Thursdays: A Sims 3 Graphic Novel RETURNS

[xboxfan34]

If you want to know what happened to my old thread, I'll let you know before I begin the story again....

To make a long story short, Postimage which was the adult-friendly image sharing site I used to host the images had been blocked by JUB for a supposed virus threat (that was most likely just a glitch in the system, but whatever) I tried to create a blog on Google's Blogger, however for some reason that got taken down of all reasons for supposed "spamming" and it was deleted by Google before I could even appeal it....At that point, the only option I had was to use the albums on JUB, but soon I found out that even with a JUB VIP membership, you still had a picture limit and with the attachment function (which is unlimited), you can only attach five pictures at a time per post....I felt like that was my only choice in bringing this story back and had full intention of doing so, even if it meant multiple forum posts per chapter....

Then I found another way, I had no idea you could do this, but you can supposedly make your own private blog on tumblr that no one else can see unless you share whatever content is in it with other people, and EVERYTHING is allowed on tumblr I tested this out, and it worked! I finally had an easier way to bring back my story! And to quote one of my favorite TV characters of all time,

and hopefully here to stay!

And without further ado....

I present you, the second coming of....

First Semester
Chapter One: Setting The Stage

(RyanC65 has joined the chat room)

BVBfan643: Ryan is that u?
RyanC65: yep
BVBfan643: holey shit it’s been forEVER!!
RyanC65: I know we were supposed to chill over the summer idk what happened.
BVBfan643: I guess life got in the way lol.

In case you are wondering, I am RyanC65. My username is like most others on these online chat programs, an allusion to my name and some numbers that are either random integers or numbers that concern me in any way. In my case, “RyanC” stands for Ryan Carlson which is my name and “65” is my birthday. 6/5, June 5th. My buddy Mike DeHaviland is BVBfan643. As you can tell from his username, he is absolutely crazy about the band Black Veil Brides.

BVBfan643: So when do classes start for u?
RyanC65: My first class is Wednesday.
BVBfan643: you lucky fuck! I’ve been in school for about 2 weeks now!
RyanC65: I guess that’s one of the perks of going to a community college, classes not starting until September....
BVBfan643: but the thing I dont understand is why are you going to Sunset Valley Community College? Unlike most jocks you had the grades to get into a more prestigious school like SVU or UCLA.
RyanC65: I just don’t think I’m ready to move away from my family yet, and besides the commute isn’t horrible at all and I heard good things about SVCC.
BVBfan643: How did your parents react to.....you know....?
RyanC65: They were very cool about it...didn’t really care at all.
BVBfan643: OMG that’s so awesome to hear!
RyanC65: Aight I gotta go. See you around bro.
BVBfan643: <3 ya, Ryan!
RyanC65: <3 u too.

(BVBfan643 has left the chat room.)
(RyanC65 has left the chat room.)

If I have to choose one thing in life to be thankful for, I’d say I’d be thankful that I have such open-minded parents. Some of the saddest stories I’ve read about gay or lesbian youth coming out of the closet come with a hefty dose of hatred, isolation, angst and even abandonment, especially if their parents are those fundamentalist Christian whack-jobs that take the Holy Bible 100% literally or very radical puritanical conservatives. It's sadly not uncommon for their families to refuse to accept them, shun them, or even kick them out of their own house, forcing them to live on the streets until some form of a miracle occurs, whether they find and aunt or uncle that could accept them and take them under their wing, or they could find a friend that could.

That DEFINITLEY wasn’t the case with me. My coming-out experience was pretty uneventful and obviously my parents were cool with it. Yes, despite looking rather un-stereotypical, I am in fact gay. I honestly could not have had a better family to come out to. Melinda Carlson, my mother is an incredibly compassionate and caring woman who works at a grief center while my father Robert is the epitome of the word “intelligent”. He has two PhDs in Psychology and Sociology and is well aware of the recent scientific discoveries that homosexuality is indeed normal. When I told them that I was gay, they knew that my life was going to be different than they initially thought, but they pretty much viewed it as no big deal. In my mom’s words, Gay or not, I’m still her little sunshine.

Anyway, as sad as it is that summer is basically over, I’m DEFINITLEY looking forward to college. College is supposed to be the REAL best years of your life however, I did enjoy my high school experience. I was a pretty damn popular kid in High School and all the girls wanted me. I was good-looking, the star runningback of the Varsity Football team, and most of all, NOT a complete douche bag (unlike most of my friends). I always treated everyone I knew with respect regardless of who they were. Despite some of my “friends” thinking I was a pussy for actually having the common decency to treat human beings like human beings, I was one of the most loved kids in the entire school.
That being said; if I really wanted to, I could have come out of the closet then. However, high school is not exactly the most gay-friendly place in the world, especially the group of kids I was hanging out with. To make a long story short, I did NOT feel safe coming out of the closet in that juncture of my life.

However, what’s past is past. what matters now is the fact that I’m finally going to college! I guess what I’m going to love best about college is that unlike high school, it is easier to find people that support you and love you for the kind of person you are, and not for the kind of clothes you wear or whether or whether not you’re athletic. Cliques don’t matter anymore. Now that I’m thinking about it, now I REALLY can’t wait until next Wednesday! And that basically leads to the present...

Voice: “RYAN?! RYAN, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?”

As I was entranced in my thoughts while sitting by the lake in my backyard, I heard a loud and high pitched voice. I could just tell by the tone who exactly it was...

My annoying little sister, Denise. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the girl to death. I wouldn’t trade her in for a billion bucks, but some of the things that she says and does is just so....irritating! Anyone with younger siblings or younger cousins can easily relate. She’s currently 10 years old and is entering 5th grade. What does she do that is so annoying, you ask? Well, let’s just say that she can say mild curse words without being sent to the time-out room now and she thinks she’s SO cool because she’s saying “damn”, “crap”, “hell”, and “ass” as many times as she can.

Denise: “RYAN! Get your damn ass the hell inside the house! It’s time for dinner!”
Ryan: “Denise, just because you can say the d-word, the a-word, and H-E double hockey sticks without getting in trouble with Mom and Dad doesn’t mean that you have to say it in EVERY sentence.”

Mom and Dad DO set limits though, she can’t under any circumstances say heavy-duty curse words like “shit” or “fuck” or she will be sent to the time-out room for a long-ass time.

Denise: “What-EVER!! Just get the crap inside the house!”
Ryan: “For God’s sake, can you please stop with the constant cursing!?”
Denise: “Damn.”
Ryan: “No!
Denise: “Ass!”
Ryan: “Stop it!”
Denise: “Crap!”
Ryan: “Quit it!”
Denise: “HELL!”
Ryan: “DENISE!”

I swear, there are times where I feel more like a second dad to Denise than a big bro.


THREE DAYS LATER

Well, today was it. The beginning of college life! And let me tell you, just judging by one day of school, I already like college MUCH better than high school.

My day started with giving my entire family their hugs and kisses. As you would expect, my parents were incredibly proud of me for going to college. Mom kept it together, but I could tell that my Dad was getting a little emotional...Even my little sister gave me a HUGE hug and tons of kisses on the cheek.

Denise: I’m gonna miss you SO much, Ryan!!! I LOVE YOU!
Ryan: I love you too, Denise…I’m not going away forever, I’ll be home by 1 o’clock!

I already knew this going in, but the campus of SVCC seems a million times bigger than Sunset Valley High. The school’s quad is essentially a small national park surrounded by buildings, all of which seem like they were built in different decades. Trust me, SVCC is no Oxford University, but still pretty impressive!

My first college class was my mathematics class. I guess I could consider myself extraordinarily lucky that math came to me so easily. Trust me, math can get very difficult at times, but against all odds, I’m ALWAYS able to get it. I always felt pity for my friends who just couldn’t grasp it, so that’s why I kind of lived a double life in high school as both a jock and a nerd. Kicking ass on the football field by day, and studying my ass off by night.

To me, the college crowd is not like your high school crowd at all. Here, there isn’t a bunch of assholes that are obsessed with how they look, how they’re dressed, whether or whether not they’re athletic, how much pussy they get and most of all, making sure they don’t come off as gay or effeminate. In a college like SVCC, there is a potpourri of different kinds of people. A real melting pot of white people, black people, Hispanic people, Asian people and LGBT people, and for the most part everybody gets along fine...

Well, that’s all that I have to say for my first day of college! I definitely look forward to my next class tomorrow! According to my schedule, tomorrow I have my “History of Sociology” course!

 

[xboxfan34]

Just so you all know, this story will be updated on a one chapter per day basis. Hopefully by mid February if all goes well, all 22 chapters will be back on the site.

First Semester
Chapter Two: Professor Hardwick

“Lust's passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes.”- Marquis de Sade

There is a reason why I began this entry with this quote...Coming from a gay man’s perspective, the person I saw today was probably the most astonishing person I have ever encountered and I desperately need to see more of him.....Before college, I would have never dreamed of saying this but, I can’t wait for class next Thursday!

It all started around late July when I created my schedule for the autumn 2013 semester using SVCC’s online portal from home. I still needed just one more class to fulfill my credit requirement. With the sheer myriad of classes to choose from, the one that seemed most appealing to me was “History of Sociology”, mainly due to the fact that I know so much about both psychology and sociology all thanks my Dad being a psychoanalyst and my Mom being a social worker. I thought, “Oh, what the hell? Easy A+.” and signed up.

I arrived at school today around 12:45PM, another reason why I chose History of Sociology is because the class is from 1:15PM to 2:30PM so I get to sleep in every Thursday! Take it from me, mornings are THE DEVIL.
As I entered Classroom 2-8 where the class was taking place, I was completely thrown off my feet by what I saw...or who I saw.

Around the corner of my eye, I see this absolutely STUNNING man standing strong in the center of the classroom. At what looks like six-foot two, he is a rather tall guy. As I walked across the classroom to find a chair, I managed to get a glimpse of the man’s face. He was ruggedly handsome with well-styled masculine hair, a goatee, and plenty of facial stubble, but what entranced me the most were his powerful eyes. His eyes were an extremely light crystalline hazel color, almost mistakable for grey. Combined with his bushy eyebrows, his sharp eyes had a wolfish and intimidating quality, and yet somehow, there was a gentleness to them...Even though he looked like he could snap your spine in half if you pissed him off, I knew damn well what is on the outside may not be what he’s like on the inside.

His body was the absolute epitome of “perfectly sculpted”. Underneath his tight button-up shirt and well-fitted khaki pants was the body of Adonis. He had flawless abs....huge biceps....monstrous pecs....pillar-like legs and most of all for me, a big, beautiful, round, and muscular ass! I’m not lying; this man has an ass that could easily cause a traffic jam in Provincetown! I like nice big bulges too, but I’m a self-admitted ass man.

I had absolutely no idea who this handsome stranger was. At first, I assumed he was a student! SVCC is known for having students of all ages, ranging from young adults (like me) to people their forties and fifties. My first instinct is that he could be a retired bodybuilder or an ex-firefighter or a construction worker that is going back to school to get his degree. I assumed he would walk out at any second, but he stayed.....

Then it hit me. I whipped out my class schedule out of my pocket and found out that the professor for my History of Sociology class is a man! So far, all of my professors have been women so I assumed that this one would be no exception....how wrong I was...

After a few minutes, the entire class filed in. The sexy man remained standing in the center of the classroom and introduced himself. His voice was a rich and soothing baritone.... I could sense a hint of gruffness in his deep voice, and yet there was tenderness and a friendly demeanor to it...

Prof. Hardwick: “So....Hello everyone! Welcome to the fall semester! My name is Professor Logan Hardwick as you can see on the syllabus....”

Prof. Hardwick: “I understand that you all miss summer, and I’ll admit, summer is MY kind of season! That’s why I really hate jumping straight into lecture on the first day! What I like to do is just kick back, relax, and go around the classroom asking you guys a few questions, Like “What’s your name?” “What are you majoring in?” “Did you do anything fun over the summer?” You know, stuff like that. I’ll of course, start with myself! My name is Logan Hardwick and I am a certified professor in sociology and psychology. I used to be sort of famous.... Before I got my PhDs in sociology and psychology, I used to be a professional bodybuilder as you guys can probably tell by my body!”

That comment made the class giggle a bit, as did I. Turns out in a way, my instincts were correct.

Prof. Hardwick: “Before you all go crazy on social media and tell all your friends 'OMG MY SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR IS A CELEBRITY!!' I wasn’t THAT famous, okay? I did a good number of small competitions and I won only two of them...Over the summer, I took a vacation to Brazil with a couple of friends of mine, that was a lot of fun ......some more things about me, my favorite food is Philly cheese steaks, my favorite kind of music is classic rock, and my favorite color is red!”

I didn’t even pay attention to my other classmates as they basically told their life stories. I was just completely in awe with Prof. Hardwick. As my imagination began to drift, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the various paradigms of masculinity that he reminds me of. A 1920s circus strongman, a gallant knight in shining armor, and even a fairy tale giant....... But soon, it was time to snap back to reality…..

Because it was my turn to share with the class. I spoke in a calm, casual, and non-haughty manner, yet my self-confidence remained as I tried not to stammer, which of course I didn’t. Thank God.

Ryan: “Uhhh...hey! My name is Ryan Carlson....I grew up in central Sunset Valley and I still live there. My favorite color is purple, used to be red like yours…. Currently, my major is liberal arts.”
Prof. Hardwick: “Cool....cool...so Ryan, what did you do over the summer?”
Ryan: “Pretty much nothing, I went on vacation with my family to Six Flags Magic Mountain for a week in July, but that was pretty much it.”
Prof. Hardwick: “Sounds good! I like roller coasters myself and every summer, I’m going to either Disneyland or Six Flags! Any concerts this summer?”
Ryan: “Not really over this summer…I saw a few cover bands at the park’s gazebo, but that’s pretty much it....however, last summer I did see Motley Crue and KISS when they played.”
Prof. Hardwick: “Wow...that’s cool to hear! I’m actually a huge KISS fan! I like Crue too, but I grew up listening to KISS from a very young age.”
Ryan: “Really?”
Prof. Hardwick: “Yep! KISS Army soldier since ‘78! The last time I saw them was in 2009 when they came around for the Sonic Boom tour. Hell, I just like all rock music from the 70s and 80s! KISS, Van Halen, Ozzy, AC/DC, Motley Crue....I love ‘em all!”

That just sealed the fucking DEAL with me. I was COMPLETELY smitten. Not only is Professor Hardwick handsome, muscular, and friendly, he’s also a fan of the best genre of music in the world, rock n’ roll!

All I knew is that I was madly turned on by this man. As I said before, except for when it was my turn to say something about myself, I totally wasn’t paying any attention to my other classmates. I was too busy fantasizing about Prof. Hardwick, staring at him, imagining what he looks like shirtless....or wearing a Speedo.....wearing a jockstrap...wearing a thong.....or even naked....But as soon as class was over and I looked at his desk, I made a rather sobering discovery....I saw a picture of Prof. Hardwick with a woman. The photograph depicted what looks like a national park, Prof. Hardwick wearing a sleeveless shirt that showed off his big biceps very well and a brunette smiling next to him. I knew right then and there that I needed to cut out the wishful thinking for I cannot escape the bindings of reality. Professor Hardwick is most likely not gay. The woman in the picture is most likely his wife or his girlfriend and for all I know, he could have a family with kids....

Hell, for all I know, he could be totally homophobic and against gay rights, but that's just making some REALLY brash assumptions.

One part of me felt happy that he had a family. I have no doubt in my mind that if he does have a wife and kids, that he is an excellent husband and a fantastic father...yet deep down inside, I was near-devastated that he was straight. You know how women always say “All the good men are either taken or gay”? Well, for us gay guys, it’s “All the good men are either taken or straight”. As I exited the classroom with the rest of my classmates, I could hear something fall onto the floor. It wasn’t anything heavy, but it was enough to make an audible sound.

Prof. Hardwick: Damn pencil! Where did it go?

Hearing that familiar deep voice, I impulsively turned around at the source of it....Prof. Hardwick had dropped his pencil on the ground and he was bending over the desk to pick it up....There it was....the ass that could literally stop traffic in P-Town and Greenwich Village; So round, voluptuous, muscular....a true “gluteus maximus”. Trying not to drool, I backed away from the classroom door slowly so he couldn’t notice that I was staring at him.

As I thought about what I saw while walking down the stairs back down to my car, I could feel a certain pressure in my “private” region. I knew what it was....

Ryan: Fuck....I hate public boners........I really need to beat off.

I’m pretty sure you can guess who I’m going to be thinking of when I beat my meat tonight….

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Three: Living a Double Life

I don’t think I have ever met anyone who has never kept a secret about themselves in their lives. If you’re an open book, then more power to ya, but I’m definitely not. When it comes to keeping secrets, I am definitely no exception.

Believe it or not, the bald guy in the blue posing brief with the Fu Manchu goatee is me, Logan Hardwick way back in 1999. God, I looked like a cross between Dwayne Johnson, Anton LaVey, and Geoff Tate of Queensryche! I was an IFBB professional bodybuilder from 1996 to 2002. Growing up, I was incredibly athletic, much more hyperactive than most kids. In high school, I played both Varsity football, was on the Varsity wrestling team and had high hopes to make it into the pros. But by the time I was in college, I discovered the world of bodybuilding. To me, bodybuilders became the new superheroes; huge, muscle-bound, larger-than-life characters that people look up to....and I wanted to be one. After years and years of training, my first competition was the 1997 Sunset Valley Bodybuilding Championship, I didn’t win any titles, but I still had a passion and a drive for bodybuilding.
Then...I decided to quit. Why, you ask? One day in 2002, my father (who never really “supported” the fact I was a bodybuilder.) came up to me to show me a documentary he recorded on VHS of how professional athletes sometimes become broke after they retire from their sport. That’s when I had an “epiphany”. Being a professional bodybuilder also makes ME a professional athlete. I already knew that this wasn’t a conventional gig, but my father just kept reminding me “There’s no retirement! There’s no pension! How are you going to make money after you retire!?”

My old man had a point....

So, you might be wondering, how the hell did a meathead like me manage to become a college professor? After I quit bodybuilding, I went right back to school to get my required degrees to be considered for a teaching position in a college. I spent six years working hard in school, but the result of my dedication is that I have been a professor at Sunset Valley Community College since 2008!

I earned a nice chunk of change in my days as a bodybuilder, so for the past decade, I’ve been living in this absolutely gorgeous post-modern style home on the edge of Sunset Valley. Some of my friends say that I live in a mansion, while others say that it’s just a big house. Semantics put aside, my home is a pretty amazing place. It has thirteen rooms in total, four bedrooms, four bathrooms, a beautiful living room/den, and a nice-sized kitchen. I also have an Olympic-sized swimming pool in my backyard, a garden, a four car garage with my choice of three luxury cars and my Harley-Davidson, and the coup de grace of my entire property? A private beach. I shit you not. My property is part of a bluff that branches off into a shoreline that I legally own!
But the very best part about my home? I got it for dirt. fucking. cheap. Only $500,000, a half of a million. This place in reality could easily be worth two or three million, but the person that sold it to me only wanted a half-million for it! If that ain’t a true steal, then I don’t know what is.

You might be asking yourself as you read this, “How the hell is he able to keep up with his insane property taxes? How his he able to keep his home?” This is where my secret comes in.....You see, being a college professor is not my only source of income...I’ve been doing some “part-time work” with a company known as “Black Stallion Studios” which is.......(Oh God, I can’t believe I’m saying this)........a gay pornography studio.

Fans of my work at Black Stallion Studios sometimes have discussions. Am I a gay porn star? Or am I a male model? In my own personal opinion, what I do is not porn. Pornography by my own personal definition is either videos or photographs of sexual acts, such as a couple going at it or someone masturbating. Even though there are tons of naked photographs of me, I don’t do anything that can be considered “sexual” for the camera. So I would consider myself a “male model” but most of the time, I view my work at Black Stallion Studios as moonlighting the glory days as a bodybuilder.
Another thing, when it comes to Black Stallion Studios, I don’t use my real name. In this juncture of my legitimate career as a college professor, I think it’s very dangerous for me to use my real name. For anything that has to do with Black Stallion Studios, I am known as “Matt Manchester”.

My favorite type of videos to do with Black Stallion is solo videos. As soon as the director shouts “ACTION!” like in most movies, I strut onto the set in my Speedo (or thong, depends on what HE wants.) with a manly swagger and go through this old-timey posing routine for the camera. Next in the sequence of events comes the part that most of my audience (composed mostly of gay men, but there is also some women that are into bodybuilders.) has been waiting for since the video began, I take my Speedo off and once again, walk around with a masculine stride, but this time I’m totally naked. With my schlong dangling and my big balls bouncing when I walk. Now I know, I don’t have the biggest dick in the world, the reason why I have such a nice bulge is because I just so happen to have a “set of balls the size of an elephant’s” according to many of my viewers. It doesn't really matter though in these kinds of videos, because I know that my best asset is (BAD PUN AHEAD) my round, muscular ass. Absolutely NO ONE can get enough of my buns!

