two worlds in one

[james12345]

i am having a hard time with my life styles one of a married man and the one who is confused as to who i am i have been happily married for a lot of years and our sex life i thought was great i loved it every time although times were getting farther between. the other guy would go out and wear feminine clothing that made him feel sexy and would wind up either masturbating often or run into a man , who i would sometimes preform oral sex on , or he me , most of the time i would jack with them watching . to make a long story short , i love my wife dearly, and she rescently found this out, i was arrested and the truth fianally came out ,devastating her, and i am sick over hurting someone so dear to me. she did nothing wrong and dont deserve any of this. i know i should have talked to her prior to our getting together, but you see the selfishness in me wanted her. now its to late, i have carried this lie a long time and am now trying to right a wrong i wish to do no more harm to someone i love so much, i have assured her that i will lie no more as there is nothing left to hide. dont know whats in store for us but i would gladly give up the men for her .she says she dont know if i can. i would like some help or constructive thoughts . am i gay, sick, bi, i definitely am confused. when ever i was with a man it made sick after she says it was the guilt. i got no enjoyment from what i was doing but at the same time i went to great lengths to do the things i did i hit all the goodwill stores from miles to find clothing to wear . any time id go do these things i would start beating my ass when i jacked cause i hated what i was doing and the thought of breaking my wifes heart made me want to punish myself so i hit myself constantly. need i keep going or do we get the picture of a screwed up person. any suggestions please?

 

[screwnutty]

Wow. I'm assuming your the husband to Diane...right? If not...sorry

Ummmm...I wish I could tell you what you were...but I can't. Only you know that answer to that question. I know your confused right now....we all are when we first start to have the "feelings" The sickness you describe does indeed sound like guilt. Which once again you are not alone in feeling. A lot of guys who are just coming to terms with themselves feel this too after being with a guy.

You got a long road ahead of you and it won't be easy. Your going to need some professional help here. I don't think your going to figure this one out on your own. I think you need to see a counselor. You got some deep seeded issues that you need to deal with. I'm no expert on this sorry. I knew from growing up that I was different from the other guys. Gee maybe some others here can give you better advice then me...but for now. Get that professional help because you and me both know that you can't give up men. That's just a fool's errand on your part. First step you need to do though is look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you do like guys too. Maybe you don't love them like your wife but that you do find them somewhat attractive to you. That will at least be one monkey off your back....and make your journey to discovering the real you that much easier!

Good luck

 

[lonnie1]

You really need the help of a pyschotherapist. Check local resources to see if you can find someone to help you with gay issues.

 

[rareboy]

Well.

Firstly, you can be gay or bisexual and you are not 'sick'. This is where you have to start. Why do you think of yourself as sick? Answer that and there is a place to start. Accept that sexuality is innate and complex and take another step forward with your life.

If you have been cheating and lying, that is a sickness of sorts but can be put to rights.

You've got a long row to hoe in therapy before you and your wife are going to be healed. right now, all you seem to have is shame and guilt and recrimination. It must be hard for you to see the big picture all that clearly. You may try to make promises that are absolutley impossible to keep without destroying yourself and hurting your wife even more.

Try to step back from the situation and deal with it from a more dispassionate and long sighted view.

Retropsective understanding of behaviour, introspective understanding of behaviour and forward thinking will do you more good than wallowing in self loathing and rationalization without self awareness.

First you have to admit that the dishonesty is the root of the problem here, not your sexuality. Ask everyone you have lied to to forgive and to understand where this came from without denying that you and you alone are responsible for your behaviour.

If you also have any addictive behaviour, work on this next, whether it is drugs or alcohol or exhibitionism. Once you have a better understanding of what motivated your behaviour, you may even come to love yourself again, however imperfect you feel yourself to be.

 

[bluedragon4]

This has to be Diane's husband. Did you stumble across her thread in hopes she would read this? It's kinda interesting to read threads from both.

 

[G-Lexington]

The only sickness I see is a guy who's been torn for decades between what he wants to do (be gay, perhaps cross-dress, maybe even S&M) and what he feels he should do (be straight, marry, have kids, have nothing to do with anything "gay").

