That's the unhappiest closet in the world.
I know, his “
Christian Morals,” forbid him from letting anyone know, but they don’t forbid him the sleeping with men thing. Go figure.
Evidently it's not immoral to have a boyfriend and all that gay monkey sex - it's just immoral if someone else finds out.
To the OP:
I’m going to take somewhat of a harder line with you than some of the others. What you’re doing is escapism. You’re running away from your problem. Stop it. Grab your scrotum and face down your fear. Yes that’s hard, and yes that’s scary, but if you don’t you’ll let this thing rule you forever.
Sit in your house, say out loud:
“
I’m a gay man, that’s a good thing, that’s me, and it’s my life, my terms, my decisions, I refuse to hide anymore, and fuck anyone who doesn’t like it.”
Keep repeating that to yourself until you can get through it without cringing in your head – until you can accept it.
Get angry if you have to, at all the things keeping you stagnant, all those things everyone else gets, but you can't have in your closet, all the deceptions, the loneliness, the distance the closet requires you keep between you and everyone else in order to preserve the lie.
If you want to be happy with yourself you need a clean break – drop the fucking “
burden,” then go build an honest foundation for your life.
How? Start with yourself, repeat the above over and over and over. It all starts with you, and in the end, you will come out because of you. The
only people who keep us in our closets are ourselves.
OK, depression – and yes a lot of closeted gay men are depressed. Why? You already know why, you outlined it pretty explicitly in your first post. Your depression is probably getting in the way of you making friends, people generally pick that up fast and avoid it.
No matter what some other closet cases in here might argue, lying and deceit will take a toll on your self esteem and self respect. How can you respect yourself if you aren’t honest about who you are? Not to mention living in fear like a scared child.
It’s
your life,
your happiness,
your decision. No one can take that away from you, so you need to find a way to motivate yourself out of the paralysis and make a choice.
If that means counseling get it, if it means forcing yourself out of the house – do so. In the end, you simply decide that you’re
not going to carry that burden anymore - and when you let it go, the relief you feel will feel like the world taken off your shoulders. Yes you’re scared - we were all scared, but ask yourself this, why on earth are you so attached to your “
burden?” What has it done for you but break you down, perhaps you should try something else for a change.
How much of your youth do you want to waste on this? You don't get your years back, and the best argument ever for coming out and living your own life, on your own terms, are the guys who never did, who's regrets over a life lived in hiding are the only thing they ever had.