My least favorite type of videos to do is muscle worship videos, mainly due to the fact that they are “Dad and Son videos”. What they do is that they bring in this much smaller guy, a twink, and what they tell him to do is basically caress my muscular body and call me “Daddy”. He’ll be rubbing my biceps with oil and he’ll be all “You have some nice, big arms Daddy!” Then he’ll rub my abs and say “I love your six-pack, Daddy!” and then he’ll start to caress my buttocks and say “You’ve got a nice ass, Daddy!” or if he’s REALLY feeling frisky, he’ll start playing with my bulge and say “You’ve got a big dick, Daddy!” (I know he’s just being nice.) I’ll reply to all of his comments with “I know, son.” Or “You like that, don’t you, son?”. Finally at the end of the video, the described twink will put his arms around me and say “I love you, Daddy!” and I’ll have to reply with “I love you too, son.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with twinks or effeminate gay guys or muscle worship, but I’m a 46-year-old man and some of these smaller guys that they have are in the 20-22 range! I’m old enough to actually be their “daddy”, so there’s no wondering why I feel like such a fucking pervert when I have to do these “sugar daddy muscle worship” videos. There even was an incident when I almost refused to do a video because the twink they brought in didn’t look a day over 14 years old. As it turned out (as proven by his birth certificate), he was 26 years old but he had such a young-looking face with absolutely NO facial hair of any constitution that he looked like a young kid….Yeah, that video was REALLY awkward.

I have a secret, seemingly forbidden profession under an assumed name. You might think that’s enough of a secret for a man to keep.
But I’m not done yet aren’t I? According to Matt Manchester’s profile on Black Stallion Studios’ website and all of the videos that find themselves on sites such as PornHub and XTube, I am labeled as “straight bodybuilder flexes naked on shoreline” or “straight bodybuilder does…..whatever”. However, Logan Hardwick in real life….is not straight. I’m gay. Yep, you heard me correctly. A big, macho manly man like me is gay, as hard as that is to believe, it’s true.

When it comes to dealing with my sexuality, I’m not gonna lie to you and say that it’s easy, but I feel like except for some less-than-good experiences, It wasn’t as horrible as some say it is. I’m currently single, but right now I really don’t know if I'm ready to mingle yet...

So this is it....my life. So far, I can say that I’ve enjoyed my 46 year existence in the world. I don’t know what my remaining years have in store for me, but I’m just gonna have to find out!

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Four, Part One: Meeting Mike DeHaviland

I had mentioned before in my first entry of my iJournal when I posted our online chat conversation (with HIS permission, of course) that I have a friend named Mike DeHaviland. And I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t my readers want to know more about him?” So I decided that I should tell the long story on how I met possibly one of the greatest friends I have ever had in my life.

Picture the scene…its September of 2009…My very first day of high school. I was excited and a little frightened at the same time, but I made a vow to myself to make the best out of my four years in high school, which I did. However, it came at a price. I’m pretty sure you all know that when you enter high school, you might as well take your individuality and throw it off of the top of the Hoover Dam or flush it down a toilet. Very similarly to the movie The Breakfast Club, in Sunset Valley Central High School, You’re either a jock, a nerd, an emo, a scene kid, a princess, or an outcast. Even if you don’t find yourself connected to any one of these cliques, you will eventually fall into one…..just like I did.

Sophomore year, I tried out for the football team, I made JV and eventually made Varsity junior year….thus making me a jock, which means throughout those three years, I was friends with some of the BIGGEST douche bags in the school, Peter Curulewski, Jamie Fischer, Vinnie Rivera, Tom Baskin, and Michael Greer. They were the guys that disturbed class, disrespected faculty, called girls “bitches” and “hoes”, always got drunk and/or high over the weekends, and relentlessly bullied and tormented other kids. I was in good company, wasn’t I?

Right….

God, being friends with those guys truly was an experience. Because Peter and Jamie look so similar (You could swear they were identical twins), Jamie would get in trouble for the things Peter did and vice versa. They were both wild, unpredictable and fun loving guys, always willing to do shit for a dare. Vinnie Rivera was your stereotypical brutally handsome “bad boy” and for lack of a better word, was a fucking asshole to everyone, even us sometimes. However, I had no qualms about putting him in his fucking place. Tom Baskin was the captain of the football team and took the sport way more serious than all of us did. Coming from a wealthy family, Tom’s a crass egotist, always thinking he’s better than everybody else. He’s not as much as an asshole as Vinnie is, but I still didn’t like his attitude. Mike G. was very similar to Tom in the fact that he takes football very seriously, but he always seemed very jaded in the fact that he hates mostly everyone for one reason or another, except for us, that is.

I first encountered Mike DeHaviland Freshmen year when he was in my English 9 class. He was a very scrawny-looking and thin kid with jet black hair that he would dye occasionally, he would always wear jeans with wallet chains and t-shirts with all of his favorite bands on them. Like Three Days Grace, D.R.U.G.S, Avenged Sevenfold and Green Day. Quiet kid, always kept to himself…He seldom talked in class, I don’t think he had any friends until sophomore year, and generally people avoided him like the plague Freshmen year…..I wasn’t talking to him yet, but I felt really sad for him. I personally believe that everyone needs at least one good friend.

Even though I wasn’t talking to him at that point, I did friend him on Facebook. At that time in 2009-2011, Facebook was the next big thing and everybody added everybody they could find that went to their school. Hell, I even tried to add some alumni from my school for the hell of it. I was 15-16 and they were all 19 and 20! None of them accepted my friend requests, as could be expected….Anyways, Mike accepted my friend request around May of 2010.

Around sophomore year and junior year, Mike went from being completely non-social to finally finding a group of friends to hang out with. My social status unfortunately forced me to either bully or ignore him, I of course, ignored him. In terms of clique vocabulary, Mike would have been considered one of the “emo kids” or an outcast. Honestly, in my high school, the only real difference between an emo and an outcast was basically the kind of music they listened to. Emos were really into death metal while outcasts were more into punk rock. Both cliques had one crucial similarity though, they both hated the scene kids more than anything. Now, after being friends with Mike, he really likes a wide variety of music, everywhere from Black Veil Brides to The Beatles.

Around the middle of my Junior year, I decided to do my daily rounds on FB to find that Mike posted a status on his wall, which really knocked me around for a bit. Not the fact that he posted a status, but what the status said.

Mike DeHaviland: “Over these past few years, I’ve realized a lot about myself. I’d like to thank all my friends that I love dearly and I’d also like to thank my family for their undying love. I think it’s only right that all of you know the truth about me. I am gay.”

After Mike posted that status….I expected both positive and negative reactions to Mike coming out on Facebook…but for the longest time, even hours after he posted it, absolutely nothing. No one liked it, no one commented on it…But then…it happened.

That night, when I looked at my Facebook I noticed that one of my best friends at the time, Jamie Fischer, posted a status about Mike’s announcement that he was gay, which got seven likes. It wasn’t a nice status, at all.

Jamie Fischer: So that emo faggot Mike DeHaviland likes to suck dicks lol Mike DeFAGiland

Was I pissed at Jamie? Hell to the fuck yeah I was. Could I do anything about it? I could have, but that would have cost me my social life. Looking back on my life, I cannot believe what a motherfucking delusional fucking douchebag asshole I was in my junior year. The fact that I let basically the entire Varsity football team bully a fellow LGBT classmate and didn’t do a goddamn thing about it, combined the fact that I thought that these homophobic asshats were my true “friends”.

The saddest part of this whole deal is that after coming out, Mike lost all of his friends. Not even the emos and the outcasts wanted to hang out with him anymore. I don’t want to point fingers at anyone, but the emos and outcasts were so full of shit when they say that they’re “individuals” and “non-conformists”. God forbid that they have a gay guy in their group, it’ll make their image “look bad”.

Mostly everyone in high school was as phony as a three dollar bill, even me. Period, the end.

Poor Mike….he went from being happy with his life in sophomore year and half of junior year to being completely miserable. Ever since he came out on Facebook, everyone either ignored him or bullied him (Becoming a theme, now isn’t it?). Mike started skipping school a lot due to the bullies and pretty soon, his grades started to nosedive and he went from being an honor student Freshmen year to being placed in remedial classes for Math, Science, and History the beginning of senior year. Also around senior year, I began to notice tiny little red slits on his arms….My heart broke for him constantly, even while I fake-laughed when my “friends” told anti-gay jokes about him. Being a closeted gay myself, I wanted so badly to befriend him, but not only would my more “popular” friends would have made my life hell, I could also just tell that at that time that Mike viewed me, Ryan Carlson, runningback of the Sunset Valley Fighting Stallions as just another dumb, meatheaded, homophobic jock asshole.

Then....that fateful day occurred…December 21st, 2012. Yeah, I know it was supposed to be the end of the world or some bollocks like that (wow…just had a British moment.) However, what makes 12/21/12 so important to me is that on that day, I finally grew some balls….and I stood up for a certain someone and what soon resulted was one of the greatest friendships I have ever had in my life.

December 21st was the last day of school before Christmas break, and everyone was excited to rush out of that school and hang out with friends when the bell rang at 12:00 noon. (It was a half day of school.) And my crew and I were no exception. There was an all day and all night kegger (not that it mattered to me, I didn’t drink.) at some cheerleaders house and Pete, Vinnie, Jamie, Tom, and Mike G. and I were all planning to go. For the time being, we all stayed after school to just bullshit while we waited for the cheerleader’s boyfriend to pick us up in front of the school building in his Hummer. At that moment, I realized that I had left my football team hoodie in my locker and because it was going to be colder than a witch’s tit, I excused myself to go get it.

As I walked towards my locker on the other side of the school building, I came across Mike DeHaviland coming out of a classroom and walking in the opposite direction of me. I waved and nodded to him in a friendly manner, but as usual…I was met with nothing but ignorance of my existence.

When I got my hoodie and I was about to lock my locker, I could hear a very faint commotion coming from the other side of the building…some kids were laughing, others were saying words like “fag”, “queer” and "FUCK HIM UP!", and in the distance, I could hear an effeminate male voice say “Come on…please leave me alone.” I didn’t want to believe that it was happening, that my own friends could be bullying a defenseless Mike DeHaviland as I went to get my hoodie…but against my wishful thinking, it was taking place.

I came back to where my friends were and I was just dumbstruck. No, I wasn’t dumbstruck, I was utterly fucking STUPEFIED to what I saw. Pete, Jamie, Vinnie, Tom and Mike G. had Mike D. surrounded…Mike was laying on the floor, totally defenseless as my “friends” proceeded to paint a canvas of anti-gay slurs directed at him which was prominently put on display.

Pete: “Get up and fight us, you fucking pussy fag!”
Mike D.: “Come on, I don’t want to fight you!!”
Mike G.: “You little faggot, If you don’t stand up right now, I’ll kick those gay thoughts right out of your skull! Maybe that’ll straighten you up!”
Vinnie: "Yo, Mikey! I bet you a hundred bucks that if you hit that fudge-packer, his brains will fly out his ears and across the hallway!”
Mike G.: “HA! Want me to test that theory?!”
Mike D.: “No…don’t hurt me!”

At that point, Vinnie raced up to Mike D, who had pinned him against the wall, and with all of his force, backhanded him so hard that his face turned the brightest tint of red I have ever seen.

Vinnie: “SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WORTHLESS FAGGOT! Wanna know something? We won’t hurt you, because we know damn well that you’re such a fucking pussy that you’ll probably go home and commit suicide while we party our asses off tonight! So you know what? FUCKING DO IT, FAG! KILL YOURSELF! NO ONE WILL MISS YOU, NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING FAMILY AND FRIENDS! Oh wait….that's right! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, NOW DO YOU?! MORE OF A REASON TO JUST DO IT, AM I RIGHT?”

First came a single tear that fell from my eye…then rage. Just blind. motherfucking. rage. I’ve had ENOUGH of my friend’s shit. I’ve had enough of standing idly by while I see someone getting bullied by people that I “like”. I’ve had enough of pretending that this horrific bullying was “funny”. All I knew was that it was time for me to stop being a coward and stand up for what's right. I always likened that part in my life to that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie stood up from himself and beat the shit out of Scut Farkus.

I just let my inner beast take over my body. I took Vinnie, who was in the middle of hitting and verbally abusing Mike D. and BOOM! Slammed him against the floor with all my force. God, the sound of him hitting the floor was near-deafening, I slammed him so hard. Being one of the strongest and most muscular guys on the team, I was easily able to overpower Vinnie. All the other guys just looked at me like I had seven heads.

Ryan: “You listen here, you fuckhead….You better leave that kid alone. He’s been through so much shit lately and he doesn’t need you treating him like this. HE CAN’T FUCKING HELP THAT HE’S GAY!! I swear, if I EVER see you or ANY one of you sacks of shit bully him, or tell ANYONE to kill themselves again, I won’t hesitate to fucking KICK YOUR FUCKING ASSES! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!”
Vinnie: “Yeah……..I got it.”

I let Vinnie go. He tried to stand up, but he collapsed on the floor to catch his breath. Tom and Jamie lifted him back on his feet and all five of them gave me an icy stare. Why shouldn’t they? I just fucking wailed on Vinnie for bullying a kid that has been the ass-end of so many jokes in this school. I simply said to them in reply to the wordless comments.

Ryan: “Have fun at the party without me.......I’m going home.”

At that point, all of my friends walked away from me. I went to go give Mike D. a hand in getting up, but I noticed that he wasn’t laying on the ground anymore. He too, got up and ran away…..leaving me all alone....

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Four, Part Two: Befriending Mike DeHaviland

So I think it’s now time to conclude the story about how I met and became friends with Mike…

So, after I kicked Vinnie’s ass and told all of my friends off, nothing else really happened for the week and a half we were off for Christmas break. I enjoyed a nice and relaxing Christmas and New Years at my home. I was happy that I was able to enjoy the holidays with my family, but the thought of what happened and what I had to do always hung over my head. Also, around that time from December 2012 to January 2013, after years and years of denying my desires for other men instead of women, I was finally beginning to come to terms with my homosexuality. After reading several advice blogs on the internet, I realized that in order to really accept to yourself that you are gay, you should branch out and try to make personal connections to other LGBT people….And the only other LGBT person I know other than me that I could tell is Mike DeHaviland…

The second semester of school my senior year started the day after New Year’s Day, January 2nd. The second semester for senior year means entirely new classes, new classmates, and new teachers. Mike was in one of my classes, I think it was my British literature class…I really don’t remember. From that day forward, I just began to talk to him. The incident on December 21st changed me, after finally standing up for what I believe in, I felt….free. I felt free to express what I truly feel and not necessarily be required to share the same opinions of my peers. So, I just began to talk to him once a day.

At first, Mike was really standoffish and dismissive to me whenever I tried to talk to him. He had no problems saying “hi” to me, but for everything else, it was like he wasn’t paying attention to a thing I say. It was like he was trying to tell me to fuck off, but he couldn’t. Eventually he began to warm up to me, but he was still leery of me.

Then, one day just outside of school grounds in the advent of March, he confronted me and started to give me the third degree.

Mike: “Ryan, I need to ask you something.”
Ryan: “Sure, what is it?”
Mike: “Okay, Ryan. Why the fuck are you being so nice to me all of the sudden? What do you want from me? Just drop the act already!”
Ryan: “What act?”
Mike: “You know damn well ‘what act’. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you’re just being nice to me because you either A. want me to stop being gay, B. just feel sorry for me, or C. trying to make yourself look good in front of other people.
Ryan: “Or D. I’m actually trying to be genuinely kind and compassionate to you!”
Mike: “You must think I’m some kind of retard, do you? I know damn well that your thick, hyper-masculine, Neanderthal skull isn’t capable of processing something like ‘compassion’. You jocks are all the same, always picking on people that aren’t athletic, that are nerdy, weak, gay or whatever. Just face it, you and your ilk are nothing but brainless, heartless, testosterone-soaked cretins!
Ryan: “That was really hurtful, Mike. And you know that’s not true! I’m here right now, trying to show kindness to you! I have been doing that for the past two months!”
Mike: “Just quit while you’re ahead, Ryan.”

At that point, I actually got angry with Mike. Here I was, trying to prove to Mike that I’m not like the stereotypical jock bully, and he’s there throwing every single nice thing I’ve said to him back in my face. You have every right to think I’m a douche and I’m no better than those five cunts for getting angry at a victim of horrific bullying, but I needed to let this guy know that I’m not just some random douche bag trying to make fake friends.

Ryan: “You know what? NO! I’m NOT going to quit while I’m ahead! Let me tell you something, I am sick and tired of you standing there and judging me just because I’m athletic and then blaming me for the idiotic things that my asshole friends do! I. AM. NOT. THEM. Every single goddamn time that my friends would say those stupid, idiotic things about you, my heart would always break for you! I’ve always thought you were a good kid and it never mattered to me what your sexual orientation is! I’ve always wished I could have been your friend it breaks my heart that thanks to my fucking asshole friends, I wasn’t able to!”
Mike: “…….Just, go away Ryan. Please.”

As soon as Mike started to walk away from me, my mouth unconsciously to say something, and what I said was something that I have been keeping a close-guarded secret for years….

Ryan: “If you think that you’re the only gay person in this school, you know what? You’re not alone. In fact, there is someone right behind you that knows exactly what you’ve been through.”

Mike turned himself around and walked back in my direction…

Mike: “What are you saying?”
Ryan: “I’m trying to tell you that….whatever you’re going through …I’m going through the same thing.”
Mike: “Wait….are you trying to tell me that………you, yourself…..are gay?”
My senses shut down. I could feel the world around me beginning to slow to a halt like a music box when the tune’s tempo gradually deteriorates….I had planned on coming out someday, but on that day? It had never crossed my mind. I would be lying right through my teeth if I said that any of this was planned.
Ryan: “……If you want to know the God’s honest truth……..Yes.”
Mike: “Heh…..wow….Didn’t see that coming………………..What can I say? I honestly hope you’re not bullshitting me.”
Ryan: “Believe me…I’m not.”

Then…he just walked away. I know, you were probably expecting that he would instantaneously become my friend after I came out of the closet to him, but it took a couple of more times of me talking to him for Mike to finally consider me a true friend.

However, during the second half of senior year, I found myself obligated to still hang out with my "friends" from the football team. It was almost as if the incident on December 21st never happened and everything was still all right as rain. Being friendly towards Mike DeHaviland didn’t completely destroy my social life, surprisingly, but….there are times that I wish that it did. Around the beginning of May 2013, just mere weeks before the last day of school we were hanging out at Applebees for half-apps, that’s when I finally realized to myself something that should have been obvious a long time ago. My friends are assholes. The conversation all started when Jamie Fischer began to talk about how many girls he nailed since he turned 18. Everyone in my posse was totally entranced, and I’m sitting there like “really?” We were all going to go to college at the end of summer vacation and for the most part, we were going our separate ways…And this is what my friends want to talk about? How tight the cheerleader’s snatches are?

I have absolutely no idea how, but somehow, the topic of being gay came up in the conversation….and it seemed to me like I was the only one without a negative opinion, (of course, with me being gay myself.) First, we have that Jersey Shore reject fuckface Vinnie Rivera say something like,

Vinnie: “I ain’t cool with faggots, man, they give each other diseases and shit like AIDS and they dress like girls and they like to take it in the ass and they drink girly drinks like martinis. Everyone knows real men drink beer! The whole world hates them so I don’t blame them when they want to kill themselves, and they fucking should! Man, if I had a son who was a fag, I’d totally kick his ass out of my house! Hell, if even if my son is straight but is a non-athletic pussy, I’ll also kick him outta my house! Tell ‘em to find someplace else to live. I ain’t raising no pussies under my roof!”

I had to let God hold me back so badly after he said that, I was so pissed at him. I was ready to march over to the other side of the table and punch that fucking greasy faux-Italian tough guy piece of shit Vinnie right in the face and break his jaw in one shot. It was bad enough that he bullies non-athletic kids in school, but the fact that he would disown his own future flesh and blood son if he was non-athletic was just fucking inexcusable. On the other side of the table was the rich, WASPy fuckface Tom Baskin who tries not to sound homophobic but in the same breath, shits all over gay people.

Tom: “I wouldn’t go as far as to disown my future son if he was gay, but I’d definitely disapprove of the lifestyle. I don’t have a problem with gay people, it’s just that I don’t like them touching me, I don’t like them trying to flirt with me, I don’t like the fact that they won’t act like real men and I think that it’s wrong for them to try to change the definition of marriage. It has always been one man and one woman since the beginning of time! They’re just like, .1% of the global population! Why should we be giving any special rights to just that tiny amount?”
Peter: “You know what Tom? I totally agree with you! Straight people are the majority and majority is authority! If we don’t feel like changing the definition of marriage, then the homos just gotta learn to live with it!"
Jamie: “Amen, brother!”
Vinnie: "Fuckin' A!"

