Tricky situation with my "boyfriend"

[Robin76264]

Hey Guys, I just want to ask for your opinion about my story.

So, how do I start...


Well, there is this guy, lukas, I met him last year Halloween, we met at the party of a good friend of mine and he was there with, at the time his best friend. Just for info he is 17 and i am 21.

So in January he and my group of friends became really close, when he got his driving license so he was with us all the time.

He is really great, and funny, and cute and all.

So we hung out a couple times, talked, had fun and all.

And one day, we drunk a couple beers at the promenade by the Salzach (large river in Salzburg) it's where young people chill, and have fun and stuff.

So we where there with a few friends just having fun, I was sober cause I was the one driving.

At some point around 11pm he said he had to go pee, and I had too, so we went down to the river, where nobody could see us,

we peed and then he wanted to sit alone and talk, so we did, we talked really, really long, for about 1hour.
At one pointe he stood up and I thought he wanted to go, but he sat on my lap and just started to kiss me.
At first I was surprised, but soon started to kiss back.
It was really, really hot, he then started to get under my shirt with his hand.
Then he suddenly asked me if I had my car keys by me, and we went into my car and just made out, then we sucked each other...

Buuut our friends couldn't find us, and our phones where turned mute, so they startet to search for us.

Long story short, two of them found us in the car, under a street lamp, NAKED, ...

That was the first time for him, that he had something with a man, and since then (now about 3 months ago) we are practically together.

4 of our friends know, but he had them swear they don't tell the rest of our friends.

Hey is just really, really afraid how people might react to us.

But let me tell you, it would make no difference at all, we have a couple of gay and lesbian friends, even the hetero ones, ALL did sleep with the same sex or at least are making out, like everytime we go out.

So we are seeing each other almost every day, sleeping together, having sex, doing all the relationship stuff, like cuddling, holding hands, go on dates (far enough away so no one knows him) I even treated him to a wellness trip to a fancy hotel and spa for a weekend.

I know for a fact that he is in love with me, cause he told a friend, and he is like all hearts and stuff in mesasges, says he misses me, always holds my hands, hugs me in the sleep and all that, i love him too.

It is just hard to not show it in public.

We have to be like normal friends, I can't touch him, can't hold his hand and all.

So what would you do about it?

How to date a guy who is in the closet? I mean i don't say he should go out and tell everybody he likes dicks, that's really not what i wan't, I mean we are young and right now it is the right thing for us, noone has to say that it will stay that way forever.

 

[treeri]

Tell him how you feel and let him respond to it over time (i.e. gradually); don't make it threatening either... "if you can't come out by xx day then we're done, etc...". Just do what you can to make him feel safe and comfortable.
Don't expect him to suddenly come out because it's a slow process for most guys; your boyfriend needs to feel ready.

 

[Robin76264]

thanks for the response.

Yes you are right, I don't wan't him to come out if he doesn't want it, I just think it wouldn't change a thing when it comes to our friends.

But I understand him, he lives in a small town, if anyone would know, the next day the whole town would know it, and that can be frightening.

I myself am in the closet, just my friends know it.
It is just stupid to lie my friends in the face when they ask what I did that weekend, and I have to lie to them and tell them that I did something I really didn't because in reality I spent it with him, and the fact that we have the exact same group of friends makes it even harder.
And even if we say it anytime soon, everyone will be pissed because wie lied to them for months.

 

[camjam]

Dont break up with him because he wont come out. If you care for him, let him come out on his very own. Breaking up would completely hurt him, and possibly cause him to never come out. Be very supportive of him, and encourage him too. But make him know that you wont think nothing less of him even if he decides to still hide it.

Coming out is pretty hard. Dont push him. This is the same with me. I am from a very small town that has 1 bar and 1 diner. Everyone knows everything about each other, and alot of the people are homophobic types. I came out on my own back in 11th grade and had lots of people hating on me and calling me names. As you can read here: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/406523-This-is-how-i-turned-my-friend-gay

My parents are supportive and so was my friend Caisen. A couple years after that, i finally started dating caisen. Read that thread for how i did it.

 

[Robin76264]

So. Little update on my case.

it is now April, which means this "thing" happend over a year ago.

Last friday one year ago to be exactly, and we are still seeing each other, still dating each other and still in love.

We are really, really in love.

But the situation did not really change.

So ALL of our friends know, at least friends who know us both.

His friends, or classmates don't know a thing, still thinking he is straight LOL

PLUS

Both his sisters, my sister and mother and my cousin know it.

Everyone is very supportive, we didn't have one single person who is now diffrent around us, everyone is happy for us and they all think we are a great couple.

