To all the closeted guys who have not come out to their families....

[bounder]

In the bible at 1st Cor 6:9 it tells of all the people who will not inherit Gods Kingdom (which is a paradise on earth) and it includes men who are having sex with men.

Does that mean you're doomed too?

 

[Lube]

But i do not have your burden cause i like girls too.

I think it best not to let people at work know cause it's none of their business. I will probably never tell my family either

Um, you do have his burden: a bisexual is gay and straight. Being bi isn't any less "bad" to people who hate gays. Please understand that.

If you don't talk to people at work about your private life, they just assume you're gay. So that, too, solves nothing.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

of course no one is exempt....if i'm out doing wrong and don't change my ways....which i have made drastic changes just in the past year...then yea I may not make it....


y is this all about me all of a sudden...i know im the baddest lol but lets get back to the subject at hand....then yall get all pissed when it becomes all about me...

Ha, you believe in an imaginary being!

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>My mom doesn't approve of gays or homosexuality but that doesn't bother me i just don't want her to disown me. I think some things are better left unspoken but if you must and it bothers you enough go ahead and tell the people you want to know about it. It may be pretty obvious to family as time goes on if you never get with a woman or have kids so i mean you will have to explain sometime. Just breathe and live life to the fullest don't listen to what others think about you.

I don't keep different parts of my life separate. At work, I'm not some magical creature that shows up at 9 and leaves at 5. I don't hide my employment from my friends and boyfriends under the guise of "it's none of your fucking business". Maybe you've got the sort of job where nobody ever interactions in a friendly fashion with one another, and you never tell your family about what's going on in your life. If so, then yeah, I guess there's no reason to come out. But at every job I've held, I've gotten chatty with at least some of the people there. When I go on vacation, and they ask where I went, should I lie? Or should I say "It's none of your fucking business where I went"? No, I just say "I went to (wherever) with my partner." They say "Did you have a good time?" It's such not a big deal.

>>>I just came out to some of my best friends in the whole world and they were really supportive saying i can't help who i am or the way i was born so i was lucky there.

Not lucky, actually. I mean, I guess it's nice they support you, but I don't know if I'd respond that well to "Well, you can't help being gay". True, I can't, but that sort of implies there's something wrong with it. I can't help being male or six feet tall, either, but nobody seems to think that's something they have to overlook.

Lex

 

[momoman]

Hey man, I feel for you, I really do.

I was recently, PULLED out of the closet by my own mother, things were SHIT to begin with, she said some ghastly things. But now, we're cool, she and I make jokes about it now.

I find that saying it to yourself once in a while "Hey, I'm gay" or whatever, when someone is trying to have a "Straight" talk with you (e.g. "Hasn't she got like the biggest tits in the building?") makes you feel a lot better, and more superior 'cause you "Know something they don't know"

Also, I'm with quite a few people on here in regards to religion. IMHO, it's a load of crap. I'm Atheist. And that's my 2c so don't go jumping down my throat

If you ever need to talk man, PM me or pop a message on my FB Messages Inbox or something. I'm always there/here for a guy who needs me

momoman, xx.

 

[Blaze2010]

I don't keep different parts of my life separate. At work, I'm not some magical creature that shows up at 9 and leaves at 5. I don't hide my employment from my friends and boyfriends under the guise of "it's none of your fucking business". Maybe you've got the sort of job where nobody ever interactions in a friendly fashion with one another, and you never tell your family about what's going on in your life. If so, then yeah, I guess there's no reason to come out. But at every job I've held, I've gotten chatty with at least some of the people there. When I go on vacation, and they ask where I went, should I lie? Or should I say "It's none of your fucking business where I went"? No, I just say "I went to (wherever) with my partner." They say "Did you have a good time?" It's such not a big deal.

