To Worry or Not...

[The_Reaper]

Well, I suppose I may as well share with someone...Lord knows I won't tell anyone I know in real life all the crazy shit that goes on in my head. Actually, chances are good that 1/2 way through this post, I'll go 'fuck it' and delete everything I've written and go do something else.

I've come to the realization that something is not right with me. I'm not quite sure what it is, although I do realize that it is something.

I know people yell at people for self-diagnosing, but I can't help but go through information on the internet and try to see if I can't determine what the hell is actually wrong with me.

For awhile, people thought it was some kind of anxiety disorder. But I don't think that's true. I may not be good with interpersonal relations, but I have no trouble doing the public speaking thing or performing in drama and such. So, I don't believe it is that.

The problem is; I see numerous symptoms of quite a few disorders but not enough to really get a general idea of what to go see a doctor for, to be prepared.

I am by no means a hypochondriac, just so you all know, there is actually something wrong with me I just can't classify it. So, I suppose there's nothing better to do than just explain what I think it wrong, possible diagnoses, and then leave it on the table for anyone who wants to respond.

I don't know how to act around people in an interpersonal setting. I don't like jumping into open conversations; if people are sitting around before class and talking about movies or what not AND I know a lot about it, I stay silent. I don't know if it's a mentality of 'speak when spoken to' or what, but I find it hard to just have a random conversation with some one.

Further to that point, I really don't know how to make friends. If someone starts talking to me, for whatever reason, I'm not good with making a conversation last. Perhaps its from the need to see a purpose to everything, and that if I don't see a purpose in talking about one's weekend, I won't really do so...

I over-analyze everything. If someone talks to me, out of the blue, I immediately start to wonder why they did it; if they are trying to get something out of it, if perhaps they have a 'deeper' interest in me...Or a myriad of other possibilities. I wouldn't call it paranoia per se, but there is a thought of uncertainty and distrust that someone would just randomly start talking to me.

I suppose, to an extent, I'm uncomfortable with the unfamiliar. I like pattern and habit. Structure. I don't like just hanging around if there's no plan. I find it boring and unbearable to just sit at a friend's house and simply do nothing...Something has to be done or I get really antsy.

To complicate matters, I am seeing quite a number of 'depressive' tendancies within my daily life. This has been occurring for quite awhile, with no real signs of getting better. Lack of energy, wanting to stay in bed all day, difficulty focusing on one thing for too long...

But at the same time, I do experience some symptoms of so-called 'mania.' Spending money I don't have on things I don't really need...A decrease need for sleep at certain hours of the day, energy that seems to come from no where...Trouble sleeping, etc, etc, etc...

I'm sure there are things that I'm missing...But for the most part, that's generally what my life has been. However, I suppose I should include this one last thing. I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOWEVER THAT I HAVE NO INTENTION ON ACTING ON SUCH THOUGHTS, NOR WOULD I EVER! EVEN THOUGH I'M HAVING A ROUGH TIME, I DO ACTUALLY HAVE THINGS TO LIVE FOR AND WOULDN'T DREAM OF LOSING THEM....

That being said, the idea of self-termination has been in the back of my mind for a while...Roughly, for three months, once or twice a day the thought pops into my head about how I may actually be better off no longer existing. As stated before though, I have no intention to act on such thoughts, as I think they are quite foolish and a silly thing to do...BUT, they continue to intrude into my mind every once in awhile.

Well, that's my problems...And my solutions, well, according to everything I've looked at...

I could very well be Bipolar; I could suffer from avoidant personality disorder; I might be autistic, a VERY minor form there of; or I just might be clinically depressed.

But as stated before, none of them explain everything and CERTAINLY I do not meet the requirements of all. I had gone to a doctor before, to be tested for Bipolar Disorder, but they essentially jerked me around without actually proceeding on that front...So, perhaps I'm avoiding them because I feel that the same thing will happen this time.

Well, that's my rant. I'll be surprised if anyone actually read the entire thing and replies. I suppose, if at least, I could print this off and take it to a doctor if I decide to go that route again, and maybe it would help.

 

[jft245]

I can relate. When I was in my teens and twenties, I had quite a few of the same feelings as you. Although I never sought out medical help I was able to sort through everything. I found what really helped me was getting out of my isolated state and get into a job. My field was accounting but I actually ended up in retail management. Being forced into dealing with people helped me realize
that I was worth something, and if people couldn't accept me for who I was, then to hell with them. I was grossly overweight (I still am in fact) and I always felt that people judged me because of that. I couldn't accept the fact that people wanted to be friends with me. I have slowly learned that I am a good person, have a good sense of humor and can and make a contribution to my company and to my friends.