There are tons of guys here who are into mutual masturbation and/or oral.
There are those who cross-dress.
There are even those who enjoy mascochism - getting hit, beaten, or whipped (within limits) to heighten their sexual enjoyment.

All these people manage to live normal, happy, successful lives.

They do this because they accept that part of them.

I'm a homosexual. I have no interest in having sex with women. The people I want to have sex with are guys. I realized this a long time ago. I accepted it a long time ago. I don't deny it. Because of this, I was able to live my life on my terms. Being gay doesn't preclude me from being a sports fan or having straight friends or anything else. It just means the one I go home to (and go to bed with) is male.

I think it may be a while before you find out precisely what it is you want, sexually. It's going to be difficult to separate out what exactly are you sexual preferences, and what are your "accruments" that you've added on due to a sense of guilt. Do you get off on pain? Or do you just feel better about having gay thoughts if you feel like you're being punished for them? Do you actually enjoy cross-dressing? Or do you feel that, by wearing them, you're humiliating yourself by making yourself "a girly boy" for having gay thoughts? These are things that you're going to have to figure out, sort through, come to grips with.

And it's not going to be easy, or fast. You've got a lot of stuff to get through. This doesn't mean you can't get through it, but it does mean it's going to be a heck of a journey. I think you've been afraid of the journey for long enough, though. It's time to get started on it. Find out who you really are. Know that whoever you are, there are other people out there (and right here) who are in the same boat. You're not alone.

As for your wife. She now knows. She's aware. Don't try to cling to her. Make her aware that you're setting out on this journey, and you'll keep her informed every step of the way. Just because (as I believe) you may not desire her, does not mean you don't care deeply for her. Keep her in the loop, and do what you can for her. But prepare to cut her loose. She deserves to find her own way.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Hello James, and welcome. As you know, we have been reading Diane's posts since she first came to us about 6 weeks or so ago. I hope that you have read her posts, or if not--find them and read them. I think she's very in touch with her feelings and confused also.

First, though, you are not "sick" by any stretch of the imagination. What you are, if anything, is confused. Your head is also full of homophobic messages and you berate and hate yourself for doing things you feel you have to do.

None of this is healthy. You are miserable unnecessarily. That does mean that all is OK in your life and your marriage, but you don't need to be as miserable as you are.

What you need to do is find a good therapist to sort through your feelings about marriage, your wife, yourself, your sexual drives, and your behaviors. I promise you, that once you do this, you can develop a whole new outlook on life and feel good about yourself at the same time. But, it's going to take work and commitment on your part. You're going to have to break some habits, do some soul-searching, and really delve into the dark recesses of your mind to undercover truths about yourself. This will be particularly difficult (and perhaps painful) because you've spent a lifetime covering your tracks and hiding the truth--even from yourself.

Instead of anguishing about all this, use it as an opportunity to grow, develop, and become a man--one who is in touch with himself, and (for probably the first time) honest with himself and the most important person in his life. Working together with "diane06" you two can succeed. Many couples face this, and thrive. What it takes is a mutual love, respect, and commitment. I believe that you two have those ingredients.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[trawler69]

James to avoid duplication I hope you will forgive me referring to the response I gave in your wife's thread here

 

[james12345]

its me again first off you are correct, diane is the one who directed me to this site .she said that you all had some good advise. i agree that my lying is one major problem , i guess fear of being left by someone i love so much, and not wanting to hurt her, was my reasons why. i said to myself and others that it would break her heart if she found out, i got one thing right that is for sure. one thing i am totally confused about is that people who are gay say that because i had a man in my life that i am automatically gay.i have to admit that i have enjoyed some of it but ever since i met her i havent had any experience that would tell me i want a man over her. she is the best thing to happen to me ever. some say i will not be able to give up men .why i ask? she means more to me than any man. most of the time i spent away i was driving around going from store to store wearing girly outfits and such they made me feel good.as for men , this is where i am having trouble relating, some tried to kiss, thats out it was disgusting to me, i tried the anal, it hurt ,so thats out, why i liked exibitionisim i cannot explain, and when did anything oral i felt sick, guilt yes, but i ask myself why dont you stop this behavier, you have awife at home. but i seem to always end up doing it again.i know one thing that when i was clean and sober the behavior did not exist i always had to medicate, before and after. well i thank you all for your help and hope you keep sending advise.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm not saying you're gay because you've had sex with a man.
I'm saying you're gay because you have (according to you) the best thing that ever happened to you...and it's insufficient to meet your sexual needs.