That’s when it hit me. Why in the fuck am I wasting my time with these a bunch of people that would despise me and everything I stand for if I were to reveal my true self to them? I recently saw an ESPN documentary on homophobia in professional sports. Well, let me tell you something. These fucks were homophobes both inside and outside of the locker room, as evidenced here. I needed out of this group and I needed out of high school….That was probably the last time that my “crew” ever hung out together as a group.

 

[xboxfan34]

Now, here is a part that you either expected right from the start or something that you never expected in a million years. Me and Mike were in an EXTREMLEY short lived relationship. After I turned 18 on June 5th (despite me looking much older compared to my other classmates, I was actually one of the youngest kids in the senior class. Mike turned 18 in March so believe it or not, he’s older than me.), I realized that I was now of legal age of consent so it was around that time that I was searching for a lover. Sadly, Sunset Valley isn’t exactly the most gay-friendly area of California. It’s not LA or San Fran. As a result, Mike was the only gay person that I knew…..So it was only natural for us to get together. However, being together as boyfriend/boyfriend was easier said than done. Even though we were in a relationship, despite the occasional kiss on the lips, we seemed a lot more like just close friends than true lovers.

And before you ask, Mike and I did it only once, and it was….awkward to say the least.

The day that we did it for the first and last time was July 9th, 2013…my parents had gone away to hit up a local bar to see a cover band. Unfortunately, the bar they were going to was 21+ and I had only just turned 18 a month prior. By a sick coincidence, I found out that Mike’s parents had gone away also. So we came to a mutual agreement that I get a someone to babysit Denise so I can go over his house and we have a romantic night together…

I got my friend Cheryl Connors from the cheerleading squad to come over and take care of my little sister. Cheryl has babysat kids many, many times, has excellent chemistry with kids of all ages, and overall loves to do it, so I thought she was perfect for the job. I knew that Denise wouldn’t like it, but knowing my little sister, her opinions can change on a dime. She’ll go from screaming “I HATE CHERYL! SHE’S UGLY! DON’T LEAVE ME WITH HER!” to screaming “I WANT CHERYL TO BE MY BIG SISTER!” when I come home. She didn’t outright scream that she hated her, but she was whining that she wanted to play with me and not Cheryl. I promised that I would be home around nighttime and most likely after her bedtime.

After taking a short drive to Mike’s house, I parked in his driveway and instead of opening the door immediately and bursting out of the car, I hesitated. I looked at the box of chocolates that were laying in my lap. I gazed into the design on the fake-velvet cardboard box, “Godiva Chocolatier” it read, embossed on the box was a sketch of Lady Godiva, the woman who rode horses naked in the streets to protest the oppressive taxation in 11th century England. My mind began to skew off on a tangent. “What if historically, Lady Godiva was a naked man who rode horses?” I thought to myself. “Imagine how hot that would be…nude, muscular legs straddling the body of a mighty stallion, muscular ass bouncing on the horse’s back, no clothes, no shame…” As my member began to enter the beginning stages of stiffening, it was then that I realized to myself something rather discouraging….was I really in love with Mike? Or am I just desperate to finally know what it's like to have sex with another male?

I exited the car, with a box of chocolates in hand, approached the front door and rang the bell. I knew that I had just reached the point of no return.

Mike: “Hey Ryan! Come in!”

As planned, I gave him the chocolates (which he loved), and we shared a deep, romantic moment on the living room couch in which we shared a beautiful kiss on the lips. At that point, we were ready for the next step…we barricaded ourselves in his room, and continued to kiss….

Then, almost as if this were a scripted event, Mike dropped his pants and took off his clothes until he was wearing nothing but a pair of tight boxers. Mike was a very thin and wiry guy, but he did have a very nice six-pack.

It was my turn to strip. Now, I came fully prepared for this little venture, so instead of wearing my boxers underneath my Wrangler jeans, I was wearing a light blue thong for men which leaved extremely little to the imagination. I could just tell that this was making Mike mad with desire.

Mike: “Wow Ryan…you sure know how to dress to impress…”
Ryan: “You like? Thank you….it’s an Underdaks….Australian cotton..Now….I need to ask you…what do you pefer?”
Mike: “What do you mean?”
Ryan: “Okay…If you were in the MLB…would you be a pitcher or a catcher?”
Mike: “What?”
Ryan: “Top or bottom?”
Mike: “OH! I….really don’t know actually. I mean, admittedly, I have fingered myself and I do masturbate the old-fashioned way….so I guess I’m versatile.
Ryan: “I guess I would be a top….but I’ve always been curious on how it feels to bottom…Now…what do we do first?”
Mike: “The only think I can really think of to determine who tops first is…a size comparison, I guess? Whoever has the biggest dick tops first, I guess?”

I didn’t tell Mike, but I already knew right from default who was going to win that accolade.

Mike peeled off his boxers and his boner flopped out. Now, I must say…Mike’s cock was a pretty decent size! Almost 7 inches and circumcised. It wasn’t thick by any stretch of the imagination, but it was slender and long. However, before Mike was able to get haughty about his size…I had a bit of a surprise to show him.

As soon as my thong was around my calves, Mike’s eyes bulged so much that I thought that they were going to pop out of their skull. His jaw also dropped almost to the point that it reached the floor…

Mike: “Oh…..my….fucking.....GOD...Jesus H. Christ dude, it…it.…I’ve never seen anything like it!”

Now….You can say I’ve always been quite modest about it, but let’s just say that the men in the Carlson family have always been known for both their good looks, their intellect, and the sheer size of their members and I was no exception. I was good looking, smart, and my cock was 12 inches long, also circumcised, and thick like a beer can. It was probably the reason why I was one of the most loved kids in the entire school. All of the guys on the football team wanted to be me, and all of the girls wanted to do me once they heard the rumors that Ryan Carlson has a big D.

Mike: “Wow…..I mean….that…MONSTER going inside me…Jesus…”
Ryan: “No fucking way man. I just can’t do it….I can’t run the risk of you getting seriously hurt.”
Mike: “Ryan, I see guys in these pornos taking cocks like yours with no problem…what’s the worst that can happen?”
Ryan: “Serious internal bleeding comes to mind, or anal prolapse…it’s rare that it happens, but you’ve never had any dicks in your ass before, so the risk of it happening is greater in your case, unfortunately….I just can’t stomach the thought of me hurting you like that…”
Mike: “Right….don‘t want that shit to happen.”
Ryan: “I think our best bet right now is if I bottom for you.”
Mike: “Are you sure? I mean, you said it yourself. You’re a top.”
Ryan: “I said that I was curious also, remember that?”

I laid on Mike’s bed in a prostrate position, awaiting what was going to come.

Ryan: “Just do it Mike…after you put the condom and the lube on, just stick it in and do your duty.”
Mike: “Alright….”

There was no turning back now…A few moments after I told him what to do, he climbed onto his bed and mounted me from behind. I subsequently felt Mike’s lubed-up johnson prod my asshole a few times in an unsure manner. Without saying anything, I raised my buttocks in a higher position as a “just do it” gesture. Suddenly, it happened. He collapsed onto my back and I felt all seven inches of his dick slide right up my virgin hole.

In many gay erotic stories posted online, the narrator who gets fucked by the man of his dreams always says something like “when his cock went in my ass, the pain was almost unbearable but the pain quickly turned into pleasure.” Yeah, well. They’re not kidding. When Mike’s cock went up my ass for the first time. It hurt. A fucking LOT. It probably hurt as bad as the “after-effects” of the time when my friends and I did the Ghost Pepper challenge on a dare. I clutched the sides of the bed tightly in order to fight off the burning sensation.

It took a while for the pain to turn into pleasure. As Mike thrusted his cock slowly and easily in and out of my asshole, I could feel that the burning pain was beginning to fade. However once it got to the point where the pain completely went way and was replaced by pleasure, Mike stopped thrusting and I could feel sort of a warm sensation forming near the tip of his condom-covered penis.

Mike: “Uhh….Ryan?”
Ryan: “Yeah?”
Mike: “I think I just…came.”
Ryan: “…..It’s all right, man.”

And that was it. That was the end of our “romantic night” together. Needless to say, the moments that we spent putting our clothes back on were probably the most awkward because we didn’t say one word to each other the entire time.

Just as I was about to walk out of Mike’s house around nighttime, I heard him call my name.

Mike: Ryan?
Ryan: What’s up?
Mike opened his mouth in order to say something, but quickly shut it. His eyes scanned around the room, signifying that he was going to say something important, but lost his train of thought. All that Mike managed to say was…
Mike: “It’s getting pretty late. Please drive safe, okay?

And before I could even move an inch away from the door jamb, he approached me and in one fluid motion, plants a shy kiss on my cheek…The fact that he kissed me on the cheek instead of on the lips said it all.

Within a few days after that….we broke up. There really isn’t one particular reason I can think of that could explain why Mike and I broke it off. It was a multitude of different factors. Even though I really love Mike as a friend, I wasn’t that sexually attracted to him, not as much as he was to me. Even then, I could tell that it wasn’t true, pure love. Mike’s dick was in love, but not his heart. Also, because of the sheer size of my cock, bottoming could potentially do him serious internal harm.

And basically, that was that. Me and Mike are right now the best of friends, I love him with all of my heart and in many ways, he’s like the brother I never had, which is really weird considering the fact that we had sex……but anyways, if there is one extremely positive thing that came out of meeting, befriending, and for a short time romancing Mike DeHaviland…It’s that he lent me a helping hand in tearing down the tapestry of lies and accepting myself as an LGBT youth. Not only that, but I also helped him too when it came to the big “G”. I recently got a text from him yesterday, he’s doing very well in college! He’s making so many new friends and is the president of the campus’s Gay/Straight Alliance club!

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Five: Black Stallion Studios

Usually, when people think of darkness and the color black, they think of things like horror movies, evil, death, funerals and many other morbid things….However for me, it was different. The blackness that enveloped me was the opposite…it was comforting…pleasant, even. It was like being cradled by a warm black blanket on a cold winter’s night….the sound I was hearing was not quite silence, but there were no real discernable sounds except for what sounded like an occasional “buzzing” and a happy little xylophone tune in unison. At first, it seemed like my mind was playing tricks on me, but the sound had amplified to what seemed like a product of my own imagination to an actual sound….That is when…

I instantaneously was thrust out of that comforting darkness and into a familiar place….my bedroom. When I say that it was an instantaneous change, I mean that it happened in a goddamn nanosecond. The sound was still playing, even in the real world. However, I knew exactly what was causing it.

The phone.

I picked my iPhone up from the nightstand. On the painfully bright LCD screen displayed behind a picture of the shore of Rio De Janiero, white words read “BSS” Without even taking a second to ponder it, I knew exactly what “BSS” stood for.

It was my second job calling.

Not knowing at all what Black Stallion Studios wanted with me so early in the morning, I flicked my thumb across the screen in order to pick up the phone.

Logan: "Hello?"
Black Stallion Butler: "Hi! This is Logan Hardwick, I’m assuming?"
Logan: "Yeah…."
Black Stallion Butler: "Silas himself wants to see you personally in his office this afternoon. He sounded pretty anxious to see you…I’m not gonna give away details but….I assume you’ve been keeping in shape, right?"
Logan: "Let’s see, I spend at least two hours a day in my personal gym getting pumped and I’m vigilantly watching my diet so…I’d say I’m in pretty good shape for a man of 46."
Black Stallion Butler: "For your sake, I really hope you’re telling the truth. Bye!"
Logan: "Bye-bye."

You might be wondering right now, “who the fuck is Silas?” I’m more than happy to give you the lowdown on who he is. Silas Muller, in the most concise terms possible, is the gay equivalent to Hugh Hefner. He is the owner and sole proprietor of Black Stallion Studios and is a pioneer in the gay rights movement from the 1970s (when he, himself was a porn star) and onward. Even at the age of 77 years old, he’s in fantastic shape.

In a nutshell, if you are a gay guy into muscle-bound, masculine and handsome guys, Silas Muller is probably living your wet dream. Sitting at home all day in a beautiful The Great Gatsby-like mansion with his pipe and slippers and getting laid 24/7 by his choice of many muscular, scantily clad men. Jesus, what kind of gay guy DOESN’T want his life?
Personality wise, Si (we call him Si as a nickname, by the way.) is a well-meaning, yet highly eccentric guy. He’s always brainstorming ideas for his movies, a lot of which he directs himself. I constantly find him vigorously looking into multiple themes of masculinity throughout history and the world today. Anywhere from construction workers to superheroes and even fairy tale “Prince Charmings” and he tries to apply them into the movies.

There are times when I believe that Black Stallion Studios is more of a gay equivalent to Playboy than Playgirl! To be fairly accurate though, it seems that when it comes to marketing, Playboy is for straight men, Playgirl is for straight women, and Black Stallion Studios is predominantly for gay men.

Hell, there is even versions of Playboy Bunnies working at Silas’ mansion! Except that they’re known as “Black Stallion Butlers” .The Butler’s costumes are similar to the Playboy Bunnies in the fact that they portray formal clothing in a risqué fashion. The tops of the uniform/costume is comprised of a specially-designed white dress shirt that has an elastic waistband around the waist instead of going down to the calves like normal dress shirts, a red waistcoat, and an 1800s-like necktie. The bottoms is where the risqué part comes in. Instead of dress pants, Butlers are to wear a skimpy, red bikini brief which matches the red waistcoat, almost giving it sort of a “leotard”-like look. The ensemble is completed with a pair of black jackboots. Before you ask, I was a Butler for about six months before I became a full-time actor for the studio. In fact, I still have my entire costume in the wardrobe…and I checked a week ago, it still fits…. A while back, Silas thought of adding horse tails to the rear of the bikinis and instead of jackboots, the Butlers would be wearing those high-heeled boots that are made out of ACTUAL horse hooves so that when the Butlers walk, it would make a “clomping” sound like horses walking on solid surface. It was supposed to keep in line with the namesake which is of course, Black Stallion Studios. That idea was quickly scrapped because of the fact that it looked unsexy and just creepy as hell…

Despite Black Stallion Studios being inclusive to both gay men and straight women, they’ve become a huge focal point in the gay community, despite there being tons and tons of other gay porn studios out there. The reason for that is because Black Stallion Studios also operates the most gay-inclusive male revues in the entire country. A lot of Black Stallion actors and models whom I am friends with used to be male strippers at bars and unfortunately, they are not making things up when they say that a lot of male strip clubs are NOT gay friendly. It’s surprising and sad, but it’s unfortunately true more often than not. Black Stallion model Brian Hoelzer, who is one of these “ex-male strippers” actually told me some pretty bad stories concerning gay male patrons at these bars. A lot of bars take measures to completely ban men from entry whenever there are male strippers preforming and when bars DO let men in during these performances…to make a good comparison, the straight women eat like kings while the gay men are forced to feed off of scraps. Brian explained to me in great detail about a dance move he learned called “fag dodging.” Basically, when a gay man is about to do something like grab his ass or put a dollar in his thong, the dancer swiftly moves away towards the nearest female and lets her do anything she wishes. Grab his ass, grab his bulge, and stuff dollars in his thong while the gay guy gets left high and dry. There were even times when certain strippers would outright refuse to do a show if the audience had a lot of men. These incidents of blatant homophobia in male revues is what prompted the decision in 2008 for Black Stallion Studios to start a franchise of all-male strip clubs where gay men and straight women get equal treatment. Sadly, because it is a bar, you have to be 21 or older to get in. Believe me, Silas TRIED to finagle things to make it 18+, but nothing worked out. As of 2013, there are only 3 locations. One in San Francisco, one in Los Angeles, and one in Las Vegas. Si is hoping to open some locations on the east coast like Provincetown, New York City, and the Jersey Shore…

But the Midwest and the Bible Belt? Not a fucking snowman’s chance in Hell.

The” Silas Manor”, as we jokingly call it, is an extremely short car ride away from my house on the other end of Redwood Lane. He lives on the other side of the nice portion of Sunset Valley. Silas’ mansion is sort of a combination of both Victorian and Roaring 20s architecture, like in The Great Gatsby. Of course, his home is immaculately decorated with Silas’ personal artwork collection of both erotic and non-erotic art.

I exited my car which was conveniently parked on the side of the road, walked up to the front porch of the house, and knocked on the huge, monolithic, wooden front door. After about 15 seconds of waiting, the door slowly creaked open. It was not Silas, but it was a Butler. I recognized the Butler. It was James Davenport. James used to be a fitness model but after coming out, the male fitness magazine he modeled for basically dumped him for being gay. Silas basically found him almost immediately after he lost his job and took him under his wing. He is happy being a Butler, but he has high hopes of becoming an actor in a Black Stallion Studios production.

James: "Silas is expecting you, Logan. Come on in!"
Logan: "Alright then! You look good, by the way."
James: "Thank you! You really look good too! I’ve been meaning to ask you, Logan…Are you ever going to consider getting back in the saddle? Y’know, becoming a Butler again?"
Logan: "To be honest…I don’t know….I really liked my time as a Butler, but I’ve moved on."

I walked through the beautifully decorated halls of the mansion, navigating my way around priceless furniture and artworks in order to get to Silas’ study. Around the corner of my eye, I found him in his study gazing into a book. I sighed to myself….and greeted him…

MINUTES LATER

Silas: "Everything is going quite splendid Logan my dear, no complaints from me!"
Logan: "That’s good to hear. I wanted to ask you something, what was this whole business with sending one of our own camera crews to do a photo shoot not sanctioned by Black Stallion? Was it Hollister?"
Silas: "It was Abercrombie and Fitch....and they wanted our camera crews to do an anti-homophobia photo shoot….It was for a good cause, but to be honest, I find myself quite disillusioned with contemporary male models as of late….Just a bunch of spoiled, self-centered boys flashing their abs for a quick second and expecting the world to fawn over them."

Silas walked over to the bar in his office to put some ice in his scotch. In the process, he gazes at a reproduction of an ancient Greek statue of a shirtless, muscular man flexing his biceps.

Silas: "At Black Stallion Studios….our men are not just men….they are GODS living among the mortal!!!……….namely, yourself!"
Logan: "So let me get this straight, you want me to do another flick."
Silas: "You really ought to stop reading people’s minds, Logan! But I happily accept our shared proposition."

Silas swiftly got a pen and pad out of his desk in order to write down ideas for a script intended for new movie that I, or rather Matt Manchester is now undoubtedly starring in.

Silas: "In this new production….I envision Matthew Manchester as someone who is bold, masculine, HEROIC even! A true man's man!.....You have any ideas..."
Logan: "Hmmm....a true man's man...bold, masculine, and heroic……a superhero?"
Silas: "No….that idea has been repeated way too many times….I need a more…original motif."
Logan: "A construction worker?"
Silas: "That idea has also been done to death and when I said ‘heroic’, I MEANT ‘HEROIC!’"
Logan: "A circus strongman from the 1920s? You know, handlebar mustaches, leopard print leotards..."
Silas: "No, I don't feel anything can really come of that without being too...hokey."
Logan: "How about a knight?"

As soon as I uttered the word “knight”, Silas froze. He looked down on the pad and scratched his head. I knew right then and there that the gears were working in his brain….

Silas: "Knights….knights….I’m getting something....Is it okay if you tell me things that you associate with knights?"
Logan: "Uhhhh…….swords, horses, Medieval times..."
Silas: "Knights….. (gasp) I think I’ve got it! YES! That’s it!"
Logan: "What’s it?"
Silas: "I can just picture it right now….the 12th century…Medieval times....a time where men were men….Thank you so much Logan. You were a great help!"

As soon as I realized that my services for Silas’ project were no longer needed, I was about to get up and leave, but I stayed. It was then that I realized that I wanted to ask Silas a question that I have been meaning to ask for a long time.

Logan: "Silas, Is it okay if I ask you something?"
Silas: "Certainly, my boy."
Logan: "Okay…..This isn’t as much of a question as this is something that I’ve been considering for the past few months…..I’m thinking about coming out of the closet."
Silas: "But Logan……You’re already out! I know you’re a homosexual, your parents know, all of my Butlers know…."
Logan: "I really am considering….coming out of the closet as my other persona…. Matt Manchester."

As soon as I said that, Silas eyes bugged out so hard that I thought that they were going to fly out of his skull and across the study. His jaw also dropped so much that I could swear I heard a little thump as it hit the surface of his desk.

Silas: "WHAT?! Come out as Matthew Manchester? ARE YOU MAD?! You can’t, you simply can’t! Doing so will do nothing but spoil everything we’ve worked for!"
Logan: "Silas, I understand…but I’m sick of pretending to be straight! I can’t be something that I’m not!"
Silas: "Where would you even get such an idea from?!"
Logan: "Si…I….I was checking online the other day….It was some gay porn online message board. And on the “Matt Manchester Appreciation Thread”, some of my fans were considering boycotting watching my videos and basically anything from Black Stallion Studios! My fans think that because Matt Manchester is ‘straight’, he hates gay people! I’m being labeled a homophobe!"

