Told a stalker I had a boyfriend to get him to leave me alone

[Cedric]

Back in 2002, when I was living in a different city a reporter from the local paper had contacted me to interview me for a story he was writing. After the interview, he forwarded a draft of the story he was working on to my email address and asked me to check for accuracy. Then in the same email, he asked me if I was interested in spending the weekend with him at his vacation house. I was not attracted to him at all, so I just kept it professional--checking his article and mentioning nothing about his invitation. And call me old-fashioned, but I was also taken aback by his invitation. If he was interested in someone he met like that, I thought it would be appropriate to ask for a coffee date first (maybe even lunch or dinner), but a weekend getaway seemed out of line for a first encounter. Maybe that's just me.

He and I moved in some of the same social circles, so I would see him at functions over and over again after that incident. I always got a creepy vibe from him, and I always made sure I turned down any invitations that came my way from him.

I moved away from that city in 2006, and after that, I would get an email from him every now and then, but not very often. Maybe once a year. Then back in February, he contacted me again, but this time he wouldn't stop. I got email after email from him. They were always creepy and overstepped certain boundaries. At one point, he called me on my office phone over and over again wanting to talk to me, but I just ignored it. He didn't get any of my hints, so the emails kept on coming, and they kept on getting more passive-aggressive about not hearing from me. Around this time, I also got a slew of anonymous MP3 gifts from the Amazon.com music store (always love songs), and I suspected they came from him.

The final straw came when he mentioned something about attending a reporter's convention in a city about 5 hours away from me this summer, and the email made it seem as if I had already invited him to visit me as a "side trip" when he's there (who makes a "side trip" that's 5 hours away, anyway?). I wrote back with an exaggerated tone of confusion saying that I'm not even actually here for the summer since I'm spending it with my boyfriend who lives out of state. (Not true.)

Well, that unleashed more messages, one after another: how he didn't realize I was in a relationship; how much he admires me and thinks I'm nice to have been so nice to him; how he knows that I'm happy now; and if I'm happy then he's happy for me; yadda, yadda, yadda.

So I met my goal which was to get him to stop contacting me. Still, I don't know if I should have just told him the truth about simply not being attracted to him. Maybe if he had been more appropriate with me from the start, I would have been inclined to do it, but he just seemed like a very aggressively needy basket case, and I don't know if simply being honest with him would have been the best policy.

What do you think?

 

[swerve]

You shouldn't have made up a story to get him to back off...

And I'm sure you know that...

But my god -- what an ASS!!!

I've actually had people like that in my life -- and I try to be a nice guy -- but it is EXTRAORDINARILY AGGRAVATING when the WON'T get the HINT!!!

I've actually changed EMails -- and in 1 case my phone number -- just to get those mental cases off of my back...

Sorry you felt you had to go to that EXTREME -- but I understand where you were coming from...

 

[Cedric]

Thanks, swerve. I think I just needed someone who would empathize. I'd like to get to a point where I feel strong and confident enough just to say to someone "Sorry, I'm not interested," but I'm not there, yet.

Unfortunately, my work email and phone number are easily available to anyone who googles my name, so that's how he got a hold of me.

 

[pat grimshaw]

My last ex was crazy and insistent like that.

He was proud of what he called 'his American assertiveness' and insisted I was playing hard to get.

I now know he was attending weekly psych sessions.

 

[DigitalFudge]

This straight guy is literally asking me out on dates..... Has been for about 8 months.

Literally happened yesterday as the latest. I don't know how many times I had to meet another friend, or how many times my cat (That doesn't exist) exploded but I'm running out of options

Sad part? I got a bit sarcastic with him and long story short I said in a cheeky way "Why do you even try?" He replied "Fuck it I'm done" and two days later asks me out again.

I know how you feel

 

[Seasoned]

Alibis fair in love and war. I travel a lot and have been pursued by streetwalkers. I just tell them I'm married.

I hope the obsessed guy is a JUBBER and comes here for advice. I've got plenty for him.

Take care of yourself. Stalkers are no joke.

 

[Telstra]

Why don't you tell him firmly
"please DO NOT contact me or i'll report to the police" ?


email or text you is ok but calling you on a phone is over the line.

 

[Cedric]

I hope the obsessed guy is a JUBBER and comes here for advice. I've got plenty for him.

Lol! Seriously, though... I hesitated at first to post this message for fear that he may have an account here. I would actually hate to hurt his feelings. As much as I resented what he put me through from February through June of this year, I can sense that he's not an a-hole in any way. He's just extremely sad and lonely and has problems with interpersonal relationships. I have a feeling that he may have been abused as a kid. In my email message to him, I actually suggested that he seek professional help because I honestly do want to see him work out his emotional issues and get better. And you know what? He actually took it well and thanked me for my advice. And then he made good on his promise to leave me alone. I'm cutting and pasting below the paragraph from my message to him in which I told him he should get help:

"I hope this doesn't seem presumptuous of me, but I'm only telling you this
because I have a feeling that you will take it the right way--as a piece of
well-intentioned advice. You seem to have trouble gauging people's level of
intimacy with you. If you think back on your personal history and see a pattern
with this, maybe some life coaching will help you accomplish your goals of having
more satisfying interpersonal interactions?"

 

[AlmondMilk]

If I were that guy, I'd rather you just be firm and say that you appreciate it, but you're not interested. But I do have to give you credit for declining his invitations. Some guys would say something along the lines of, "We'll hang out some other day, " with no real intention to hang out. So it could have been worse.

Anywho, I think you did is what you did. Hopefully he'll just find himself someone else. If he continues, just say you'd prefer if he didn't contact you anymore or something in a nicer tone than what I offered.

 

[asu1117]

He sounds a bit mentally unhinged to me, I'd be wary. If this has gotten him to leave you alone (and hopefully continues to do so) then I don't see anything bad in it.

Take care of yourself. Stalkers are no joke.

Yes, they are. Be careful. I've actually had a few stalkers, it can get scary.

 

[rareboy]

The imaginary BF was the perfect ploy.