two very different people can be a couple?

[sureaaa]

Thanks for your attention. I really appreciate any opinions.

I've been with this guy for two months. We have chemistry and both enjoy spending time with each other. I almost spend half of my night at his home. We cook, watch glee and modern family, and work at home together. Everything seems fine.

But the thing is we seem to come from two totally different worlds. (for reference, I'm 24 and he is 31) . I grow up in China while he is an American. It is even worse that I'm the first Asian gay he has dated and he really knows nothing about my culture. He is a musician and does classic music but I'm a science guy.（I'm not Einstein who is both a scientist and a musician) The only common thing is that we are kind of academia because he has doctor of music and I'm on my way. This is one point I like. Actually, I've never thought of any cross in my life with such a guy but chemistry is just so mysterious that brings two completely different people together.

In addition, he is very social which brings about the problem. He wants me to meet his friends and he thinks I need to know all of his friends if I'm with him. Then we can hang out together. It's going to be awkward if he has a party and I dont know his friends. That's reasonable！ But I don't really like doing that. It's not because I'm not social but I dislike American parties where I feel uncomfortable and I don't think I will match his friends considering his social circle indicated by his age and background. What I want to do is to spend time with him but not to hang out with his every friend (I'm totally fine to know his best 2-3 friends).
Sometimes I really wish he was Chinese which would make it perfect.

I'm worried about this and openly talked to him twice. We had a good conversation but I still cant put it away. Tonight I even said to him that I hated American parties and I don't know if that made him unhappy.

I wants to keep this relationship because I know both of us will be very sad if it does not work out. But how? He asked me not to concern too much about the difference but to think more about the common things and He is more than happy to learn more about me and my culture.


You and your boyfriends are very different? and are you involved a lot in his social life?

Thanks a lot for your patience to read this...

 

[HunterM]

You don't have to like everything he does just as he does not have to like everything you do. You need to ask yourself, "Do I value this relationship enough to tolerate it? Adapt to the situation?"

It is even worse that I'm the first Asian gay he has dated and he really knows nothing about my culture.

Why is it worse? Here's your opportunity to enlighten him with your culture. Open up your world to him for him to learn more about you. You need to take the lead on this one. If he refuses to learn about your world, then this relationship would not last.

As far as socializing with his friends at parties, you need to get over your own insecurities. You don't have to pretend to like his parties. You DO need to adapt and keep an open mind. As smart as you are in getting a PhD, I'm sure you can learn from other people, learn from his friends. Comprise is what couples do. His social network is his world. His American parties are his culture. If you don't want to know his world, then don't expect him to learn about your world, your culture. Fair? Just as you told him that you hate his American parties. What if he said, "I hate your Chinese culture." How would you feel then?

Do you value this relationship? Do you want this relationship to grow in the positive direction? If you do, talk to him on why you don't feel comfortable at his parties. Then ask him to help you figure out ways to make it more enjoyable for you. Lead by examples if you want him to learn more about your culture. Stop projecting your own insecurities on to his friends. Acknowleging what you both like and don't like is GREAT! We do want to live our authentic selves. However, instead of focusing on your differences, let's focus on common grounds and grow in that direction.

As long as two people are willing to learn from each other, then this relationship can last.

 

[sureaaa]

If you don't want to know his world, then don't expect him to learn about your world, your culture. Fair? Just as you told him that you hate his American parties. What if he said, "I hate your Chinese culture." How would you feel then?

Thank you so much for your reply...It really makes me realize that I do have double standards on the culture thing and I should feel shamed on my selfishness...

 

[Seasoned]

Hey, I hate American parties if they are just about drinking. Is that what you ate trying to say. Maybe you each need to commit to regular Chinese nights and regular American nights. Let him know why you don't like the parties he attends. Do you feel self-conscious? Take him to some Chinese events if it is possible to be out.

 

[HunterM]

Remember you can also contribute ideas to his parties...to make it MORE FUN! You have the power to make things better. Add value to his life.

 

[Atzesp]

First of all, you must remember that committing is sharing. Both of you must make some efforts in order to put things working properly.

But the first thing you tell us it that you two seem to come from different worlds, and at this point I agree with HunterM; You don't have to like everything he does, and vice-versa. But indeed, it seemed that you demand more of him to get used to you and your culture, while you simply reject his.

I've been to China once and I thought it was fascinating, despite all the cultural shocks. Indeed, you are grown in a very different way, with distinct values and behaviors - so here's an opportunity to both of you learn new things and spread your horizons. As far as parties are concerned, well, they are parties; They won't last for months, and you don't have to be cynical and keep smiling all the time. Just act like you were at any other party. Try to learn from his friends, to achieve the best of them. Every person have something interesting to tell, it's up to you to discover!

I won't say it's easy, of course. I myself faced it some months ago, when I was at a marriage and was introduced - at once - to about 15 friends of my bf, people he has known since he was at university (and by then, no one knew he was gay). It was not easy to put on an interesting conversation from the start, but at the end of the night I was dancing with two of his friends hugged on me, laughing till death. The next morning we all went to the beach and then everybody invited us to visit them as soon as possible. It's just a matter of trying to do so.

Sometimes I really wish he was Chinese which would make it perfect.

This also shall be the point; Would you feel the same way about him if he was Chinese? Would he have got you interested that much? Or does he attracted you a lot also because it's a new world for you to discover?

Try not to think of him as the Prince Charming - he only exists in fairy tales. Instead, try to think of him as the Prince Possible. Try to get out of your security field, and also be social - you! You can have great surprises, not only for your relationship but - I dare to say - even for your personal growth.

 

[sureaaa]

Hey, I hate American parties if they are just about drinking. Is that what you ate trying to say. Maybe you each need to commit to regular Chinese nights and regular American nights. Let him know why you don't like the parties he attends. Do you feel self-conscious? Take him to some Chinese events if it is possible to be out.

It's not about drinks...it's like American parties are all about talking...talking...talking... Why are there so many to talk about...lol...

 

[sureaaa]

Thank you for your reply... I do like your comment...the fun of trying new things will certainly overcome the difference...
Update: I met one of his friends the other night... We had a great time! it might be like a game... This friend was level one... Haha

 

[Atzesp]

I met one of his friends the other night... We had a great time! it might be like a game... This friend was level one... Haha

Well, did you see, sureaaa? Things can change, it depends also on you to do so. But I'm glad you decided to give it a shot. Go ahead, try to move along, get to know some other friends of him. You also could try inviting your bf to do, once in a while, something outside - but only both of you. Get to know a different place, a new restaurant, a simple walk in a park... Enjoy some of your time together to live new things, not only stay at home. Sooner than you think, you will have those kind of "our moments" that helps building a relationship.

And don't forget to tell us how it all went - including his reactions to this "new you".
I dare to say that your relationship will get only better and better.