Total Shocker

[hilltop08]

I'm a college student living away from home, my family doesn't know that I like guys.
My family isn't the accepting type so I just figured that since I'm financially dependent on members in my family that pay for my schooling and other things that this isn't the right time to come out to them. I have had an account from few years ago when I first started college on adam4adam to meet and talk to people in the area. The other day I come back from class and proceed to log in and check my messages and I get one of the biggest shocks of my life!! My uncle viewed my profile!!

Now if you have an a4a account you know that you can view a profile but delete your trace so the person doesn't know you visited it, and my uncle didn't delete his trace. He also lives in a different state so he had to come to my state and town looking for me.

I don't know what to do. At first i start to think that this is really bad and he's going to tell everyone and that would be a very bad thing, but upon thinking about this I start thinking wondering why he has an account on there with everything filled out. We haven't talked about this to each other but I think we should before our next big family get together so things aren't so awkward.

So I'm just wondering what I should say to him? How do I handle the situation?

Thanks guys!!

 

[anchihiro]

Awkward.

Yeah that sounds horrible. Without ever having gone on such site myself. How does he know its you? Do you have pictures or something?
If its just for guys meeting other guys then surely he must be gay too? And therefore not going to out you?

Perhaps its even worse, but.......maybe he's into his nephew? Sorry.

 

[HunterM]

1. Start practicing your coming out speech/story to your family. If you are prepared for the worst, you will not fear the inevitable as much.

2. You could call your uncle and say, "I'm glad you're on a4a. I need someone to talk to...someone that can relate to what I'm going through." Then ask why he's on the site. What's his story? What's his experience like? Tell him you hope to learn from his advice and experience.

So, redirect the focus on him and less of you. Think of yourself in a role of a reporter interviewing him as you're so new to this. Come up with a bunch of questions to ask him. And if you don't know how to interview people, start watching Oprah.

 

[greyhorse]

Just be natural as you ever were with him and let him take the lead - if he does nothing then you dont have to. Why would he tell other members of your family that he found out about you - and if he has full details on a4a then he prob is gay/bi too. I would leave it at that. I know you are young and ar having all sorts of thoughts about this situation and how to handle and what will be said etc, but in all reality probably nothing will happen and if you and your uncle now know about one another then that my be good for both of you as you can chat about it. Don't panic !!!!

 

[collegeguy89]

Well first off, does your a4a pics show your face?

If your a4a pics don't show your face, it's not that big of deal; just pretend it never happened. Body pics can be one of a million.

If you did show your face, then clearly you just out-ed yourself to him; however, it's not such a bad thing. I don't think you should bring it up unless he's the type that will spread it through the family. If he's the type that keeps to himself, then you shouldn't even engage it.

 

[hilltop08]

Well first off, does your a4a pics show your face?

If your a4a pics don't show your face, it's not that big of deal; just pretend it never happened. Body pics can be one of a million.

If you did show your face, then clearly you just out-ed yourself to him; however, it's not such a bad thing. I don't think you should bring it up unless he's the type that will spread it through the family. If he's the type that keeps to himself, then you shouldn't even engage it.

Yes the site has pictures of my face. I don't think he would tell anyone he found me on a gay site because then the questions of why he is on there would start to be asked.

But i don't want to pretend like nothing has happened. I guess I just figure in the type of family we come from it would be nice to have someone from inthe family to be able to talk to about things

 

[KaraBulut]

One thing that you didn't mention was whether your uncle was married (to a woman) or single. What did his profile actually say?

 

[Georgiadude]

I think this may be your uncle's way of reaching out to you. He could have deleted his view but he didn't. He left it there for you to see. He must have some suspicion about you already since he lives in a different area and found your profile. I think he is waiting for you to make the next move.

I think I would send an email letting him know that you know he saw your profile and that you would like to talk about it. Talk to him. Be honest and let him know your not ready to come out.

Steven.

 

[hanzosword]

Wow that is a fucking huge shocker lol! Your uncle must have had suspicions about you lol. I can't see him telling anybody about it if he is in the closet too and wants to stay there. So is this uncle hot and is he married, any kids?

 

[hilltop08]

One thing that you didn't mention was whether your uncle was married (to a woman) or single. What did his profile actually say?

Sorry, I totally forgot to mention that stuff. He was married, they had 1 child, they got a divorce a few years ago. His profile just basically talks about they type of guys he likes and his interest and hobbies. It gives some stats about him like height/ weight, if he's out or not things like that.

I think this may be your uncle's way of reaching out to you. He could have deleted his view but he didn't. He left it there for you to see. He must have some suspicion about you already since he lives in a different area and found your profile. I think he is waiting for you to make the next move.

I think I would send an email letting him know that you know he saw your profile and that you would like to talk about it. Talk to him. Be honest and let him know your not ready to come out.

Steven.

I think everyone has a little suspicion in my family except for my parents cause at big family gatherings I never really talk about dating or anything like that when they ask about it. Truth is though I've always suspect him to not totally be straight either maybe cause we're really similar and I see a lot of qualities that I have in him. We even have the same taste in men lol.

