Thoughts on having come out to my parents

[MentalFirewall]

Hi, everyone, this is my first thread on JUB

So, I'll get straight to the point. I'm nineteen years old, and I was already out to 80% of my friends before I decided to come out to my parents.

I came out to my parents about a month ago, and they reacted like I expected (but, of course, not like I hoped). My Dad took it better than my Mom, and I was already sort of expecting that too.

I was in the living room with my parents, watching tv and I was working up the courage to tell them. I was about to start when my dad left the living room. I thought my chance had passed yet again, but I had already worked up the courage, so it had to go somewhere...

So I told my mother. To begin with, she was speechless. Then I asked her how she felt about it, and she gave me the whole "How do you know? Are you sure? How long have you felt like this? You just haven't met the right girl. Was it something I did? Why are you doing this to me? Is it your friends, are they playing tricks on your mind? I'm sure you'll meet a girl someday and realize you're wrong. When I was your age I was confused too(...etc)" speech. I refuted every hypothesis she made, saying that "Yes, *you* were confused. The difference is I'm not". She said it felt like she was being punished. She cried. She hugged the laptop that was, well, atop her lap. And then she said she still loved me. Right after she said that she had had an inkling about it for years, but that she had hoped I was asexual instead. Her speech was constantly interrupted by "I just can't believe this. You're just confused."

Then my dad came back into the living room. He, of course, noticed my mother's state and I told him to. He was much better about it, and yet his reaction made me feel worse than my mother's. He was stoic about it, and he also admitted that it was something that they had been afraid of for the longest time, and that they still loved me no matter what. My dad's reaction made me feel worse than my mother's because he seemed like he was more shaken up to the core, and my mother seemed more like she was throwing a selfish begrudging tantrum.

I realize that I have to wait for them to get used to the idea, but I was so ashamed of my mother. They're both doctors, so they're educated about it in every which way. They lived for many years (my dad since birth until his late thirties, my mom from her late teens to her early thirties) in the capital of our country, so they lived for a long time in the most open-minded place in our country (which I admit wasn't all that open minded at that time, but was still the most in the country).

Since coming out, I heard the most heart crushing things from them, like my mom admitting that towards her gay patients she had a more accepting demeanor, but that she was disgusted when they touched her (and she's a doctor -.-' leave it to a health professional to feel that homosexuality is contagious...), and like my father saying that "It takes all the love I have for you to deal with this horrible thing."

Also, I was putting this huge pressure on coming out to them. I was expecting it to be like a magic word and suddenly everything is wonderful. Bullshit -.-' Everything is the same, except that now my parents wanna cry and throw themselves to the ground every time they thing about me. I also had some other expectations regarding meeting more gay people and loads of other stuff that I deposited on coming out to them, but those expectations I have long since realized I was silly to place them in one single action.

I'm the kind of person that deals with things by talking about them. I was expecting my friends to make a big deal about my having come out to my parents and congratulate me, so that I could answer all their questions and thus exercise my own self-therapy, but they all said things like "oh? ok" and left it at that, most of them to talk about themselves (-.-'), except for my best friend (a lesbian), who made sure I knew how proud she was of me, but that still didn't dwell on the subject too much.

And this whole rant brings me to my closing point: I feel torn.
I feel torn between being overwhelmingly mad at my parents for not accepting me 100% on the spot (all my dad said to me for months before my coming out was "Do me the favor of being happy." He hasn't said it anymore.), and feeling guilty because I realize that they need to make the journey from denial to acceptance on their own time, which I never had to do (I was never in denial, and all those other phases. One day when I was 13 I was masturbating and I realized I was thinking about a guy. "Oh. I guess I'm gay. Awesome.")
I feel torn between feeling guilty that I'm making such a huge deal about some stupid remarks made by my parents (who, after all, still pay for my college, still sustain me) while other boys and girls are getting thrown in the street by their parents and have no friends, and feeling heart wrenchingly sad because those same comments are so painful to hear.
And all the while, my oblivious grandmother, which I love and (used to) respect (more), says things like "When are you going to cut your hair? One of these days, you'll look like one of those fags that walk by every now and then." This is just a plain annoyance.

If you've made it this far, congratulations and apologies :3
I'm really sorry I spewed out such a huge rant, but I've been holding this in for a month, no one would listen to it, and if you're like me, bottling up your rants only makes them grow bigger, which this one apparently did.
Any thoughts?

 

[redips]

First of all, congratulations for having come out to your parents! And friends!

I know it is said often, but do give it some time, and it will get better. In many ways, my parents have reacted similarly. On the day I came out to them, my mom just couldn't stop crying. My dad was sad, but didn't say much. My mom said many hurtful things to me that day. The worst was that at some point, she basically said that she would treat me as a "friend" from then on. I knew she wouldn't disown me, and didn't really mean it, but it hurt nonetheless. very much.

