Top needs HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[belamy]

Shouldn´t you be rather talking about this WITH HIM? I mean TALKING, not acting like two cats on a tin roof. If you two can´t openly deal with that issue you are splitting sooner than soon.

 

[Zeremonie]

You've got some stereotypes and mental images there that are going to work against you being a bottom: work on that. See a therapist if you need to. See a good proud gay therapist. Find out why you feel "passive" as a bottom and question yourself if there is internalized homophobia there.

Part of the reason I think that you're dealing with mental inhibitions more than anything is this statement:

I even let him finger me a little, but it made me feel COMPLETELY uncomfortable

Even straight guys like some finger. It doesn't mean they're less straight because their girlfriend's know how to use their fingers on their bf.

Edit:
Btw, take this advice for what it's worth: I'm a girl.

 

[belamy]

^ You mean reeducating him, like in a labour camp? I know about his attitude on enjoying being an aggressive top: I am a bad bottom myself because I enjoy feeling the power of being dominated by a hot guy on extremely specific cases: if MuscleManNYC hasn´t that natural tendency it would even be questionable that anybody encourages him to do what good gay guys are supposed to do. The question is whether he really doesn´t like it that way or he is just ignorant of the pleasures it can afford.

 

[eftergivende]

You certainly need to talk this out with him. If everything else is great, surely something can be worked out that will be satifying for both of you sexually. If not, then it seems not to be a workable relationship.

 

[Orlandude]

I agree with belamy. You should be talking with your partner about this. Also, there is nothing written in stone that you HAVE to bottom. If you don't like it for all the reasons you say or you are not ready for it, the answer is simple....don't do it! If the strength of your relationship becomes soley based on whether or not you bottom, you need to re-examine your relationship.

 

[rotary]

Perhaps you could tell him everything you just told us. You guys have been together seven months. Do you think it's an honest enough relationship to discuss this and work through it together?

 

[Lube]

...but within the past 2 months he has REALLY been putting pressure on me to bottom for him. Now I don't know what to do!
...
Aside from the physical pain, mentally, I just don't think I could do it. I would feel completely demasculinized, completely awkward, completely ashamed and a whole ton of other feelings! Besides, I have always been a Top.....always aggressive and the thought of being the passive one during sex is such a HUGE turn-off for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you need to learn more about bottoming. It's one thing to find it boring (in which case you're simply not interested); it's something else to have all these negative associations with it.

It doesn't have to be painful (I mean, are you getting a rise out of the thought that every time you fuck your bf that he's in pain? He's not in pain if you're doing it right).

And all the other emotions you describe sound like you are resisting the temptation to bottom, rather than you just don't like bottoming.

In any case, if you truly don't like it, your relationship is toast. I don't think your bf will be happy always bottoming if he's versatile. That wouldn't work for me, either.

 

[belamy]

^ As long as the guy doesn´t learn that there is such a thing as being dominating as a bottom all other efforts would be useless and he will remain a childish sexual "straighthead" until his last days.

 

[StlKj]

The great Zeremonie is spot on. This doesn't seem to be a physical thing at all. You have some very deep-rooted ideas about what it means to be a masculine man versus a "bottom."

If this person means a lot to you, finding out why you see bottoming as being less than a manly activity would be a good idea.

 

[belamy]

Well, Muscle, it seems that it´s all up to you wanting or not wanting to evolve (rather than change). If you really know yourself and are really adamant then look for another guy. In any case, NEVER hire so-called professional therapists: they rely on you having done most of the job and you need more support than any of them could ever provide you. If you refuse that kind of help from your current partner, it´s time for you not to move on, but to enjoy things the way they have been. Maybe in the end you will win being true to yourself (provided you REALLY know who you are and what you want, which is NOT THE SAME as being used to something and being too idle or scared to GET MORE), and maybe the guy wasn´t worth it. And most important, NEVER EVER do anything just because you are told or supposed or expected to do it.

 

[Lube]

There's nothing wrong with being 100% top--or 100% bottom for that matter.

It's just the way you describe it. Makes it sound like you have issues.

I was aghast the first time I heard about rimming (aghast, but, well, intrigued, too). I had no intention of doing it until someone did it to me, and it was very pleasurable. Very. I figured if someone would do it to me, I should at least try doing it to him. It wasn't super pleasurable right away, but it's grown on me.

OTOH, fist fucking does not attract me at all. I don't find it disgusting or disturbing or anything, it just doesn't turn me on. I have no problem with guys who do it, but it doesn't turn me on. I don't think guys who do it are perverts or effeminate or anything.

But again, when you describe bottoming, you use such highly charged negative words.

I think you should work with your boyfriend--slowly--on learning how to bottom. Tell him you'll try it for a while (not just once or twice), and if you're not getting anything out of it after a while, then it just won't work out between you.

There's a Health forum here on JUB. You might look through it (especially the stickies) to find out more about bottoming. That's what I did before I tried it for the first time. Made a big difference to me.

I don't love bottoming the way some guys do, but I do it occasionally. I don't have any disrespect for guys who bottom, and I don't think they're effeminate or anything.

Really, if you have all these effeminate, negative connotations, what exactly do you think of your bf? Do you think that's his mental image of himself?

Think about it.

 

[Elwood]

OK it took me a while to understand the whole top bottom issue maybe because I am versatile. Now I am having a hard time with the whole aggressive passive issue. God gay sex is complicated LOL.

I have to agree with some of the others I think you have some issues to deal with. The best thing is talk to your boyfriend he will probably be more then willing to help you through this.