 

[xboxfan34]

It was my fault that people thought that about me.

You see, I have two accounts on Facebook under both my real name, and my alter-ego. However, the page under Logan Hardwick is a personal page while Matt Manchester is a fan page. I don’t mean to brag, but I am very accessible and approachable to my fans. I truly love all of them for their support and I always, ALWAYS take out the time to sign autographs, talk to fans, and take pics with fans when they see me on the streets. (I get that mostly in the more gay areas of San Fran and Los An. Seldom in Sunset Valley.) On Facebook, I always love to reply to fans when they write on my timeline or answer questions they may have. Sadly, as my fan base grew, I found it impossible to reply to all of them anymore…Which is why I decided that every few weeks, I will have a Q&A day on my page so I can answer my fan’s questions or give them shoutouts.

For example if someone writes on my wall “My boyfriend is a big fan of yours and today is his birthday!” I’ll reply with “Happy Birthday so and so!” However, because Silas doesn’t want me to break character as a straight bodybuilder, I try and act as “straight” as possible….and very recently, I’ve been in some hot water with my fans on two different occasions due to a couple of really stupid things I've said….It all started on a Q&A day when someone wrote this on my timeline.

“Dear Matt, I am a huge fan of your videos! You’ve got a really nice ass! Too bad you’re straight though...My question is, if you were gay, would you bottom? You’ve got the perfect butt for it!”

In reality, I, having had sex multiple times both ways and thoroughly enjoying it, label myself as versatile. However, I had to answer the question from the point of view of someone who is straight. I replied...

“Hi! Thank you so much for the complement! I am rather proud of my buns! However, to answer your question, even if I were gay, I wouldn’t bottom. I just think that the idea of something going up my ass seems really weird. Sorry!”

Well, that started a real shit storm. On both Facebook and these gay porn forums, people were saying that they were incredibly disappointed in me, that I’m just a typical Gay4Pay actor and that I secretly think gay sex is disgusting. However after a few days, that blew over and people then began to keep on commenting on how hot I am.

The second incident was a product of my fucking own stupidity and I'm still kicking myself to this day over it. On another Q&A day on my Facebook page three months ago, someone had asked me a question about gay marriage. Obviously, being gay myself, I’m for it. However, the fan was asking Matt Manchester a question….And I, dumbass as I was, tried to answer the question in the most “straight” way possible.

“Even though I believe in equality for all men and women, I do believe that there are some very serious things going on in this world today that should be taken care of first, such as the conflict in Syria and whatever the hell is going on with North Korea.”

That answer started another, even BIGGER shit show than the first incident. On Facebook and the gay forums, people were pissed as all hell at me. People were saying that I'm a fake LGBT ally, that the answer was unmitigated proof that I dislike gay people, and a few people even started to boycott my videos and Black Stallion Studios until Silas fired me. These people have every right to be mad at me. I will still NEVER, EVER get over the fact that I was so fucking stupid that I didn’t just write “I am for gay marriage” and that’s it. I know TONS of straight men who proudly support gay marriage and don't care what anyone thinks! I should have just said that! But NO, I had to act like a "Macho straight bodybuilder" who happens to work for a gay porn company. It took until very recently for the disdain against me and Black Stallion Studios to die down and there are still some ex-fans that refuse to forgive me.

Silas calmed down shortly thereafter. He turned his back to me, faced the wall and spoke his mind.

Silas: "As a homosexual myself, I agree that there is a time in every gay man’s life where he should go through a metamorphosis….and you already went through yours when you came out to your mother, your father, your friends….and me. However, there are times when it is rather inappropriate to come out. This being one of these times."
Logan: "Really? When I think of an “inappropriate” time to come out, I think of a homophobic family that would disown their gay son or lesbian daughter when they come out. How is a gay porn actor/male model coming out as gay anything like that?"
Silas: "I guess you need to be re-introduced to the reason pornography exists in the first place. Pornography is not just a picture of a naked person or a video of a sex act. It is a dream. A fantasy, I daresay. Labeling certain gay porn stars as straight is a way for our gay brothers to be able to lose their fears and live out their dreams. Their dream of being able to convert a man they fancy from straight to gay….despite the biological impossibility. When you come out that you are gay like them, some might rejoice, but the fantasy of converting a straight man will be forever fractured."
Logan: "But don’t you see how hypocritical that is?! I see all of these psychologists, scientists, and gay rights groups protesting against these religious de-gaying camps saying that it is impossible to convert a gay man to heterosexual! How is the belief that a gay man can convert a straight man to gay any different? It’s impossible! When it comes to sexual orientation, you are what you are and nothing can change that!"

Si turned around to face me after I said that. It was pretty evident that I struck a nerve when I mentioned the religious ex-gay foundations. You see, when Silas was 20 years old in the mid to late 50s and he thought that his homosexuality was something to be ashamed of, he admitted himself into an ex-gay ministry…He has testified that those were the most miserable three years he ever spent.

Silas: "I understand….and I agree with you. I think it is supremely hypocritical…..but sometimes in this crazy world, you can’t expect things to work the way you want them….I wish we didn’t have to do this in the pornography industry, but we have to whether we like it or not….I hope you understand my position, Logan."
Logan: "Yeah…I see your point."
Silas: "Once again…thank you so very much for your help in this project. You can go back home now."

I nodded goodbye to Silas and walked down the hallway….Sometimes, I wish things weren’t so crazy in this world…sometimes I wish that we could just be truthful…but like Silas said….”you can’t expect things to work the way you want them….”

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Six: Hot For Teacher

Prof. Hardwick: “So with that being said, Auguste Comte is widely known to be the true father of sociology due to the fact that he first coined the term “sociology”. However both Durkheim and Marx……”

I know that the information was crucial for an upcoming exam, but once again, I found that my brain was not computing a single damn thing that Professor Hardwick was saying in regards to the founding fathers of Sociology. It was much more concerned on things like wondering if Prof. Hardwick wears boxers or is he more of a briefs guy….or something along those lines.

Today, he was wearing a sexy suit which consisted of a snugly-fitted, white button-down shirt with an open collar and no tie, a pair of shined black dress loafers and the coup-de-grace? A pair of form-fitting, black dress pants. I swear, those pants were so goddamn tight that you could count the change in his back pocket. With his back turned to the class facing the chalkboard, I could get a much better look at his perfectly round, voluptuous, monstrous, and overall huge muscle ass!

Soon enough, I found myself peering deeply into those gigantic, fleshy mud flaps. Examining subtle details in the fabric that could point to what kind of underwear he wears….I saw two parallel wrinkles 1/4th of the way down his calves, which pointed at him wearing boxers. However, looking more closely, I also saw two wrinkles around his buttock area that formed a V-shape, which might point to him wearing a tight, skimpy, and revealing pair of bikini briefs.....I wondered if the latter was true, but in the end, I disregarded it as a product of my own wishful thinking.

Obviously, being a gay youth having gone through years of schooling, this DEFINITELY wasn’t the first time I ever had a crush on a male teacher.

In order to pinpoint exactly which teachers I had crushes on, it time to start right at the very beginning of my schooling! But first, I want to explain something. Sunset Valley school district is a lot different from most public school districts in America due to the fact that instead of a normal elementary school, middle school/junior high, and high school pattern, elementary school and middle school are combined into one big K-to-8 public school named Sunset Valley Primary School. The school building itself was HUGE. Much bigger than Sunset Valley High, but not NEARLY as big as SVCC. It was really two regular-sized schools under the same name connected by one sky-bridge. The left side was the kindergarten-to-4th grade side while the right side was the 5th grade-to-8th grade side. The sides were mostly kept separate, however when it came to special subjects like P.E, art class, computer class, music class and study hall, that’s when things would get messed up. The gym/auditorium and art classroom was on the kindergarten-to-4th grade side while the music classroom, computer lab, and library were on the 5th grade-to-8th grade side. Hell, we just called the two wings the “little kid side” and the “big kid side.”

Where was I? Sorry for rambling……There were absolutely no male teachers on the Preschool-to-4th grade side. They were ALL women, so that’s out of the question. On the 5th-to-8th side, I’ve only had two male teachers. One was a 6th grade teacher and the other was an 8th grade teacher. None of them really stood out for me…..

I’m lying, actually. My 8th grade teacher, Mr. Jacob Wolfe stands out for me, but not in a positive way. I can remember he was bald, had a goatee, he was muscular (I think) and he always wore dark glasses. He looked more like a doorman at a bar or a Secret Service agent than a middle school teacher. I also remember that he was a fucking douche bag. He HATED teaching with a passion and he outright said that teaching was his second job and (this is NOT a joke!) that he couldn’t give two flying shits if we all failed our subjects. He hated my class in particular and would always scream at us like a demented drill sergeant for the littlest of reasons, which would scare us to the point that some of the kids in my class would break down and cry. And to add insult to injury, Mr. Wolfe had no problem with giving the kids who cried recess detention. Of course, we would tell our parents what was happening and they would get outraged and want to speak to Mr. Wolfe face to face. At these parent-teacher conferences, Mr. Wolfe would keep using his same old rhetoric as an excuse for his behavior. “Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Kids these days need to learn that.” I agree with him to an extent, but constantly berating students and treating them like shit is not giving life lessons. It’s just being a vindictive asshole.

Fortunately, Mr. Wolfe only was my teacher from September to December when I was in 8th grade because the principal caught wind of how horribly he treated his students and subsequently fired his ass. The whole time, the principal thought that Mr. Wolfe was just a notoriously tough teacher, he didn’t realize that Mr. Wolfe had such a piss-poor attitude towards teaching and was being verbally abusive to his students. When we went back to school that January after Christmas break, we found that Mr. Wolfe was replaced by Miss Heisman, who was one of the nicest women I have EVER met and was a very good teacher to boot. Miss Magdalena Heisman, if you’re reading this, I love you! You made 8th grade for me!

Freshmen year of high school is when I can honestly say that I was hot for teacher for the very first time of my life. The teacher in question was a Mr. Bryan DiAngelo, my Global History 1 teacher. He wasn’t a very tall man at approximately 5 foot 6 or 5 foot 7 but let me tell you something, Mr. DiAngelo was built like a cross between a brick shithouse and a Mack semi. He was kind of chubby, but also very muscular. Once he revealed to the class that he used to wrestle in high school and that he almost became a professional strongman before he decided to take up teaching, we all knew right then and there that we didn’t want to fuck with him because he would probably throw all of our asses through a brick wall. Facially, he had a bulldoggish look with a good amount of 5 o’clock shadow. But despite his intimidating looks, Mr. DiAngelo was actually very nice guy. He was a very good teacher, and was almost like a second dad to his students.

Being in Mr. DiAngelo’s class also marked the first time that I could confidently say that I was more into asses than bulges. I know I said earlier in this post that Prof. Hardwick has a huge, voluptuous, muscular and sexy bubble butt, imagine Prof. Hardwick’s ass two times bigger and rounder and you’ve got Mr. DiAngelo’s ass. He had absolutely no dickbulge whatsoever, but Jesus H. Christ did that guy have a pair of bum cakes! It would constantly strain against the seat of his pants so much that I thought many times that he was going to split his pants during class! Many times throughout the entirety of Freshmen year, I found myself fantasizing about stripping him down and touching, squeezing and even going as far as licking his giant ass cheeks! Don’t ask me why I decided to do this, but out of the blue, I nicknamed him Mr. BigButt. You would expect that it would be a dead giveaway that I was gay, but all of my friends thought it was hilarious! They agreed with me that Mr. DiAngelo had a really big ass so we ALL started to call him Mr. BigButt! Soon, he found out about it…..I thought that he would go crazy at us for “disrespecting” him. But he was totally cool with it! And he even LET us call him Mr. BigButt outside of class! He was proud of his assets!

Also, It was also the first time that I took interest in the “bear” subculture of the gay community, despite me still being closeted.

What was at first a little crush suddenly turned into a full-blown obsession. I would find myself constantly fantasizing about him. Not necessarily sexual fantasies, but fantasies on what he would look like in his underwear, or wearing a speedo, or wearing a thong, and sometimes if I’m really horny, naked. However, right from the start I had to face the music that Mr. DiAngelo wasn’t gay with three pieces of pretty hard evidence. Like with Prof. Hardwick, there was a picture on his desk of him with a woman and what appeared to be a two year old girl and a seven or eight year old boy and in the beginning of the year, he outright said that it was a family photo of his girlfriend and his two children. The second piece of evidence was that in November of 2009, he took a week of absence and announced after he got back that he had finally gotten married to his longtime girlfriend. The third and most disappointing piece, he seemed very Republican. He ALWAYS disagreed with everything Obama or any other democrat has ever said during class discussions and when we asked his opinion on same-sex marriage, he’d shrug his broad shoulders and say “I’d rather not say” most likely because he didn’t want to offend anybody in his class. The most devastating blow was when he even shared a story with the class about how when Anthony, his first child was born, he and his girlfriend thought that they were having a girl. So they decorated the baby room in a feminine manner with pink walls and fairy princess wallpaper and when the baby turned out to be a boy, Mr. DiAngelo refused to let him sleep in the room because he thought a femininely-decorated room was “inappropriate for a boy.” From the looks of things, Mr. DiAngelo seemed like the kind of guy that thought if a boy plays with dolls, then he'll catch "the gay". I was crushed, but it was a wake-up call to realize that not every single attractive man is gay or even gay-friendly, unfortunately....

Throughout sophomore year and junior year, I was very disappointed in the lack of attractive male teachers that I had. It was really disappointing, seeing as how Mr. DiAngelo was not the only teacher at the school that I was attracted to. I can recall that there were at least four other male teachers at the school that were good looking at my school. I didn’t have one of those guys as my teacher until the very tail end of my high school career, the second semester of my senior year. It was my Civil Law teacher, Mr. Rodger Cusano. Not only did I think that Mr. Cusano was a good looking guy, but all of the girls in the school agreed with me. He was built like a Roman god and he had the face of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Masculine gelled hair, chiseled jaw line, and a chin strap beard surrounded by a forest of facial stubble. He was also an incredibly nice guy and was always there for his students. You know how I said that Mr. DiAngelo was like a second dad? Mr. Cusano is more like a cool big brother.

However, like everything and everyone else in the world, he did have an imperfection. I didn’t notice it the first few days of the second semester, but around the fifth day of class I noticed that Mr. Cusano had a nasty-looking faded scar on the right side of his face. You see, before he became a teacher, he was kind of a....”bad boy”. He fell into the wrong crowd, did some bad things (nothing too serious), and got into a lot of fights. The scar came from a time where someone he got into a fight with punched him right square in the side of the face, AND the guy was wearing brass knuckles. Ouch.

To make a long story short, his skull didn’t break, but he almost completely lost sight in his right eye for a while. To this day, years after that incident, Mr. Cusano still suffers from altered vision in his “bad eye”. After he told the class the story on what happened, I suggested that he should one day, wear a monocle. That made him and the whole class laugh.

But despite him having the scar, he was still an incredibly handsome man. Like I mentioned before, I wasn’t alone in being hot for teacher with Mr. Cusano. Basically, ALL the girls in all four grades had a crush on him. I remember one day, when he left the classroom to get something from the main office, this girl sitting next to me began to go on and on about him. I recognized the girl as Sally Hudson, one of the Varsity cheerleaders. I remember her because she had a VERY short lived relationship with Vinnie Rivera (It was your normal high school love story. Guy hooks up with girl, the guy just wants to fuck her while the girl thinks she’s in a legitimate relationship….that sort of thing.

Sally: “Mr. Cusano is literally the SEXIEST teacher in the school!!”
Stephanie: “You’ve been talking about him all period! Do you ever get tired of it?”
Sally: “But he’s suuuuuuch a LADIES MAN!!! He’s so jacked and he’s smart and he’s nice and he’s just the BEST!”
Stephanie: I don’t really…..give a shit, Sally.
Sally: “What are you? a damn lesbo, or do you have no taste in guys!? That reminds me, I need to shave my legs again!”
Stephanie: “What for?”
Sally: “There’s a rumor going around the school that Mr. Cusano is turned on by girls with smooth, shaven legs! Maybe if I shave my legs more often than I normally do, he’ll like me more! And then we’ll have the romantic encounter in the classroom after school hours that I’ve dreamed of….”
Stephanie: “Oh my God, Listen. I think Mr. Cusano is really hot too, but Sally, face it. I don’t think you’re going to have any chance with him! I mean, he's a TEACHER!"

Just like my experience having a crush on Mr. DiAngelo, I did have a crush on Mr. Cusano, however I didn’t really fantasize about fucking him. Granted, I did have other fantasies about him…..You see, Mr. Cusano and Mr. DiAngelo are both very good friends. After school, I sometimes see them talking, laughing together, and instead of a firm handshake, they always hug when one of them has to leave…..Throughout that entire last semester of high school, I always wondered….could they have been more than just friends?

But of course, like any other fantasy, it had absolutely no basis in reality. However, I had and still have major suspicions that Mr. Cusano actually might be gay. He mentioned many times during class that he is single, he also mentioned that he is a supporter of gay rights and the biggest bombshell was his reaction to the homophobic assholes that were berating Jason Collins when he came out as the first gay NBA star. His exact words are “It’s un-fucking-believable that in this year, 2013, that people are still like this.” And I didn’t mention this, but Mr. Cusano is normally very anti-cursing. He does not allow any bad language in his classroom, which makes it more of a shock that this caused him to break out of that idea and say “fuck” in class.

I could be completely wrong, and Mr. Cusano could be straight as an arrow, but unlike Mr. DiAngelo who had presented very hard evidence that he’s straight, Mr. Cusano didn’t really have any.

It wasn’t until the class was almost over that I realized how much time I wasted in my dream world, reminiscing about the old days.....I noticed that Prof. Hardwick was wrapping up his lecture and everybody in my class was getting ready to leave. As I walked out of the classroom, I heard a gruff and husky voice calling my name.

Prof. Hardwick: “Hey Ryan? Is it okay if I talk to you?”

I approached the desk of his classroom. Part of me was sort of excited that he wanted to talk to me one-on-one about something, but I was also a little concerned. Did I do anything wrong in the class? Only one way to find out….

Ryan: “Hi, Professor! What’s up?
Prof. Hardwick: “Ah nothing…..It’s just that I noticed that you were kind of…zoning out in class. I just wanted to know if you’re okay.
Ryan: “I’m fine…thanks for asking…I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Prof. Hardwick: “Trust me, I know….I just wanted to see if you’re okay, dude!”

In case you haven’t figured it out, I love the fact that Prof. Hardwick treats us like we’re his friends and not his students. He firmly believes that there is a difference between a teacher and an educator. A teacher is someone who just throws information on the board and expects you to know what it means. An educator is someone who loves his or her pupils and strives to inspire and enlighten them.

CREATOR COMMENTS: Before you ask, yes..I have been making some changes to the past chapters to make them flow a little better. I felt like I needed to proverbially "trim the fat" of this one in particular.

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Seven: Life on a Film Set

Throughout the years that I have gone to school, one thing that I would always look forward to is going home when the bell rings at a quarter to three. Even when I started to like being educated around college, I still looked forward to that rush I get when class lets out. I’m still like that now when it comes to work. I still get really excited when it’s almost time to go home. Especially on Fridays. Now, don’t get me wrong, I really like being a college professor, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t. But when it comes to getting excited when the day is over, I guess it’s just the nature of the beast….

Today was a pretty uneventful day at SVCC…Both of my Psychology 103 classes went pretty good, all the students seemed to understand the information I taught them. If I were to pick one class that I really like to teach this semester, I guess it would be my History of Sociology class on Thursdays. All my students in that class seem to really enjoy it, especially that one kid…I think his name’s Ryan…he really seems to be enjoying the class a lot. Every single time he’s spoken in class he was right on the mark!

For the rest of the afternoon and into the night, I managed to get some things done that needed to be taken care of. I hit my gym for a few hours and I paid my bills.I ordered some Chinese food and spent the rest of the nights grading tests for my Psych 103 class and homework assignments from my History of Sociology class. After that was all taken care of, I really began to feel tired. I checked the clock on the wall, it was only 9:15PM. I usually don’t hit the hay until around 10:30-11, but I didn’t see the harm in resting for a little bit. I stripped down to my underwear, laid my head down on the settee and gazed at the cosmos through the gigantic bay window….It was a clear, cloud-free night and in the darkness, I could see hundreds, maybe thousands of little pinpricks of light.
I closed my eyes….and dreamed about probably the most terrifying and intimidating subject there is.

I found myself at a doctor’s. Rather than one of the examination rooms, I was in the actual office of the M.D. There was a feeling of cold and uneasiness in the room, despite the heater being on….I could tell by the large amount of empty boxes of tissues that a lot of crying took place in the room…Almost like a jumpcut in a movie, The doctor suddenly walked in with a sullen expression on his face….and simply said these words.

Doctor: “I’m afraid I don’t have any good news to tell you….It pains me to tell you this but……..you’re HIV-positive….and it already progressed into AIDS.”

