Tired of being in the closet *rant with a semi-problem*

[gavin89]

Long story short (not so short I know)..
I'm out to my best friend and he's very cool with it but straight...
We have this gang we hang out with at college and today he told me (out of care, not gossip) that they suspect I'm gay...
They're homophobic and I live in a country where that's the norm... I was starting to enjoy my time with them, I was being me for the first time in a long time, and thought I had them fooled.. apparently not

So if they confront me what should I do?!
Saying "yes I am" isn't an option.. they'd tell other people...
Saying "none of your business" would mean that I am..
Saying "no I'm not" would be lying to them...

Which ever way it goes, I'm not gonna be able to be myself with them anymore.. which means (at least for me) the friendship is over....

Just ranting on... Am I exaggerating?!

 

[askerby1]

You are in a tough situation- it's up to you to decide when it's your time to tell someone. But being backed into a corner is rough. A simple "why" or "what's it to you" doesn't always work. You could just walk away- but that hurts too- losing friends or having them judge you sucks. Sorry I can't offer you a solution- just support. Do what you think is right- at least you can live with your decision. Best of everything to you.

 

[Iniquity]

You're not exaggerating. This is a really tough situation. But the way you outlined your post, you're saying that it's impossible to completely be yourself with them from here on out. You also seem to have thought about all of the possible scenarios, and they don't seem all that positive. For me, that would be grounds to move on with my life, even though you say you enjoy your time with them. It's not the ideal option at all, but neither would the confrontation. At the very least, it seems you would have your best friend by your side; no matter what, I hope that doesn't change. All the best with whatever you decide to do.

 

[G-Lexington]

Why not bring your friend on board? What does he think of your options? Does he think there's a way around this? Would he be willing to run intereference for you? Either by obfuscatio. ("I asked him if he was gay, and he said 'I hope not - that would suck'") or blatantly lying ("Hetold me he wasn't gay")?

Lex

 

[backpacker]

I think you have already answered your own question by saying if you can't be yourself the friendship is over. What I get from that statement is if you have to hide the friendships are over and if you do come out the friendships MAY be over. Sounds like the only chance to save the friendships are to come out (or at least don't hide who you are or change the way you act). Typically there are a couple of guys who can't handle the truth, but most realize that you are the same guy once they get used to the revelation. When people don't know something who is gay, it is easy for them to be homophobic. When it applies to someone they know, their opinions often change.

While I like Lex's idea of seeking the help of your friend, I don't like the idea of asking your friend to lie. I would prefer to ask him to help lay the groundwork for you coming out. When they make comments about you being gay, he could say things like "What difference will it make if he is?", "It wouldn't surprise me if he was, but it wouldn't make a difference to me. He is still my friend.", "If he is I bet it's difficult to deal with something he has no control over and that he's afraid to tell anyone about.", "As long as he understands that I'm straight, it doesn't matter to me who he sleeps with.", or "If that is the way he was born, who am I to question how God made him?". You get the idea. Anything he can do to open their minds will make it that much easier when you do come out. Additionally he will be able to get a feeling for who is most likely to be accepting and who should be the next in the group that you come out to.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this issue.

 

[gavin89]

Thnx everyone for your replies..

I've already talked it over with my friend and he was like "lie to them.. you're not that close... and in a couple of years (after I finish college) it'll be over"... he said it's not worth it to lose a friendship and make a big deal out of it...

I guess although he is open minded and homo-friendly, he doesn't get that it's hard being afraid to be yourself around people...

Anyways, I guess I'm not gonna come out to them.. and if they do confront me, I'll just take things back a step and stop hanging out with them as much...

 

[slnattak]

If you really are in a homophobic area, the way to handle that I think is to start a community with other gay guys. Instead of being bitchy catty and internalized homophobia-like with other gay men, help you and the other gays work together to create a strong community and identity for yourselves. This is healthy and important for all men actually. Help each other out, take care of each other, just like straight men pack dogs would do for each other. And make it clear that if a straight bully is fucking with you, he's fucking with the whole pack.

You just gotta be cool in life like that ya know? Strength in numbers. Instead of RUNNING AWAY from a gay guy with the same interests as you, seek them out, start your own clubs. Organize, rally, demonstrate, and just band together. Homophobia doesn't go away being a victim. I doubt it's so bad that you can't do SOMETHING.

You could save a lot of other young men's lives. Who knows how many guys are lonely and in the closet like you, waiting for that brave heroic gay man to make the first leap...

 

[slnattak]

Just ranting on... Am I exaggerating?!

Probably. How homophobic are we talking here? What is the exact, specific context of your community, exactly?

 

[gavin89]

^^^^ It's pretty religious... Western Asia.... I really can't rally or demonstrate.. I don't have the enough strength/courage..