So 2 weeks ago, my bofriend (yes i am allowed to call him that) drunk-cheated on me. (see other thread) but the worst part, it was with an schoolmate of his. A BOY

So he really, really regrets it and stuff, but still doesn't want to tell this guy, I mean for the guy, there is nothing, cause he doesn't even know i exist. But for me it is hard, cause of the same reason, ther is no reason for this other guy, not to try anything in the future or something and I just don't understand why my bofriend still doesn't want to tell the guy, I mean come on, the sucked dicks and kissed, how much more gay can it get?


to see more, read on in my other thread.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/421691-Boyfriend-drunk-cheated-on-me

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Robin76264,

Thanks for linking both threads together and please excuse me that I was not aware you were living in Austria. Anyway, your English is very well so no need to bother that we might not be able to understand what you are trying to tell us. I am living in The Netherlands, and the school system in The Netherlands is also different from the school system in the US, and likely as well from the school system in Austria.

So 'everyone' around you is aware what's going on between you and him, and I tend to think that more people will already be aware of this. Are you 100% sure that no one will have talked about this? For example, what do you think some of them might answer when they get the question that you don't have a girlfriend?

So his cousin is closely working together with you at the same company. Do you have any idea about the opinion of his cousin about gay people? What's the age of his cousin? His cousin will be aware that you don't have a girlfriend and he will also be aware that you don't seem to have alot of interests in girls. His cousin will also be aware that you and X (= your boyfriend) know each other (at least I assume that this is the case). I am not sure if you can take it for granted that his cousin will never ever get an idea that you might be a gay guy, and that X is befriended with a gay guy (=you). One + one = two?

It is a tough situation, in particular as you tell us that no one in Salzburg is allowed to know that you and X are committed with each other. Towards my opinion, Salzburg is not a small village (around 150,000 people according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salzburg), but I see your point. I tend to think that, sooner or later, people will find out that there is more then just a mere 'friendship' between you and him.

Many straight guys of around his and your age don't proclaim that they are straight, but they just incorporate their (new) girlfriend in their social life (including Facebook, etc.). For them its not a big deal that they have a girlfriend. She is just walking around with him / is drinking coffee with him (etc.), or she is just depicted on a photo he is putting on Facebook. Gay couples (like you and X) can do the same, so just casually make clear that X and you have a close friendship. People will easily draw a conclusion (or not).

It is very good to hear that anyone around you is very supportive, and that's also good for him to realize.

I would not bother too much about the other guy. That's something which happenend, and maybe this guy has his own ideas / opinions about gay people and about X. I don't know and you don't know either as long as you don't have discussed this topic with him.

So I am quite sure that, sooner or later, people around him will find out what's going on between you and him.

Good luck, take care and feel free to react.

 

[Robin76264]

thank you very much for answering.

So yes, his cousin (David) is working with me, and yes he knows that i know his cousin.
He is around the same age (My Boyfriend (Lukas) is 18 and his cousin is turning 19 next week)

It is just a tricky situation, caus i know Lukas very well and his family, i know really, really much abouth them, like who is married to who. i know all the people by names and their children and stuff. But David doesn't know that, he thinks that I am just a friend of his cousin, not more, not less.

And I don't think that he suspects that I might be gay, we don't talk about this stuff.

And he does not have anything against gay people, in facht a few of his friends are gay.

What adds to this situation is that David's girlfriend goes to the same school, even the same class as Lukas.

So if Anybody in his class knows, she knows, so will David and the rest of their familys, in like a split-second.

And that is why he is afraid, also in Salzburg there are very few places to be.

Like for example there is this big river through the city-center and around this area in summer all people hang out, just like us and our friends, but he has to sit a few feet away from me, no body-contact, nothing, just in case someone we, or he knows comes along and sees us.

When we are out of town (for example we where in Berlin for new-year) he is a totally diffrent person.

He takes my hand, while walkong down the streets, is not afraid to kiss me when we stop at a red light, hugs me around my waist while standing anywhere. Just stuff normal couples do. But only when he is sure, noone is around.

aaaahhhh

Why must it be so hard.

I mean i got a person who loves me, and who I love with all my heart, still I am not allowed to show it to the world.

I mean it should not matter what gender the other person is. It makes no different to us, so it schould not matter to others.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Robin76264,

Thanks alot for your quick and extensive response and for adding some details. So David has some gay friends and I assume that his girlfriend will also not be a homophobe.

You are totally right that this is currently a hard situation and that this situation will stay hard as long as Lukas will go out of his league to keep pretending that he is a 'straight guy who is single and is still looking around for a nice girlfriend'. In the 1920s, or even in the 1960s, people could behave like that, but we are now living in 2014. All of your friends / peers are aware that also in Salzburg gay guys are walking around.

