umpteenth passive rejection & I feel pathetic

[crubbed]

My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

The way my relationship with men has deteriorated over time has me pretty astonished.

I am a bottom and I have not had anal sex in 2 years. It's not like one day I decided to stop getting fucked. I guess I set my bar higher and higher. Ultimately no one seemed worthy. I don't engage in sexual activity with any man because I am pretty sure I will regret it in the short term. It can only go two ways: either I ultimately don't like the guy ('yuck! How could I have sex with him?') or, even worse, I like the guy and he flakes me after he fucks me. (bummer)

As a result, I don't care about sex anymore. I watch porn, but I don't care about it as much as I used to. I find myself watching scenes to keep myself in the loop, but I'm not really turned on or anything. It's almost like watching cats videos on youtube. I'm like "ok, kissing time. Next comes the blowjob. Next comes the ass fucking". Yawn. Been there, done that.

As for the romance in my life, I asked myself a question: do I really want a boyfriend? Do I really have any love to give? What is missing from my life? The answer might surprise you. I don't want a boyfriend. The only idea of planning my life with someone else, sharing my space with someone else for more than a couple of days terrifies me. You see, I grew up as the last of 4 children. My siblings are way older than me. I was spoilt in a sense, but I have always been alone with myself. However, I have always felt something was missing from my life. Finally, I know what it is.

I want an Instagram boyfriend. LOL I know, it sounds ridiculous. But let me explain. All my life I've wanted to be like everyone else. All my life I was sidelined, looked down upon. I lost a couple of jobs because I was not a married straight guy with children. Only recently have I started to muster up some real self confidence. Still, I want to make all those who made fun of me jealous. I've worked on my body. I've worked on my selfies. I've worked on my voice and my manners. All I need is some hot guy next to me, at least someone who is in my league, to pretend we have the perfect life and make everyone effing jealous.

I don't think I am the only one who has been longing for this. The only difference between me and other people is that I am in touch with my feelings strongly enough to put them into words.

Now the reason why I'm writing this...

Based on your experience, do you guys think I might regret this attitude one day? Maybe I'll look back and be like 'I was young, I could get anything, I was too blind to understand...'. Has this ever happened to you? I'd love to know.

Thanks for your input.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

...do you guys think I might regret this attitude one day? .

Yes. Hopefully soon.

 

[crubbed]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

Thanks for your reply. Well, it's not like I'm not trying. I've played the dating game until a few weeks ago. I would chat with someone for a couple of weeks -- intensely. Then we would meet, things would go well, I would get a text in the night saying how lovely it was to be with me and then bam. The guy would go M.I.A. I see a pattern. You might understand why I see it as a waste of time.

Plus, not everyone is cut to go through a standard relationship.

 

[eastofeden]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

I think that you will regret it because there is no substance to any of it....

 

[SeaCore]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

I'm less concerned about your disinterest in sex and more in your seeming obsession with trying to put up appearances as a way to get back at people who probably care far less about you than you do about them.

I don't think it's wrong to want some validation from the people around you, we are social creatures and we have a drive to be recognized, but it practically sounds like you're living your life for the sake of other people. Almost a selfless existence outside of the one selfish desire of fostering envy in people. Selflessness, in my book, is not a positive thing because it ignores your basic emotional needs, which are by necessity self-centered, and gives all of your autonomy over to people that do not have your best interests at heart. It's basically self-objectifying.

It seems to me like you need assistance learning how to resolve and cope with these feelings of alienation and the baggage that's coming with it. And I think you know that on at least some level because you wouldn't have even considered regretting it if you didn't see at least some hint of there being cons that you might not want to live down.

I absolutely believe you when you say these are the feelings you have and this is what you want to do but I think it'll likely lead to a lot of wasted time developing an image over developing an actual understanding of what it means to be you and what it takes to navigate the world as you.

 

[ballcaphair]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

^ I think the things you think we have all thunk. Your ideas are not unique. I believe that you are trapped inside a bunch of passing thoughts. "To pretend we have the perfect life and make everyone effing jealous," Is not the perfect life, it is pretending. Cut youself some slack and get outside your head. If you workout, find a friend and just do it. Build a non-sexual realationship or two to validate yourself. You're going to make yourself miserable trying to be someone else. Dude, get outside your head. (What you'e thinking now is going to make you feel awful.)

 

[crubbed]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

Hi guys, thank you for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me.

By reading your posts, I came to realize that I'm driven by fear and disappointment. Every time I am attracted to a guy, it's either a straight guy (I can't help it) or it's some gay guy who just does not have the time to put up with me. Furthermore, I have a small dick and I know for a fact that's a major let down for most guys. Almost no gay guy would accept me in the long term. So it's like I don't even care to make an effort to overcome my insecurities. I am 30 y.o. It would take me years to improve as a person.

