Torn between two loves.......

[MJay2011]

It's pretty bad when u don't have someone to talk to in person and have to depend on strangers for advice......

I have been divorced since 2002......I met a guy in 2003, we started sleeping together in 2005. I've been so cautious because some of my friends and most of my family don't know I'm bi. He came into my life at one of the lowest points in my life, I really love him so much and have been willing to do anything for him......he is much younger than me and is totally in the closet with being bi.....he dates women in public view and we 'hook-up' occasionally at his convenience. He has never told me he loves me.....I made the mistake of telling him once and I didn't see him again for 7 months. I have two homes.....one on the coast and one in the country, I stay in the country mostly because of my work, he lives on the coast. I visited the coast 2 weeks ago and We got together and we made love like we never had before.....it was wonderful. But while I was there I met someone, we clicked immediately and have a whole lot in common. It's a woman........we didn't have sex we just got to know each other.

I'm back in the country now and everyday I have spoken to her on the phone or on FB. I've heard from him once. I have not told her about him or him about her........don't know I should either......should I?

She told me tonight she wants to start a relationship with me. She says she has fallin in love with me......And I think I have feelings for her but I know I still have feelings for him. I'm getting where I can't sleep, eat or think straight......I need advice......should I tell him? should I tell her? take a chance in loosing them both? Put an end to his and my relationship? Start a new relationship with her? Keep them both? I can't see myself doing that.......I've never been in a situation like this....I'm lost and confused......torn between them both. What should I do? I know......two loves!! Whine whine whine......but seriously can someone help me! Any questions you need to ask please do.

 

[tristan91]

Well you did say that the closet bi guy "dates women in public view" and you two "hook-up occasionally at his convenience". Ok so why can't it be the same for you? I think you should date her, and still meet up with the other guy in secret. If you feel really bad about it then you might as well forget him and start fresh.

I also suspect that this other guy is in a relationship with some woman and probably hasn't told her anything about the two of you (explains why he's finding it hard to meet up with you more). Just start dating the woman and see what happens, and yes tell the male lover that you're seeing someone else. Why not because he's made it pretty obvious that you're his booty call.
If I understand correctly, you're only seeing this guy a few times a year, so are you really gonna put off all potential relationships with other people just because of this guy who is sexing somebody else anyway?? He's just using you to satisfy his occasional homosexual tendencies and you deserve better.

Btw, maybe try looking for some sort of counselling helpline you could call because they could really help. I don't live in USA so I can't know what they have

Good luck dude

 

[tristan91]

Oh and ask your female lover what her views are on monogamy. You may be surprised

 

[Seasoned]

I don't think you owe him much considering how you described your hook-ups, but I think you need to be honest with her if you don't think you can commit to a monogamous relationship.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'd just be honest with her. You haven't really been in a full-on relationship since your divorce, but you've had a male fwb that you've hooked up with from time to time. See how she takes that. Maybe it'll weird her out to the point that she's no longer interested. Or maybe she'll think that's fine so long as that (now) remains in the past. Or maybe she'll think it's cool that you've got a guy friend you can hook up with whenever you want. I'd like to think the second one is the most likely, but it's tough to tell given just what you told us.

Say she wants a committed relationship with you. Are you willing to give her that? Or are you willing to tell her you're going to give her that while still keeping this guy (or another guy) on the side?

Lex

 

[Rolyo85]

Your situation depresses me :/ I'm not saying it to attack you, but this whole secretive thing is just so grey and bleak...

I completely disagree with the advice that you should start a relationship with her and fuck around behind her back. That's gross and immoral. It all boils down to one thing:

When you say you are bi, do you mean it? Not bi as in "I like dick, but I'm in the closet and can kinda fool around with women to cover for being a giant 'mo", but an honest to God "I sincerely like both genders equally"? In your heart of hearts, DO. YOU. MEAN. IT? Are you truly EQUALLY attracted to both genders? If you can say yes with an open face and not a single twitch, then you should just start a relationship with the person who has the balls to admit their feelings for you and would live in an honest relationship with you.

