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To all the closeted guys who have not come out to their families....

It might make me a minority around here, but I'm closeted - at work, with most of my friends, and with my family. Some close friends know, but that's it. I'm at an age, maturity level, and comfort level that I could easily come out. It would be a few weeks of awkward questions, maybe some people would take it badly, but it would be fine.

But, for now, I like the privacy. I like having something just for me.

I guess what I mean is, don't think of it as a barrier to happiness. People find their own niches, their own ways of being. Find a way to be comfortable with yourself. If you are okay with keeping parts of your life from the people you love, for now, I say don't force yourself to feel bad about it.

Of course, if you feel like you are hurting yourself or them by holding back - by all means, tell. I'm just saying, do what feels right. Only you can make that choice.
 
^Nothing personal, but that feels like a total cop-out.

Do you not tell your family if you're left-handed?

Do you really think they haven't figured out (or at least guessed) that you're gay/curious?
 
Maybe they've guessed. I don't really care about that, or if it's a cop out. It's not about them, it's not about any sort of ideological movement. It's about how I feel, at this time.

I'm just saying it's okay to take some time. This whole community is about following what you feel, and not giving into external pressures. Instructing him to feel somehow less for keeping this to himself is just as arbitrary as instructing him to hide it if he feels it should be shared.
 
@Patros: but at some point, your personal life and your social life will clash together. Will you enjoy dodging the bullets all the time? You and your family, at some moment, will have something to your relationship status. You don't think they gonna suspect anything? If you keep avoiding their questions, about 60% percents they already smell it.
 
Like I said, it's not about them suspecting, or me hiding, or me worrying. If I was 15 and coming out, maybe that would be an issue.

I can't be the only one who has felt comfortable with their sexuality who has decided to keep it personal for some time. I don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll stop here. My only advice is, don't ever let people dictate this process to you: do what seems right to you. Don't create a spectre of shame when one isn't there -- whether it's imposed by "straight" society or some sort of gay impetus to "be who you are."

Tell who you want, when you are ready. That should be your marching orders, IMO.
 
^ And that brings us back to the original post and all that followed.
 
Patros said:
It might make me a minority around here, but I'm closeted - at work, with most of my friends, and with my family. Some close friends know, but that's it. I'm at an age, maturity level, and comfort level that I could easily come out. It would be a few weeks of awkward questions, maybe some people would take it badly, but it would be fine.

But, for now, I like the privacy. I like having something just for me.
Click to expand...


But it is about you hiding. The closet is a lie, lie of omission, or lie of commission, usually both. That’s what it is. It’s not a natural state. You raise a gay boy in an environment where there is no negativity and stigma attached to being gay, and there will be no closet, no arguments about “privacy.”

You’re not the first guy to use this argument; in fact a lot of us have used this argument before. It’s kind of telling that the guys who use this argument are generally closeted or semi-closeted themselves.

If you are that secure with yourself, and that comfortable, why the need for secrecy? This isn’t about an “ideological movement,” whatever you mean by that – and no one is going to be able to tell you when to come out. So what, and if those of us who have been where you are, and said what you’re saying keep telling you that it’s better to be out, perhaps that’s because of experience.

But let’s not get into justifications about the closet. It’s there, we all know why, we all know how we end up there; and you want to call your relationships “private,” because ultimately you don’t want people to know you’re gay. There’s no way around that. This is obvious - if you didn’t care if people knew, you wouldn’t be in the closet, and you wouldn’t be calling that “privacy.”

Guys come out or not because of themselves. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't happen at all, but that doesn't mean that there is something innately "private," about our sexuality. We hide because of the stigma, because we don't want to be what we are, out of fear of how others might respond. We can try and justify that in a thousand different ways but it still remains true. That is the closet. It's unfortunate, and it's hard to overcome, but that is how it is.

You are in effect calling something “private,” that isn’t private for anyone else at all. Why the difference?
 
Patros said:
Maybe they've guessed. I don't really care about that, or if it's a cop out. It's not about them, it's not about any sort of ideological movement. It's about how I feel, at this time.
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And apparently you feel ashamed.
 
I feel like I'm repeating myself a bit, especially with Tx and some others saying it all fantastically, but I guess I'll add another voice to the din...

The first thing I want to say is that we're all communicating on a sexuality-based internet forum, on a sub-forum specifically devoted to relationships. If we all truly believed that our sexuality and relationships were a private matter, and not inextricably linked with the rest of society, we wouldn't be here connecting with other human beings based on these things.

I honestly believe that sexuality (and I'm using that as a really broad term, not gay/straight/bi etc) is so much more pervasive than a lot of (especially straight) people think. It affects what we wear, what tv shows and movies we watch, how we speak to people..the list goes on. Heck, it even affects us while we're watching movies (do we raise the arm rest and snuggle a bit, or leave it down).

I agree with people that it's nobody's business if I love a man...but it IS people's business that I love someone. If I didn't know about my sister's boyfriend, how am I supposed to buy him a little present at christmas, or at least include his name on the card? If I don't know that my co-worker who I'm inviting to a dinner party has a partner, how am I supposed to know to set a place for them too? If I don't know that my male friend likes men and not girls, how do I know that asking him who his Top 5 chick celebrities to sleep with would make him uncomfortable?