Despite the fact that I’m terrified of contracting HIV in real life, It wasn’t the fact alone that I had AIDS in my dream that freaked me out so much, rather it was to constant albatross around my neck that was the concept of death and dying. What is death? What does it mean? As someone who both believes in God or some kind of higher power and is an agnostic at the same time, I believe in an afterlife or reincarnation. However, just like any other agnostic, I question my beliefs. I kept asking myself, what if I’m wrong. What if there is no Heaven? Or Hell for that matter? Is everything I’ve been taught about where we go after death all lies? I just couldn’t grasp it, Death defined as the absolute end, the cessation of consciousness and life. Total blackness, like someone pulling the cord to a TV and not plugging it back in for the rest of forever. A dreamless sleep, except you never wake up. The horror of that idea was multiplied ten-fold realizing the fact that death is one of the only things that a person is entitled to. It happens to everyone and everything in the universe and there is no way to stop it from coming eventually. Being 46 years old, I wondered how long I had left to live. Do I have 46 more years left? Will I live to see 92 or more? Will scientists invent ways to make people immortal in the future?

And among the chaos…I heard a buzzing sound….and a happy little xylophone tune…

I groggily opened my eyes. The first thing I noticed was that the blackness that was night was replaced by a beautiful mixture of red, orange, purple, pink, and finally, blue. The sunrise. I stood up, picked up the ringing cell phone and without looking to see who it was, and I answered it.

Logan: “Uggghhhh…..Hello?”

It was a Butler.

Black Stallion Butler: “Hey Logan! I’m calling you as a messenger from Silas….the script is done and shooting will take place sometime next week. Probably next Saturday.
Logan: “That’s good….why couldn’t Silas call me in person?”
Black Stallion Butler: “He’s busy consulting with a wardrobe designer about what you’re gonna wear.”
Logan: “Alrighty, then.”
Black Stallion Butler: “How are things, Logan?”
Logan: “Well….I figured if I take a piss and it don’t burn, I’m one step ahead of the game.”

My comment made the butler laugh a little.

Black Stallion Butler: “Okay….I’ll call you if I hear any more info!”

Caught up in my duties as a college professor, I pretty much totally forgot about how I “inspired” Silas to start making a new Black Stallion Studios movie starring me (or rather, Matt Manchester.) At least it’ll give me something to look forward to all this week….
As I tried to enjoy my Saturday, I just couldn’t stop thinking about that goddamn dream. Or rather the impending reality that was the subject matter of it. Not HIV/AIDS, but death. Death. The permanent, unavoidable, and irreversible cessation of life….no one is safe from it, it will happen to every single living thing, no matter how healthy and how hardy.

Logan: “Fuck….It can’t happen to me…….but it will…….”

With so many unanswered questions, it’s really no wonder why I fucking HATE talking about that subject.

The following day, I was requested to go to the corporate office of Black Stallion Studios in downtown Sunset Valley to go over some last minute preparations for the movie, one of which was trying on my costume. I walked into the empty office room and there stood an eccentric looking woman with very dark skin and short blonde hair. She was holding a small duffel bag.

Wardrobe Lady: “You must be Logan! Hi! I’m the clothing designer that Silas Muller hired. I got an outfit here that I would like you to try on to just make sure that it fits well.”

The wardrobe girl walked out of the room and I opened the duffel bag….The contents were quite….surprising.

Logan: “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!”

I put my hand in the bag to pull out this huge, hideous, hot pink puffy shirt and a matching thong studded with rhinestones. It looked like fucking lingerie for Lane Bryant models. Of course, I tried it on. JUST for laughs. I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t get over how goddamn ridiculous I looked! I just lost all control pissed myself laughing.

Silas heard my bellowing laugh from across the hallway and walked into the empty office. What he saw did not amuse him one bit.

Silas: “What the hell are you wearing?!”
Logan: “Uh….my costume?”
Silas: “WHAT?! I specifically told her that it’s a medieval fantasy theme! Not some kind of......drag show!”
Logan: “Well if it’s a medieval fantasy theme, then maybe I’m supposed to be a fairy!”

I laughed at my little quip, however Silas was fuming.

Silas: “That’s it! Get that awful, horrific…..THING off! That woman is fired! Where is she!?”

Si stormed out of the room and tracked down the wardrobe designer and the both of them started a shouting match of the ages. With Silas yelling at her, screaming that she has no idea what she’s doing and the wardrobe chick screaming that he just doesn’t understand what he’s looking for. Eventually, it came to the point that Silas didn’t have to fire her. She simply screamed “Fuck you, Silas! I QUIT!”. In record time, Silas found another wardrobe designer that had a better grasp on what he was looking for.

The weekdays that followed were a true example of a man living two lives at once. From 8:00AM to 4:00PM, I was teaching all of my classes and by nightfall, I was rehearsing for the new Black Stallion Studios flick starring me. I know it sounds fucking PATHETICALLY cliche, but that week I truly felt like I was a well-respected college professor by day and a gay porn star by night. Now I don’t mean to brag, but when it comes to Black Stallion movies…..I’m kind of a method actor. I try to follow the script, but I end up ad-libbing and Silas usually likes the end result.

 

[xboxfan34]

And before I could even blink, Sunday had come. I drove to the address that Silas gave me where the shooting was going to take place. The place itself was pretty impressive to say the least, just being there made me feel like I was back in time to the land of dungeons and dragons.

Logan: "I got to admit, Si. I’m impressed! In less than a week’s time, you managed to find the most medieval-looking farmhouse in southern California."
Silas: "Well the search wasn’t easy, my boy. But the owners of this farmhouse have been very accommodating! Very, very nice people, they are."
Logan: "I met them about a half hour ago, they seem like really classy people. Are you sure that they won’t mind that…basically a gay porno is going to be shot at their house?"
Silas: "Not at all! They’re even letting us set up a dressing room inside the guest room of the house! Let’s go inside."

Upon entering the house, I was taken aback by how….authentic it looked! Stone floor, stone walls, precious antique furniture, oil lamps, chandeliers that use candles instead of lightbulbs….If it wasn’t for the giant plasma-screen TV, the Xbox 360 that was on the floor beside the fireplace, and the various power outlets on the walls, I would imagine that this was taken right out of Feudal Europe!

Silas: "What’s really surprising about this house is how new it is! It was actually built in 2003!"
Logan: "You’re kidding, right? That makes the house only ten years old!"
Silas: "No, I am not! The owners basically told me that they specifically wanted the house to look old and have a medieval castle theme. The dressing room is upstairs and it’s the door with your name on it."

Upon walking through the door that was labeled “Logan Hardwick/Matt Manchester” I was greeted with a room that was completely different than the rest of the house. In an extremely stark contrast to the medieval theme of the rest of the homestead, the room was decorated with all-white walls and modern-looking furniture going for a post-modern style, not dissimilar to my own abode. I soon noticed that my costume was laid out on the bureau. It consisted of a teal/aquamarine doublet, a pair of white spandex, fur boots, and underneath that all is a fur G-string. Much more in tune to what kind of theme Silas is going for than a tacky fuchsia puffy shirt. I tried on the outfit, and did a few poses. I have to admit, It looked really good on me! I definitely resembled sort of an Errol Flynn-esque Robin Hood motif.

I walked downstairs to meet Si by the kitchen of the house. For some odd reason….the pang of what I had dreamt about a week ago had come back the minute I saw Silas….I held my head as it began to hurt a little.

Silas: “Nice to see you again Logan…or should I say ‘Matthew’ The owners of the house said that we can have as many drinks as we want from the bar.”
Logan: “That’s good to know….I could really use a cold one.”
Silas: “Something bothering you, Logan?”

I took a sip of the olde worlde style Mead that Silas poured me and set it down on the bar. I shrugged and reclined on the granite counter of the bar.

Logan: “Have you ever thought about….death?”
Silas: “Death?”
Logan: “Yeah. I just can’t stop thinking about it for some reason. I mean, what IS death? What does it truly, really mean?”
Silas: “Why must you know?”
Logan: “I…I don’t know…I just….I had a dream last week. In my dream, I was getting tested for AIDS and it came back positive….but it wasn’t THAT which scared the fuck out of me, it was the idea of impending death….and what death really means. I mean, the END, the complete cessation of life, lights out forever…….Goddamn did that fucking scare me. I felt like I was skydiving without a goddamn parachute and I was falling at a million miles an hour.”

Silas took a sip of his drink, then laid it down on the counter. I began to regret bringing it up into the conversation, seeing as how Silas is in an advanced age at seventy-seven. I assumed that death is NOT something he would want to dwell on, being an old man.

Silas: “I wouldn’t read too much into it…I mean, I personally believe that death is really nothing to fear. Regardless of whether an afterlife exists or not, it’s a natural part of life…..As much as I do believe that good people go to heaven regardless of their sexuality or their religious beliefs, and bad people go to the hell that they deserve….I’ve basically came to the conclusion that if there is an afterlife, great. If this is all we have and it’s lights-out forever after we die, then so be it. I stopped worrying about going to Hell for my being a homosexual a long time ago….despite the fact that….you-know-who keeps harassing me.”

I know damn well who “you-know-who” is. Black Stallion Studios actor-turned evangelical Christian Brian Morton. Back when he was an actor, he used his birth name, Antonio Baroncelli. A handsome, muscular, Italian-American muscle daddy, He was definitely a fan-favorite. Unlike me, he did actual porn videos as well as posing and muscle worship vids. Usually it was him on top fucking the living shit out of effeminate twinks. He would bottom on occasion, though. I met him a few times during my first year as a Butler and a model back in 2009. He seemed like a really nice guy and he was really good looking….and I did have a bit of a crush on him….I never had the gumption to ask him if he was single, let alone asking him to go out with me.

Then one day, he quit and disappeared….Only to find out the truth about what happened just mere months later. He willingly admitted himself into a Christian ex-gay conversion therapy camp and was reborn as a “straight man”. Also, he supposedly converted from a Roman Catholic to a Baptist, legally changed his name from Antonio Baroncelli to Brian Morton, and later became a pastor at his local Baptist church. There are plenty of YouTube videos of him preaching these horrifically anti-gay sermons, saying that homosexuals need to be saved from their sin and that parents need to force their gay sons or lesbian daughters into ex-gay conversion therapy. Despite all of that, he does sometimes acknowledge his past as a gay porn star …albeit not in a positive light at all. The only reason why he would reveal his past to his congregation is to show how God absolved him from the “disgusting sin of homosexuality.”

Of course, I have been told many times that I should hating Antonio/Brian with every fiber of my being. I DO hate what he’s doing, but I really feel bad for him, though. Because of the fact that his father really didn’t accept him, Antonio obviously never was able to accept himself as a gay man and thought that living a lie and going back into the closet was the only way for him to redeem himself in his father's eyes. Looking back now, I really regret not saying anything to him. I could have been there to support him, I could have told him that being gay IS normal….I could have helped him go from a self-loathing gay man to a self-loving gay man.

Logan: “Si, I really wouldn’t pay attention to him anymore. You tried to make Antonio realize that he was going down the wrong path, he willingly ignored you. He’s sadly a lost cause at this point.”
Silas: “I know….It’s a shame though….he was one of my best men….”

After the conversation was over, I heard a knock on the door and of course, I answered it. At first, I assumed that it was the owner of the house coming back to get something or that the camera crew had finally arrived. Believe me, it was pretty surprising to open the door and see a woman standing there with a horse.

Woman: “I’m guessing you’re……Matt Manchester?”
Logan: “Uhh….yeah…..”
Woman: “Is Silas there? I need him to sign this release.”
Logan: “Hold on one minute…..Si?!”

Silas walked to the doorway, and smiled when he saw who was at the door. It was pretty freakin’ obvious that he was in on something that I had absolutely no idea about.

Logan: “Silas, what is a horse doing here?”
Silas: “Well…um…..Okay…I will tell you. I thought that having a horse in the background would make the shot look more…realistic……”
Logan: “Si, I know you…..there is more to this that you’re not telling me."
Silas: “Okay….you forced it out of me….I had this idea about having you ride a horse in one of your videos. A lot of people in our audience think that guys that ride horses are sexy…It’s just an experiment that I wanted to try, please understand.”
Logan: “I get it, but the last time I rode a horse was…..God, it had to be at least three years ago at the least. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be involved in this but, You should have given me a little bit of warning, Si. I would have taken a crash course in horseback riding.”
Woman: “There really is no need. Apollo here is very, very well trained! A bomb could explode nearby, and he wouldn’t even blink. He is a nine-year-old Suffolk Punch draft horse, in case you’re wondering…And according to the script, Apollo is your beloved war horse, having survived many campaigns during your time as a warrior.”

I walked around to the back of the house where the shot was going to take place. I got to admit, just like the rest of the house, it looked very authentic. And yes, I know I said that a lot in this entry….There were haystacks surrounding the perimeter and a rustic-looking carriage where Apollo was standing….Shooting was going to begin any minute as the camera crews set up….As soon as they were done, I took a deep breath….closed my eyes…and Logan Hardwick was no more….I had morphed into Matt Manchester.

After shooting wrapped up, I became Logan Hardwick once again. I knew that it wasn’t 100% over because of the fact that it has to go through editing and post production before it can finally be released. An edited, free version will be posted on the Black Stallion Studios XTube and PornHub channels. The full version will be released on Blu Ray and Digital Download on the Black Stallion Studios site for $10.99.

So anyway, around 6:00PM I went upstairs to put my clothes back on. As soon as I buttoned up my jeans, I heard my phone ring. And to my surprise, I found out that it was my mother. At first, I wasn’t worried because she usually calls me at least once a week. I figured that this time shouldn’t be any different and so I picked up the phone.

Logan’s Mother: “Hi Logan! How are you? I’m calling to let you know that….Daddy had his proctologist appointment today…(sighs) the doctor said that they found an nodule in his rectum that looked ‘suspicious’….It could be nothing, but they’re taking extra measures to make sure it’s not anything serious….I’m just letting you know…..Bye.”

As I pressed the button that hangs up the phone….l suddenly felt the pang of anxiety towards death return….

 

[xboxfan34]

MEDIEVAL MUSCLE by Black Stallion Studios

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Eight: The Family Secret

I…honestly don’t know how to feel right now.....To describe what happened to me in not too many words, I discovered something that was kept a secret from me my entire eighteen year existence. It’s not a good secret, not in the fucking least.

It all started when Dad had asked me to clean out the attic for him. Like most kids my age, I don’t really like doing chores, but you know what? I don’t have a job, my parents pay for my schooling, so I really, really owe it to them. As I was about to undo the hatch leading up to the attic...I heard a certain someone call for me.
Denise: “Ryan? RYAN!!”

Ryan: “What, Denise?”
Denise burst out of her room, wearing a frilly, pink taffeta dress, butterfly wings, a blonde wig that came with one of her Disney princess play sets, and a cardboard crown from Burger King. She was also holding one of those toy light-up magic wands that she got for Christmas.
Denise: “I WANT YOU TO PLAY FAIRY PRINCESS TEA PARTY WITH ME!!”
Ryan: “I’m sorry, Denise. But I can’t.”
Denise: “BUT RYAN!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!! YOU KILLED THE FIRE BREATHING DRAGON AND SAVED ME!!!!!”

Ryan: “Listen…Denise…baby...I have to clean the attic out for Daddy so I can’t play fairy princess with you right now. But I’m gonna make you a deal. You let me do what I need to do without any issues and I PROMISE you, we will play Mario Party 8 on the Nintendo Wii together later, sound good?”
Denise: “Okay! I love you Ryan!!”

Denise responded to my proposition with a big hug.

Ryan: “Awww…I love you too Denise.”

I absolutely love my sister and I do enjoy playing together, but here is the thing, she knows I’m gay. My parents explained it to her when I came out of the closet. She, for the most part doesn’t care that I like boys instead of girls. However, since she found out, she’s been wanting to do all of these girl things with me, like playing “fairy princess tea party”. She constantly asks me to join her in playing with Barbie dolls and there were a few times when she(and I kid you not) gives me makeovers when I’m studying or watching TV. I’m NOT making this up, I’ll be sitting there relaxing on the couch and it doesn’t matter if I have friends over or not. She’ll come over to where I am, carrying all of these cosmetics and she’ll just stand there and put foundation powder on me, she’ll put blush on me, she’ll put baby blue eye shadow on me, and she’d even paint my toenails pink! I was her lab rat. And of course, my parents think it’s just SO adorable....

Denise doesn’t yet understand that sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things. I may be homosexual, but I'm not transgender. I identify myself as my biological sex, a male. I plan to explain that to Denise when she’s old enough to understand.

As horrible as it sounds…there are times when I wish that I had a brother instead of a sister. I feel like I would have more in common with a little bro than a little sis, as much as I ADORE Denise.

I made my way up to the attic. It wasn’t really THAT messy, but I could tell that it needs to be re-organized and dusted. Not much was up here…just a few pieces of disused furniture, an old armoire that had Mom’s wedding dress and Dad’s wedding tuxedo stored in it, and various shelves and storage places filled with all kinds of old shit. In the corner of the attic, I saw what looked like an antique toy chest. At first, I didn’t think about raiding the container, but curiosity got the better of me.

Before you get any “creepy baby doll possessed by Satan” ideas, it wasn’t anything like that…What was in there though…was something that my parents hid from me and Denise…and was to be eventually forgotten in time…

I opened the chest, and inside was all sorts of baby items. There were bottles, pacifiers, blankets, baby toys, a copy of What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and an assortment of onesies in the chest with designs on them like dinosaurs, trucks, and X-Men. Judging from the design, I assumed they were all from when I was a baby.

I dug deeper into the chest to uncover a picture of me, just mere minutes after I was born. Now I’m going to be frankly honest, I wasn’t a good looking baby. Judging from the picture, I had barely any baby fat so you could easily see my ribcage, also I was very pale and seemingly lifeless…and my eyes were closed. To be brutally honest, I looked like an aborted fetus….(For such a sickly and pallid baby, I sure turned out to be the opposite) There was also another thing that was amiss…

Ryan: “The camera that took this picture must have been screwed up, because the date is totally wrong. I was born June 5th, 1995….And here, it says August 17th, 1999.”

Digging deeper and deeper into the chest, I finally hit bottom. It was then that I found a normal standard-fare American Greetings card. I expected that it would be an “It’s a boy! Congratulations!” card that mom kept because she liked it so much……It was a sympathy card……

Ryan: “What the hell is this sympathy card doing here? Last time I checked, having a baby was a joyous experience….Let’s see what it says here….. ‘We didn’t get to know you, our little pride and joy. But very much, we will miss you, our little angel boy. Our arms are empty, our hearts filled with pain. We’re searching for an answer, understanding we will gain. We only need a minute, Lord. We know he’s safe with you. But here is something important that we didn’t have time to do. If you could do it for us, Lord, here is a message that he should know. Tell him that we love him, Lord, then we’ll let him go.………Rest in Peace…..little Benjamin Cody Carlson’…...What the fuck? Who the hell is Benjamin…..Wait, that means………..No…..oh…no…......i-...it can't be...."

I dropped the card.

The shocking realization left me completely numb. I began to feel woozy and lightheaded as a swiftly moved away from the chest….I lost footing and nearly stumbled down….my mouth began to fill with saliva, I became dizzy…..Soon, it felt like my eyes were on fire….I was on the verge of bawling my eyes out…..That’s when I saw Dad. The chest being wide open and me holding my head, reclining against the wall was a dead giveaway to what happened.

Robert: “(sigh) So you know……I always knew this day would come, but I have always feared it.”

Dad led me downstairs to the living room where he hugged me tightly in order to console me as I hyperventilated…..He sat me down….and began to let out his inner demons.

Robert: “Ryan….son…..I’m sure you’re having trouble processing this, but I’m afraid to tell you that it is true. You had a younger brother named Benjamin….that is no longer with us.”
Ryan: “(sniff) Wha…What….happened to him? How….did he die?”
Robert: “…..It was back in January of ’99. Your mom and I shared a romantic moment together in the Jacuzzi outside….and of course that was when Benjamin was conciev-“
Ryan: “I get it, Dad.”

Dad continued on.

Robert: “Just a month later….on Valentine’s Day to be exact, your mom discovered that she was pregnant again. Of course, we were overjoyed because we always wanted another baby….And for a while, things were okay….the pregnancy seemed to have progressed normally…That is, until her third gynecologist appointment where the doctor said that the baby’s heart and brain activity was compromised and that there was a chance that he could be born with some brain damage...That was a risk that me and your mother were willing to take…..(sniff) I’m sorry, Ryan.”

Dad began to tear up, but he dabbed his eye with a Kleenex.

