Tired of hiding

[bhandsome]

I am trying so hard to come to terms with my sexuality, but I don't feel like I've made significant progress. Whenever I'm around my friends I just want to scream, "I'm GAY!" and be done with it. I'm mentally driving myself crazy trying to hide from who I truly am.

I don't want to talk to a random person, I don't want to console in a friend, I just want to be able to accept myself without having to come out to someone else before ...if that makes sense. I'm showing all talk and no action.

I feel like I will disappoint my mother and a few other important family members, they wont shun me, but apart of me would feel guilty. My friends, idk how my relationship would be like; the way they act about gay people and the frequent use of the term "faggot" is not appealing or welcoming to come out too. I don't care if it's being used to be funny, it's hurtful and this makes me want to stay in the closet.

I'm hurting internally and driving myself mentally crazy. Telling me it takes times won't help, I've heard it all before. I'm too impatient but I force myself to wait.

I don't know what to do at this point.

 

[Eagle653]

First of all, you may be further along than you realize. You're on here asking some pretty good questions, for starters.

You're right--you need to accept yourself first. Tackle you before tackling your mother and friends and everyone else. Once you're OK with you, dealing with them will be much easier--believe me. The reason why that is is because you'll be talking and dealing with them from more of a position of confidence and acceptance, and an "I'm OK with this" attitude, instead of embarrassing and loathing about it.

There's really no magic path to get from "I wish this wasn't so" to "It's OK that it is." Everyone's path is different and takes different twists and turns. Part of it will come in time. But, since you're being eaten up inside about it, it might be good to visit with a professional about it for a few sessions. With guided questions and letting you express your feelings, you'll come to a lot of philosophical conclusions yourself and get comfortable in your own skin.

You don't have to feel this way, and I hope you can talk it out with someone who's been down that road and can show you the potholes. Good luck--and let us know how you're doing.

 

[bhandsome]

Eagle653 - Thanks for your reply. I can't talk to a professoional in person, that's like coming out and I don't want to do that. I have spoken with a hotline, so I think I might go back to that.

The word "time" bothers the hell out of me, because like I stated, I am far to impatient to wait for what I feel should not be so stressful and depressing. You are correct, people are different.

I truly believe things will get better one day, but I do not want to be one of those people who come out the closet 20 years later. I'm missing out on too much because I lie to myself and my friends, and I can't afford to do that to myself anymore...

I will admit that you made a valid point. I have come further along accepting myself than I am giving myself credit for. I am starting to accept the gay lifestyle, extremely slowly, but it's coming along.

 

[djmigra]

I feel pretty much the same way as you've stated in your posts, so I'm in the same boat as you if that helps at all.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Wow. Eagle653 gave outstanding feedback to you in just about every way I can think of. You say: I can't talk to a professional in person, that's like coming out and I don't want to do that. This, I don't understand. You are in essence slowing coming to terms w/ your sexuality, and are now 'coming out' to a safe web site filled w/ men who have gone through every bit of your internal struggles. Trust me, you are not alone or unique here. I do believe the safest next step for you is to indeed see a professional. There are quite a few gay or gay-friendly therapists that have heard and seen it all. They are trained to work with you on your own timetable - not theirs. I would say, keep an open mind on this suggestion. Ask your hotline contact about the value of seeing a therapist.

 

[bhandsome]

SteveyBoyLA - What I meant is I have a hard time verbally telling someone to their face compared to saying things online. Does that make more sense now?

I'm not knocking talking to a professional, it's a great idea, but I have to be willing to do take that step...

 

[TX-Beau]

It's hard, it's frustrating, it's depressing, and it pisses you the fuck off, and it's not fair.

There is no gay lifestyle, there's just you who are gay, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are all kinds of lifestyles for straight people and there are all kinds of lifestyles for gay people. Pick the one you mesh with.

And you know what, you'll know you're ready to come out to someone, when you do it.

I know it's silly but this helped me, every day, I told myself out loud that I am gay, and there's nothing wrong with that. In the beginning, I couldn't even finish that sentence - hell I went through a phase before that, where I couldn't even write down the word; and the first time I did, I immediately ripped it up, my mind rebelled.

I couldn't verbalize coming out to myself at first, but eventually, I did it. Courage. you're not alone, and you're not the first, and you can do it.

 

[bhandsome]

TX-Beau - Your words really hit home for me. I can easily say I'm gay repeatedly to myself without a worry. But, actions speak louder than words.

Being gay will not define me, it's not something I will publicly admit unless confronted (this applies for after I come out).

I thought the same thing; I'll know I'm ready when I actually tell someone. I feel the urge to do it every-single-day, I think that day is getting closer. Now to choose the right person.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and you can't live your life for your mother, your friends, or anyone else. You will never be happy that way, and you'll use them as a crutch not to do, what you need to do.

 

[bhandsome]

TX-Beau - I will never base my life around them, but I can't help but think how they will be affected by this. It's not a big deal, just a thought.

 

[TX-Beau]

TX-Beau - Your words really hit home for me. I can easily say I'm gay repeatedly to myself without a worry. But, actions speak louder than words.

