Too busy to see me

[swerveNY]

I met this guy on an online dating site two months ago and am really falling for him, but he never has time to see me in person. He asked to meet me first and our first meeting was hastily arranged and turned into us running some errands for him because he is so busy, but I didn't have a problem with that. He wrote me afterwards that he felt we really clicked and I thought so too. It took another month of me asking him out to get a real first date and I thought it went really well. I wanted to kiss him at the end of the date but chickened out because I've never done it before.

We continue to IM and text each other nearly every other day and he seems genuinely interested. But whenever I ask him to dinner, to hang out, etc., he is always busy. He tells me his schedule, which has a lot of things on it. I have no problem with how busy he is; in fact I like it. I just wish we could meet up in-person at least every other week or have some future date set. But he tells me that he doesn't make plans more than 3 days in advance.

I think that if he is truly interested he would make time for me. We live about 30 minutes apart and I know for a fact he is single and looking. His father doesn't know he's gay so he has to dodge his questions when going out. But I don't know whether there is something else holding him back and that is my real problem.

I'm infatuated with this guy. Before him, I've never met anyone that I could see myself with in a relationship. There have been crushes before, but never this intense. I can't stop thinking about him every moment of every day.

So the questions becomes what I should do.

Should I distance myself for a while and see if he seeks me out? Mostly I'm the one who initiates the IMs and texts.

Should I tell him how I really feel? I'm afraid it's too early and I might just scare him off.

Should I just be patient? This seems like the best, but most agonizing path. I really want something, anything to happen so I can move forward.

 

[HunterM]

Find out when he has days off. Plan to do something with him that both of you are interested in. Tell him you'll come pick him up. Make it easy for him to say yes. If you really like him, don't wait around...go get him. Meeting up once a week on his day off is not agressive.

Ask him what his upcoming weekend plans (or plans on his days off) are. If he's available, what activities do you have in mind for both of you to do?

 

[hylas]

i could be that guy. i have been insanely busy for months now and it wont get better for at least another four months. plus, im a person who needs to have "alone time" every now and then, just being completely by myself and unwinding is very important to me. so even if i have an opening in my schedule, im currently unlikely to go on a date or do anything social.

my friends understand, because they know me and they know not to take it personally. but i imagine a new acquaintance would be confused by my behaviour.

what im saying is that he really just might be very busy.
either that, or hes just not that into you.

what does that mean for you? it means what you want it to mean. you wait as long as youre willing to wait, you go when youve run out of patience.

either way: its ok to have a crush, but stop obessing over somebody who seems so unreliable. his absence and the fact that he isnt out: both red flags.

 

[Eagle653]

It worries me that he's very busy, but doesn't make plans more than 3 days out. Most busy people I know, including myself, can ONLY make appointments 3 days or more out because closer time is booked. If I REALLY want to see someone, I get it on the calendar and stick to it faithfully.

Only you can judge this by a lot of variables like enthusiasm, friendliness, and other cues that suggest interest. You imply that he has these--it's just tough for him to commit to a get-together-in-person date.

Part of me wants to echo hylas's excellent post, and I also think HunterM had some sound advice as well.

What you're asking of him--dinner or something in person every other week--is not unreasonable to me, especially given that you're not that far away from each other.

Good luck. It will be interesting to see if anything comes of this.

 

[Hotswimguy82]

Oh my goodness, I swear I could have made this thread verbatim (except in my situation the guy is out to the world).

I'm also at that point where I don't know if it's worth it to wait around for him or move on, but at the end of it all he's a really amazing guy and I would really regret not giving him more of a chance.

 

[rareboy]

If he really wanted to make time for you he would.

Give him up.

Be nice and try to keep him as a casual friend....but I can guarantee you this isn't going anywhere.

Anyone who is that self-absorbed isn't worth the time or the attention.

Trust me, mes enfants.

 

[Seasoned]

I'd advise you to do what I did with a guy 28 years ago. At that time it was by telephone. After asking him out three times abs getting turned down three times I decided to give him my number and told him if he had some time to give ne a call. And then I forgot about him. Three months later he finally called and we've been together ever since.

Tell him to feel free to contact you when he has some time and then move on.

 

[swerveNY]

The problem is that I'm obessed with him right now. I've tried everything to get my mind off of him from doing more at work to doing stuff with friends and anything else that can keep me busy.

Although he isn't out to his father, he is out to his mother, siblings, and friends, so I'm not worried about that.

To me he seems very interested and enthusiastic. He isn't self-absorbed in that he listens to everything I have to say. He says that he can't schedule me in because he hates being flakey and is unable to commit to a time and date.

 

[altlover85]

Let's say you do end up going out. Are you really going to want to be with someone who doesn't schedule things out farther than 3 days?

 

[chance1]

sounds very one sided to me

and you admit honestly that you're obsessed

so prob time to take a step back if you can ........

good luck

 

[texan_slant]

In my book, he would've been deleted, and gone already!
If I waste my time trying to work around his schedule to the point of becoming stressful, then it's not worth it.

 

[rareboy]

The problem is that I'm obessed with him right now. I've tried everything to get my mind off of him from doing more at work to doing stuff with friends and anything else that can keep me busy.

Although he isn't out to his father, he is out to his mother, siblings, and friends, so I'm not worried about that.

To me he seems very interested and enthusiastic. He isn't self-absorbed in that he listens to everything I have to say. He says that he can't schedule me in because he hates being flakey and is unable to commit to a time and date.

No. He can't schedule you in because you are not a priority to him at all.

And he is self-obsessed or he would be as concerned about you in this non-relationship as he is with his own life and work.

You don't want this guy period.

I've been through this years ago and after I realized that it was this passive aggressive game of flattering some guy's ego by only being available on his terms I grew up and realized that obsession is not the healthiest basis for either friendship or a relationship.

So I basically did the same thing as Soreknees. Only when this guy called back, I already had found someone else who really was a great friend and lover.

So we all went out to dinner together. And that was it.

I realized I didn't even particularly desire him as an acquaintance any more and the next time he called to see if I was available, I was the one who didn't have time in my schedule.