Time for Blonde Jokes!

[buzzj]

My favorite blonde joke...

 

[trawler69]

Farmer John was a sheep farmer. He raised sheep all over his property. One day, a beautiful young brunette came up and asked him, "Farmer John, if I can tell exactly how many sheep you have in your fields, can I have a lamb to take home and raise myself?"

Farmer John agreed, knowing wholeheartedly that he had way too many to guess accurately.

The beautiful, young brunette told him that he had 376 sheep in his field.

Farmer John was beside himself. He had exactly 376 sheep! Being a man of his word, he told her to go and pick out the sheep that she wanted.

For about an hour the, brunette was out in the field. Finally she returned with her choice. Farmer John looked and her and asked, "Now, can I ask you a question?"

The brunette complied.

Farmer John asked, "If I can tell you what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I please have my dog back?"

 

[Swellegant]

Two blondes were walking in the woods, and they came across a set of tracks.

"Those are deer tracks," one blonde says with an air of expertise.

"No, those are racoon tracks," the other claims.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[GayBoyKellyCfan]

Jessica Simpson

 

[antdak]

WINTER BLONDE



As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches

up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the

door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is

Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her

and proceeds down the street.



When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the

door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,

the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing

some of your load!"





Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the

street.





At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,

knocks on the truckdoor.





The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi,

my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"





When the light turns green the trucker revs up and

races to the next light.





When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the

truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after

she lowers it, he says...





"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Wisconsin and



I'm driving the SALT TRUCK

 

[JakeBequette]

Jessica Simpson

​

 

[GayBoyKellyCfan]

​

JAKEY!

 

[trawler69]

The Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


Blonde Repair Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

 

[xyboyms]

LOL Great thread!

A blonde was walking in the woods when she came upon a river. Standing on the other side of the river was a brunette who was waving at the blonde. The brunette asked the blonde "Hey where's the bridge to get to the other side???"

The blonde replied, "Duh, you are on the other side!"

 

[trawler69]

Blonde Fish

A blonde was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. She ran into one of her friends.

Her friend asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

She tells her friend that she has some fish in the bag.

The friend says, "Fish! Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The blonde says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Blonde Car

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer, because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with one of her friends.

Her friend suggested, "There may be a way of selling that car, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Right," replied her friend, "here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on her friend's advice.

About one month after that, her friend saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."



Blonde Exam

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

[NedNickerson]

Don't forget these:

http://justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110164

 

[NedNickerson]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant.

"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant," the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here," the blonde says. "I bought one last month."

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, maybe you can bring in the empty container next time."

"Sure," the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow."

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty stick of deodorant. "This is just normal deodorant," the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms."

"No, it is not," the blonde answers, "It says so here: To apply, push up bottom."

 

[JakeBequette]

JAKEY!

JEFFY!!

WHERE'S MY GOD DAMN HOT WHEEL???!?!?!

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.​

 

[BenF]

In the good old days, we were allowed to say "Irish" instead of "Blonde"

 

[Marbas]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.
A conversation then ensued which highlited the relative normality of the Englishman and Scotsman, while reinforcing the xenephobic generalisation that the Irish are somehow less cerebally gifted, a result of English complacency, and of tensions between the Irish Catholocism, and the English reformed Protestantism, who though juridicial process was empowered over the Irish, leading to a period of opression, and later, revolution.

 

[Michael Luc]

I love this one.

 

[dave_63]

I love this one.

Love It!!

 

[Ramindra]

These should keep you going for a while!


YET ANOTHER BLONDE

A guy took a blonde out on a date.

Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"



ALLIGATOR SHOES
=================

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll be lucky and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 15 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!"



ANOTHER BLONDE

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch.”

“How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed, and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
~~~~~~

A young blonde woman was distraught because she feared her husband was having an affair, so she went to a gun shop and bought a handgun. The next day she came home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabbed the gun and held it to her own head. The husband jumped out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responded to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

~~~~~~

A MATTER OF TASTE!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in, they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "It looks like cum." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum."

The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building!"



True Story right from the Associated Press:

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove. her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of biscuit dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit dough canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour - until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

SUICIDAL BLONDES

A gorgeous blond went to the doctor's office with the end of her finger missing. When asked what had happened she answered that she had shot it off while trying to kill herself. "How could that happen? Shooting yourself in the hand would not kill you!" said the doctor.

"Well, you see," she responded... "First I was going to shoot myself in the heart but when I put the gun between my breasts I thought I could not ruin $20,000 worth of surgery." "So, I put the gun in my mouth. But I didn't want to mess up $10,000 worth of teeth."