Nothing good can ever come of the closet, ESPECIALLY somebody else's closet. Especially today, when the world is so much better for us, being so ashamed that a dude admitting his feelings for you could put you on the run for 7 months is... I'm not gonna say "pathetic" because I know nothing of his personal circumstances, but it's sad. And once you are in a relationship with someone you care about who cares about you and doesn't hate herself for it, you will quickly get over him.


But one thing you ABSOLUTELY cannot do is juggle the two of them. If you feel she would not change her feelings for you, you should find an appropriate moment to tell her you're bi. But don't fall in this immoral trap of thinking that just because you fuck around with people of the opposite gender of the one you are in a relationship with, you are somehow entitled to it and it somehow doesn't count. This is an either/or situation and if you are TRULY bi, you really only have one good choice here.

 

[MJay2011]

Thank you tristan91, Seasoned, and G-Lexington. You all have given me some great advice......opened my eyes to a few important issues.

I'm going to talk to him and see where he stands. Shit we've been doing this for 7 yrs. And I really don't see us in a monogamous relationship. I hate to lose him but being on the back burner all the time is really getting old. And yes...tristan91.....I do deserve better. Thank you for saying that.

I'm going to talk to her and be honest with her.......can't start a relationship without being honest.....right? If she decides she can't handle my past then that will answer my question for me. She just might accept me the way I am.......never know till I tell her. I will start the conversation with what her views are on monogamy and go from there.


If she says she wants a committed relationship, then I will have to make the decision to put an end to my 7 yr relationship or still see him on the side without her knowing.......people do it all the time....don't they? But if I do this....what does that make me? There goes honesty our the freakin window! And eventually everything will turn to shit!!

I have lived my life always being the good guy, mister nice guy, the peacemaker........blah blah blah.........Maybe it's time for a change!!!??

 

[Rolyo85]

If she says she wants a committed relationship, then I will have to make the decision to put an end to my 7 yr relationship or still see him on the side without her knowing.......people do it all the time....don't they? But if I do this....what does that make me? There goes honesty our the freakin window! And eventually everything will turn to shit!!

I have lived my life always being the good guy, mister nice guy, the peacemaker........blah blah blah.........Maybe it's time for a change!!!??

Um, no, it's not. It's time for being honest. You live a lie, and it keeps trying to get you to build more lies on top of it. You're not in a relationship with this other person. You're just his guilty fuck for a night or two once in a while. He cheats on someone with you. How would you feel if you found out that your partner was fucking around? Do you really feel good causing this pain to someone else?

To answer your rhetorical question - people might do that all the time, but it's on their head. Once you do it, once you consciously commit yourself to cheating, you become scum. Pure and simple. And I think you know this, or you wouldn't be here discussing it.

 

[MJay2011]

You are right Rolyo85! That would make me scum and I do NOT want to stoop to that level. Thanks for reminding me! Most important I couldn't have lived like that .....I was having a weak moment. I'm only human......

I am truly BI. It's not what gender the person is........it's the person. You can have sex with anything but you can't make love to just anything. My higher being blessed me with the ability to see a persons inside not their outside. I get pleasure from pleasuring the one I'm with. Make sense?

 

[Sirramm]

My mother use to tell me, before she died...God bless her, that if you wake up smiling every morning it is because you wake up in your skin not who you wake up next to. Take away everyone else in the world...you are all alone here...will you wake up happy because you are you or sad because there is no one else? Sure missing others in our life is tuff...I miss my mom...but I still wake up with a smile because I KNOW I have "ME"...a strong, confident ME! You NEVER know where or how your heart will lead you. Hearts and love are fickle and like the wind. You just have to be able to adapt and "feel" what is right for you. Separating him from her comes from deep within you...ask yourself which you'd be most happy with in the last days of your life. Life is not simple, easy, or even understood but what it is, is FUN. Enjoy it! Be free to be you! Explore the things in life that make you happy with yourself and everything else will fall in place.