I don't see a good solution that you can have a solid and a healthy relationship with a guy who insists to stay in the closet in the situation you describe to me. This does not mean that he should begin with walking along the river hand-in-hand with you / kssing you, etc. (same like not all straight couples show affection when in public), but this does mean that he should not longer hide for the rest of the world that he has a 'special friendship' with you (up to you and him to decide which label you use) and that you are a gay guy.

You are totally right that it will not matter to other people in your circle when it becomes obvious that you and Lukas are a couple, in particular as quite a few of them are aware that you and Lukas are (close) friends with each other. Sex is private and there is no rule (or whatever) that you need to discuss with anyone outside Lukas what you are doing with Lukas when both of you are together in a private situation.

I tend to think that more people will already be aware that you are / might be gay as you are assuming right now. Please be aware that quite a few girls in your peer group will have noticed that you are a 'safe' guy, and some of them might even have noticed that you are 'checking out' guys (in stead of girls / in stead of them).

So who are exactly the people who might react in a strongly negative way when it becomes public that Lukas is gay / that Lukas is your boyfriend? His classmates? I doubt? Only (some of) his relatives (you told us that all his sisters were very supportive)?

Have you put anything on your profile on Facebook about you and Lukas spending time in Berlin? Why not set some small steps by regularly posting some nice pictures of Lukas on Facebook with a text like 'just have spend a nice evening with Lukas'? Or, some nice pics during our stay in Berlin. So you don't mention that Lukas and you are boyfriends with each other, but just post some nice (and decent) pictures of both of you (or only of him) with a bit of text (neutral). Any idea how he will react?

 

[Robin76264]

So obviously you haven't read the whole other thread, understandingly cause it is much to read.

I try to make a small summary.

ALL our friends know about us and all are very supporting.
He is just afraid about his mother.

He has 2 older Sisters, one who is 25 and the other is the same age as me.

So the older one told their parents 2 years ago that she is a lesbian, and their mother totally freaked, she cryed for 2 weeks, asked herself what she did wrong, the whole stuff.

Dad didn't really react at all, like most dads he doesn't talk that much.

So now, 2 years later there is no problem anymore, the accept it, might not like it a lot but don't say anything against is. But the topic is never brought up by the parents.

And that is what he is afraid of. His mother or Parents getting hurt, I mean 2 out of 3 kids gay (if the knew the third one did also do things with women haha) that must be hard on them, and he just doesn't want to see her like this again.

But what makes the situation diffrent is, that his sister did NOT have a girlfriend, still doesn't and never had. So she just said, hey mom, dad, i am a lesbian, i like women, live with it.

Our situation is different, they all know me, they all like me, i sleep over at his house, we go on vacation together and stuff.

Only thing they don't know ist that we spend so much time alone, and went on vacation alone and stuff.

So that is the thing he is afraid of, if someone knew, that his mother might find out and flips.

So that is the difference is see in this.

If we would tell them:

Listen mum, I know it is hard you, but I fell in love with Robin, we know each other a long time and are in a relationship for over 12 months now, I love him, he loves me, we are happy. Doesn't mean that it will stay that way forever. Maybe one day I will find a women to love, maybe not.

But I think you should know it, and I am sick of hiding and making up excuses for me to see him and you not noticing.

That's what I would tell her.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Robin76264,

Please excuse me that I had not read everything in both threads.

So it is only his mother that he is very afraid to tell that he likes guys and that both of you are in love of each other. And even his whole family is very well aware that both of you are very good friends of each other and that both of you spend alot of time together.

So it is only his mother who reacted not well when his older sister told her parents that she is a lesbian, but she changed after a few weeks. Right now his mother seems to accept the current situation (though his sister does not has a girlfriend).

I think Lukas and you should tell his mother the quote you have suggested, and I can even imagine myself that he will tell this while you and he are together with his mother (or even that you will tell it when both of you are together with his mother). I mean, you are a bit older and maybe he is too scared to tell this. Ofcourse, you must only do this when he agrees with this. Maybe you should discuss it with Lukas? Is Lukas afraid that his mother will thrown him out of the house? Is it about grandkids? Well, also straight guys cannot be forced to get grandkids when they meet a girl and when both agree with each other that they don't want to have kids.

I also agree with you that the current situation is not good and that it blocks a development in the friendship between both of you. Finally, it is also not excluded that his mother will even have some thoughts about Lukas (and you), in particular because you don't hide very much that you are gay (and are engaged with Lukas). It seems somehow that there is this so-called 'big elephant in the room which is simply ignored'.

Good luck and feel free to react and/or ask more questions.