"Finally I put the gun in my ear. And because I knew it was going to make a very loud noise... I put this finger in the other ear!"

BREATHLESS
A blonde goes to the hairdresser with a Walkman. She sits down and explains to the hairdresser what he should do with her hair. The hairdresser says “If you want me to cut your hair, you will have to take off your Walkman” “No, No, NO!” says the blonde “That will kill me!” The hairdresser doesn’t understand but he decides to continue anyway. Then, accidentally he cuts the headphone wires and the blonde dies instantly. The hairdresser wonders what happened and takes the tape the blonde was listening to. He puts it in his stereo and hears the following “Inhale…. Exhale…. Inhale…. Exhale..”

------------
When flying to Sydney, the blonde sits down in first class though her ticket is for economy class. The hostess asks her to move to economy but the blonde refuses. Then the purser also asks her the same thing and again the blonde refuses. The purser asks a another hostess, this one also a blonde, to try one more time. The blonde hostess whispers something into the blonde’s ear, after which the blonde gets up and runs to economy class. The purser asks the blonde hostess what she said. “I just told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”

------------
A blonde was browsing around the sex shop and stopped at the dildo counter.
“I’ll have that one - the tartan one with the big white top”, she said.
“Sorry’, said the manager, “that’s not for sale. That’s my thermos flask.”

-----------
The lovely young blonde was learning to swim and was being held afloat by a raunchy swimming instructor.
“Will I really sink if you take your finger out?” she asked.
-----------

FIRE!!!
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks her if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" The execution squad is startled and dives for cover. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

....and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

SOME QUESTIONS AND SOME ANSWERS?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q : Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A : It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. What do blondes and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q : The blonde died while drinking milk. Why?
A : The cow sat down.

Q : What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A : Pregnant

Q : What do you call a smart blonde?
A : A Golden Retriever

Q : What do you get when you have a gorilla mate with a blonde?
A : Who knows? There are limits on what you can make a gorilla do.

Q : Why does a blonde always return from London being depressed?
A : It appears that Big Ben is a tower

Q : What is the difference between a blonde and the universe?
A : There is still hope that intelligent life will be found in the universe

Q : What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A : A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Q :How does a blonde get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A :She spits it out.

Q :What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1 : Introduces herself.
A2 : Walks home.

Q : How can you tell if a blonde has achieved orgasm?
A :She drops her nail file.

Q : What's a blonde’s favorite wine?
A : "Daaadddy, I want to go to Mi-ammmmi."

Q : What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
Q : After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

Q : What do you get when cross a lawyer with a blonde?
A1 : Nothing. There are some things a blonde won't do.
A2 : I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
A3 : I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn’t stop until it gets blood.

Q : How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1 : Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
A2 : Seven, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
A3 : Sixty-five, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
A4 : One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
A5 : Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
A6 : Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it.

Q : Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A : She's been laid all over the country.

Q : What three words will a blonde never hear?
A : "Attention K-mart shoppers"

Q : How can you tell if a blonde is a nymphomaniac?
A : She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.

Q : What's a blonde’s idea of natural childbirth?
A : No makeup.

Q : What's the difference between a blonde and a barracuda?
A : Nail polish.

Q : How do you prevent a blonde from having sex?
A : Marry her.

Q : What's the difference between a telephone booth and a blonde?
A : You don't need a quarter for the blonde.

Q : What' the difference between a blonde and a vacuum cleaner?
A1 : Nothing. They both suck.
A2 : You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A3 : You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A4 : When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, its easy to dump the old bag.
A5 : A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Q : How do you get four blondes on one chair?
A1 ; Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
A2 : Turn the chair upside down and put one on each leg.

Q ; Why do blondes wear blouses with thick shoulder pads?
A : So that men have somewhere comfortable to rest their knees.

Q : What’s the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A : A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.

Q : What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A : A bus shelter.

Q : What does a blonde say after sex?
Q : “So…. do you all play for the same team?”

Q : What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A : Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic!

Q : What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
A :Their knees.

Q : Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A : She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q : What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
A : You CAN sit upright in a car!

Q : Why do blondes wear panties?
A : To keep their ankles warm.

Q : What do you give a blonde who has everything?
A : Penicillin.

Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A :So men can remember them.

 

[Ramindra]

Nothing to do with blondes but I did see something about the Irish above.

Q – How does an Irishman know if his girlfriend is wearing panty hose?
A – Her toes curl up when he’s screwing her.

 

[Ramindra]

A few very difficult puzzles for blondes.....