Fast forward a few months. They were better. They actually went to the library to do "research." (Since your parents are doctors, they wouldn't need to, but my parents really don't know much about homosexuality.) They decided that I in fact didn't have a choice. But nevertheless, they felt ashamed. They didn't want any of their relatives or friends to know. They would frequently say things that are both annoying and hurtful:

Like if I was dating someone, she'd say, "Don't hold hands in public. People wouldn't like seeing that."

Or, "do your friends know? well, don't go around telling everyone. Most people would just say things behind your back."

I was already a classic closet case, so it used to depress me to no end. Fortunately, I live across the country from them, so I only hear it over the phone. But I understand how frustrating it is to not have your parents accept and support you 100%.

Nowadays, 3 years later, things are getting better. They are much more accepting of this whole "thing" (as they like to call it). It's becoming more natural for them, and so they mention it less and less. They ask about my relationships, and they care.

So just be patient and give it some time. They cannot adapt instantly, but it sounds like they do love you and will eventually come around to it.

 

[MentalFirewall]

Thank you for your reply. And that thing when your mom told you not to hold hands in public? When I told her I was gay, one of the things she asked me was if I wasn't attracted to the idea of dating a girl, and holding her hand in the street, like she did with my dad. And I said yes, only with a guy instead of a girl. If you saw her face, you'd think she'd had a stroke. -.-'
Deep down, I do think that things will get better.
What eats away at me the most is really the guilt that some people would kill to have the relationship with their parents that I have right now, and yet I keep complaining about it :/

 

[redips]

What eats away at me the most is really the guilt that some people would kill to have the relationship with their parents that I have right now, and yet I keep complaining about it :/

Don't feel guilty about it. I feel the same way. I'm their only kid, so there's nothing they wouldn't do for me. I don't doubt their love. But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling annoyed, sad, and frustrated that I had to go through all this on my own. Sure, there are parents who react much worse. But, there was a time when I felt so alone and depressed that I felt like nobody needed to make it worse.

So, don't be so harsh on yourself.

 

[archiblue]

I think you have a right to be frustrated with your parents. And I don't think you should fight that. In time, their reactions and emotions toward you will change. You have to allow yourself to feel anger and to move through that. You will both grow that way. As to your friends, since it sounds like many of them are straight, you should let them know that you want and need to talk about what you are going through. Sometimes those are difficult conversations to bring up, but you and your friends will both benefit from that. It lets them know how much you value their opinion and support.

You have taken a few very big steps recently. Don't try to fight any emotions- work through them. As much as you can, try not to bottle things up. Even if you start to keep a journal, simply writing out thoughts and feelings is a very healthy thing to do. As overwhelming as everything is right now, realize that nothing is permanent. If you focus on moving forward and away from any negativity, you'll be amazed by ow quickly you can find positivity!

Well done friend!

 

[Seasoned]

I'm proud of you and I'd be happy to be your online uncle or grandfather. You did the right thing. Most understanding people are more understanding of strangers than their own children. As a parent I think I know where that comes from. When a baby is born there are all kinds of hopes and dreams, some of which unfortunately become concrete.

You didn't mention siblings so the whole traditional wedding and grandchildren and carrying on the family name, etc comes into play. They may be afraid of HIV or suicide. Don't be a mindreader, but if you're ever up to it you may want them to lay all the cards on the table, but don't do it to take care of them. You have done nothing wrong.

They'll be fine and they will also be better doctors once they process this. It's a shame they blame themselves. But they'll get over that too.

PFLAG is an organization for parents and friends of gays and lesbians and sometime in the future you may want to visit their website.

What happens when a child has more information than a parent is that roles get reversed and now you are in the role of explainer and teacher. After all you are the expert when it comes to your life, one they can't relate to. Let them know how their words make you feel. Don't fight. Use I statements. Mom, I felt (hurt, sad, afraid, glad, mad, ashamed) when you (said, did) _____.

It will get better. I'm sorry you didn't have a more positive experience.

And now a word about your grandmother. She doesn't get a free pass to free associate. Treat her with respect always, but you could do the parenting thing with her as well. Grandma! That took me by surprise. You would never let me call people names.

I am wishing you the best of everything. You seem a fine fellow and it won't be long before your parents will be indicating they are proud of you.

I am offering my ear anytime you'd like to vent, etc.

 

[MentalFirewall]

Thank you, guys
Actually, just writing all that stuff here helped a lot, and all your advice is very helpful as well
And soreknees, thank you for the ear offer ^.^