Robert: “Mom wasn’t due until September of 1999, but almost an entire month too early, her water broke. She was rushed to the hospital, where the doctor found out that the baby was in really bad shape....so they did an emergency cesarean section where they cut her open down the middle of her baby bump, instead of to the side….Benjamin was successfully delivered, but he wasn’t crying and was barely breathing…The doctors…were very pessimistic, they put him in oxygen and did an EEG….and found there was very little brain activity….Both sides of the family held out hope that a miracle was going to happen….. It never did. Just like the doctors expected…..Just after a mere 30 minutes after he was born…..(sniff)…..Benjamin was….he was dead.….”
Ryan: “I…was four years old when this took place…..did I ever ask what had happened?”
Robert: “We just told you….’I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re going to have a new baby after all.’ And that was it…you simply said ‘That stinks!’ We didn’t….we didn’t have the heart to tell you that your baby brother had passed…I’m so sorry, Ryan…”
Ryan: “I don’t blame you, Dad…..Benjamin was just as much your son as he was my bro.”

As Dad began to tear up, I put my arm around him and did my best to console him, despite the fact that I needed some real consoling myself…God….

Robert: “That whole experience was so painful for Mom….that she said she never wanted to have another baby ever again…Of course, three years later, that notion went out the window when she got pregnant again, with Denise…..Sometimes, I can’t help but think…..If Benjamin hadn’t died, and he was still alive today, would we still have had Denise? Is the only reason why your sister was even born was because Benjamin died?”
Ryan: “I just feel so terrible right now.”
Robert: “Why?”
Ryan: “Before I cleaned out the attic for you, Denise was begging me to play tea party with her fairy princess dolls...And I said to myself…that I sometimes wish that I had a little brother instead of a sister….Now to find out…….that I HAD a brother….(sniff)….that didn’t even get a chance at life…..”
Robert: “I know….son….I know….”

After spending the rest of the day trying not to make anybody suspicious when it comes to what I had just found out, by nighttime I went into my room, shut the door and just laid there on my bed in the dark. It had to have been the 98th time today that I went through the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Mourning. Denying what happened, Being pissed off at God for what happened, asking God for me to have my little bro back, being depressed about it….and finally accepting what happened…As I laid there, Denise suddenly burst into my room at full speed.

Denise: “Ryan! I thought that we were gonna play Mario Party!”
Ryan: “I’m sorry Denise, but I’m just not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow.”
Denise: “You promised! You freakin’ promised, Ryan!”

I looked into Denise’s eyes and saw a mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment. I thought about what Dad said about the possibility of Denise not even existing if Benjamin had survived…I swallowed my tears, and played with her.

Ryan: “Alright Denise, You win. Let’s play!”

 

[xboxfan34]

Pretty soon, it was Thursday. History of Sociology with my absolute favorite professor, Logan Hardwick. Under normal circumstances, I’d spend half of the class taking notes and making sure I understand the material, and the other half fantasizing about stripping off those tight khaki pants he usually wears, and boning him hard in the rear….Not today though…..Half my brain was focused on taking notes, while the other half was preoccupied with the truth about what happened to my brother, Benjamin Carlson.

Then I realized something, I think on either the first or second day of class. Professor Hardwick actually said to us, and I remember this perfectly, “If you ever need any sort of advice on anything, feel free to talk to me anytime and I promise you I will listen to you with an open mind and an open heart.” I made the decision to take advantage of that little proposition he made today after class.

Once all of my classmates rushed out to get where they need to get to, I remained in the classroom and approached Professor Hardwick's desk...

Ryan: “Professor?”
Logan: “Hey, Ryan! What’s up, dude?
Ryan: “Is it okay if I talk to you about something that’s been bothering me all week?”
Logan: “Sure, Ryan. But we should talk in my office. There’s going to be another class in here in about five minutes.”

I followed Professor Hardwick to his office. It was a small, yet cozy room with your standard office needs such as a computer, but there was a comfortable looking leather sofa against one of the walls and a healthy amount of motivational posters that were decorating the walls. I sat down on the sofa and Prof. Hardwick sat right next to me, just mere inches away from me.

Logan: “So….what’s up? Talk to me.”
Ryan: “Well….Let’s just say that on Sunday, I discovered something that was and was supposed to be kept a secret from me my entire life….I’m sure you remember me saying that I live with my little sister, Denise when we talked about birth order and the family model…”
Logan: “Yeah, I remember! I still laugh when I picture all the funny stories you've told about you and her in class!”
Ryan: “Yeah….Well...on Sunday, I discovered that….I actually have, well HAD a younger brother….named Benjamin…..He…technically wasn’t stillborn, but he died only a half-hour after birth back in 1999.”

After I said that, I could see all of the color drain from his face in shock. His eyes scanned around the room, trying to find something to say….all he managed to squeak out was…

Logan: “Oh my God…”
Ryan: “My parents have kept that a secret from me for fourteen years exactly. And now that I know the truth….I just don’t know what the fuck to feel. I’m really sad about the whole thing, and yet…if Benjamin was still alive, there could be a possibility that lovely sister Denise would have never been born…”

Logan: “Ryan….I know that you feel horrible about this whole thing…and I know how tragic it is to lose someone close to you, especially someone who you never met, but would have loved….Loss is never easy. I mean....at this point, only time will tell what will happen to my Dad…”
Ryan: “What’s wrong with your Dad?”
Logan: “Doctors found a suspicious nodule during his last colonoscopy. It can basically go one of two ways….It might be nothing, and it might be rectal cancer.”
Ryan: “Oh man….I’m so sorry, Professor.”
Logan: “Thank you, Ryan….”

I decided it was time for me to go home, I stood up and was about to give Prof. Hardwick a firm, manly handshake. He shook my hand back, but he yanked me by the arm and pulled me into a comforting hug…

Ryan: “Thanks so much, Professor Hardwick, for everything….You know something, you’re my favorite professor….”
Logan: “Awww, you’re welcome!”
Ryan: “I might not be that religious, but I’ll definitely pray for your Dad.”
Logan: “Thank you so much…See you next Thursday!!”

Back in the beginning of the semester, all I wanted to do was fuck the living shit out of Prof. Hardwick…but now, I feel that I am falling more and more in love with him as a person. He truly is a kind-hearted and selfless person that would give the shirt off his back and the socks off his feet for someone in need. He really is a beautiful person both inside and outside….brutally handsome, jacked beyond belief, and most importantly, a amazing personality. Trust me, if Professor Hardwick was an asshole, I wouldn’t like him AT ALL. Just the fact alone that he is such a wonderful human being makes him so much more attractive to me…..

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Nine: Fatherly Love

Well, today is Friday….Under normal circumstances, Friday is my absolute day of the week, but something was keeping this Friday in particular from being my favorite day…..It had been approximately six days since I starred in Si’s latest video, but also….it was six days since I found out about my father’s health scare…

As of now, the tests they did on the biopsy they took from one of the growths came back inconclusive…He is due to return to the doctor’s office in a few days so they can take another biopsy and do more tests. All I know is that it could go one of two ways, either he does have cancer or he doesn’t. These past few days have really reinforced the old saying “The waiting is the hardest part.” For both my family and I and I feel it is only appropriate that make the trip out to Alhambra, CA to go visit my parents after work today.
However…I have always been pretty leery to see my folks....The reason why I’m that way is because…..My dad is a little “resentful” of me. I mentioned before in a previous entry that my old man never really approved of me being a bodybuilder back in the day. As expected, he also doesn’t really approve of me being a porn star/male model for Black Stallion Studios. He always wanted me to do “real man’s work” like becoming a firefighter or a cop and he constantly tells me that I have so much "potential for greatness" that I’m wasting away.

It’s approximately a 2 1/2 hour drive from Sunset Valley to Los Angeles. Seeing as how Alhambra is 8 miles away from Downtown LA, the drive is pretty much the same distance. Within that timeframe, I arrived at my parent’s home. Pulling into the driveway, I noticed that there was a green Chevy Malibu parked there. I knew right away that it wasn’t going to be just me and my parents…..Stacy, my little sister was there and I assumed that Emilio, my brother-in-law was also there too.

There’s a huge age difference between Stacy and I. Almost eleven years! I can’t really say that me and Stacy were close in the beginning. Trust me, I don’t think an 18-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl have much in common. We really didn’t become really close until I was in my late 20s and she was a teenager. At that point, I felt like I could give her advice on what to do in certain adolescent situations concerning friends, peer pressure, et cetera.
Stacy is currently 35 years old and a few years ago, married her longtime boyfriend Emilio Torres. Despite his name, he's actually not completely Latino. His father is Mexican, but his mother is 100% Italian. My brother-in-law's a really nice guy, treats Stacy very well, and is an extremely good-looking guy to boot with powerful teal eyes, facial stubble, and big muscles. In many ways, Emilio is the brother I never had. However here’s the thing that annoys me a little bit. It has nothing to do with Emilio personally rather it has to do with how my father treats him. He has a very good relationship with Emilio and treats him like a second son, and guess what? Emilio is….(insert drumroll here) A BODYBUILDER! Not a professional bodybuilder but still a bodybuilder! And not only that, Dad completely supports him! It completely confirms that Dad doesn’t have a problem with all bodybuilders like I initially thought, he only has a problem with ME being one, for some odd reason.

I got out of my car and walked to the front door of the house. I inhaled a deep breath in preparation of whatever was to come. Part of me already knew that my father and I were going to argue about something or another….I only wonder what the topic of choice was going to be.

I knocked on the door.

The door swiveled open and I was greeted with the warm, tender embrace of my mom, Holly Hardwick. She didn’t seem distraught or in any sort of distress, however I felt a pang of worry and anticipation from her, I viewed that as a sign that the doctor didn’t call or anything like that.

Holly: Logan….It’s so good to see you!
Logan: Hello Mom. It’s good to see you too.

I walked into Mom and Dad's large home and saw Stacy and Emilo in the dining room. As soon as they both saw me, Stacy instantaneously got up, ran over to me and gave me a massive hug.

Stacy: “Oh my God! HI!!!”
Logan: “How are you Stacy?”
Stacy: “I’m fine!”

I greeted Emilio with a firm handshake. I don’t know why, but Emilio just isn’t a fan of hugs….Every time I try to give him a friendly, brotherly hug he always is reluctant to hug me back or he outright says “No, don’t.” I highly doubt it has anything to do with me being gay because he said many times that he supports me. I personally think it's a masculinity issue that makes hugging other men so uncomfortable to him, but who knows?

Logan: “Hey, Emilio.”
Emilo: “’Sup dude? I wish we were meeting here under better circumstances….”
Logan: “I know….”

Logan: “So….let’s get down to business…..where’s Dad?
Holly: “He’s upstairs in our room watching TV…..Logan I don’t know what to do with him anymore. Ever since he found out about the nodule in his rectum, he’s been in a constant state of depression. I keep trying to tell him what the doctor told me, that nine times out of ten, it’s usually nothing serious and that it could be nothing more than a little cyst or a polyp. Hell, the doctor flat-out told him he doesn't think it's cancer! He just wants to to a biopsy to make sure! All he says back to me is that ‘Oh that’s what they all say, it’s bullshit to keep you calm.’ I’m hoping that maybe you, his son can be able to talk a little sense into him.”
Logan: “I’ll do my best.”

I climbed the staircase and approached the doorway leading to my mother and father’s bedroom. As I opened the door, I found Dad lying on the bed watching the Maury show on TV...The minute I walked in, he stared me down with his sharp eyes….I recognized those eyes as my own. You see, I’m basically the spitting image of my father in his younger years. Find a picture of him at 46, compare it to me and we basically look like twins….
The staredown between my father and I was 10 seconds, I knew that as a fact but it felt more like 10 lifetimes. Finally, I got the courage to speak up.

Logan: “Hi, Dad…..”
Bill: “Well, well…..look who it is…Mr. Big Shot Muscle Mantook the time out to visit his old man….”

Logan: “Come on, Dad….how long has it been has it been since I quit pro-bodybuilding? Eleven years!”
Bill: “Logan, I love you. I really do, but if there is one thing that I find undesirable about you, it’s the fact that you were a juicehead! Why the fuck couldn’t you do real man’s work like I did?! I mean, goddamn it’s not like you’re physically unable! Why the hell couldn’t you become a cop? Why couldn’t you become a firefighter? What the hell could you have possibly seen in selling out your body like some kind of cheap whore?!”
Logan: “DAD! Bodybuilding is NOT selling out your body like a cheap whore!”
Bill: “Let’s see, you’re basically making yourself extremely muscular, you flex in front of hundreds of people basically wearing next to fucking nothing and you get paid for it! And especially what you’re doing today with that... “Black Stallion Studios” thing, If that’s not selling your body out, then I don’t know what is!”
Logan: “By the way, don’t make accusations about me that aren’t true. I NEVER did steroids.”
Bill: “Yeah, that’s what they all say, then one by one they all start dropping like flies of heart problems in their 40s and 50s brought on by years of self-abuse.”
Logan: “Well guess what? I never did ‘roids so you’re going to see me live much longer than you would expect.”

Dad went silent, a sign that he didn’t want to discuss bodybuilding anymore. He then broke eye contact, stared at the ceiling and began to talk to me indirectly.

Bill: “You know….I’ve always said that life ain't fair….but I never expected it would hit me head-on like this…I worked my ass off in construction for thirty-five years, made semi-decent money, and tried to be the best husband to Holly, and the best father to you and Stacy….I’ve done so much shit for you and everyone else and what is the thanks I get? I probably have cancer right now. Ass cancer of all things! God must have a real sense of humor….”
Logan: “Dad…please….God, everybody thinks the worst when it comes to things like that. Mom’s right, it probably is nothing more but a little cyst or a little polyp.”
Bill: “I’ll tell you the same thing that I told your mother…..Everybody hopes for the best, but it’s better to prepare for the worst. It’s not being pessimistic, it’s just being realistic.”
Logan: “On the outside chance that you do have……cancer….you’ll beat it. I know you, Dad. You’re a strong person.”
Bill: "Heh....not as strong as you apparently...I mean, you got the muscles, I don't."

Logan: “Dad, I also have something else to tell you and it's kind of important.”
Bill: “What is it?”
Logan: “When it comes to you disapproving of me being a bodybuilder….I want to know the truth. Is it because I’m gay?
Bill: “WHAT?!”
Logan: “Is the only reason why you never liked me being a pro-bodybuilder was because I am sexually attracted to men?”
Bill: “NO! Logan, it had nothing to do with that!”
Logan: “I don’t really know Dad, you weren’t exactly the most supportive guy on earth when I came out of the closet twenty-seven years ago!”

It’s true. I came out of the closet as gay when I was 19 years old back in 1986. Probably not the best time because around that time in the eighties, AIDS became a massive epidemic in the U.S, especially in the more gay areas of the states. I’ve known I was gay since I was 13-14 years old when all my friends were going after girls and I didn’t really like girls, I liked other boys....I also found myself attracted to beefcake magazines instead of Playboy centerfolds. Anyway, when I told my parents, my mother was educated about homosexuality being normal and was of course, cool with it. My Dad was a completely different story. He believed the bullshit that we were the cause of AIDS. We were also brought up very Catholic, so he told me that homosexuality was a sin and that it wasn’t natural. He then proceeded to tell me that if I keep being gay, then I’ll end up getting AIDS and dying. And then God will reject me into His Kingdom and I’ll be cast into Hell.
That’s real nice, eh?

It got to the point where Dad actually threatened to disown me. I remember exactly what he said “I’m sorry son, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to raise a queer sissy under my roof.” He never went through with the threat, but he didn’t really come to his senses until one day when our local parish priest came up to him after mass and said “Listen Bill, you shouldn’t admonish your son like you’re doing right now, God made him different for a reason.” He never said another homophobic thing to me again after that, however he did say “It’s probably just a passing phase.”…..So close and yet so far…..It took him until I was 23 years old to realize and accept that “the gay phase” wasn’t going to end.

Bill: “Logan…..I…..I’m so sorry…..I’m sorry that I didn’t accept you when you came out….However you need to keep in mind, it was a different world back in 1986…Back then, gays were a scapegoat the AIDS epidemic…I guess...I didn't know any better…But Logan, please hear me out, I’d take it all back if I could. I wish there was some way that I could make things right….”
Logan: “I’m really glad you’re telling me this. But you know what? That was the past and the past doesn’t matter anymore. Your past mistakes don’t define who you are.”

Dad looked at me…..and began to smile…..

Bill: “About this whole bodybuilding/gay porn thing…..I had feelings of disappointment, I felt like you were going to be a heroic, all-American, blue collar man like I was back in the day….but I shouldn’t be forcing you to enter a line of work that you’re not going to like…..It was wrong of me to disapprove of your career choice…..I shouldn’t have forced you to quit.”
Logan: “Dad, in the end it was my decision to quit pro-bodybuilding. That video you showed me really spoke to me and it inspired me to find a better line of work...”

Logan: “Dad, I’m really happy we had this talk…..It really helped the both of us.”
Bill: “I’m in agreement with you there. I love you, son……”

Dad got up out of bed and proceeded to give me a big, fatherly bear hug…..

Bill: “Before you leave, Your sister has something to say to you that I think you’re going to love.”

I walked downstairs to see my mother, Emilio and Stacy gathered around the large parlor of my parent’s house. They all had that look in their eyes that they were dying to know what went on in the fifteen minutes I was up there…..

Holly: “So how did it go?”
Logan: “It went very well….Stacy, Dad said that you had something to tell me.”
Stacy: “Well….I do…”

Stacy: “Logan….I guess that in about six or seven months’ time, you should start getting used to being called ‘Uncle Logan’”
Logan: “’Uncle Logan’? What do you mean? Wait…”

Then it hit me, and I had to admit, the delivery of the news was pretty clever. Not very obvious, and at the same time not too open ended where I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about.

Logan: “You mean to tell me that you….and Emilo….”
Stacy: “Yep! We’re finally going to have a BABY!!!”

Logan: “OH MY GOD!!! Congratulations, guys!
Emilio: “Thanks, man!”
Logan: “When are you due?”
Stacy: “In about seven months!”
Logan: “You have any idea what you’re going to name the baby?”
Emilo: “I was thinking about Sergio if it’s a boy and if it’s a girl, I’m thinking about naming her Holly after you and Stacy’s mother…..”
Logan: “Guys, I am literally not cognizant of how to tell you how absolutely happy I am for you….”

FOUR DAYS LATER

As it turns out, the Hardwick family was doubly blessed this weekend….Not only is my dear sister Stacy going to have her very first baby and I’m going to be an uncle for the very first time, the test results also came back for my dad. The upshot, my dad does NOT have rectal cancer. All the nodule is was a tiny little polyp and he’s going to have it treated real soon…..For once, I can confidently say with all of the honesty in my being that things really worked out for the better here…..

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Ten: Gay Pride and Gay Prejudice

Where do I begin with this? Okay, so a few days ago was Halloween….Mom and Dad had gone to a party, so I was left with the responsibility of taking Denise trick-or-treating. This Halloween, Denise was a fairy princess and unlike most years, I decided to dress up myself as a cowboy. For the most part, we had fun together. Denise seized the opportunity to talk to me about things that were going on in school with her. In the midst of our conversation, I got a text message from Mike DeHaviland. He was coming home from college for the weekend and he was interested in hanging out with me. I hadn’t talked to him in person since the end of August, so I said “yes”. I figured it would be nice to see him again.

Two days later, I drove over to his house to find him hanging out by the front porch, awaiting my arrival. I got out of my car and raced over to the front of the house. As expected, Mike was very happy to see me. It was a little awkward once I realized that I haven’t been over Mike’s house since July when we…did it.

Mike: “It’s so good to see you, Ryan!”
Ryan: “Likewise, man!”

Ryan: “So, how is school going for you? Do you like it? How are your classes?”
Mike: “Yeah, I do…My classes are going fine, I’m getting very good grades, Much better than I’ve ever had in High School. And I was in all honors classes Freshmen through junior year!”
Ryan: “Good…that’s very good.”
Mike: “Hey, do you want to go upstairs in my room and play some X-box?”
Ryan “Alright….I’m always down for that.”

I made my way upstairs to his bedroom, the very same room where a few months ago, Mike lost his virginity and I had made love to a man for the very first time of my life…We were about to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops, but then Mike interjected….

Mike: “Ryan, seeing as how we’re both alone…….I think we should have a drink! How does a Smirnoff Ice sound?”
Ryan: “Sounds good, I love wine coolers. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine.”
Mike: “Well…Smirnoff Ice is not really a wine cooler per se…..”
Ryan: “I get it…..but it still sounds good to me.”
Mike: “Okay, Smirnoff Ice it is! I’m gonna go down to the basement to get it…”

With those words said, I was soon all alone in his room….I’m usually the kind of person that respects a person’s personal belongings, I don’t have the right to go through another person’s things without their permission….Today was different though. On his clothes dresser, there was a leather bound book, which was weird because that was the only book in the entire room….I figured that it must be an interesting read if he kept it in his room close to him…

Curiosity ended up getting the better of me. I grabbed the book off the bureau, and opened it…

I flipped through the pages of the book and as soon as I saw the various dates on top of each page, I realized that this was Mike’s personal diary. I had absolutely no idea that Mike kept a diary, but then again, a diary is private so I totally understand if he wanted no one to know about it……I know, it is so fucking wrong that I’m reading it, but you know what? I’m his friend and we’re both gay men. He doesn’t need to keep secrets from me…..I decided to read the very first entry of the journal, Memorial Day, 2012.