If you are having thoughts of suicide then I feel that you need to seek out help. Although you say that you have no intention of acting on such thoughts, counseling could help you understand why you think like that, and hopefully how to deal with those thoughts.

I am not a spiritual person, so telling you that my prayers are with you would not mean much. I hope telling you that someone cares and understands does mean something. Hang in there.

 

[KaraBulut]

In the old days, most people would just say that you are shy or introverted. These days, there would probably be a diagnosis like social anxiety disorder.

What you are describing is not unusual. There are plenty of people who are natural listeners. There are plenty of people who find chit-chat and trivial conversation to be tiring.

When you are in a social situation, do you feel anxious or panicky or are you just bored and don't have anything to say?

Do you find that you have trouble focusing on things for long periods of time? Do you have trouble focusing when multiple things are going on around you?

Do you have close friends that know you and with whom you can have a serious conversation?

When the subject interests you (e.g. politics, one of your hobbies, school, etc), are you more comfortable having a conversation?

 

[Horschallen]

Consult appropriate professionals and get their opinions about your conditions.

 

[The_Reaper]

In the old days, most people would just say that you are shy or introverted. These days, there would probably be a diagnosis like social anxiety disorder.

What you are describing is not unusual. There are plenty of people who are natural listeners. There are plenty of people who find chit-chat and trivial conversation to be tiring.

When you are in a social situation, do you feel anxious or panicky or are you just bored and don't have anything to say?

Do you find that you have trouble focusing on things for long periods of time? Do you have trouble focusing when multiple things are going on around you?

Do you have close friends that know you and with whom you can have a serious conversation?

When the subject interests you (e.g. politics, one of your hobbies, school, etc), are you more comfortable having a conversation?

I'll answer your questions, as I think they do indeed warrant response and perhaps can add further understanding.

I'm not anxious, at least I don't believe I am, when faced with social situations. I do suppose I am slightly nervous when meeting new people (such as friends of friends), and often withdraw and don't do much to stand out or get to know them. This is not always the case though; as I have done the totally 180 in the past and gone all the way out and even said a few things that are regrettable while meeting new people.

I do feel the bored/nothing to say part as well though...So, it could be a bit of those both things.

Long term focus does seem to be a problem; a bit more recently in terms of homework and such. I don't know if it's more so procrastination on my part, or if it's a symptom of a long term problem, but I do find myself doing something and often 'taking breaks' to do something else, but quickly growing bored with what I'm taking a break with.

As for focusing with things going on around me, that's not too hard actually. When I want to focus on something, at least when it interests me, I have no trouble keeping focused on what's in front of me. However, this is not always the case.

I do have a few close friends; with whom I am comfortable being around and talking to...But I often find myself actually questioning my friendships from time to time...As in wandering why I'm friends with these people, why I continue to be friends with these people, and all that stuff...

I actually had a melt down in front of my three close friends; in public, where I ended up saying I needed new friends and actually left them and drove home. They were all pretty upset for a day or two, but were patient and understanding at the time about what happened.

When the subject interests me, I have no trouble discussing it...BUT, if people I don't know are talking about it (as in before class), I still can't bring myself to jump into their conversation or throw in a small correction or what have you...

I think that about covers it.

 

[blahblahblah2007]

Why are you trying to pinpoint it? You sound like I did a few years ago.

It is clearly a mental/psychological disorder and that is all you need to know. Knowledge is power--- now go get help from your doctor, from a psychiatrist, and get counselling/CBT/cognitive behavioural therapy.

I am telling you this because I have had an anxiety/depression/OCD/they'reallthesame disorder since middle school and I left it WAY too long before I got help. I didn't stop thinking and it only got worse and worse.

PLEASE--- do not leave it until it gets too late like it almost did with me. NOBODY should have to suffer-- life CAN be easier than this for you. I want you to know that it CAN and WILL be easier if you seek help and empower yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think that about covers it.

Thanks for answering the additional questions.

The questions were intended to differentiate between a social anxiety disorder and more atypical social interaction disorders.

Based upon your answers, you would benefit from individual counseling. Some people have a natural tendency toward introversion and have trouble picking up on social cues with people that they don't know well. It is possible to learn to be more comfortable in social situations but it requires counseling and focus upon developing social interaction skills.