Well i do talk with people at work and i wouldn't care to tell them but like i said i'm not gonna ofter up any info unless asked! I could really care less what people think about me being Bi but i do care about family idk why i do but i do. I can't help that! I will come out to my family in time but that's what it's gonna take is time. As for work if someone was to ask if i was gay i'd say no but i am Bi so what big deal. If i find a guy to be with and we go out on a date and people at work ask where i went and who with i'm not gonna lie. But until asked a question about stuff like that i say it is none of their business so i'm not gonna say "Yea i went out and fucked a guy this weekend" that would be inappropriate! I'm just using that as a point not saying anyone would ever put it that way. So for now i'm open to the world if asked but not to my family. I know that sounds like Bullshit but that's me so oh well i guess.

Not lucky, actually. I mean, I guess it's nice they support you, but I don't know if I'd respond that well to "Well, you can't help being gay". True, I can't, but that sort of implies there's something wrong with it. I can't help being male or six feet tall, either, but nobody seems to think that's something they have to overlook.

Lex

It really doesn't bother me at all cause actually one of my friends(girl) fessed up to being Bi as well so that made me feel better. Well ask yourself can you help being the way you are? I know i can't! I can try to be someone else but why would i? Everyones different i may like something you don't or i may think being Christian is wrong and you don't. Not that i think that. That is the way the world is everyone has a different opinion on what "Normal" really is or what is right and what is wrong.


I am not trying to be a smart ass just merely stating that i'm not really living 2 separate lives i'm just not offering up anything about my personal life. The way i think is if i'm asked something i'll answer it truthfully, but i don't usually start a conversation it's the other people. I thank you for your point of view though If i offended or offend you in anyway i'm sorry. I am just different i guess.

 

[G-Lexington]

We're now a couple people removed from OP, but I guess that's just as well, as long as a good exchange is still going.

>>>Well i do talk with people at work and i wouldn't care to tell them but like i said i'm not gonna ofter up any info unless asked! I could really care less what people think about me being Bi but i do care about family idk why i do but i do. I can't help that! I will come out to my family in time but that's what it's gonna take is time. As for work if someone was to ask if i was gay i'd say no but i am Bi so what big deal. If i find a guy to be with and we go out on a date and people at work ask where i went and who with i'm not gonna lie. But until asked a question about stuff like that i say it is none of their business so i'm not gonna say "Yea i went out and fucked a guy this weekend" that would be inappropriate! I'm just using that as a point not saying anyone would ever put it that way. So for now i'm open to the world if asked but not to my family.

There's nothing wrong with the whole "I'll tell them if they ask" in theory, but it's been my experience that:

1. people don't often ask directly ("are you gay?").
2. folks feel they can dodge all other questions, since they weren't asked THE question.

So if they went on a weekend getaway to the mountains with their boyfriend (say), and somebody asks "What'd you do this weekend?", they'll answer, "I went to the mountains, and I had a good time." Because that person didn't ASK, right? And if that person asks "Did you go alone?", they might answer "I went with a friend" (which isn't a lie - you ARE friends with your boyfriend, right?) or "I just started dating, so we went together" (which isn't a lie - you just neglected to mention the gender, right?). Actually, right now, if somebody asked "Are you gay?", you might just say "No, I'm not"...saving the rationale "I'm bi" to yourself. And think that you're being totally honest, because nobody's asked you if you're bi.

The issue there is that it becomes a game. You ARE, at this point, deliberately hiding this aspect of your life, even if under the guise of "I was being totally honest with my answers". Which seems to contradict the stance of "I'll tell them if asked".

"Coming out" doesn't mean putting up the rainbow flag in your cubicle, or getting into people's faces about it. It just means being forthcoming about it. I've had co-workers find out I'm gay the day they meet me, and others find out months later. It just depends on how much time we spend together, what sort of things are said when they're around, or (most obviously) if my partner comes in to see me at work.

>>>It really doesn't bother me at all cause actually one of my friends(girl) fessed up to being Bi as well so that made me feel better. Well ask yourself can you help being the way you are? I know i can't! I can try to be someone else but why would i?

I think you're missing my point. Say I came out to a friend, and she said "That's OK - you can't help it". That sort of implies "...because if you could, you wouldn't be gay." In short, being gay is some sort of burden that you can't help, so hey, best try to put a happy face on it, right?