Mike’s Diary: “May 28th, 2012- Happy Memorial Day…..Or whatever. Why the fuck did they make a national holiday that memorializes something really sad like all the fallen American soldiers? And to add insult to injury, we have family get-togethers, we have house parties, we have barbecues and all of that happy shit on this day….How disgusting is that, basically celebrating death? Goddamn….I know that everyone is going to say “Oh, we’re celebrating the life of those soldiers, not mourning their deaths…” but just the thought of celebrating and having a good time while these young men and women die in some desert overseas….It just doesn’t seem fair, of course life is unfair….I know that firsthand. How do I know, because God or whoever’s in charge for some reason decided to make me gay…I’m not going to go in detail about how the students in my school give me a shitload of shit for being gay and how my own fucking clique (the Goth kids) don’t want to fucking hang out with me anymore because of that…but yeah…you get the picture.
On a slightly happier note….The 1958 film Hercules with Steve Reeves was on today on the Classic Movie Channel or whateverthefuck it’s called. Steve Reeves….damn…..wouldn’t mind giving him one where the sun don’t shine, if you know what I mean….”

The line he wrote about the Hercules movie made me smile, seeing as how I’m in total agreement of him thinking Steve Reeves was a real hunk back in the day....I flipped through a few more pages to read another entry further foreward. This entry in particular was written on my eighteenth birthday.

Mike’s Diary: “June 5th, 2012- Guess what happened today at school….No really, guess. I’ll tell you what happened anyway. Fucking GuidoTron 3000 AKA Vinnie Rivera that bastard piece of shit fucking thought it would be real funny to write the word “fag” and draw about ninety dicks on my Chemistry notebook….What a cunt. He would be absolutely perfect for that shitty fucking show Jersey Shore. A show that basically confirms that American society really has declined quite a bit from 2009 to now. That show just completely reiterates everything that’s wrong with America today. Good, kind hearted people that care about other people are ridiculed while douchebags and bullies are honored. Bullying someone in school just gives you a slap on the wrist and a “don’t do it again” while true love and passion for your fellow man is looked down on like it’s murder…..Vinnie is also a fucking huge liar, he claims that he is 100% pure, off-the-boat Italian. BULL FUCKING SHIT, okay? Your last name is Rivera, Everybody knows damn fucking well that your father is fucking Hispanic…..Anyway, I shouldn’t let him bother me, just like I shouldn’t let the other jock douches bother me. Fucking Peter Curulewski, Jamie Fischer, Michael Greer, Tom Baskin and Ryan Carlson….Although Ryan is the only one that hasn’t done anything to bully me or attack me in any way….I’m sure he’s fucking homophobic like the rest of them, he’s probably more passive-aggressive about it.
Goodbye.”

I will admit, I laughed at the fact that he referred to Vinnie as GuidoTron 3000…I couldn’t think of a better insult to describe the fucker! Also, I found it somehow nice that he outright said that I was not one of the ones that was bullying him…Didn’t really appreciate him assuming I was homophobic because I was a jock myself….If only he knew at that point….

I went deeper and deeper into the book. For the most of summer 2012, he was pretty happy….he didn’t have to deal with people bullying him for being gay from the end of June to the beginning of September. However, August 31st was when the happy vibes all came crashing down. It was when he found out he was being placed in remedial classes.

Mike’s Diary: “August 31st, 2012- Great! JUST FUCKING GREAT! Guess what the fuck happened today?! My mother got a call from the guidance department from school. What they basically said was that due to my poor grades on the last quarter of junior year (I got a C- overall), the honors classes on my schedule have been nullified. Basically, that is a rosy and sugar coated way of saying that I have been kicked out of the honors program. My AP Statistics class, my Honors Biology, and my AP Eastern Civilization class, they’re all gone from my schedule and they’ve been replaced with Lower Level or LL classes in Mathematics, Science and History. To use less politically correct terms, I’m in retard classes. They also said that in order to even be considered for a reinstatement on the Honors roster for the final semester of high school, I need to get an A- or better in ALL of my classes. It’s just another sad reminder of how much my life fucking sucks. Everybody hates me for who I am, and I’m shooting down the only chance of me getting into a good college so I’ll have no future. Why should I go on?
FUCK LIFE.”

I flipped over to another page of the diary. This particular one didn’t have a date on it, but I assumed once reading it that it was around November of 2012. It seemed different than the others, the ink was a reddish dark brown color…..At first, I just thought it was another pen that he used, but it soon came to light what the “ink” was……

It was Mike’s blood.

And it wasn’t a diary entry either….

It was a suicide note.

Mike’s Diary: “It is finished. I am officially done. God most likely does not exist. If it turns out that He is real, than he surely has forsaken me and left me to live and die in this horrible life I was born with. A life where everybody hates me simply for existing. But you know what? It’s okay...To my Parents, I love you and care about you very much and I’m sorry you guys had to have a fag for a son….Because I have no friends to speak of, I will dedicate this part to the bullies on the Varsity Football Team. You won, okay? This is something you wanted me to do for a long time, well now it’s going to happen. I hope you fuckers are satisfied.”


The next page….

Mike’s Diary: “UPDATE- Apparently I’m too much of a fucking pussy to kill myself so here is to hoping that an anvil falls from the sky and crushes me to death.”

At this point, I was in tears…I knew that Mike was depressed around the first and second quarters of senior year and I knew he was cutting himself, but I had no idea that he was really THAT close to killing himself….I really do believe that I saved his life, many people say that Mike saved himself by finally accepting himself as gay and proud, but I believe full-on that I lent him a helping hand along the way. I flipped a few more pages, I needed to read about what his viewpoint was on December 21st, 2012…

Mike’s Diary: “December 21st, 2012- In many ways, today was both a bad day and a good day…Of course, It’s a good day because the Mayans or Aztecs or whatever was dead wrong about today being the end of the world…Here is the reason why it was a bad day for me, as I walked out of a classroom feeling somewhat good about myself (I found out that I scored a 95 average and was able to be reconsidered for the Honors Program) 5 out of the 6 douchebags were blocking the exit from the school building. They all surrounded me, grabbed me and threw me to the ground and proceeded to pull my hair. They were calling me names like “wimp”, “fag”, “limp-wrist”, “queer”, “homo”….you get the drill…GuidoTron went fucking Category Five Apeshit on me and told me to kill myself. I really do believe that Vinnie Rivera actually hates gay people and he’s not operating totally on peer pressure…..What made it a good day for me was that while Vinnie was beating the shit out of me, Ryan Carlson showed up, he grabbed Vinnie by the neck and fucking SLAMMED him to the ground and started to ream him a new asshole! The most good looking, and popular kid in the entire school came to the rescue of the Pariah of Sunset Valley Central High.
I’m not going to go all “MY HERO!!!” like a damsel in distress, but you know what…..as much as I fucking hate jocks…...It was very nice of Ryan to do that for me.”

I flipped a few more….

Mike’s Diary: “March 7th, 2013- So today, I found something out that I would have NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER X100 guessed in a million years. This came straight from the horse’s mouth. Ryan Carlson is gay. He told me that he was gay….Wow……That explains so much, it explains why out of all the jocks, he never bullied me. It explains why he was so quick to come to my rescue when Vinnie was beating me up and it explains why he was suddenly being so nice to me (we share a class together). At first I hated him even after he helped me because I thought he was just another straight piece of shit, but now that I find out that he’s actually gay....I really hope he is not giving me bullshit. If it’s true that he’s lying to me and he’s straight, then he can go fuck himself.
God, I fucking hate straight people, especially straight men. Every time I find out that a gay porn star is gay4pay, I will stop viewing his videos. They’re the reason why America is still is behind when it comes to gays being represented in society. If you don’t believe me, then riddle me this, why the fuck are there are about twenty female strip clubs in the city of Sunset Valley and only about two male strip clubs? One of which is for women only and the other one is 21+? (all of the female strip clubs are 18+) why the fuck is it so wrong for a man to wear a speedo at a beach or a county pool, but so right for a chick to wear pasties and a thong in such places? The answer to that is something known as HETERONORMATIVITY/HOMOPHOBIA. Caused by straight people.”

That passage got me pretty angry. If I was straight, I would without a doubt still be for gay rights. And now to find out that the only reason why he was so standoffish was because he thought I was straight...God….And that little tirade he went about how he hates all straight people and blames them for the reason why America still has a long ways to go until we’re on par with gay rights in Canada or parts of Europe. It’s not straight people, it’s all of the fucking Christian fundamentalist politicians that basically say “Fuck the Constitution, ‘Murica is a CHRISTIAN NATION!”

Suddenly, I froze as I heard the tinkling of glass bottles in a cardboard container and footsteps leading to the room….God, if I was living inside a comedy movie or a sitcom, this would be an absolute classic moment…I tried to serendipitously put the diary back on the bureau where I found it, but failed…

Mike: “Hey Ryan! What the hell are you doing?”
Ryan: “I’m not doing anything?”
Mike: “You were reading my fucking diary, weren’t you?”
Ryan: “Yes…..I admit it.”

Mike: “Ryan, that journal was supposed to be private, there are things in it that I don’t exactly want people to know about!”
Ryan: “Oh, how you hate straight guys?!”
Mike: “WHAT?”
Ryan: “Mike, I saw the entry, I know exactly what I read. You outright said that you hate straight people especially straight men and you would have never been my friend had I been straight. That is such bullshit.”

Mike began to get angry and got confrontative with me about what I had just said. Apparently, I struck some kind of nerve when I said that.

Mike: “You know what? If you want to know the truth, yeah. I DO hate straight men! THEY are the reason why homophobia still exists in this world! They’re the reason why lesbians are accepted in society, and gay men are still forced to stay in the closet!”
Ryan: “That’s not fucking true, the reason why homophobia still exists in America is because of the fucking conservative Christian fundamentalist clowns that are in politics that believe that there should be no separation between church and state!”
Mike: “Whatever, Ryan…we’re done discussing this...Just don’t read my diary again.”

After Mike said that, I decided that I should use my know-how in psychology and sociology in order to help out Mike. I really do not believe that he genuinely hates straight men, and that there is much more to this story than he is letting on in both his diary and with his words.

Ryan: “Mike, do you know what I really think?”
Mike: “What?”
Ryan: “I don’t really think you hate straight men....What I think is really going on is that you’re using straight men as a scapegoat...It’s not feelings of hatred that you’re experiencing, it’s resentment. Believe me, as a fellow gay man….I know what you’re going through. I may not outright say that I hate straight people, but there are times when I feel resentment and disappointment towards them…especially when I find out that a gay porn star or someone I have a crush on is straight…but it’s not the end of the world….Someone once told me this, “There are many fish in the sea, but he’s just not your Nemo.”
Mike: “Wow…..I have absolutely no idea how you are able to do it….Are you a psychic or something, Ryan? A clairvoyant? Or are you just that fucking good at profiling people? What you just said…..is EXACTLY how I feel….”
Ryan: “No one ever said that being gay is easy, anyone who does say that is full of shit….but one of the things that we must learn how to deal the difficulties.”

Mike paused for a while…After staring at me for a few seconds, I saw a tear fall from his eye…I knew what he needed at that point….I grabbed him by the shoulder, pulled him close to me, and held him close. Sometimes the best cure for depression is a hug from a good friend…..

 

[xboxfan34]

After our hug, Mike and I’s hangout session went on as it was planned, we had a toast over two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and spent the rest of the day playing Black Ops and HALO. Soon, it was time to come home…Right away, I knew something was amiss, there were no cars in the driveway, and not including mine of course….I approached the entrance to see that a paper note was left on the door….”Dear Ryan, we didn’t disappear off the face of the earth if that’s what you’re wondering. Daddy and I are visiting a friend and Denise is having a playdate with one of her friends. We will be back by 7.” I checked the clock on my phone; it was approximately 5:30PM. I had an hour and a half completely to myself, score one for Ryan Carlson!

I unlocked the front door to my house and out of habit, I checked every room just to make 100% sure that there was no one around except for me….As it turns out, no one was home, so I officially have one hour and thirty minutes of “me time” to go take care of some….things.

Ok, I’m gonna be brutally honest here, I’m gonna go up to my room and fap.

I made my way up the stairs to the top floor of the house, entered my room and locked the door….I then shut all of the blinds in my room, just to be safe….After making sure I was completely alone, I whipped out my iPhone….and went on my favorite porn site…YouFuck.com. There are many reasons why YouFuck is my favorite site for porn; they really made it so there is a lot of input by the users of the site. I mean, when you first go on, a big dialog box shows up saying “I AM A MAN/WOMAN AND I LIKE BABES/HUNKS” and when it comes to categories; what kind of gay porn you’re into, they actually allow you to mix and match categories. For example, on most gay porn sites “bodybuilders” and “bears” are separate categories. On YouFuck, it allows you to combine two categories. “bodybuilder bears”, “Latino twinks”…..you get the drill…..Anyway, My choice was “bodybuilder bears”.

The first video I saw piqued my interest immediately based on the title and the thumbnail picture, The Most Perfect Muscle Ass In The World and the thumbnail was as expected, a really nice ass. It was a slightly older video from approximately 2009-2010…When I saw that the video was made by Black Stallion Studios, that’s when I just knew it was going to be a good one, because BSS’s guys are among THE HOTTEST guys in the world, in my opinion….
So I unzipped my jeans, pulled out my big 12 incher, and pressed the play button….

The video started off with a scene depicting a pool. The camera was facing the ladder of the pool and it had to have been mounted on some kind of stand going into the pool because it seemed way too still for it to be someone swimming and holding it at the same time or for it to be on some kind of flotation device or whatever.

The next shot consisted of a muscular man in a red and yellow speedo coming into view and then climbing up the pool ladder, giving me a pretty fuckin’ good view of The Most Perfect Muscle Ass In The World….Let me tell you something, I thought that the video wasn’t going to live up to the title, but it did NOT disappoint at all!

The next scene was a slow-mo shot the man walking across the poolside, giving me a nice side view of his ass. The shot after that was a frontal shot of the man slowly scrolling up. Not only does the guy have a nice butt, he also had a pretty impressive bulge! Perfect thighs, perfect biceps, perfect abs….Then the video showed his face, bespectacled with dark sunglasses. His facial features were extremely rugged and masculine-looking with a full beard….He also looked very familiar…It’s just not hitting me who he reminds me of…

Then, the video cut to the veranda of the house that this video was shot in. The sexy man walked into view from the side door and went over to the side of the veranda. What followed was in my opinion, one of the most beautiful parts of the entire video….The camera moved towards his back and there he was, the man was standing all alone on the veranda facing the gorgeous shoreline, with waves crashing on rocks, the sun shining, the seagulls calling, the man wearing next to nothing….He really seemed one with nature. Then, he put his hands on his hips, the camera zoomed in, and in one fell swoop…his speedo was off.

I almost came right then and there. I lessened the intensity of my stroking in order to hold it off….

The shot that followed almost made me cum again…The man walked towards the other door leading from the veranda with his camera zoomed into his huge, voluptuous, muscular ass cheeks as they bounced up and down with every step he took….By now, all I could only think of two things, First one was fucking this guy hard, and the second was a certain song from the movie This Is Spinal Tap. “Big bottom, big bottom, talk about bum cakes, my man’s got ‘em.”

He entered the personal gym of the house where he proceeded to lean against the pure white wall, and bent over to expose his massive mud flaps. He gave his ass a little shake, which of course made me almost burst, yet again. Now, I’m not a big fan of twerking, especially not after seeing Miley Cyrus try and fail at doing it at the VMAs…But this guy? Damn motherfucker, I’d love to see this guy poppin’ dat booty!

He then turned around and took off his sunglasses….That’s when it hit me….I knew who he resembled. The porn star in this video is an absolute dead ringer for Professor Logan Hardwick….And that just made this video TEN TIMES hotter…He then said something in a deep voice that seemed edited, “Did you know that the original definition of ‘gymnasium’ is ‘exercise naked?’ Yeah well, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do…” He proceeded to work out on the chest press machine completely naked like he said he would...When he first turned around, I was pretty surprise to find out he didn’t have a big dick at all. He was pretty average at best; five, maybe six inches. He just so happened to have a pair of nuts like a fucking elephant’s. I mean seriously! I have NEVER seen a set of balls that big in my life!

The man got up after doing about ten reps, he looked into the camera and said “You want me to get dirty, huh?” He then proceeded to sit right back down onto the machine….where he proceeded to lift his legs, spread his ass cheeks…and showed his tiny, pink rosebud. Beckoning to the viewer in a sort of that “HARPOON ME WITH THAT COCK AND FUCK ME HARD!” type motion.

Ryan: “Oh Yeahh….work that ass….I’m gonna……”

As soon as the video ended, POW! The Howitzer of Love, as I once nicknamed it, fired. My fluids sprayed all over the floor several feet away from me and a few drops of the white stuff even got on the wall. Goddamn, I actually thought I was going to faint. I felt light headed while I was coming and it almost seemed like I was dying and seeing the golden light at the end of the tunnel. I eventually did collapse on the floor, breathing heavily…..Out of all of the time I’ve jerked off to gay porn, and I do it VERY often, this was definitely the best fapping session I’ve done in a while.

After the pleasure of the masturbation faded, I got a paper towel and got to work wiping all of my semen off of the floor and the wall. As I cleaned up the mess, I realized that I just HAD to know who the Professor Hardwick lookalike in that video was. I picked my phone back up off the bed and began to do some Google searches connected to The Most Perfect Muscle Ass In The World video…..Within minutes, I got my answer off the official Black Stallion Studios website. The man’s name is Matthew Manchester and like Professor Hardwick, he too was a professional bodybuilder until he decided to become a gay porn star after he retired. After finding out who he was, I scoured the internet to find any more videos of him and I did. The vast majority of them were all muscle-worship videos or solo posing videos, there wasn’t any videos of him actually having sex with other guys.
I then found Matt Manchester on Facebook and found out a detail about him that completely killed any chance of him ever doing a video with another man. He was straight….One of his statuses said that he and his girlfriend whose name is Stacy celebrated their fourth anniversary together…..So yeah, you get the picture. The guy is straight….

Also, judging by the pictures…it’s almost scary, him and Professor Hardwick look so alike facially it’s not even comical. There are some subtle differences between his face and Prof. Hardwick’s face but put them side to side and you probably couldn’t tell the difference.

Obviously, I’m pretty damn disappointed. Just as disappointed as I was when I saw the picture of Professor Hardwick’s desk of him and that woman a few months ago and when I found out that Mr. DiAngelo had a family and children Freshmen year of high school. My mind then went back to what I told Mike how we have to deal with difficulties being gay men and I reminded myself of that saying I told him.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea, but Matt Manchester is just not my Nemo.”

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Eleven: The Façade and The True Face

Before I begin this entry, I think it’s only right to ask a general question not to one particular person, but to everyone….Have you ever known and admired someone, only to find out that they’re just not the person you thought they were? Hatred and prejudice have a way of showing their face that even if you saw it coming, it still feels like a dagger in the heart….

This is what happened. About a day after I visited Mike DeHaviland, I checked my long-neglected Facebook page completely out of the blue. It was there that I found out that I had a new friend request. Usually, I ignore friend requests because they’re usually people that I have no idea exist, but after finding out who it was, I knew the person damn well.

It was Bryan DiAngelo. Yep, you heard me correctly, THE Bryan DiAngelo. My hunky, muscle bear 9th grade Global History teacher that I had a crush on back in the day. Judging from the profile picture, he hadn’t changed a bit in the four or five years since I had him as a teacher. He still had those bulldog-like facial features, powerful eyes, and prominent eyebrows. I also noticed that he’s sporting a sexy goatee, which makes him look like a total Don Juan, at least in my eyes. In addition to the friend request, he also sent me an email.

“Hi Ryan! How are you? I’ve decided to reach out to all of my former students over the past few years via Facebook! I miss you all so much, we’ve had some good times together in Global History 9! I really hope that college is treating you nicely! Bye!”

I thought about it for a moment. It seems really weird that one of my former teachers would reach out to me like this. I also thought about the risks of having one of my teachers as a friend, especially with them having the ability to look at my profile and my personal information...

Who the fuck am I kidding, I clicked accept like there was no tomorrow! However, I had no time to talk to him or look at his profile because it was getting late and I was getting pretty tired….I held it off until the next day.

After class the following day when I got home, the first thing I did was go on my computer and check out Bryan DiAngelo’s profile. I know what you all might be thinking, “Ryan why didn’t you go on Facebook from your phone?” I freaking H-A-T-E the Facebook mobile app. I can deal with the Twitter app, I can deal with Instagram, but Facebook is just a bitch to use, especially on my Samsung tablet. I love Facebook so much better on the PC….Not that it matters in the end, since high school ended, I’m over the social networking game.

