Thoughts? WWYD

[TickTockMan]

I have a male younger cousin. I am pretty sure he is trans as as a kid he talked about being a girl a lot. Now he is in his 20's and as far as I know he doesn't talk about being female anymore. He is in a really small conservative town and was made fun of.

In the past his brothers and a few of our other cousins teased him for having a crush on me because he liked to hang out with me when I was visiting. I think it is just because he doesn't see me much and I am one of a couple "out" people in the family. Also I am a bit older than him so I could drive. We usually went to a local casino that had a huge arcade. Sometimes the others would join us a bit later. My family in that town is a bit clingy so I think he just liked to be left alone or with someone not around all the time.

Recently Facebook is showing me suggested things. Because I follow gay groups with pictures it is suggesting those type of groups. The issue is it also shows your friends' likes. FB has outed my cousin to me. Should I talk to him? Should I warn him? It will freak him out if he knows I know. As of now it is only showing as far as I know those of us with the same interests, but I don't want him getting outed to those he is not ready to know or may cause problems with.


What do you think I should do?

 

[unloadonme]

Leave well alone and let nature take its course.

 

[NotHardUp1]

If he has known you are gay throughout his adolescence, and now as a man, but never turned to you in confidence or for venting, etc., then he may view you more paternally or maternally than as a confidant.

Your comments suggest you have spents lots of time with him, but never chatted about dating or sex or anything like that.

Being his mentor, I would make sure to share your own views about the closet and your evolution coming out of it. He may well assume things about your life that are not true or that are somehow stereotypical, which never really tells the story.

And, by demonstrating that trust yourself, it models for him a way to be open and trusting, even in a family that is not accepting.

You linked the idea that he was made fun of because he was in a small conservative town. If I've learned anything from being on JUB, it's that bullyng is by no means the perserve of the rural, the religious, the Southern or Midwestern, or such. The difference is that in large cities and in progressive communities, the acts of ridicule are viewed as reprehensible by those in charge of society there. The abuse still happens, but the ostracized person doesn't view it as the community as much since there are accepting elements all around.

That said, we use the caucus term "LGBTQ" so often, we may imply (to ourselves) that the consituents are equal. Whereas that may be our political position, it is easy to forget that the groups are considered quite different by the general heterosexual population.

Lesbians are generally not regarded as depraved or a threat to societal mores, as many lesbian couples did not come out until after having childen, so are often seen as optional lesbians or bisexuals.

Gay men ARE most often seen as licentious, as advocati for mores that are anti-family because they are often non-monogamous. This characterization may be accurate or inaccurate, fair or unfair, but it is there nonetheless.

Bisexuals are not even respected among gay men for the most part, and straight population often sees them as simply gay in the same way mixed race are deemed miniority race.

Queer folk are broadly taken at their word, self-identifying in a role that projects a person who has considered society's roles and then rejected them. They are accurately seen by society as anti-societal, and aggressively so.

Then, transexual or transgender are perceived almost the same, but in a way, more extreme and sometimes with the aggressiveness, but just as often as someone to be pitied. The vast majority of the population is not committed to recognizing the legitimacy or respect due trans people. And it may literally never change.

As a mentor, you could choose to share your own views on those more serious topics, maybe not all at once, whatever your own perceptions are. The way I see it, your cousin needs coping skills, resources to read and observe political and social aspects, and how to develop his own strength from the collective experiences of others, the so-called "LGBTQ community."

In the interest of not leading him to greater isolation, I would suggest he be shown how to accept those who do not yet accept him, as an overture to them to do the same. We often read on JUB of those who simply walk away, but for a young person, that may mean cutting off the only support structures the young mind knows, which can set up the cascade of events for suicide.

 

[Kahaih]

Leave well alone and let nature take its course.

Agreed.

Don't turn his small step into a leap.

I'm assuming he knows how to contact you?
Let him come to you when he is ready.

 

[TickTockMan]

If he has known you are gay throughout his adolescence, and now as a man, but never turned to you in confidence or for venting, etc., then he may view you more paternally or maternally than as a confidant.

Your comments suggest you have spents lots of time with him, but never chatted about dating or sex or anything like that.