But after thinking about it I think I am gonna send him an e-mail just so we can talk about this. And I think it will be really nice to have a family member who i can talk to about this kind of stuff and relationships and gain some insight from a wiser person than myself.

 

[Georgiadude]

Glad to hear your going to reach out. I think your right. It will be nice to have someone in the family to be able to talk to and be open about things. I don't think he is out to cause you any trouble. After all, he has a profile on a4a and is looking for guys too. I'm sure it will be a little awkward at first to write him but just keep it friendly and casual. I think if he were out to cause you any trouble you would have heard about it by now.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. Maybe he's a member here too. lol

Steven.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sorry, I totally forgot to mention that stuff. He was married, they had 1 child, they got a divorce a few years ago. His profile just basically talks about they type of guys he likes and his interest and hobbies. It gives some stats about him like height/ weight, if he's out or not things like that.

But after thinking about it I think I am gonna send him an e-mail just so we can talk about this. And I think it will be really nice to have a family member who i can talk to about this kind of stuff and relationships and gain some insight from a wiser person than myself.

Sending an email is probably a good idea but the two of you should get together and talk. It may be that he's still in the closet and is not very experienced. Or he may also turn out to be a good friend that you can confide in.

But probably the first priority at the moment is to let him know that you know and that you will respect his privacy with the rest of the family. And you have the right to ask the same of him.

 

[palemale]

I had a friend who told me about a friend of his in college who was gay and not out. It was the 70s, so not surprising. One night he bumped into his father in a gay bar (still married to the mother). Talk about a shocker. They never spoke about it.

 

[backpacker]

Reaching out to your uncle sounds like a good idea to me. You seem to be leaning that way, which I assume means you have a decent relationship with him. There is a good chance that he was looking in your city to see if you have a profile. As you noted, some family members may have already suspected that you are into guys. There may have been some "talk" about you and he decided to investigate. He's probably happy to know there is someone else like him in the family. I can't see how it would hurt to talk to him. He isn't trying to hide from you or he would have deleted his view. If it were me, I would call instead of emailing. Emails are so impersonal and they also leave you waiting for a response.

 

[Seasoned]

I was also going to suggest a phone call. Good luck.

 

[Aguy666]

Honestly? I've used adam4adam for a while and I did not know you can delete your trace. Your uncle probably doesn't even realize you can see people who've looked at your profile. He probably saw your picture, thought "no way," clicked, and lo and behold it really was you. Your uncle knows you're on adam, but he probably doesn't know that you know he knows... you could talk to him if you want? Depends on the kind of relationship you have with him. If you guys have always been fairly close and open you might want to talk about it- if it's more of the 'see him a few times a year maybe' deal, I personally wouldn't go through the effort. I mean, it's not like he'll tell anyone (most likely, anyways).

 

[smoothoralbottom]

Yes the site has pictures of my face. I don't think he would tell anyone he found me on a gay site because then the questions of why he is on there would start to be asked.

Exactly. So if he brings it up to your family, you can call him a fag for perusing gay hookup sites.

In all honesty, he has more to lose. So you lose your family's financial assistance. But he loses his kid, his credibility, his whole past and any image the family may have had about him. He's the bigger loser here, not you.

 

[smoothoralbottom]

To add a ittle bit more, if this all comes out, it won't be that big of a surprise since as you mentioned you don't talk about dating females or really have a gf. Him on the other hand, has been married and has a kid. Who's living the lie here? You have him in your back pocket. Nothing to worry about if you ask me.

 

[hilltop08]

Reaching out to your uncle sounds like a good idea to me. You seem to be leaning that way, which I assume means you have a decent relationship with him. There is a good chance that he was looking in your city to see if you have a profile. As you noted, some family members may have already suspected that you are into guys. There may have been some "talk" about you and he decided to investigate. He's probably happy to know there is someone else like him in the family. I can't see how it would hurt to talk to him. He isn't trying to hide from you or he would have deleted his view. If it were me, I would call instead of emailing. Emails are so impersonal and they also leave you waiting for a response.

I thought about that after I sent the e-mail lol, but he did answer me and we have been talking about it.I'm supposed to go back home this weekend to actually talk to him in person but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make the trip, bad weather is moving into the area.

Honestly? I've used adam4adam for a while and I did not know you can delete your trace. Your uncle probably doesn't even realize you can see people who've looked at your profile. He probably saw your picture, thought "no way," clicked, and lo and behold it really was you. Your uncle knows you're on adam, but he probably doesn't know that you know he knows... you could talk to him if you want? Depends on the kind of relationship you have with him. If you guys have always been fairly close and open you might want to talk about it- if it's more of the 'see him a few times a year maybe' deal, I personally wouldn't go through the effort. I mean, it's not like he'll tell anyone (most likely, anyways).

I guess that's always an option, I just figured everyone knew about the delete your trace option when you look at other profiles.

 

[altlover85]

I'm glad everything is going well so far. I hope the meeting happens and goes well.