Too "bland" to get in a relationship?

[Mike8891]

I only dated this guy for a month before we broke up and I wouldn't take him back, but his new guy got me thinking. I can't say it doesn't hurt he found someone who's an "upgrade" from me. The new guy seems to know what he wants. He's working towards a career. He has hobbies. He can play an instrument. He can perform. He can smile for a picture. He can dance when they're out. He's radiant. He's actually "interesting". He has a lot of real friends. The fact he's gay doesn't seem to phase him at all (and good for him). They started dating less than a week after we broke up.

It just made me realize how bland I've become because right now I'm not any of the stuff I listed. And it sucks. So...what is it that people look for in relationships? I'm trying to look at it objectively and it doesn't look good for me. I think being in the closet and keeping everything to myself really made me shut down and become bland. It feels like it's impossible to become the person I could've been if I hadn't taken everything so seriously. I'm not career driven and my life has gotten insanely boring and pointless. Just see how whiny and negative this post is - major turn off. It's just how I am now.

Has anyone here managed to REALLY change as a person after coming out?

 

[exceeder]

Yes, I think i've changed, and for the better. Before coming out, I was always nervous, and felt uncertain (as though someone 'knew' my secret). However since coming out, I've found that i'm alot more confident, more energetic/active/social.. perhaps even intimidating sometimes.

Irrespective of that however, I think I see how you feel. If you want my two cents, I think the real thing you need to be looking at is how to better yourself as a person. What I mean is, really look to see where your interests are. You should not feel like you need another person to 'complete' you, but search for those things where your interests and talents lie to make yourself a happier person. Only then, I think, will people be naturally attracted to your self worth (if thats a good word to use).

But hey, maybe i don't know what i'm taking about XD

Hope everything works itself out for

 

[lostnfound]

Maybe it's not that you are "bland" but maybe not as confident as the new guy?

I'm sure you have some talents and good qualities, but perhaps you don't believe in yourself as strongly?

I had the same issue a year ago--I was dating a guy (I was in the closet btw) and was so shy and didn't have an ounce of confidence. I have some unique talents and traits, but my lack of confidence was probably unappealing.

 

[rareboy]

So.

You're not dead yet.

There's time to still become the person you want to be.

If you're not career driven, hopefully you have some passion for something?

If you were just a stoner who lives in your parents' basement, I'd be saying grow up, move out, become independent.

If you are just someone who has faded out to grey, time for you to start to take some chances. Travel. Volunteer for things. Take up a sport. Read more.

Be serious. Don't be solemn.

And yes, you can change for the better.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

confident

That is like the one thing that attracts me to guys...

 

[cornholio]

Has anyone here managed to REALLY change as a person after coming out?

to contribute my whiny and negative 2 cents:

I feel a lot better about being gay since coming out, I'm actually out and proud

But that's about it, I thought I'd change in other aspects of life, that I haven't been satisfied with. Find hobbies, do sports, be ambitious, take better care of myself, go dating and get out there, etc. But I didn't. Same old me, I guess.

Change must probably come with a lot of dicipline, so that improved behavior later simply turns into a habit. But I'm just too lazy.

BUT, the little experience I have made concerning falling in love with someone, is that I become more ambitious when I'm imagining myself to be in a relationship soon. Then I seem to want to bring out the best of mysefl. But those periods didn't last long

:shrugs:

 

[Audio Tech]

Has anyone here managed to REALLY change as a person after coming out?

OK, I'll see those 2 cents and raise another 2.

I have absolutely become a different person since coming out. Far more confident, at ease with myself. I know what I want, and not scared to go after it any more. I noticed that I'm also no longer afraid to look someone straight in the eyes when talking to them. I started to look after my body SERIOUSLY again, ( dropped 20 pounds already! ) do much more sport and do get out more. I no longer need to "hide" myself.

People HAVE noticed, and they seem to like it.

I have so far not worried much about dating, though. I am focusing on improving myself first, and let things just happen.

Yes, accepting who I am and having people know me as such HAS made a big, positive impact.

 

[Mike8891]

The only thing I'm passionate about is to go far away and travel. Gonna take a while before that happens. I'm not gonna be dating anyone anytime soon. Relationships just make you weaker than you thought you were.

I really can't think of anything I like. It's weird. I feel hollow. I started working out but I don't think that counts as a hobby. Confidence is probably more important than anything else but I can't see myself snapping out my self-consciousness. I think I'm fucked.

 

[evanrick]

your not fucked. there are many guys in your situation, even me! i wouldnt be so worried, you are dating.

 

[rareboy]

The only thing I'm passionate about is to go far away and travel. Gonna take a while before that happens. I'm not gonna be dating anyone anytime soon. Relationships just make you weaker than you thought you were.

I really can't think of anything I like. It's weird. I feel hollow. I started working out but I don't think that counts as a hobby. Confidence is probably more important than anything else but I can't see myself snapping out my self-consciousness. I think I'm fucked.

I'm not even going to ask why you are putting your life on hold and not travelling. Maybe it is the money. Maybe you are just intellectually and spiritually lazy. Maybe procrastination is your approach to life.

Obviously you are concerned or you wouldn't be reaching out for help.