Being his mentor, I would make sure to share your own views about the closet and your evolution coming out of it. He may well assume things about your life that are not true or that are somehow stereotypical, which never really tells the story.

And, by demonstrating that trust yourself, it models for him a way to be open and trusting, even in a family that is not accepting.

You linked the idea that he was made fun of because he was in a small conservative town. If I've learned anything from being on JUB, it's that bullyng is by no means the perserve of the rural, the religious, the Southern or Midwestern, or such. The difference is that in large cities and in progressive communities, the acts of ridicule are viewed as reprehensible by those in charge of society there. The abuse still happens, but the ostracized person doesn't view it as the community as much since there are accepting elements all around.

That said, we use the caucus term "LGBTQ" so often, we may imply (to ourselves) that the consituents are equal. Whereas that may be our political position, it is easy to forget that the groups are considered quite different by the general heterosexual population.

Lesbians are generally not regarded as depraved or a threat to societal mores, as many lesbian couples did not come out until after having childen, so are often seen as optional lesbians or bisexuals.

Gay men ARE most often seen as licentious, as advocati for mores that are anti-family because they are often non-monogamous. This characterization may be accurate or inaccurate, fair or unfair, but it is there nonetheless.

Bisexuals are not even respected among gay men for the most part, and straight population often sees them as simply gay in the same way mixed race are deemed miniority race.

Queer folk are broadly taken at their word, self-identifying in a role that projects a person who has considered society's roles and then rejected them. They are accurately seen by society as anti-societal, and aggressively so.

Then, transexual or transgender are perceived almost the same, but in a way, more extreme and sometimes with the aggressiveness, but just as often as someone to be pitied. The vast majority of the population is not committed to recognizing the legitimacy or respect due trans people. And it may literally never change.

As a mentor, you could choose to share your own views on those more serious topics, maybe not all at once, whatever your own perceptions are. The way I see it, your cousin needs coping skills, resources to read and observe political and social aspects, and how to develop his own strength from the collective experiences of others, the so-called "LGBTQ community."

In the interest of not leading him to greater isolation, I would suggest he be shown how to accept those who do not yet accept him, as an overture to them to do the same. We often read on JUB of those who simply walk away, but for a young person, that may mean cutting off the only support structures the young mind knows, which can set up the cascade of events for suicide.

Thanks


I should have mentioned though that he is special needs. He will never truly live on his own. He lives a couple doors down from his parents and he has roommates even though he doesn't want them. Also the family would be accepting as I feel most people he socializes with. I am pretty sure they all think he is at least gay, but I doubt he would ever come out.

 

[Kahaih]

Is this a 'group home' situation with a live-in caregiver/supervisor?

And, why do feel a need to be a part of this?

 

[rareboy]

I agree that it is best to lie low on this. He is an adult, even if he has special needs, and knows where you are.

At best, if he is on FB, why not just reach out sometime and tell him that you are thinking of him and hope all is well. I do that with various friends and cousins that I don't see or hear from often.

 

[Araucaria]

From what little I have observed, it seems that persons with special needs tend to get little support for LGBTQ+ sexuality, or any sexuality, for that matter. There seems to be the presumption that people with special needs are incapable of handling sexuality responsibly, and are thus discouraged from any expression of it.

I would suggest communicate a supportive attitude with your cousin, encouraging him in whatever he may discuss, but not push the discussion beyond what he talks about. If he is indeed trans, as you suspect, it will indeed be a long road before he can really get there. Whatever his sexuality, he has the additional challenge of negotiating his daily life from a position of special needs. The most I can see you doing for him is to encourage him if he develops an interest in another male, and communicate interest and support for him in general.

 

[Kahaih]

/\ Whether motivated by law, or by scruples, many will consider all consequences of statutory rape.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Unfortunately, it is likely he is already viewed with some degree of pity. Anything at all about his gender identity will like only be seen in the context of his mental maturity.

 

[TickTockMan]

Is this a 'group home' situation with a live-in caregiver/supervisor?

And, why do feel a need to be a part of this?

No he lives in his own house with his uncle that is forced on him because the uncle has nowhere else to go after having a stroke.


And I don't feel a need. Just not sure if I should warn him he is outing himself on FB.