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Trying to make things better with a friend

Horse90

Horse90

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This may be a bit of a read, just letting you know now :)

Roughly a week ago, I departed my home country of Australia to go on student exchange. Once I arrived at my destination, I told my friend here that I was now in the same city as them, a fact I had kept secret from him.

He and I have had a close online relationship for a few years now, we even 'met' on here, and have stayed in contact since we first began talking. I've wanted to go on student exchange since I was 15 (I'm 21 now), and wanted to finally travel.

Now, I bet the question being asked is, why didn't I tell him? There are a few reasons. First, I wanted to surprise him. Two, this is the second time in two years I attempted to go on exchange. Last time, his boyfriend got extremely uncomfortable with the idea of me coming, and due to one thing or another, I had to cancel my exchange. The issue here is that when I told him I was here, I think I made it sound like the second reason was the bigger reason than the first. I was somewhat jet lagged at the time...

Long story short, he's furious at me, and feels I really broke his trust by not telling him. He's told me that if anyone else but me had done this, he wouldn't be talking to them. I asked him to take some time out so he can deal with it, but he's stopped talking altogether. I just don't know what to do to make it up to him, or when I should try talking. I know I need to talk to him so that he knows I wanted to surprise him, not that I wanted to hide things because of last time... I really don't wanna lose him, so I'm trying to tread very lightly... I just don't know what to do.
 
Yeah, this isn't the whole story. Why would you cancel a study exchange because of his boyfriend? That makes no sense whatsoever. Unless the whole study exchange thing is an excuse to go meet him.
 
He's being a child? Great, let him. YOu go and have a blast whilst abroad. If he wants to contact you, fine.

Don't let this spoil your trip.
 
I'm sorry if I confused before. The first exchange trip was not cancelled because of his then-boyfriend. It was cancelled because of some sudden financial issues which jumped out at me... And I do wanna meet him, as I said, it's been a close friendship for a few years now.
Reading over what was said, a lot of his reaction is because of things I said. I'm not the most eloquent when tired... He felt betrayed because we talked about things like my lease expiring back home, and me finding elsewhere to live. While I didn't lie, he feels misled. Not to mention, I told him I expected a bad reaction from him, regardless of when I told him, so I guess he now feels I don't care or respect what he thinks and feels, as I came anyway, despite me thinking he wouldn't take it well...
 
Fear after what happened the first time around I guess. His boyfriend majorly flipped out. Even tried to bargain with me by saying he'd pay for my friend to visit me the next lot of holidays, if I didn't go on exchange. I got angry on my friend's behalf and turned him down... But given that my actions were the catalyst for his relationship breaking down, I felt a lot of guilt and always felt that my friend would be angry at me for it... Despite him telling me he wasn't. Just one of those things that I accepted as a polite lie between friends...
 
This is all getting majorly weird. So your friend said he was fine with it for his boyfriend majorly wigging about you - JUST a friend and in no way romantically interested in the guy - coming there, but you thought he was lying?
 
Um... What?

He didn't blame me for his boyfriend wigging out at me, but I felt he was, because... I dunno. Anyone in that situation would be angry at me for sparking the events, I would probably be angry at anyone in that situation, so it never really computed logically that he'd not blame me for causing the event which made his boyfriend freak out.
 
Actually no, I don't see the logic in this. I'd never blame a friend for my boyfriend acting irrational about him. I ask again, are you really JUST friends? And if you think so, are you sure HE does too? Because if that's the case, his bf didn't have any reason to react the way he did.
 
I agree with Rolyo, this is majorly weird. In your opening posting you say, "I told my friend here that I was now in the same city as them, a fact I had kept secret from him.". I couldn't figure out who "them" were because up to that point you didn't mention his boyfriend.

You claim he is only a good friend, but you got angry "on his behalf" when his boyfriend tried to talk you out of coming there.

Then you say that your actions were the catalyst for his relationship with his boyfriend breaking down. His boyfriend doesn't want him to have you as a friend?

I think you better start over and describe the situation and your feelings as they really are, without sugar-coating anything.
 
We are just friends, as far as I'm aware. He and I were too far apart to make any sort of relationship work. His boyfriend wigged out because he felt his friend and I were too close as friends though. And I'm not really the sort to 'love 'em and leave 'em'... It's not fair on him, or myself. His boyfriend was uncomfortable with how close he and I were, despite never meeting... Cyberspace is very different from real life.
 
Could it be that either he or his boyfriend (or both) are insecure about their relationship and saw your arrival on the scene as a threat or an invasion of their territory?

That perception would be strengthened by the fact that you showed up unannounced and that your motives were not made clear up front.
 
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