The first thing is to get a check-up from your doc. Make sure that you have no trace element imbalance.

Next, I'm going to suggest professional counselling to ensure that you aren't just clinically depressed, possibly as a result of neuro-chemical imbalance.

After that, I would suggest you limit your on-line time and TV time to 3 hrs per day.

Review your diet to make sure you aren't eating a lot of processed foods, msg, hfcs etc.

Find an organization and volunteer some time.

Travel. Even to the nearest city. Go to museums and art galleries and poetry readings and lectures.

Fill your mind.

Because unless you decide that you're going to do at least half the heavy lifting here, you are indeed fucked.

 

[Audio Tech]

^^^ Very good advice.

And you don't have to get on a plane to travel. I just hop in the car and drive in a direction and see where it takes me. For a weekend. It's usually fun, because I meet some nice people and stop wherever and whenever I feel like.

Really clears the mind.

 

[Mike8891]

It's funny you mentioned limiting TV and computer time. I'm a computer addict and I don't even enjoy it. It bores the hell out of me. I tried cutting down time before but I was bored out of my mind. I think I'm going to find something to learn. If anything is remotely interesting to me, it's music. I just don't think I'm talented and it's too late to be really good at it for a career.

I've tried counseling before and it's just not my thing. I may be depressed but I have reasons to be depressed. It's not like I'm just chemically imbalanced. I've been living a lie for so long, why wouldn't I feel disconnected?

I can't travel yet because I forced myself to sign up for a certificate and I can't cancel now. It's only gonna take a few months anyway. Ill consider going somewhere next weekend and just disappear...though I'll be back to my reality too soon.

Hatter, the last paragraph is how I feel right now too. I wasn't doing all that well before I got into a relationship so now it's worse than it was before. I didn't even want a relationship but I thought it was cute he was that into me. It's funny because I'm the one who broke up with him. But he started dating someone DAYS after we broke up, so who knows when it really started and I regret sharing some stuff with him because it's probably such a relief/upgrade now for him to date someone who's positive and probably hotter. I hate the fact I even know all this stuff by stalking his facebook. I need to get a life.

 

[erobert]

So.

You're not dead yet.

There's time to still become the person you want to be.

If you're not career driven, hopefully you have some passion for something?

If you were just a stoner who lives in your parents' basement, I'd be saying grow up, move out, become independent.

If you are just someone who has faded out to grey, time for you to start to take some chances. Travel. Volunteer for things. Take up a sport. Read more.

Be serious. Don't be solemn.

And yes, you can change for the better.

I'll quote this again as it's generally good advice to everyone out there.

As for depression, if you are depressed you need to seek help. It only get's worse if left untreated and it can run in families so don't think it's nothing because it might be something. Though, there's a difference between chronic depression and just feeling sad and lonely every once in a while. It's time to get help when you're chronically sad and lonely.

With that said I think a lot of young gay guys feel this way to varying extents- out of the closet or in the closet. I've felt disconnected, both physically and emotionally just a few years ago. I had no real friends (sad but true), still lived with my parents in the suburbs and didn't even have a job. Being shy and insecure about my sexuality really didn't help things either. Isolation like that can be terrible as humans are social animals by nature.

Finally, I resolved to change myself as I figured my situation wasn't going to change until I changed. Started coming out to people, worked on some of my insecurities, planning to move out... a little self improvement can really go a long way.

A couple of suggestions: move to the city if you haven't already. Major urban areas are the best place to meet other like minded gay men your age. I've put this at the top of my list.

Work on yourself first before you start dating. If you don't do this your not going to attract or be able to keep the good guys. People are attracted to others with a pleasant disposition.

Travel. Preferably overseas, experiencing other cultures broadens your view of the world and makes for interesting stories.

Focus on finding genuine people and making them your friends. There's websites that are a good resource for making more friends in your area such as meetup.com or yelp.com and they have weekly events you can attend. Don't worry too much about being boring because you're probably not as boring as you think.

As for your career maybe your an entrepreneurial type. Having your own business can always be a plus and is a good conversation starter when people ask about you career.

If you think you're falling into depression please seek professional help. Seriously.

Finally, some really great advice from my mentor:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV9K4CwwDkg"]Keeping Positive[/ame]

I know that's a really long post but I hope it helps.

 

[LiveForLove]

OP, I can relate. I don't feel like I have much to offer in a relationship. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to have a boyfriend.

 

[Mike8891]

Thanks! Your post is encouraging. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not depressed, it's more than feeling lonely every once in while, but like I said that's my own fault. I would consider counseling again if I knew I really gave everything else a shot and still felt something was wrong. I'm not there yet. I believe I'll have better sense of what I need after I actually try some of things you tried. I can't wait to travel overseas, I don't know where but just knowing I have limited time elsewhere seems like enough of a push to experiment and feel comfortable.

 

[slnattak]

Well, I like bland guys romantically. But erotically it's not really a turn on. And guys who aren't bland I really like sexually but I wouldn't date them.

So everybody is different. lol @ all the absolutist thinking in this thread.

The problem is the guys I would like to date are probably like all on the computer sitting at home like me. And the arrogant assholes I see in real life are all out in about. I mean, I'd love to meet a guy who loves to stay inside a lot and is actually okay about it.