straights. Better to explore nightlight with friends than on the prowl.

Obviously, web searches will give you many actual contacts and resources, but I would stick with the clearly mainstream ones and watch out for the phoney Christian Right stuff, which is reasonably obvious once you get beyond the initial window dressing.

All of this is just my opinion, of course. Good luck."

 

[LostVegas]

Wow. Excellent advice in this thread. I did not pOst this in my thread but I am SERIOUSLY coming to terms with a love I have for a friend...I am starting therapy..and seeing the light more and more each day. It is totally odd because Ill stumble on reason and say , "Why didnt I just realize/think/be this way a while ago..." It is hard and and ongoing process...There are lots of guys out there for me...and that are like my friend...except the guys out there might be willing to love be back the same way, unconditionally. And I deserve that...more than ever...because I have a lot to offer and a lot to give and a big damn heart.'

It is easy to fall for a straight friend...and I can understand those tht are sick of this trend/thread popping up here and there...but I must say from experience it is a very hard thing. There is no pain like the pain you get from someone you love not sharing that love back in the same way...I'm glad I went through this journey over the year and half(actualy more)...and it is excruciating to deal with...but I have to hope someone is out there for me.

BRIAN

 

[G-Lexington]

You're cute.

Lex

 

[mabby7]

Why all this talk about "risking" a friendship? What kind of friendship is it, if telling them you're gay involves "risk?" If there's risk that you will be harmed by telling them that fact about you, then is that a friendship in the first place? Probably just an acquaintance. I think you should let them know that you like to suck dick. Then just wait until they are in between girlfriends, and extremely horny, and they ask you for the blow job - which you give them only after charging them $100 cash in advance. Whenever you give any man a blow job you're doing them a huge favor.

Hmmm ... that's really upfront, but I actually think I could say it to the guy I like.

 

[thermodynamics]

Yes, well said.

As a person who's been in this situation myself, I can say that's exactly what happens. For me, it was actually the wakeup call that told me that I'm gay.

Why all this talk about "risking" a friendship? What kind of friendship is it, if telling them you're gay involves "risk?" If there's risk that you will be harmed by telling them that fact about you, then is that a friendship in the first place? Probably just an acquaintance. I think you should let them know that you like to suck dick. Then just wait until they are in between girlfriends, and extremely horny, and they ask you for the blow job - which you give them only after charging them $100 cash in advance. Whenever you give any man a blow job you're doing them a huge favor.

Because it's not just telling him that you're gay. It's telling him that you're gay AND (here's the catch) that you're interested in him.

 

[biguy69]

It is easy to fall for a straight friend...and I can understand those tht are sick of this trend/thread popping up here and there...but I must say from experience it is a very hard thing.

I don't think anyone is sick of the threads, far from it, I personally think this site is great for the very reason that you can see that you're not alone in your problems and there are people to give you advice, even if you do ultimately choose to ignore it.

Advice is great but lets face it, most of us including you and I having read your epic thread, will carry on regardless and get hurt along the way. You learn from your mistakes and it's a great part of growing as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[biguy69]

Why all this talk about "risking" a friendship? What kind of friendship is it, if telling them you're gay involves "risk?" If there's risk that you will be harmed by telling them that fact about you, then is that a friendship in the first place?

The risk comes from the attitudes of other people, admittedly if they can't accept you then they're not that great a pal anyway, but that doesn't make it any easier if you lose someone you were close to, in fact it makes it worse as it's more rejection which many gay and bi guys are scared of and have to deal with throughout their lives.

I totally understand what you're saying and ultimately agree with the point, but how you appear to cope with this thing is very different from many other confused, scared, insecure guys out there who don't have any point of reference other than the situation they're in.

Surely you can see the other side of things?

 

[pausanias_usa]

I'm beginning to think the obsession comes from sexual frustration.

If the person immediately gave you the goods, you would most likely move on -- I know, that sounds cynical, but think of all the one-night stands involved between men who know they are gay.

If anything, I think this proves that gay guys should be less inclined to give out the goods until they know they want to be in a real relationship.

 

[biguy69]

If anything, I think this proves that gay guys should be less inclined to give out the goods until they know they want to be in a real relationship.

Er... how so?
Even if you know you "want" a relationship doesn't mean you won't get hurt.