Sorry, but that's not the case. If I could switch my sexuality today, I wouldn't. I don't consider my sexuality to be some sort of burden. As rareboy puts it, "It's not a curse - it's a blessing". So if this friend told me "I can't help it", I'd work on making her see that it's something that even if I could "help", I wouldn't.

Lex

 

[Blaze2010]

We're now a couple people removed from OP, but I guess that's just as well, as long as a good exchange is still going.

There's nothing wrong with the whole "I'll tell them if they ask" in theory, but it's been my experience that:

1. people don't often ask directly ("are you gay?").
2. folks feel they can dodge all other questions, since they weren't asked THE question.

So if they went on a weekend getaway to the mountains with their boyfriend (say), and somebody asks "What'd you do this weekend?", they'll answer, "I went to the mountains, and I had a good time." Because that person didn't ASK, right? And if that person asks "Did you go alone?", they might answer "I went with a friend" (which isn't a lie - you ARE friends with your boyfriend, right?) or "I just started dating, so we went together" (which isn't a lie - you just neglected to mention the gender, right?). Actually, right now, if somebody asked "Are you gay?", you might just say "No, I'm not"...saving the rationale "I'm bi" to yourself. And think that you're being totally honest, because nobody's asked you if you're bi.

The issue there is that it becomes a game. You ARE, at this point, deliberately hiding this aspect of your life, even if under the guise of "I was being totally honest with my answers". Which seems to contradict the stance of "I'll tell them if asked".

"Coming out" doesn't mean putting up the rainbow flag in your cubicle, or getting into people's faces about it. It just means being forthcoming about it. I've had co-workers find out I'm gay the day they meet me, and others find out months later. It just depends on how much time we spend together, what sort of things are said when they're around, or (most obviously) if my partner comes in to see me at work.

I think you're missing my point. Say I came out to a friend, and she said "That's OK - you can't help it". That sort of implies "...because if you could, you wouldn't be gay." In short, being gay is some sort of burden that you can't help, so hey, best try to put a happy face on it, right?

Sorry, but that's not the case. If I could switch my sexuality today, I wouldn't. I don't consider my sexuality to be some sort of burden. As rareboy puts it, "It's not a curse - it's a blessing". So if this friend told me "I can't help it", I'd work on making her see that it's something that even if I could "help", I wouldn't.

Lex

Ok for the first part of your post about them askin if i am gay. Well if someone does ask me that i would say no i am not gay but i am bi because like i stated earlier i don't care what they think really. I am not gonna offer it up but not gonna mask it either so if they want to know all they have to do is ask! Ok as for my friend i'm sure she didn't mean it like it sounds she was just being supportive. It didn't really bother me so that's the point i guess. I wouldn't change how i am if i could either! I like being me and don't care about what people think just my family and i don't know why that is, it's just hard for me with family. But someday i'll tell them not every can or will come out to their family. I mean coming out to people you only know as friends or you don't know that well is easier for me. I just happen to find it hard for me to come out to my family is there any problem with that? It's not a crime to be this way and i don't feel ashamed because it's who i am. I just have the feeling they may not love me the same way, then again idk. Lets just leave it at i don't care what people (except family) think because it's who i am and will always be!

 

[AverageJoe]

My life doesn't really revolve around my sexuality, so it's pretty easy.

 

[TX-Beau]

My life doesn't really revolve around my sexuality, so it's pretty easy.

Come on, sexuality is a huge part of all of our lives. You don’t walk out of your house and become an asexual genderless neuter person.

Sexuality is everywhere you look. It always has been. Why, because we’re all geared for sex. From the time puberty hits and our sex drive kicks in, we spend a huge amount of time dealing with sexuality and issues related to it.

For straight people this is a given. You never hear them say “My life doesn't really revolve around my sexuality,” because it does. Their families are all about their sexuality and those pretty much run their lives.

So why do some gay guys always pull this old chestnut out of the fire. Why is it different for gay men?