Plus, you need an open and genuine heart to love and be loved back. I believe in love, but I don't think everyone is meant to experience it.

It seems to me like you need assistance learning how to resolve and cope with these feelings of alienation and the baggage that's coming with it. And I think you know that on at least some level because you wouldn't have even considered regretting it if you didn't see at least some hint of there being cons that you might not want to live down.

It's not easy to find a competent therapist. Plus, I don't have the money.

^ I think the things you think we have all thunk. Your ideas are not unique. I believe that you are trapped inside a bunch of passing thoughts. "To pretend we have the perfect life and make everyone effing jealous," Is not the perfect life, it is pretending. Cut youself some slack and get outside your head. If you workout, find a friend and just do it. Build a non-sexual realationship or two to validate yourself. You're going to make yourself miserable trying to be someone else. Dude, get outside your head. (What you'e thinking now is going to make you feel awful.)

I do work-out, I have tons of friends. Lots of them are straight guys who, for some reason, love hanging out with me. But I am a loner, after all, I could never spend too many hours with someone and if I do, I need some re-charge time the following day.

 

[ballcaphair]

Re: My road to asexuality as a narcissistic singleton

Hi guys, thank you for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me.

By reading your posts, I came to realize that I'm driven by fear and disappointment. Every time I am attracted to a guy, it's either a straight guy (I can't help it) or it's some gay guy who just does not have the time to put up with me. Furthermore, I have a small dick and I know for a fact that's a major let down for most guys. Almost no gay guy would accept me in the long term. So it's like I don't even care to make an effort to overcome my insecurities. I am 30 y.o. It would take me years to improve as a person.

Plus, you need an open and genuine heart to love and be loved back. I believe in love, but I don't think everyone is meant to experience it.



It's not easy to find a competent therapist. Plus, I don't have the money.



I do work-out, I have tons of friends. Lots of them are straight guys who, for some reason, love hanging out with me. But I am a loner, after all, I could never spend too many hours with someone and if I do, I need some re-charge time the following day.

Boy crubbed, Don't kick yourself when you're down. Look for love, because the quest is a hopeful thing. I'm getting close to your age and that does affect our outlook, but I have a straight friend who is 50 ish and just was divorced. He's shopping for a companion because he doesn't want to be alone. Age, like dick size, is more in our heads. If you're not a porn star, they don't matter. I crush on straight guys too and probably for the same reasons we all do. Keep working out, if you're like me, it will make you feel better. If you have no money for a therapist, go to Mental Illness Happy Hour forums and hook up. I go there a couple of times a week because I get too much inside myself. I do not mean to preach, but do everything you can do to buff up your self.

 

[crubbed]

I can't break the pattern

That's how it always goes -- I don't fall for guys very often, but when I see one that I like I know I like him.

First date goes well, second date goes well, we keep chatting, we make out, then we meet again, we kiss passionately, I postpone sex because I'm too afraid he will reject me and what happens is... I fall for the guy and he becomes uninterested. He gives me the cold shoulder.

It's happened to me over and over.

I refuse to get ashamed of my feelings. If I like someone, I should be happy about it because it means I am able to have feelings. What bums me is that guys have a 180 in the space of one day.

There's this guy I was crazy about. We kissed and hugged passionately on a Friday night. He was ice cold on Sunday. And he even flirted with someone else right in front of me. How am I supposed NOT to have feelings when I am intimate with someone for a whole night? I refuse this concept. I am not a robot.

Plus, I have not had sex for 3 years. If this guy and I had had sex... and he rejected me... I would not even be able to get off my bed now.

I think it all boils down to fear of rejection. It's paralyzing me. Any advice on this would be much appreciated. Oh and before you suggest therapy, I am looking for a therapist already.

 

[SeaCore]

Re: I can't break the pattern

Well, you can break the pattern. Making out isn't essential to starting a relationship. Maybe you're sending a bit of a mixed message about your intentions. Granted, kissing is just kissing, but people might be reading a bit more into than you'd like.

Have you tried a dating app?

In what way have y'all clicked when chatting? Same interests?

What settings are you doing this in? Maybe you're looking for people in a space that is meant for less serious interactions?

 

[Seasoned]

Re: I can't break the pattern

It’s difficult to know another person’s objectives. That’s why “clicking” may or may not mean anything. The same with sex. Many people are going to treat it more casually than you. You need to be true to yourself but do realize that waiting to have sex with someone won’t be a guaranty that it will lead to a longer term relationship.

 

[crubbed]

Re: I can't break the pattern

Well, you can break the pattern. Making out isn't essential to starting a relationship. Maybe you're sending a bit of a mixed message about your intentions. Granted, kissing is just kissing, but people might be reading a bit more into than you'd like.