I've been with the same guy for almost a decade. Is he absolutely everything I could ever possibly hope for, sexually? No. But he's sexually appealing enough to me so that, between that and our mutual love, I have no interest in anything outside the relationship. The fact that you not only continually look outside the confines of the relationship, but do so knowing that exposure could ruin both your professional life AND this otherwise precious relationship, seems to indicate that this isn't some one-time, "wanted to see what it's like" sort of thing. Having sex with a guy once is curiousity. Having sex (of whatever type) with a guy, repeatedly, is homosexuality.

The biggest problem I'm finding in your comments (and some that diane wrote) is an aversion to linking yourself with homosexuality. You seem to think that "whatever it is you have" isn't homosexuality, because you love your wife, or because you didn't like anal, or because you find man-on-man kissing disgusting. But you can love your wife, and not like anal, and be weirded out by the thought of kissing another guy...and still be gay. (Or at least bisexual, which just means "gay as well as straight".) I'm not crazy about anal, and I have women friends who I love with all my heart, but that doesn't change things - I'm still gay.

You'd be a crossdresser if you just liked wearing women's clothes. But your actions don't stop there. You apparently weren't satisfied with just doing that. Which is why I think that's not the extent of it. You kept doing sexual things with other men. You may claim to have hated it every step of the way, but most people don't keep doing things they dislike over and over.

I may be wrong, but my gut feeling is that you actually DO want to do sexual things with men, but you hate yourself for it. You desperately don't want to be gay. But evidence shows that you may be. I think you need to, at the very least, open yourself up to the possibility that you MIGHT be gay or bisexual. It may end up that you're not. But you seem to be slamming the door on that theory each time it's fronted. I think you need to examine the possibility openly and honestly first, and see what happens.

Lex

 

[mpdan]

You know, I'll be the first to say I have absolutely no idea why a man would have the need to dress in womans clothes. It ranks right up there with my utter confusion why a man in his 40's would want to date an 18 year old - be that child male or female. I - just - can't - relate.

But there are a lot of people who can't understand why I would walk away from a beautiful house in the 'burbs, leave a well paying corporate job for a career as an apartment house superintendent, and start a new life as a poor fag.

That being said, I do know that in my quest to understand gaydom, I became friends with a man at a gay karaoke bar I frequented who simply liked to dress up in womans clothing. As a woman he was ugly as sin - and made no attempt to improve the eyeliner job. But he is also an incredible conversationalist - a highly educated published author of historical non-fiction, married with a wife and adult son living in the Philadelphia area. And once a month with his wife's full knowledge and (belive it or not!) some of her jewelry he trekked to the Pennsylvania Pocono's to sing off-key love songs, surrounded by supportive gays, lesbians, transgenders and even a sprinkling of local avant-guard college kids. And he was cheered.

The three hour drive ensured discretion. He assured me it was not sexual -and this is the key difference from you, James. Just a need he had inside of him that had to be released. I could relate to that reasoning for the same reasons I suddenly needed to free myself from the confines of the straight world. For I was at that bar because I needed to be gay.

I know the life of James and Diane is not perfect - and I believe like G-Lexington states there is more to this that James is not willing to admit to himself - that perhaps time and therapy will sort out. But I also find it it amazing that these two are willing to pour their hearts out. They are fighting for something and I don't think that they themselves even know what it is.

I think it's love. But what do I know? I'm just an apartment house superintendent. All I truly know is I'm rootin' for the two of you. Good luck.

 

[backpacker]

James, many guys have been in similar situations. I know this is a very tough and confusing time for you. I think you are still in denial and not being totally honest with yourself. Do you really think you can give up guys? How many times have you told yourself that in the past? What was the result? Please continue your counseling as it will be very helpful in guiding you through these complicated emotions.

You are very lucky to have a great wife. Please be sure to consider what is best for her. You also need to consider what is best for you. I wish both of you the best for the future.