We all know why.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

My life doesn't really revolve around my sexuality, so it's pretty easy.

Come on, sexuality is a huge part of all of our lives.

Wrong and wrong. My life doesn't revolve around sports/food/fashion/religion/music/whatever, but it does for other people. What I mean is, you guys can't generalize like that. There are people whose lives do revolve around sex, and there are (straight and gay) people whose lives don't. Sexuality is not an insignificant part of our lives, but it's not the most important part of it either.

As for the original topic, and as someone who is still in the closet: If you're not happy in the closet, come out. Assuming absolutely no one knows, choose someone you really trust and tell when you think it's right. But, and it's been mentioned here, your life will most likely not be happier automatically - you still don't have friends and you still think of yourself as a "zero". You need some self steem first, and then when you are happy with yourself, you can think about telling other people.

Finally, it's awful to find that most people who say "my life doesn't revolve around my sexuality" (because I say it often around here), are mostly religious nuts. D:

 

[Lube]

RyuuseiBoy and JustLove: what TxBeau said is our lives revolve around our *sexuality*, not that our lives revolve around *sex*! There's a huge difference!

Our lives revolve around finding a mate, and marriage, and having kids. You see photos of families at work; wedding photos on desks; engagement and wedding rings on ring fingers; chats about what people did on a date over the weekend, etc. Etc.

At every moment, our sexuAlity is broadcast loud and clear.

 

[rareboy]

This is sooooo false...i know MANY straight guys who don't talk about it, mention it, etc....If your life REVOLVES around sex your addicted to it...and you have no life, and nothing going on in your life thats important. Normal human beings don't wake up saying SEX...thats not the first thing that pops in our heads. For others it is. Sure we get horny, sure we jack off, etc...If I see a hot girl or guy i will look but i will not break my neck for no one and think about how it would be in bed with them...some men do that. So your being stereotypical with men saying this is all every man thinks about...so when we are with our families, friends, at work, sleeping, etc doing normal things this is what we think about?

Do we make our schedule based on sex? Come on....i mean really now...maybe your life is dependent on sex...but many others aren't...unless your a prostitute lol. But honestly do you really believe that?

I know we're wasting our efforts here, but as has been noted, there is a huge difference between sex and sexuality.

Obviously even JL's life revolves around his ambivalent notions about his own sexuality.
But back to topic.

 

[TX-Beau]

Very true but the way he was referring to it was sex not sexuality. And No not at every moment...unless you stereotype people...which is ignorant.

No I wasn't. i didn't mention the act of sex once.

People like you deliberately conflate the act of sex with sexuality because if you don't, this argument falls flat on it's ass.

It's painfully obvious that sexuality is a public thing and always has been. It's painfully obvious that it's a HUGE factor in people's lives and always has been. It's painfully obvious that the only reason someone might want to argue with this is because they don't want other people to look at their sexuality.

Why might that be.

So, since you think that it's only a sin if you have sex, why are you also in the closet?

We all know why.

 

[AverageJoe]

Finally, it's awful to find that most people who say "my life doesn't revolve around my sexuality" (because I say it often around here), are mostly religious nuts. D:

I'm about as anti-religious as they get. It's cool if other people are, but I think I'm more likely to practice Hatian voodoo than Christianity...

Actually, the only thing I hate is being the fifth wheel. Now that all of my friends are starting to get married and all, I always feel out of place hanging with them.

 

[TX-Beau]

Wrong and wrong. My life doesn't revolve around sports/food/fashion/religion/music/whatever, but it does for other people. What I mean is, you guys can't generalize like that. There are people whose lives do revolve around sex, and there are (straight and gay) people whose lives don't. Sexuality is not an insignificant part of our lives, but it's not the most important part of it either.

Right right right. I find it suspicious whenever people try and reduce sexuality to the level of - say fashion - (which is all about sexuality incidentally.)

Why? Because that smells like repression.

As we've already covered - I never once mentioned the act of sex, but you had to bring that into this, because like I said before, it's painfully obvious that sexuality is a huge factor in everyone's lives - and other people's sexuality impacts your life, and this has always been the way it is. Always. From Ancient Egyptians to Modern Australians.