I do read a lot into kissing when I kiss someone I have dated a few times.

Have you tried a dating app?

Don't get me started on them. I have deleted all of them. Nothing good has ever come out.

In what way have y'all clicked when chatting? Same interests?

We just got along. I especially liked him (the latest guy I dated) not feeling like a subordinate to me. Like he wasn't waiting for me to take the lead. He was proactive. He didn't come across like someone who could be easily hurt by me. Which I like. But then he hurt me lol

Maybe you're looking for people in a space that is meant for less serious interactions?

I don't even have sex with them. Thanks for your feedback

It’s difficult to know another person’s objectives. That’s why “clicking” may or may not mean anything. The same with sex. Many people are going to treat it more casually than you. You need to be true to yourself but do realize that waiting to have sex with someone won’t be a guaranty that it will lead to a longer term relationship.

I should print this out and repeat it to myself over and over. I have a question for you guys. How am I supposed not to have expectations?

If you date someone and then after a month or so you two kiss on a Friday, you hug, you text cute things to each other... isn't it safe to assume that on Sunday you will still desire to touch and kiss each other? This guy gave me the cold shoulder, treated me like a stranger and flirted with another guy just 2 days after he acted like we had finally become an item of sorts. Am I making any sense? I am lost.

I know the answer always is : "He is not that into you". But still...

 

[SeaCore]

Re: I can't break the pattern

So the issue isn't so much not having expectations it's about communicating those expectations to the other person. Do you think you'd feel better if this guy had essentially broken up with you? If you could know specifically why?

Because I don't think it'd be unreasonable to mention to someone you're interested in that you've been ghosted a lot and that if things look like they're not going to work out to talk with you about what's up.

Do you still have this guy's number? If you have the right approach you might be able to ask them what happened so you can hopefully learn from it.

 

[crubbed]

Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

Today I'm sad. I'm feeling extra lonely.

I live in a city I don't belong to. At work, everyone likes me except my boss. About 3 months ago, I met a guy I fell for. He seemed to be on the same page then things went awry. He's left town for 2 months now, but I keep thinking about him.

I don't like my body. I work hard at the gym, I eat healthy and a lot. None of it seems to help.

I don't feel motivated, I wish I could spend my whole day in bed. I never had a stable relationship - I think I would have turned that into a nightmare as well. I have never experienced unprotected sex and I'm afraid I never will. To be fair I haven't had proper sex in 3 years. Nobody seems turned on by me. Apps don't work-- they make me feel less than + I'm never hot enough for the guys.

I always thought I was not going to get a partner because of my self-hatred. But when I see people around me, they're consumed with hatred towards everyone else. On the contrary, I'm always giving people a chance. I never hate on people just for the sake of it. I don't understand.

In a week I'm on holiday and I haven't booked anything. I have no desire to travel. I feel too tired. I'm yet another stereotype gay man in his 30s dealing with some form of depression.

My friends are sweet people but none of them has time to listen to my ramblings again. None of them would know how to help anyway. I'm doing therapy but no shrink has a magic wand.

It seems to me 99% of communication these days comes from Instagram stories. And God only knows I'm not playing the Instagram game.

Just needed to vent.

 

[SeaCore]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

'You live in a city you don't belong to'?

It's intriguing to me that it's the first thing you said. I've seen people feel detached from opportunities at love because they don't live in the city; so that's an interesting detail to put out there.

 

[novastar]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

You need a therapist who can effectively treat your depression.

 

[tarallucci]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

Hey crubbed... you did well letting this out and talking to us. I am always sensitive in these cases as I know what it's like and I like to be supportive. ‎

It's hard to find the right way, especially for "us", and in this modern society dynamics...‎

Bosses can be the biggest idiots so screw them, you can just avoid him and be professional enjoying the company of your work mates.

Love disappointment is heavy on the heart, I don't really have an answer for it, but what's for sure is that it mustn't be a reason to waste all the other opportunities to be happy!

Keep working out and eating healthy but don't be obsessed with it. You can't go wrong and will get your results sooner than later. Same goes for seeking a partner, apps are just a weirdos and maniacs den anyway.‎

It's a nice thing you always give people a chance and it shows your are a caring person. Many won't deserve it but it's still something for yourself. ‎

There's not much you can do when you feel down and tired, what has been helpful for me though is to just stop looking behind things and have expectations. Might sound paradoxical but when focusing on the things I am passionate about I find myself again.

I send you a hug for now and if you want to tell more I look forward to your posts

 

[7-inch]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

Today I'm sad. I'm feeling extra lonely.