Spend some time with YOU...think...feel...and never be afraid! You have a warrior inside you! Courage, talented, and of course sexy individual to guide my day and I feel safe and that my friend is ALL YOU NEED!

 

[MJay2011]

My mother use to tell me, before she died...God bless her, that if you wake up smiling every morning it is because you wake up in your skin not who you wake up next to. Take away everyone else in the world...you are all alone here...will you wake up happy because you are you or sad because there is no one else? Sure missing others in our life is tuff...I miss my mom...but I still wake up with a smile because I KNOW I have "ME"...a strong, confident ME! You NEVER know where or how your heart will lead you. Hearts and love are fickle and like the wind. You just have to be able to adapt and "feel" what is right for you. Separating him from her comes from deep within you...ask yourself which you'd be most happy with in the last days of your life. Life is not simple, easy, or even understood but what it is, is FUN. Enjoy it! Be free to be you! Explore the things in life that make you happy with yourself and everything else will fall in place.

Spend some time with YOU...think...feel...and never be afraid! You have a warrior inside you! Courage, talented, and of course sexy individual to guide my day and I feel safe and that my friend is ALL YOU NEED!

Your Mom raised a great man! I am moved by your post and I take it to heart. I lost my Mom 2 yrs ago and being Mother's Day yesterday, She was heavily on my mind. I miss her and her advice. Thank you!

 

[MJay2011]

Well I talked to my woman friend today.....I sat her down and we chatted about different things and I casually asked what her views are on monogamy were.......she said she was a "one man woman and if we started a relationship she would remain faithful to me and expected the same in return." Then came the words "why do you ask?" I'm sitting there thinking Honesty honesty ........So I proceeded to tell her I have been seeing someone from time to time and I needed to know whether I should end it before we got serious. She laughed and told me "well u better end it because I really want to settle down with you and only you". I told her I would because I think we would be good together. We kissed and made out a little and she started asking questions like "how long I had been seeing this other woman?".........honesty honesty.......I thought.......Seven years I said.......since he was 18.......the world stopped.....it seemed like..........."HE!! she screamed, I nodded yes. She jumped up and started gathering her things calling me a quote " MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING FAGGOT!!!" Got her purse, phone and keys and left slamming the front door behind her. That is the first time in 15 years I wanted to smoke some weed again.

So now what should I do? leave it alone? Should I call her? She has already deleted me off her Facebook........Any one close by got a joint? It's to late for the liquor store! SHIT!!!!

 

[bankside]

Well you are truly bi, and she is truly an asshole. You're better off letting her live with her decision. You were up front with her and she was ignorant. Sorry to hear it.

 

[Staceypigeons]

Well I don't think you need to tell him anything seeing as you guys aren't actually in a relationship. If you hook up "just at his convenience" then it's whenever it suits him, and you're not getting any choice in the matter it seems?

If you're thinking of starting a relationship with her though, you definitely need to be honest about your past with her.

 

[MJay2011]

Well you are truly bi, and she is truly an asshole. You're better off letting her live with her decision. You were up front with her and she was ignorant. Sorry to hear it.

Thanks bankside!! Found a bottle of vodka.....lol.....works gonna sux tomorrow!! I.m just gonna let it go for now....

Well I don't think you need to tell him anything seeing as you guys aren't actually in a relationship. If you hook up "just at his convenience" then it's whenever it suits him, and you're not getting any choice in the matter it seems?

If you're thinking of starting a relationship with her though, you definitely need to be honest about your past with her.

Thanks for the advice Staceypigeons.......but your right....ain't gotta tell him nuttin!! lol

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, this is the reason why I let people know in advance about who I am. Because then I know where I stand with them BEFORE shit like that happens. She's not a decent person to be with. And neither is he btw. If I were you, I'd work toward coming out to people, because hiding your true sexuality is always going to lead to a similar result in your love life.

 

[justnine-inches]

ur story is very touching and hot as well . a good plot for a novel. please keep us update. I think u make a good decision by telling her.