The first thing that I looked at was his Facebook pictures….I’m going to be honest, I was looking at something that could be construed as “hot” from a gay man’s perspective. Of course, it turned up empty. The vast majority of his profile pictures and his timeline pictures were photos of his now THREE kids. His now twelve year old son Anthony, his now seven year old daughter Martina, and his six month old son Lorenzo. There were also some pictures of him with his wife Jamie.

The only picture that was remotely “hot” was a picture of him in the pool with his kids. He was shirtless, but you didn’t get to see much of him because of the fact that most of him was underwater. But just when I thought that I would never find anything worthwhile, it suddenly appeared to me in the form of a video that was posted on his timeline by his wife. “Bryan loses bet and is forced to wear a speedo!” JACKPOT! With a title like that, I KNEW it was going to be good….

I waited for it to load in all the way and clicked the play button. The video seemed to have taken place at a backyard barbecue party over this past summer, Jamie DiAngelo who I will once again say, is his wife, was filming herself with her phone telling the viewers what was going on.

Jamie: “Okay, so Bryan bet Marty that he could beat him at arm wrestling and they said that the loser has to wear a speedo…..well I’m sure you can all guess who lost!!”
She pointed the camera towards the backdoor of the house and about three seconds later….

There he was. Mr. DiAngelo strutting down the steps of the porch wearing a light blue and yellow speedo which showed off his bulge and his famously gargantuan ass very well. Everybody started to scream, yell and laugh as he appeared and started dancing to "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. He began to gyrate his hips in a sensual manner as family friends surrounded him started to chant “Go Bryan, Go Bryan, Go Bryan, It’s Your Birthday, Go Bryan!” One of his friends, obviously drunk, started screaming “YO BRYAN, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!!” Mr. DiAngelo, who seemed a little buzzed himself, was happy to oblige….The same friend then walked over to Mr. DiAngelo and gave him a few smacks on the ass as a joke.

At this point, I unconsciously began to stroke my cock underneath the desk….However, I never got around to it, I was a little weirded out about the fact that I was about to masturbate to one of my teachers from high school wearing a speedo…..But I got to admit, for the 200+ pound muscle bull that Mr. DiAngelo is, he totally looked great in a tiny speedo.

At this point, I wanted to go deeper into his profile and view his likes to see if we both have a lot of things in common. Favorite movies, favorite TV shows, favorite bands, favorite celebrities ….you know, common interests we may have.

I noticed that he likes a lot of movies about war. Films like Saving Private Ryan, Full Metal Jacket, and Jarhead…..When it comes to TV shows, Mr. DiAngelo seems to like sitcoms like All in the Family, The Golden Girls, Full House, Growing Pains, Rosanne, and Married With Children. Unfortunatley, he outright said in a status that he despises my absolute favorite kind of music, 1980s music. He’s more into 60s, 70s classic rock like Creedence Clearwater Revival, Marshall Tucker Band, Buffalo Springfield, Jefferson Airplane, Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen….That’s “real music” to him. However, he does dig AC/DC and Van Halen, though.

I then checked out what kinds of famous people he liked…and my heart immediately sunk into an abyss. He liked conservative talking heads like fucking Bill ‘O Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Nancy fucking Grace (I don’t know how anyone can respect her), and worst of all, Ann Coulter. And that wasn’t the worst thing I found out about him….Oh no, this next detail was what forever changed my view of him, and what killed all of my respect for him….

I looked back further on his Facebook timeline to March of 2012, there he shared a link to a clip of Kirk Cameron on Piers Morgan Tonight basically saying that he thinks homosexuality is going to destroy society….This was Mr. DiAngelo’s fucking stupid and totally ignorant comment that went along with it. “Good for him! I think it’s absolutely disgusting that the gays want to limit religious freedom of Christians. They should just keep their sinful lifestyle to themselves and stop trying to impose it on other people!”

This basically confirmed one of my biggest fears since frosh year of high school. Mr. DiAngelo, a man that I once lusted after and respected very much is homophobic. At first, I felt fucking devastated by what happened, but my sadness quickly turned into anger. I couldn’t fathom how someone be so fucking ignorant towards gay people. That’s when I decided that I was going to have my voice heard. After finding out that he was online, I started a chat with him without a moment to lose.

Ryan Carlson: “Hello Mr. DiAngelo. There was a time where I really, really respected you not only as my global history teacher, but as a kind and loving human being. However, I recently discovered something that really challenges my respect to you. I discovered your opinions on homosexuality, and frankly it sickens and saddens me to find this out, someone who was so nice to his students has these horrific views….The only question that remains is WHY? Why would you do this?”

And within minutes, I actually got a reply.

Bryan DiAngelo: “Ryan, I believe that there is a little bit of a misunderstanding here….I do not hate homosexuals at all. My view on homosexuals is as follows, “love the sinner, not the sin”. To be gay is not a sin, just the act of male-on-male or female-on-female sexual intercourse is a sin.”

As you could see, he was trying to cover his ass by saying that being gay is not a sin, gay sex is a sin. I personally believe he’s full of shit, and he actually does believe that being gay is a sin. However, I decided to press on further with it.

Ryan Carlson: “Alright, but what about gay marriage? A lot of straight couples who get married don’t have sex and remain celibate….who’s to say that some gay couples don’t do that? If they remain celibate than they’re technically not sinning by your logic.”

Then Mr. DiAngelo responded to my question. He wrote basically this epic War and Peace sized novel on the chatroom about his views towards homosexuality. I don’t remember the entire thing on the top of my head, but I’m going to try and summarize it to the best of my ability. He started off saying that homosexuality is unnatural, which is bullshit. If homosexuality is so unnatural, then how come animals can be gay? I recently read on the internet about a horse stable in Kentucky where two stallions raised a foal who was separated from his mother from birth until two years. There was also an article about two gay penguins in the Central Park zoo many years ago. I, of course told that to him, but he deflected it. He then proceeded to say that homosexuals should not get married because from the beginning of time, marriage has always been between a man in the woman and that he doesn’t want his children to learn about people that are going to “bastardize” the definition of marriage. To add insult to injury, the last and most insulting thing he said was that homosexuals cannot raise a child properly. His reasoning was that children need a both a mother figure and a father figure and denying a child of that is basically screwing them up. At that point I was ready to throw the fucking keyboard across the room, I was so pissed off. I began to fantasize about finding his address driving over to his house and punching him right square in the face. How the fuck would he know that a gay couple couldn’t raise a child? Has he ever spent a day at a gay couple’s house? Has he ever even SEEN a gay couple with a child in public!? Probably not, yet he has the nerve to make all these bullshit comments about how they’re all bad parents!? Jesus Christ, dude…

I was so enraged with him that I decided to come out to him as gay, PURELY out of spite. Probably not the best idea to come out to a confirmed homophobe, but at that moment, I did not give one. single. fuck.

Ryan Carlson: “You know something, you should be a little more conscientious about what you say to people, you’re going off, saying all this shit about gay people…..Well guess what, you are talking to one.”
Bryan DiAngelo: “It does not matter, my stance on homosexuals is not going to change and they apply to you now. I do not hate you for being gay, but I disapprove of the lifestyle you’re living.”

The fact that I didn’t just go crazy and put my fist through the monitor was proof that some outside force was holding me back so much….I’m not going to even censor myself anymore, I’m just going to say it right flat out! FUCK YOU Mr. DiAngelo! FUCK. YOU. You’re going to say all of this homophobic shit and then blow smoke up my ass with this “love the sinner, hate the sin” bullshit and say you’re not homophobic?!? Those were some of THE most homophobic things I have EVER heard someone say to me! And in my opinion, what Mr. DiAngelo said hurt more than someone outright calling me a “fag”.

I had to get away from the computer and fast, before I did something I would later regret…..

 

[xboxfan34]

The next day, I was still extremely upset about what went down. I was melancholy and had a shitty attitude towards everything and everyone. That’s when I decided to call for some outside help, and who else would I talk to other than the only other gay guy I know?

Mike: “So basically, Mr.DiAngelo friended you on Facebook and you find out that he’s homophobic, so you confront him and he says that being gay is unnatural, that we shouldn’t be getting married and that we can’t raise a child properly?”
Ryan: “That’s pretty much the size of it.”
Mike: “Wow….Honestly, Ryan, I have absolutely no idea how you didn’t see this coming. I had him junior year for American History and he outright said in the middle of class that having a conservative Republican president will save America. That was a red flag for me. Besides, you are probably the only person I know that ever had a crush on Mr.DiAngelo. Now I know why you had a crush on him, it was because you’re into big, burly, brutish muscle bears, but he just wasn’t my type….I don’t think he’s ugly, but I don’t think he’s good looking either….I definitely preferred Mr. Cusano.”
Ryan: “I thought Mr. Cusano was hot too, but you know what? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
Mike: “Right, can’t argue with that.”

Ryan: “I’m just so fucking upset at this, To think that I actually at one point had a crush on and respected that piece of shit is just……ugh…..I should have known. I should have known right from the get-go that he hated gays. “
Mike: “Ryan…..I’m sorry, but not every single person on earth is supportive of gay people….Trust me on that, I freaking know….In college, I’ve made so many new friends that love and accept me, but there are still those ignorant fucks that refuse to grow out of their high school mentality. Now, I don’t really give a fuck if students are homophobic to me, but it really bothers me when professors and teachers do it….I’m just going to start ranting right now so please bear with me Ryan. My Macroeconomics 101 professor flat out fucking hates gays. However, he expresses his homophobia in a really subtle and passive-aggressive way. That douchebag has always had something against me. He’ll flat out say in the middle of class “Oh, I don’t make enough money for Abercrombie and Fitch clothes!” I’m the only one in the class wearing Abercrombie, so who the fuck else would he be talking to?! Another incident that took place two weeks ago was that he caught me texting on Halloween, but didn’t say anything about it. This was Friday. Then Monday came along and I had the class again and I had my phone out and he said “If you text in my class one more time, I’m keeping your phone until Friday. You understand? I also saw you texting on Halloween, but I didn’t say anything. It’s not like you have a job and pay for it or anything! Mommy and Daddy probably do!” THAT pissed me off. First of all, the second time I wasn’t even texting, I was showing my Otter Box to the girl sitting next to me. Second of all, I DO pay for my phone, I DO work part time at King Kullen, so he’s dead wrong about that. Also, If I’m paying for the phone, I want to get every single dime out of it so I’m not paying for it to be in his fucking pocket from Monday to Friday. If he just wanted to take my phone for the remainder of the class, I wouldn’t have that much of a problem, but just the fact that he had the intention of KEEPING it for four days is what pissed me off so much.”
Ryan: “To be honest, he doesn’t sound homophobic to me, he sounds like he’s a complete asshole for threatening to take your phone away for a week and that comment assuming you don’t work for a living was pretty uncalled for, but it wasn’t homophobic.”
Mike: “I still think he is, though. There were three other people texting on that day and he only one he yelled at was me. Even if he doesn’t hate gays, he still hates me.”

Mike: “I also had a homophobic teacher in high school….senior year.”

After he said that, my face lit up. Being from the same high school as he was, I had a sick curiosity to find out who it was.

Ryan: “Really? Who was it?”
Mike: “It was Mrs. Collingsworth…..”
Ryan: “Mrs. Collingsworth? The sexy blonde math teacher that all the guys wanted to fuck? I always thought she was pretty nice.”
Mike: “I thought so too, but in time, she revealed her true, ugly face.”
Ryan: “What did she do that was so bad?”
Mike: “Alright, you ready for another rant? Okay, so there was this girl in my Calculus class who I was friends with for a while, and she missed so much school towards the end of senior year because she just didn’t give a shit anymore. Me and this girl were out around the same time because I had the stomach flu. I was vomiting, shitting my brains out, the whole deal….When we both got back to school, Mrs. Collingsworth outright said that she would lessen the workload for her, but fucking fails ME for missing school for a legitimate reason! And that cunt knew that my diploma was fucking resting on the Calculus class, so I needed to pass it to graduate! OH MY GOD….So many times, I wanted to deck that cunt in the face. She always sent my mother notes saying “Oh, Michael isn’t doing that good, he needs to stay after school and do extra help.” And when I DON’T show up for extra help, she fucking lays into me, reading me the riot act! I knew damn well her husband was homophobic because I had Mr. Collingsworth for gym junior year and he didn’t like me, he always called me “girly” and “wimpy”, so he probably whispers in her ear shit like “fail that fag” because you can’t fail gym. Thanks to her, I JUST passed Calc. with a 72 when I SHOULD have gotten an 87. I averaged my test grades together.”
Ryan: “Wow….I had no idea that Mrs. Collingsworth was like that at all. What she did to you was so out of line….However, I’m surprised to hear that Mr. Collingsworth was like that too, when I had him for gym Sophomore year, he seemed so chill."
Mike: “I thought that too, but he never liked me and why else would he call me “girly” and all that shit if he wasn’t homophobic?”

Mike: “So Ryan….I’m pretty sure you’re looking for some sort of moral to these….rantings. All I can really say is not to let what happened with Mr. DiAngelo affect you. Sometimes you just can’t judge a book by its cover. I’ve moved on from the bullshit and have become a much stronger person as a result.”

I thought over what he said about not judging a book by its cover, it really seemed to make sense and talk to me on a personal level. I thanked Mike for his help and gave him a hug…..

UPDATE

It’s Thursday again and I’m sure if you’ve been paying attention you know what that means! Professor Hardwick! Today, I found something out about him that really put a smile on this guy’s face! In class, we were talking about sociology connected to personal relationships and someone in class told a story about how even though him and his girlfriend fight all the time, they still will always have a mutual love for each other. Professor Hardwick responded with this…..

Logan: “Well here’s the thing, I’m single so I don’t know anything about that….”
Ryan: “Wait, what about that picture on your desk?
Logan: “What? Oh, you mean this?”
Ryan: “Yeah….Isn’t that girl in the picture your girlfriend or something like that?”

Prof. Hardwick started to smile and laugh and what I just said….

Logan: “Ryan….I’m sorry but I think you’re mistaken. That’s not my wife or my girl! This is my sister, Stacy!”
Ryan: “OH…….sorry…”
Logan: “Not your fault, man……..not your fault.”

So as it turns out, Prof. Hardwick is single and ready to mingle! Now, I know that this does NOT mean that he’s gay, but…..a guy can only hope, right? I also noticed something, Logan’s sister Stacy shares the name of Matt Manchester’s girlfriend……probably just a coincidence….

 

[xboxfan34]

First Semester
Chapter Twelve Part One: Logan’s Fling

Before I say anything, I want to preface this by saying if you live in that world where you believe that if you have a lot of money, nice things and a big house that you’re automatically happy and content with life, this isn’t the entry for you. Just because someone is rich doesn’t mean that they’re life is perfect and everything is peachy keen.

So, what’s the matter with me? Every day when I leave work, I come home to a beautiful post-modern style mansion just filled to the brim with all sorts of fancy shit that cost an absolute fucking fortune, a gigantic swimming pool, a private gym, and my own private shoreline that I have ALL to myself…I should be ecstatic, I became rich, I achieved the American Dream, I should never want for another fucking thing in the world….The thing is, that is the absolute opposite of what I feel. I do NOT feel complete, I do not feel like I have achieved the American dream or whatever it’s called and for the longest time, I've felt like I’m using this mansion filled with expensive shit as a shield to protect myself from my true desires…..And it’s not a “thing” that I want.

I should stop beating around the bush and just be brutally honest. I want a man. There, I fucking said it. I want a boyfriend or a husband. In the first entry of this iJournal, I said that I was single but I wasn’t ready to mingle. At this point, I must say that I am more ready to mingle than I ever had in quite a while.

In addition to my desires, there is already a man that I want….

Fellow Black Stallion Studios actor/model Marion Richey…..Since he first decided to join Black Stallion, I’ve always had a bit of a crush on him. His body is perfectly sculpted, he’s got an absolutely AMAZING muscular bubble butt, and supposedly….his cock is NINE inches long….However, I don’t like him exclusively for his looks, I’ve talked to him a few times, he is also a really, really nice guy with a really good sense of humor.

In terms of his sexual orientation, from what I heard, he is either full blown gay or he is bisexual. Marion never disclosed such information. Not to any other Butler, not to any of his fans, and Si never talks about it. In fact on the Black Stallion Studios site, his sexual orientation is labelled “unknown” (before you ask, mine is still “hetero”)

The next day, I finally decided to man up and make the first move instead of sitting passively and waiting for Marion to ask me out one day out of the blue. My desire to ask out Marion will also give me an excuse to go see Silas, whom I haven’t talked to since Medieval Muscle was released two weeks ago….

I soon found myself at the manor once again, giving me a feeling of déjà vu from almost a month ago when Silas asked me to help him in brainstorming ideas for my video. It seemed like all of the same things were happening. Hell, I was even greeted by the same person, James Davenport.

James: “LOGAN!!! My main man! How are you doing, bro?”
Logan: “I’m fine….I’m fine….Say, have you seen Marion around?”
James: “I saw him earlier today, but I have no idea where he is now exactly…If I were to make a guess though, I’d say that he’s rehearsing. Rumor has it that Si is going to approach him soon about doing a new video, so I won’t be surprised if he’s working on his posing. I mean….It’s been almost a six months since the last video was made starring Marion…”
Logan: “Alright, then…”

I then made my way over to Silas, who as always, was deep inside his books. We talked for a while about random nonsense, he wanted to let me know that the video we shot was a huge success and that digital downloads are selling like gangbusters. Before I let Silas ramble on, I quickly shifted the conversation over to my “mission”.

Logan: “Si….Have you seen Marion around?”
Silas: “Yes, he’s outside in my gardens. Why, what do you need with him?”
Logan: “Nothing! I just…wanted to say hi…”
Silas: “Logan, I’m seventy-seven years old. I definitely wasn’t born yesterday. I know what you want from him…..you’re attracted to him….and you want to make love to him….I am not going to get in the way of you trying to get what you want. However be forewarned, Marion’s sexuality isn’t completely black and white….He’s not gay and he isn’t straight either.”
Logan: “Okay….so Marion is bisexual…”
Silas: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to figure that out by yourself.”
Logan: “Okay……thanks Si…”

Following Silas’ advice, I walked through the immaculately groomed gardens of Silas’ mansion, admiring the gorgeous flower beds and lawn décor. I eventually found Marion by the in-ground Jacuzzi. He was wearing absolutely nothing except for a tiny, bright red posing brief which showed off his voluptuous ass cheeks very well.

Marion then took a break from his posing session and did some stretches. He then proceeded to bend over in order to touch his toes, giving me a nice view of his gorgeous, muscular ass covered by a tiny red bikini brief….At first, I tried to contain my feelings for him, but stupidly, I opened my mouth….

Logan: “Wow…that ain’t a bad sight…”

Marion heard my voice and turned around swiftly. His face lit up when he recognized that it was me who said those words. He greeted me with a friendly fist bump.

Marion: “Hey! Wassup, dawg?”
Logan: “Nothin’ much dude….Just another day in paradise.”
Marion: “You can say that again…”

Logan: “You look great, man! Of course, wearing next to nothing really shows it off!”
Marion: “Awwww…thanks homie. You’re lookin’ good too! Why don’t you take off your shirt? So I can see your progress?”

Marion’s wish was my command, I quickly removed my T-shirt and threw it aside, giving him a nice look at my solid physique.

After he checked out my biceps, pecs and abs, I knew right then and there that this was it. This was the time to finally make a move….

Logan: “So…It’s really good to see you again….So…uhh….Are you doing anything tonight? Maybe we can…I don’t know, do something together? Grab dinner? Go bowling? See a movie, perhaps?"
Marion: “Uhhh….Logan?”
Logan: “Yeah….I know, sorry…”

Marion: “Listen dawg, we’ve been homies for what, three years now? I know you, man. I know what you really want….You want to fuck me….and I’m cool with that.”
Logan: “Wow…I did not know that I was so transparent.”
Marion: “It happens to the best of us, homie.”

At that point, Marion put his large hand behind my head and pulled me forward into a long, passionate kiss….The make-out session lasted for only a few seconds, but it seemed like I was experiencing eternal bliss….Despite the fact that it seemed like he wanted to do it with me, there was still one thing I had to know…

Logan: “Marion…I need to ask you something….I don’t know how you’re going to take this question, but…what are you? Silas said you’re not gay, and you’re not straight either….Are you bi?”

Marion: “I knew I would one day have to say this..….Alright Logan, here it is….I’m not gay, I’m not straight, but I’m also not bi either….I am pansexual.”
Logan: “Pansexual…..I’ve heard of that before, but….I’ve never put too much thought into what it really means…”

Marion handed me a small piece of paper…I didn’t even have to guess what was on that piece of paper…

Marion: “How about this, dawg? Meet me at my crib…and I’ll educate you on everything you need to know about pansexuality….”