I live in a city I don't belong to. At work, everyone likes me except my boss. About 3 months ago, I met a guy I fell for. He seemed to be on the same page then things went awry. He's left town for 2 months now, but I keep thinking about him.

I don't like my body. I work hard at the gym, I eat healthy and a lot. None of it seems to help.

I don't feel motivated, I wish I could spend my whole day in bed. I never had a stable relationship - I think I would have turned that into a nightmare as well. I have never experienced unprotected sex and I'm afraid I never will. To be fair I haven't had proper sex in 3 years. Nobody seems turned on by me. Apps don't work-- they make me feel less than + I'm never hot enough for the guys.

I always thought I was not going to get a partner because of my self-hatred. But when I see people around me, they're consumed with hatred towards everyone else. On the contrary, I'm always giving people a chance. I never hate on people just for the sake of it. I don't understand.

In a week I'm on holiday and I haven't booked anything. I have no desire to travel. I feel too tired. I'm yet another stereotype gay man in his 30s dealing with some form of depression.

My friends are sweet people but none of them has time to listen to my ramblings again. None of them would know how to help anyway. I'm doing therapy but no shrink has a magic wand.

It seems to me 99% of communication these days comes from Instagram stories. And God only knows I'm not playing the Instagram game.

Just needed to vent.

Hey there!

First of all, I want to send you some healing hugs and tell you that you're not alone - I'm not sure if I can be actually there for you in person or not, but I'm more than glad to be your friend who's willing to listen to any "ranting".

It's good that you've gone to see a shrink, but as you said they can't just magically make it all disappear.

I have gone through a similar phase in my life, where I self-loathed myself to the extent that I didn't even try to download any dating apps or connect with anyone as I just "assumed" that no one is interested and that I will have to live with that.

Although I'm only 24 I felt like this is the end, and I succumbed to some kind of depression, but believe me life has more to it than just searching for a boyfriend or partner. What's worse in my case is that I had a boyfriend and he cheated on me, so this made me feel even the more worse about myself and I had a very poor image of my self-worth, but guess what? I managed to get over that. It took me a very long time to do that, but I wanna tell you that no matter what you're going through there's always a solution to it.

If you don't feel comfortable writing here in the thread, then feel free to send me a private message.

I'll be waiting! Hugs

- - - Updated - - -

Hey there!

First of all, I want to send you some healing hugs and tell you that you're not alone - I'm not sure if I can be actually there for you in person or not, but I'm more than glad to be your friend who's willing to listen to any "ranting".

It's good that you've gone to see a shrink, but as you said they can't just magically make it all disappear.

I have gone through a similar phase in my life, where I self-loathed myself to the extent that I didn't even try to download any dating apps or connect with anyone as I just "assumed" that no one is interested and that I will have to live with that.

Although I'm only 24 I felt like this is the end, and I succumbed to some kind of depression, but believe me life has more to it than just searching for a boyfriend or partner. What's worse in my case is that I had a boyfriend and he cheated on me, so this made me feel even the more worse about myself and I had a very poor image of my self-worth, but guess what? I managed to get over that. It took me a very long time to do that, but I wanna tell you that no matter what you're going through there's always a solution to it.

If you don't feel comfortable writing here in the thread, then feel free to send me a private message.

I'll be waiting! Hugs

- - - Updated - - -

Hey there!

First of all, I want to send you some healing hugs and tell you that you're not alone - I'm not sure if I can be actually there for you in person or not, but I'm more than glad to be your friend who's willing to listen to any "ranting".

It's good that you've gone to see a shrink, but as you said they can't just magically make it all disappear.

I have gone through a similar phase in my life, where I self-loathed myself to the extent that I didn't even try to download any dating apps or connect with anyone as I just "assumed" that no one is interested and that I will have to live with that.

Although I'm only 24 I felt like this is the end, and I succumbed to some kind of depression, but believe me life has more to it than just searching for a boyfriend or partner. What's worse in my case is that I had a boyfriend and he cheated on me, so this made me feel even the more worse about myself and I had a very poor image of my self-worth, but guess what? I managed to get over that. It took me a very long time to do that, but I wanna tell you that no matter what you're going through there's always a solution to it.

If you don't feel comfortable writing here in the thread, then feel free to send me a private message.

I'll be waiting! Hugs

 

[LatinCoffee]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

Virtual hugs your way bud. Its easy to feel down but try to get out and go shopping, watch funny movies, enjoy your own company for now. Try not to focus on the negative and focus more on the positive things in your life.

If you need to talk...PM me. I need to vent at times, too! We all need someone to just listen. It's gonna be ok! I promise!

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Re: Feeling lonely & sorry for myself

Snap out of it, crubbed, and grow up (ahead of time).

Feeling sorry for yourself is a luxury.