 

[belamy]

If anything, at least Muscle shows some courage struggling with a challenge, while many gay guys are so cocksure of what a right gay guy must be and act, being versatile included

 

[Homoerectus]

Do you care enough about him you may fall in love with him. When you love someone you give him your heart, your soul and you BODY. You want your love to be happy. Search your soul and decide how much you care for him. When you have reached your decision on love, your heart will tell you where to go from there. BTW, ther has been lots of good advice in this thread.

 

[Blueboy369]

Dude,
You and your partner are not sexually compatable. You are 100% top and there is nothing wrong with that. You crave ass, not dick. There are lots of bottoms out there looking for a top just like you, trust me. Your partner needs someone versitile. You guys love eachother and you can always be great friends. Move on.

Blueboy.

 

[cozmik]

You know, I have to say, you're views in terms of what is feminine and what is masculine are pretty narrow and you seem to see them as totally concrete. In the straight world, the woman is being penetrated, in general, and thus she is taking the feminine role. But, there is no woman in gay sex. You have a dick, he has a dick, you're both dudes. The gay world is totally different from the straight world, and you can't make direct comparisons like that when talking about sexual intercourse. Being feminine in the gay world has to do with the mental aspects of the guy, not what he likes to do during sex.

From what I see, this is only a mental roadblock that you have. And I think you more or less see that as well. Even your discomfort when he fingered you, I'd say it was more mentally generated than actual physical discomfort.

I personally think it would be worth letting him try, but you'd first have to let go of your preconceptions of what "roles" there are supposed to be. Give it a shot a a couple times before you dismiss it totally. But, you don't seem to be looking for anything more than people to say that you're right, you shouldn't have to bottom, and he's wrong for asking you to. Based on what I've read here so far at least.

I don't see what more advice you can seek besides what's been offered here already. Either you're willing to give it a shot, willing to try to let go of what is your norm, and take a leap of faith and try it, or you're not. There is no in-between here. And it is totally on you at this point. You're bf has been nothing but the bottom for the past 7 months. He's shown his willingness to compromise and work with you some here.

Also, and this isn't necessarily directed at you, but as much as anyone here would like to say the sex shouldn't be that important, it's how you feel about the other person, le't s be honest people. if it was really all about loving the other person for who they are on the inside, then it shouldn't matter what sex the person is either. Sex is a vital part of most healthy relationships, and if one of the parties involved isn't happy, it will effect the relationship.

 

[Lube]

<Edit> I see that Cozmic has done a fine job of explaining things while I was composing my post. </Edit>

I do not assume that my boyfriend is in pain every time I fuck him, nor do I get turned by thinking he's in pain during sex!

Even if I could get past the physical pain of being penetrated

Does not compute. Is it painful or isn't it?

You're showing a complete ignorance (I mean that in a neutral, factual way) of what bottoming is all about. Everything about your posts suggests that you really don't understand it.

Of course there is some degree of effeminization associated with being fucked! In the Straight world the man penetrates the woman. So in the Gay world, being a bottom is associated with taking the female role and that certainly would make me feel like less of a man.........especially since I'm used to being the dominant one.

It's 2007, not 1947. It's OK for a man to cry. It's OK for a man to be vulnerable once in a while. That's all your bf is asking for. He's not asking you to bottom 100%.

I give your bf a lot of credit. I'm versatile, too, and I can't imagine waiting 7 months for my turn to top. I think that's pretty damn impressive on his part.

Gay sex--like str8 sex--has elements of power associated with it, but you can't compare gay sex with str8 sex directly. Are you just asking us for validation, because no one's gonna give you that?

 

[nufanm]

muscleman... i understand where you're coming from. i am in the same situation sort of. when i started dating my bf i had never had sex and had been interested in bottoming. he was a bottom for the most part. when we had sex i was the top he was the bottom. one time i told him we should switch because i was interested in feeling what it felt to be a bottom because judging by his reaction everytime we fucked it looked amazing. i tried it and it hurt like hell! couldn't even get it up, i never came, he did, then again i was on drugs (that was the last time we did drugs and we've been sober for over a year)... a few weeks later i told him we should do it again, same thing happened... my dick went limp, it hurt, and i didn't came. a week after that we did it for the last time (i have a 3 time's the charm rule) and this time we used desensitizing lube... holy fuck! bad idea! didn't feel as much pain, a lot of discomfort, dick went limp, didn't cum, the next day it looked like i had ridden a horse for the first time.

conclusion: bottoming's not for me. i love him and he likes it and because i don't i don't push it to have sex with him, because he has to be in the mood because for the most part tops don't need as much mental preparation as bottoms. also, i did some online research and found that there are same sex couples who don't have anal sex and are perfectly fine. we've been together for almost a year and a half and we're good, we have more sex now than we did a few months ago, but when we didn't have anal we would do other stuff all the time. and just for the record i don't mind anything else, i love rimming, blowing, everything... just no anal.

hope this helped.

 

[rks0430]

Muscle...if you express to him that will are willing to try, then that will speak volumes to him. Might I suggest that you start out with small dildos.

BTW...how big is he? If he's 9 inches long, ya, it's gonna hurt. Work yourself up to it. You can still be in control in the bottom position. Sit on him. Control how far it goes in, how fast, how often, etc.

To flat out deny him is a definite relationship ender.

Be him when he is in you. Think of what it's like to provide your lover with a tight warm space just for him...created only for his pleasure. If you loosen up for him, there's no telling what your rewards will be in the long run.

 

[StlKj]

Equating bottoming with the less assertive, feminine role is a pretty narrow view. Have you not seen any porn where hot, muscular, butch guys have sex? A masculine bottom can be very aggressive and take charge of the situation while the "top" becomes passive and goes along for the ride.

I would be really curious to know if your ideas of what is masculine and feminine in a gay relationship go beyond what happens during sex? Do these ideas play out in other ways in your relationship, or is it just a sex thing?