Unbelievably depressed and contemplating suicide

[jdcnow]

Interesting condition what Adrusek81 go through.
Is there a name for this condition ?

Yeah, "normal". And "curious".

 

[jdcnow]

So there's this awesome girl I know from tumblr. She's a registered nurse who works in mental health - abnormal psychiatry, to be exact. So she's someone who's seen it all. She lives in Canada. I follow her blog religiously, and she's the smartest, sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet. I'll be PMing you her contact info after this post - I have her permission to do so.

I asked her about you. She's seen this thread, and this is what she told me to tell you...

Your reply is absolutely 100% everything that this young man needed to hear. All I could really add is that curiosity is completely natural, and that while he can appreciate the aesthetic of a woman, it does not make him any less of a man. I personally identify as completely heterosexual, but I still find myself looking at women and thinking “she’s pretty hot…” but it’s more from an admiration perspective than one of genuinely wanting to connect to her on a spiritual/sexual level. Another thing to bear in mind is this:

Suicide is a PERMANENT reaction to a TEMPORARY situation.

It’s human nature to look at other people and be curious about them, whether it’s from a strictly ‘platonic’ standpoint or a sexual curiosity.

It’s a horrible comparison, but it’s like someone who is lactose intolerant looking at a cheesecake. They know they don’t want it because they won’t like the way it makes them feel, but they can still appreciate that it’s a damn good looking cake, and be curious about what it might taste like. But ultimately they know that they don’t really want to have it.

The rest of her message back to me is her contact information, which I'm PMing to you, now.

Hugs. Please keep us advised.

 

[Adrusek81]

Thank you all, once again, for your kind support. I am sorry if I haven't answered directly to every single one of you, but my thought processes have been completely messed up lately, and I cannot function properly. It's as if all the joy has been sucked out of my life: all the things I used to enjoy, like listening to music or painting, have disappeared into a sea of discoloured sadness. I cannot sleep well because, as soon as I relax I get bursts of anxiety brought about by unwanted thoughts and images, I feel tired and completely defeated and my very body seems to be both lifeless and joyless.

To all the people who offered their help and tried to cheer me up before I wrote what really happened to me, thank you. I hadn't taken the time to show my gratitude before and that wasn't fair.

However, before continuing, I want to thank you, Jdcnow, for your UNBELIEVABLE generosity and the support that you have unconditionally shown to me, a complete stranger, all throughout this ordeal. You are a truly wonderful guy. Thank you again a thousand times. The fact that you have lent me your support unconditionally has meant the world to me, because I was feeling terribly down and you've helped me to rationalize the situation and put it into perspective (not to mention that you've told me what solution there is to my issues). I wish there was another word to express this, but since there's only one, I must repeat again: THANK YOU.

Now, I understand what both Bankside and you are saying - some fantasies or even mild impulses don't necessarily reflect the reality of who we are, or want to identify as. However, I don't have any fantasies and these are unwelcome impulses make me feel completely out of control, ill and, most importantly, they trigger intrusive thoughts that make me want to die. When I made the mistake of posting elsewhere, I got some really awful reactions, but the ones that have affected me the most were downright perverse – some people are mentally ill, and the sad part is that listening to them becomes incredibly easy when you are feeling unwell. Oh well, I am better now and I understand what you’re both saying. Thanks.

I know that in the future I will be able to see it as something maybe even irrelevant (I pray to God, if there is one, that this is only transitory), but right now it affects me beyond anything imaginable, because I feel so lost. I just want it to go away and I don't know how to do it... Anyway, I am sorry for whining. You have offered me your advice, your invaluable experience on this and your help, not to mention that several of you have also given me a solution.

Jdcnow, don't you feel terribly conflicted and ill at ease with these feelings? I am amazed at how you can remain so calm, collected and rational about them. I do get what you say, but I just cannot, for the love of me, see it as anything other than an aberration (by the way, I am not saying that bisexual people are aberrant - only that thi situation feels like that to me). It requires a lot of inner control and self-knowledge to be able to see them as a peculiarity rather than something horrifying…

Tarallucci, I appreciate your situation and value your point of view, even though my situation is very different. Thank you for your insights.

