Turns out, monogamy is hard

[ares60606]

I've known that I was gay for some time, but for some unimportant reasons, I only started actually acting on these feelings over the last year. I'm starting the process of coming out, and though it's been slow (mostly friends, some coworkers), it's going fine. Even though I'm going through the process a little later than some (I'm 27), it's really going well. With all this stuff about bullying and harassment in the news...it makes any discomfort or nervousness I feel about it seem so unimportant.

Anyway. Two months after my first experience, I ended up kind of striking up a relationship with a guy. We've been seeing each other for almost a year now. We go out, we have dates, he's met some of my friends that know I am gay. We're something approaching a normal couple, and while I'm not really comfortable throwing around the L-word yet, I care about him very much.

The problem is that I have been unable to stop one-night stands with other guys. When we first started hanging out, I was meeting with another guy on and off. I finally cut things off with that guy. Since then, however, I've picked up guys at bars, and did the occasional internet hookup. I thought this might have stopped -- I hooked up with a guy in July, but then things started to pick up with my boyfriend, and I thought that was over. However, this weekend, after going drinking I went and picked a random guy up from a bar, went back to his hotel, and fooled around.

What I want to type here is, "I feel like a scumbag." But I don't. I don't feel guilty, and THAT makes me feel guilty. I know this would hurt him, and I am fairly sure he is not running around doing this. And I hate that I am apparently this kind of person -- take this as you will, but I'm a really moralistic person, and I hate the idea that I am, it turns out, a bad person.

The only explanation I can give is that I really haven't had a lot of opportunity to explore this part of myself. I've only been acting on these feelings for a bit over a year, and this guy has been in my life for most of it. Even before that, I wasn't with a lot of women. It's amazing to feel young and sexual and desired, and I know it's shallow, but I totally missed out on that, and I never had a chance to do it until now. I am totally satisfied by my sex life with this guy. But there's something about exploring what it's like to be with different types of guys, something about being young and sexual that I just have trouble resisting. This is so freaking shallow, but I don't know how to deal with it.

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? Am I just rationalizing my sleazebagginess, and do I just need to man up and get over it? Is this a sign that I should leave this guy and enjoy being young? Or is that giving up something important for a shallow reason?

Thanks for listening.

 

[altlover85]

Maybe monogamy isn't right for you right now. It's shitty to hear, but it may be how you feel and where you are presently. It's okay.

Let this man know. Make sure you aren't having unprotected sex.

Exploration is okay, but not if it fucks up other people's lives.

You are better than that. Be honest and know that you did what you could to inform him of the safety of being with you.

Good luck!

 

[Sk8ter_Boy]

Agreed you need to tell him the truth. A relationship based on lies isnt one at all.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. What is the understanding you have with the guy you've been seeing? I would have thought that by now the subject of being exclusive would have come up.

If it is bothering you then it's something that needs to be brought to his attention. Tell him that besides seeing him you also hook up. He should know in order to decide if he still wants to see you. I'm guessing he will.

I'm not sure how hooking up makes you a bad person. Whose moral code are you not living up to, your own or your perception of what society is telling you? In any case it doesn't make you "bad." If you act on uncontrollable compulsion you need the help of therapy or a 12-step program. If hooking up does not interfer with living your life you need to find a way not to give yourself negative messages. In any case come clean with your regular guy. Even if he stops seeing you you'll have the burden of this secret taken away. Good luck to you buddy.

 

[KaraBulut]

Monogamy is not hard. Commitment is. And licking an addiction is.

If this were a situation where you didn't have a commitment and the two of you had talked and concluded that you wanted an open relationship, this wouldn't be an issue.

The real issue here is that you care about this guy and you're fucking it up.

And you're not fucking it up because the sex isn't great with your boyfriend. You're not fucking it up because you want to hurt him. You're fucking this up because you have an addiction.

This is complicated. There's a lot going on here that will take some time to unravel. Understanding what is behind your compulsion to have one-night stands and hookups will be a lot of work. But dealing with addiction is always work.

The sooner you get started seeing a therapist and getting help, the better.

