Time going by so fast

[mar1981]

I am not ok with my homosexuality. There has been times in my head where despite my morals to not live a lie (more importantly lie to a woman) where I have thought about just trying to go straight. I am 30 years old, done little with other men and am concerned about the future for me. So my questions are to older gay men and those who are my age and younger who have thought about this:

Do you ever think about and regret not doing the family thing....your own kids, minivan, dog , white fence etc?

How is the relationship for older gay men?

I think about this often now and feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I am going to have to make a decision and since I am not out I could try dating women but do not want to be one of those men who end up hurting their wives and family later. IDK....what do you do when every option leaves you in pain? It is just like I don't belong anywhere. I can't stand how shallow and promiscuous many (most??) in the gay community are. There is a difference between watching porn, doing safe stuff with other guys and just meeting strangers for fucking all night long!

I guess I can not see where I fit in this planet after 30 years here....

 

[sixthson]

Do you ever think about and regret not doing the family thing....your own kids, minivan, dog , white fence etc?

First, I have never been promiscuous. Second, I have been in love with the same guy since I was 18. Together we have 4 children. We have 2 dogs. I refuse to own a minivan.

You have to make a place in the world where you fit. None of us fits everwhere. Personally, I feel I don't fit at JUB and Jub could be called part of the gay community. I think what you are expressing is fear. Fear of being alone, perhaps? My heart goes out to you and everyone who wants love but doesn't have it. Please don't give up.

 

[tdlenz]

As an older man (60), I have never had a real realationship with my family...I mean my half-brother and my sisters are so different from me [I am the "baby"of the family]. I never "came out" to any of my family members, I don't think I ever had to, but, as I see it, it wasn't any one's business. My family was'nt a "typical" flamily. My morals are my own, and no one else's concern. I've never wanted the house with the white picket fence (too many taxes!), but I do have a wonderful Lover of 13 years and a marvelous puppy [almoust 2 years old] named Dexter. We are very happy and have never questioned the lives we live. Maybe you might just be "bi" (?) there's nothing wrong there... just don't think so hard about things. Live a life of fun!!

 

[Benvolio]

I am not ok with my homosexuality. There has been times in my head where despite my morals to not live a lie (more importantly lie to a woman) where I have thought about just trying to go straight. I am 30 years old, done little with other men and am concerned about the future for me. So my questions are to older gay men and those who are my age and younger who have thought about this:

Do you ever think about and regret not doing the family thing....your own kids, minivan, dog , white fence etc?

How is the relationship for older gay men?

I think about this often now and feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I am going to have to make a decision and since I am not out I could try dating women but do not want to be one of those men who end up hurting their wives and family later. IDK....what do you do when every option leaves you in pain? It is just like I don't belong anywhere. I can't stand how shallow and promiscuous many (most??) in the gay community are. There is a difference between watching porn, doing safe stuff with other guys and just meeting strangers for fucking all night long!

I guess I can not see where I fit in this planet after 30 years here....

You need to decide if you are attracted to men or to women. Few if any are attracted to both, although some young guys can have sex with either until they get older. If you are attracted to men, having a wife and family is not really an option. Within a few years it will be hard to keep up the presence. Once you stop believing you have a decision to make between gay and straight your life will be much simpler.

 

[palbert]

Choose. I'm tired of this contrived anguish. Once you've made your choice, live with it. And make the best of it. Not pretty advice but that's life.

 

[hotatlboi]

It's way past time to accept yourself man.

You have a choice between a lifetime of self loathing and misery or one in which you feel fulfilled and not defined by others' prejudices.

 

[Undergrad]

I think the first step would be to realize that your sexuality is a preference, not a concern of morality. From there you can move on and try to figure the rest out.

Also, being promiscuous is a personal thing, I don't believe the issue should be subjected to any one sexuality. Men can be dogs, gay or straight!

Finally a quote from my father; "There is no point to life if you know that whatever you're doing isn't what you love or doesn't make you happy"

 

[Benvolio]

I cannot agree that your sexuality is a preference, if it is being suggested that you can choose between being gay or straight. You are what you are. Once you realize which you are, and do not have a decision to make, you can get on with your life.

 

[Rolyo85]

Nothing in your life - no amount of white fences, women you lie to, and children whose lives you'll inevitably fuck up to an extent when they learn the truth about you - will ever make you the slightest bit happy as long as the first sentence of your post is true. That's the only relevant part of your situation, and the only thing you need to work on. If you wish, we could give you advice, but most of it is up to you.

 

[Seasoned]

I did get married and had children and left after 14 years. Some guys stay married even though they are gay, but to what end? I have a good relationship with my daughter and son and wouldn't wish them away. We, in the Western world now live in an era where we can chose how we live. So it's up to you. You can let your fear force you into contrivance without a great mental toll. If you need help with your fear, I'd suggest therapy.

Gay people run the same gamut as straight people. You decide how you want to live and with whom to associate. Pre-judging the entire gay population will get you nowhere.

 

[fbhwes]

I am 45 years old and i am just now starting to figure all this out. I know i'm gay but i also know that the reason it's taken me SO long to come to terms with it is because i am literally surrounded wth family and friends who would not approve and most would want nothing more to do with me. So like you i haven't told them . I stopped thinking about what they want and started focusing on what i want. After that accepting it MYSELF got easier. If you have any doubts about wether a life with a woman is possible than it's probably not a good idea. Just ask yourself " Can you live the rest of your life without looking at or thinking about another man and or wanting to be with him?"
That's kind of how i came to my conclusion. All i can tell you my friend gay doesn't go away anymore than straight does.

 

[wikke1]

I think I agree with the people who stated that the problem is you first sentence.
I think most of us know and understand how that feels, we have been (are) there ourselves.

Even though it took me YEARS to come out and even though I created misery and drama around it in my head, I feel like I can advocate (I've only been out a few months) "coming out".

I realise not everyone is as lucky as me, but frankly, If you're a nice person, you have family and friends, ... do you really think they will "dump" you because you come out?

My (brief) experience is that coming out, far and foremost intensifies your relationships, and, it helps you accepting yourself (further).

Don't start building a life on lie. Start building a life on the truth. Really, don't be too afraid. You'll see in the long run you'll feel so much better.

And yes, I have dreamt (and still do dream, who knows?) about kids, a house (no dog!), ...

 

[chance1]

My sense is that you have a few things YOU need to figure out:

1 - who are you attracted to? is it men? is it women? is it both?
being married to a woman and being gay or bi and cheating is not a good life - not for her, not for you, not for your kids, etc.

2 - you have a negative connotation about gay men - the lifestyle, growing old gay, etc.
sure there are gay men who are promiscuous - not sure that's a gay thing or a guy thing

you're sorta asking for advice when you haven't thought it through - so it's too early to solicit others POV

you're NOT too old to change - not even close

good luck my friend