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Traumatized over ED moment?

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1David1

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It's been months (possibly a year) since I had a really embarassing sex moment.

I just realized how much crap I put in my head since. For starters my sex drive dropped to the floor. Actually most of the time I would question whether my sex drive was high enough for me to have sex properly. Every once in a while I try to drop the porn for a few weeks to see how long it takes before I'm horny again. And when I finally masturbate, I feel bad about it, thinking "NOW I have to wait again until I'm horny enough to get it up..."

It's REALLY embarassing but I have to make this post to get some help from people with more experience. I just blew it way out of proportions and I'm just building up more and more unnecessary anxiety. Also I'm kinda tired of feeling guilty after I masturbate ("looks like I'm gonna stay a virgin for a while"). So if anyone's been through something similar or has something constructive to say, it'd be nice. :)
 
Hmm well .. it would help if you can tell us what happened? I guess you mean "erectile dysfunctionality" with "ED"?
 
Yes. I couldn't get it up no matter what we did. I'm scared that whenever I do have sex I'll be too anxious and mess up again. That's very likely considering how obsessed I've been with that little incident.
 
You seem to be describing two problems: 1) low sex drive and 2) problems with erections. Maybe the two are connected, maybe their not.

The low sex drive thing may need evaluating. Next time you're at your family doctor, mention it. You don't mention your age, so I don't know if your age is a factor or not. Maybe your hormone levels need to be checked. Or, maybe it's a head-game thing, especially if your drive dove after the embarrassing incident.

Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore or obligation. You can experiment around by varying (increasing or decreasing) your porn viewing habits, varying your masturbation schedule, and relaxing. Practice by achieving a few successful erections/orgasms alone, which will build confidence.
 
First times are always hard because the only sex you have ever had is alone in the dark with your computer - alone. Now think of something else you do alone - use the toilet. Imagine going to the bathroom with someone suddenly watching you, it's bound to make you nervous - that's how people get pee shy. You can't expect to be okay having sex with someone else on your first time.

I had the exact same thing happen my first time, but now I've learned that being in a relationship is much more important for me, and so sex isn't this big event anymore, it's just something that happens and I can just go with it.
 
I don't know if a psychiatrist would be useful. It'd be like talking through your fear of spiders or heights. You'd still need to confront the spider or the high place.

I think you need to find someone who's sufficiently mature and sufficiently into you that they'll give you at least a few gos at it while you relax and get over any embarrassment or self-consciousness with them. It'll also help if the stakes aren't that high (i.e. you're not already in love with the person). In all likelihood it'll happen much faster than you expect once you know that they like you as the person you are.

That's basically what's happened to me. I've suffered from crippling performance anxiety pretty much forever. There are a whole lot of people who I've liked and avoided considering relationships with because I've dreaded the consequences of having a bad bedroom experience with them. About two weeks ago I met a guy through a dating site, we clicked on several levels, I've spent three nights at his place. He found out pretty quickly that I'm inexperienced and uptight. It took me till the third night before I was able to jerk off in his presence. There are still things I'm not ready to do with him and he knows that. Despite that we've reached the point where we're able to have a lot of fun, far more than I would have dreamed possible on night 1 - and that's really all that's required if you think about it. You need to make peace with whatever you're feeling or not feeling, after that everything becomes OK surprisingly quickly.
 
Definitely talk to an MD to rule out physical problems first. Get a testosterone test. If that doesn't get results, you could try counseling. Look for somebody with expertise in this area, and gay friendly.
 
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