Why, because it's an innate biological drive that's certainly not on par with religion or music.

Sexuality is why we are all still here. Argue with that.

So yes, when I come across someone who tells me it's no different than sports really. I have to wonder what the motive behind repressing it's importance might be.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

It's not that sexuality is not very important, and mine is probably repressed being a 22 years old virgin guy. But I happen to agree with this article. Especially this part:

Take sex. "Sex may be pleasurable to everyone, but it isn't equally motivational," says Reiss. Some people orient their whole lives around sex, while some people put very little effort or energy into pursuing it. It's the same for every desire. Some people are pursuing achievement and some people are not. Some people put a great deal of importance on family, and others don't."

Do you really don't know anyone whose life revolves more around his/her passion for sports/films/music/whatever than around his/her sexuality? I mean, it's not that those people completely neglect their sexuality - but they think other aspects of their lives are equally or more important than that.

Sexuality is why we are all still here. Argue with that.

Sexuality is how we are still here, it's how we reproduce. I could say eating is even more important - you can live without having sex (despite the unhealthy consequences), but you can't live without eating. You eat when you're a baby and you'll probably eat the last day of your life. Now, there are people whose lives do revolve around food, it's their biggest passion, but that's not the case for everyone.

 

[TX-Beau]

It's not that sexuality is not very important, and mine is probably repressed being a 22 years old virgin guy. But I happen to agree with this article. Especially this part:

Sexuality is how we are still here, it's how we reproduce. I could say eating is even more important - you can live without having sex (despite the unhealthy consequences), but you can't live without eating. You eat when you're a baby and you'll probably eat the last day of your life. Now, there are people whose lives do revolve around food, it's their biggest passion, but that's not the case for everyone.

Look, you are still focusing on the act of sex – and so is your article.

My sister’s sexuality has a big impact on my life. She has toddlers, and a husband, and I have to deal with them. If she were a lesbian, I’d have a nicer back yard, there wouldn’t be finger-paints on my expensively painted walls, or cheap beer in my refirgerator.

That’s all about sexuality, and has nothing to do with the act of sex.

I would agree that hunger is one of those huge biological drives. Think how much effort and ingenuity we as a species spend on food (far more than fashion or sports) – and if we’re no longer mostly farmers, that’s only because we put such a huge, consistent effort into efficient food production.

But if that all disappeared tomorrow, you’d be out in the fields like the rest of us – and how much of your life would then be about finding food? That’s not music.

This in no way lessens the impact of sexuality on our lives.

Sexuality IS NOT how we reproduce, once again, that’s the act of sex. Sexuality is what happens before you ever get there, it’s what happens socially. How you find a mate, or just a hook up, what kind of person you find attractive. The dynamics and makeup of our families, the company we keep, the expectations of others, whether we hide in the closet or not, are all about our sexuality. The way we deal with other people’s partners and families, the advertising on the TV, not to mention the content of both fashion and music, and I’d even toss in sports to some degree; ALL have huge components of sexuality intrinsic to then.

People can be very different, and I have no doubt that some people need more SEX than others, but all of us deal with sexuality in ourselves and in our lives, all the time. Whether we choose to or not, whether it’s our own or someone else’s – and that’s never been any different.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Makes sense, I agree. You always have strong and clear arguments

But then, I guess I'm not that repressed. I don't see my 'sexuality' changing that much when I come out, except for how people will perceive me. I mean, that practically already happened when I came out to my mom. I didn't change at all... and neither did she, lol.

 

[hijodelaestrella]

It is hard living in the closet, but I live with the hope that one day I'll be strong enough to tell my family. Remember that your sexuality does not define you and you shouldn't feel like you have to come out if you're not ready.

Took the words right out of my mouth. I hate living in the closet , but I know in my heart that I will come out one day (soon). Hell, my 32-year-old cousin just came out as a lesbian 2 months after filing for legal separation from her husband of 6 years... My time is coming.