 

[hylas]

The problem is that I have been unable to stop one-night stands with other guys.

yeah look: this is bullshit. if youre sleeping around, then thats your choice. you are very much able to stop this at any time, but you dont want to.

but hear me out, im actually not going to go all judgmental on you. because i know exactly how you feel. i sleep around all the time, i dont feel bad about it, and i dont feel bad about not feeling bad about it. i might be a 'slut' in the sex-positive sense of the word, but im not a sleazebag and im not a bad person. i just like sex, and i dont like monogamy. and i suspect youre pretty similar that way.

so stop feeling bad about yourself. embrace that part of your sexuality. monogamy doesnt cut it for you (at least not at this point in time - it might change in the future, or not), so youll have to find other forms - open relationships? polyamory? - that work for you.

but you have to tell your boyfriend. what youre doing now is cheating, and thats bad bad bad. hopefully, hell understand, but i wouldnt be surprised if he broke up with you over this. yeah, life sucks sometimes, but you brought this on yourself and you have to see it through. in the future, disclose your non-monogamous nature from the start (i mostly tell them on the second date, and everybody who gets to know me through a dating site knows from the moment they read my profile) and make sure everybody knows what the deal is regarding exclusivity. communicate!

welcome to jub! good luck!

 

[StakeMe]

Monogamy is not hard. Commitment is. And licking an addiction is.

If this were a situation where you didn't have a commitment and the two of you had talked and concluded that you wanted an open relationship, this wouldn't be an issue.

The real issue here is that you care about this guy and you're fucking it up.

And you're not fucking it up because the sex isn't great with your boyfriend. You're not fucking it up because you want to hurt him. You're fucking this up because you have an addiction.

This is complicated. There's a lot going on here that will take some time to unravel. Understanding what is behind your compulsion to have one-night stands and hookups will be a lot of work. But dealing with addiction is always work.

The sooner you get started seeing a therapist and getting help, the better.

I definitely think you could benefit from seeing a therapist but I'd have to disagree that you're suffering from a full fledged addiction.
Is hooking up with random guys effecting how you live your day to day life? Is it hurting anyone else around you, other then your unknowing boyfriend? If you answer no to both of these questions then i think you're addiction free.
All you have to do is tell him...sure it'll probably end your relationship but you won't feel as guilty anymore and you'll be able to get this out of your system for the next guy who comes along.

 

[ares60606]

Thanks for all your input.

I know that it's something I should tell him. I know it's ironic, but the reason I have so much trouble with that is that I can't stand the idea of hurting him like that. I'm working under this fantasy that I'm going to get this under control, and things are going to be different.

I'm not sure how open I am to the idea that it's an addiction. It feels more like immaturity -- I swear it off, go without doing it for months, and then get drunk and fuck up. It feels more like being a dirtbag than an addict, but I guess it could be something more than that.

I just can't tell if I'm being immature and superficial, or if it actually is a sign that I want to not be in a relationship right now.

 

[chance1]

The only reason to feel guiilty is if you're not being honest with your bf

If you're not ready for an exclusive relationship I suggest you share with him where you're at - so he and you can determine if staying "together" is possible

Maybe an open relationship is possible - many do it

but tell him - and your guilt will be over

and it's the right thing to do

and where you are right now - I have been there

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm not sure how open I am to the idea that it's an addiction. It feels more like immaturity -- I swear it off, go without doing it for months, and then get drunk and fuck up. It feels more like being a dirtbag than an addict, but I guess it could be something more than that.

People put a lot of morality around addictions and impulse disorders. Tey want to treat it like it's a moral failing to not be able to stop eating, stop drinking, stop cheating on your boyfriend.

The issue is not only that you're doing this- it's that you can't stop yourself from doing it even though you know what you're risking by doing it.

These things have many facets and it takes some time to get at the root of it. But you owe it to your relationship and to yourself to start trying to figure it all out.

 

[jstud]

I love some of the answers to this question. If you're fucking around you're fucking around dude, just wear protection.

 

[Just_Believe18]

If you have any care at all for your boyfriend, you will break up with him. Tell him the truth and break up with him. Immediately.

If you want to do what's right. That's your answer right there.

 

[Darvin]

I think monogamy is overrated.. why must we be bound by monogamy? and only be able to enjoy the body of one person forever.... If you truly love your boyfriend, My advice would be to negotiate an open relationship with him... Else, find someone who will accept your lifestyle... Realtionships are about two expectations being fulfilled..