I guess that's a really long-winded way of saying that to me at least, without even involving sex at all, sexuality is important in my life.

The last thing I want to say is that once again, for me at least, after coming out, a massive weight lifted off my shoulders that I hadn't even realised was there. All the little things I'd been doing to make sure that everything was kept in the closet was weighing me down. I was fat, unhappy and sick quite a lot. My parents often remark how my weight almost literally dropped off me once I came out. This has all been reinforced for me recently as Ive had to go back into the closet a bit with regards to my partner and his family, and since it hasnt been long enough to go into the unconcious yet, an upcoming meeting has me conciously thinking about what I should and shouldn't say, what topics to avoid to keep from getting trapped, etc etc etc.
 
I got to the point that I completely agree about the whole sexuality thing, but somehow I still don't want to come out. It's probably fear or something, hopefully it'll go away eventually. But what I'm sure of, is that I don't have all those problems about feeling brutally repressed or even having my health affected. That's probably why I'm still in the closet, because I'm rather comfortable, and it looks like a lot of guys come out because they can't tolerate their situations anymore.

Ok, that's longer than what I intended to say and this is not my topic >_>
 
Ryuusei Boy said:
I got to the point that I completely agree about the whole sexuality thing, but somehow I still don't want to come out. It's probably fear or something, hopefully it'll go away eventually. But what I'm sure of, is that I don't have all those problems about feeling brutally repressed or even having my health affected. That's probably why I'm still in the closet, because I'm rather comfortable, and it looks like a lot of guys come out because they can't tolerate their situations anymore.

Ok, that's longer than what I intended to say and this is not my topic >_>
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My family are very traditional - I'd never dream of comming out to them - I think they'd rather not know anyway.

My life is sort of split into two - those who are STR8 and don't know - then those who are gay.

With the former - I'm fairly serious and respectable - but to make up for it - I'm a real exhibitionist with other gay guys and have very few inhibitions.

So I think being "in the closet" can sometimes be a good thing - I don't really see why other people need to know all about me
 
Ryuusei Boy said:
I'm still in the closet, because I'm rather comfortable
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What message is that sending to out gay men?

You'll gladly let them take the bullets for you?

Should a Jew or Muslim or atheist pretend to be Christian so that they can continue to promulgate the status quo?
 
>>>What message is that sending to out gay men?

"Thanks for doing the heavy lifting, asshole." It's the American way. We don't stand on the shoulders of giants. We sit in recliners eating Doritos on the shoulders of giants...and then complain that the view should be better.

Lex
 
Well, guys, I am coming out eventually, but I'd be lying if I tell you I'm ready right now. I think you're OK with people coming out when they feel ready, right? You may think 22 is too old to be in the closet, but I guess it's different for everyone.

Oh, and I'm not American, and I hate Doritos and junk food in general :lol:
 
^ I wondered if some people might not have picked up on the fact that there may be other cultural reasons for guys not rushing out of the closet.

Particularly in North America, we tend to be very short tempered and pushy when it comes to guys coming out because we have a cultural landscape that begs, if not demands this approach.

But I hope we respect that it may not be the same in many other countries.

So yes.

Come out when you're ready.
 
Some gay men just aren't as introspective as others. A lot of gay guys project but like, if you're an introverted gay man that likes internet communication chances are you might have a tendency to assume that all gay men are a certain way and make generalizations based on that...

Extroverts do not internalize the way introverts do, so an extrovert isn't self-aware about like 'romantic love' in the way that introverts tend to be it's like they have the opposite issues that we do, and it's funny - so a lot of extroverted men don't even define themselves by their sexuality, people who are introverted usually enjoy things like psychology and sexual identity.

Not everybody is all big on the gay thing, WE are - this is a whole forum dedicated to our neurotic subjective impressions based on gays, I imagine y'all here tend to be the introverted writer sort. But you can't assume that of all gays, so an extroverted gay man needs help even realizing it to himself.

So it's just not an issue with them like it us. Introverts are artists and need a lot of meaning in life, we need gay to 'mean something', extroverts just don't care (gay or straight)
 
The biggest reason not to come out is my job, I like having it. I am in the process of applying for a foreman position and in the workplace environment that I work in coming out would screw all of that up. I am out to the people who count.
 
Once I came out to my mom, the rest of the world was fair game. But as far as coming out at my job, I'm not too sure about that. I avoid talking about sex/sexuality in the workplace just because it makes me uncomfortable (not in the mood for those types of conversations).

The only way I can see coming out (indirectly) at work is if there was some type of event where we'd bring our significant other. Other than that, it shouldn't be the topic of conversation.
 
rareboy said:
^ I wondered if some people might not have picked up on the fact that there may be other cultural reasons for guys not rushing out of the closet.

Particularly in North America, we tend to be very short tempered and pushy when it comes to guys coming out because we have a cultural landscape that begs, if not demands this approach.

But I hope we respect that it may not be the same in many other countries.

So yes.

Come out when you're ready.
Click to expand...
Definitely the case, I've lived for 10 years in this city and I don't know one single out gay guy. Not even one. I know guys who might be gay, but they're not open about it. There are zero gay communities/clubs/associations around here, if you want to meet gay people you better like nightclubs (which I don't).
 
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