Being gay will not define me, it's not something I will publicly admit unless confronted (this applies for after I come out).

I thought the same thing; I'll know I'm ready when I actually tell someone. I feel the urge to do it every-single-day, I think that day is getting closer. Now to choose the right person.

Being gay will define you, just like your name defines you, and your nationality defines you, your ethnicity, you family, and your character, and your job, and your hair color, all of that is part of you, and all of it is who you are, and yet none of it singly is the sum total.

I thought that when I first came out to someone, that it would be just him, no one else, I'd keep it close, and when I was ready I'd tell someone else, but after I did it, within two weeks I'd told everyone.

It was that liberating for me - and I've never looked back.

 

[TX-Beau]

TX-Beau - I will never base my life around them, but I can't help but think how they will be affected by this. It's not a big deal, just a thought.

Well, it is a big deal, and they will be affected, and they will need time to deal with it, just like you did. But that can't determine the terms of your life.

 

[mpdan]

First, take a deep breath. Then say to yourself "This is who I am, this is whom I want to be" I've come a long way but I know if I tell one person then my house of cards will collapse and all will know"

You want to be the person to personally tell your family and friends. There is no kitchen timer ticking so just take that metaphor out of your brain and toss it over the fence. Your time WILL come, I can't tell you when, but it will not be 20 years down the road. Society has changed, thank god.

So in the mean time concentrate on yourself: First take a deep breath. Then say to yourself : this is who I am, this is whom I want to be- I've come a long way and I need to trust in myself.

 

[bhandsome]

TX-Beau - Valid points and you're right.

mpdan - Thank you for your response. I do need to calm down a bit. I just get random burst of frustration about my sexuality and go on paragraph rants like this, haha.

 

[bhandsome]

reone - Thanks for your response. You make some good points and I will keep your words in mind.

 

[bhandsome]

I was eating lunch with a couple of my frat brothers today and all that ran through my mind was, "How will our relationship change if I told them I was gay?"

 

[bhandsome]

So today I was with a few of my frat brothers and one of them made a rather uncomfortable comment. This was in reference to life and things could be worse:

"My dad always said that if things are going bad, its not as bad as having a dick up your ass. I wouldn't want to go through life knowing I had a dick up my ass."

What do you guys think of this comment?

When he made this comment he wasn't referring to being conceited, he really meant that having sex with a man is demoralizing. I know that I won't be easily accepted by all my frat brothers but it's not a comfortable situation; especially when I'm trying to come out.

 

[mpdan]

Ok, I have a son 18 and a daughter 19 in college. How important is this frat house to you? Will it help you advance your degree? Or will it give you cheap housing?

What I just read was " My frat buddy made a total homophobic statement, as told to him by his homophobic parent. None of my frat brothers told him to go to hell, they just accepted it"

Move away - it is the end of the semester and a good time to get a shared apartment. Then you can pick any former frat brothers you wish to level with. But stay away from Mr. Homophobia. This man is trouble.

Do I sound incensed? it might be because my son attends the same college I did. And it is also the same college Tyler Clementi (see the garden of memories forum) attended until he jumped from the GWB spanning NY and NJ because of a wealthy, harassing homophobic roommate who made his life a living hell. This crap isn't supposed to happen in the northeast forty years after Stonewall.

 

[Seasoned]

WOW! How was that suppose to be helpful to your frat brother hearing that from his father? And now it seems as though he is willing to pass that on and perhaps even to his sons who may even be gay. It never fails to surprise me how little of life is taught in school and how it's all about courses and subjects.

Equating rape with a consentual sex act and saying it enough for his son to remember it says a lot about his dad. I know I would have asked, "why do you think your dad was so afraid of being raped?"

There are a million issues at stake with homophobia, but you overcame the most difficult and congratulations for that. You came out to yourself.

You are a good guy who needs to be about the business of school. Don't get distracted from your studies.

Don't project feelings on to other people like your mom. My mom is 90 and all she wants for me is to be healthy and happy.

None of this is about being ok at some future time. You are ok today, very ok. Now go buy yourself some sexy underpants.

 

[oakpope]

For me, accepting I was gay was way more lengthy and painful that coming out to others. Coming out may be rather different for every one of us. For some that has alleviate considerably their live, for me coming out to my mother did nothing to me, because it was me the problem.

I honestly believe that it is the self acceptance that is the most difficult part of being who you are. And you seem to be far on this road already. Coming out is your decision, it is when, where, with whom and if you choose to do it. But always remember that you are a beautiful human being and nothing the people you live with can take away that from you. There are fools everywhere, even among those you think are friends, don't be surprised if some manifest, make up your own mind with these people. If you want to challenge them, you can, if you want to avoid them, you can. You are the better judge of your situation. So it is perfectly ok to come out today, tomorrow, next month, next year, maybe never if it is what you truely wish. The pressure is mainly the pressure you impose on yourself. Yes it is society that makes us doubt ourself, think that maybe we are "inferior", but it is you, yourself that can decide that this is bullshit. Once you see that, nobody will be able to take it away from you.

You are as normal as everybody else in the world, you are as different as anybody else in the world.

Have hope, courage for these difficult moments