Mikey3000, thank you for your advice. Your points are very interesting and I understand that sexuality can be fluid for many bisexual (or rather, latently bisexual) individuals, but at least for the moment, it is impossible for me to perceive and understand myself as anything other than gay. I think that the advice that you, alongside others have given, is the best course: looking for therapy to understand and, eventually, be able to deal with this effectively.

Jbown239, thank you for your advice. I think that medication is the best course and psychiatric treatment is the best course of action, as well. Thank you for your concern.

KölnElch, thank you as well for sharing your experiences with me. Just allow me to ask you, were you under a lot of pressure at the time, or were you coming out of a very stressful period? Also, if you don’t mind my asking you this, how long did this last in your case? In my case, it’s only been over two weeks, but I feel so down that it would appear that I’ve been depressed for the last 20 years…


Anyway, I understand what you’re saying about unwanted, intrusive thoughts and inexplicable reactions and emotions, because I am experiencing them as well and they make me want to crawl out of my own skin. Thank you for both your advice.

 

[Adrusek81]

So there's this awesome girl I know from tumblr. She's a registered nurse who works in mental health - abnormal psychiatry, to be exact. So she's someone who's seen it all. She lives in Canada. I follow her blog religiously, and she's the smartest, sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet. I'll be PMing you her contact info after this post - I have her permission to do so.

I asked her about you. She's seen this thread, and this is what she told me to tell you...



The rest of her message back to me is her contact information, which I'm PMing to you, now.

Hugs. Please keep us advised.

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN. I'm humbled by your kindness. I have answered with a private message.

 

[jbrown329]

Adrusek81, you're very welcome. About 3 weeks ago I went had a really bad spell. Thankfully I had the support of a very good friend. She's like a 2nd mother to me. I also figured out that I was having a bad reaction to some new medication that was added to control my seizures.

I've been where you're at. More than once. Try looking either online or somewhere close to you for a support group. Talk therapy can be very helpful.

 

[bankside]

Adrusek, one more thing to consider:

You can see that your reaction to this is intense, and your last post kind of hints about the effects of temporary pressure or stressful times. I believe that can definitely take a toll.

Consider that maybe the feelings you've noticed did not directly cause the depression, but maybe depression has been building for a while, and that is what's making these random feelings overwhelming to deal with. What I'm hearing you say is that you barely feel well enough to deal with this right now, which is why I think JDC is absolutely right to urge you to follow up. With good support for your overall mental and emotional health first, I believe you will be in good shape to either accept these feelings, or move beyond them and leave it in the past. YOU will still be YOU either way. Please be patient with yourself.

And I have to say to follow up on my own story, I can go back to those fantasies without any shame or discomfort but it has probably been a year and a half. One day, I just started thinking of something else. I'm okay with that too.

 

[jdcnow]

Like I promised in my PM, I **WILL** be following up on you, to make sure you truly are OK. Please keep us advised.

 

[jdcnow]

So, how did the doctor appointments go? As promised, I'm following up with you, to make sure you're OK.

And I have a message from the woman from Tumblr I instructed you to contact. She wants to hear from you. Email her, and let her know you're OK.

Hugs.

 

[alphacentauri]

I don't really know what to say to help, but please don't kill yourself.
Hang on in there. Things will change. Whatever has happened you will look back on it in the future and it will seem far less important than it does right now.

This. Please get help and talk to people ,and do not act on it.

There's nothing wrong with taking small steps to understand that you're bisexual and attracted to women as well. I know a guy that is in his 50s who came out as gay in the early 80s when he was in his very early 20s but he's bisexual since he is sexually attracted to women, and is just now coming to terms with it.

 

[Adrusek81]

The appointments with the GP and the therapist went well, thank you for asking. I had been feeling better, but I have been shocked today to realize that these feelings can burst out of nowhere with a vengeance and wreck you completely. I will write extensively tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, as well as the diagnosis I got (my reaction has been so adverse precisely because I am not bisexual).

Thank you again for your advice, support and kindness. I wish you all the best, and I will answer each one of your messages. Sorry if I cannot do it now, but I'm not in the best of places at the moment.

Have a wonderful day and thank you again for everything.

 

[GreyUnderscore]

It's good you're getting help. You'll get through this.

 

[jbrown329]

The appointments with the GP and the therapist went well, thank you for asking. I had been feeling better, but I have been shocked today to realize that these feelings can burst out of nowhere with a vengeance and wreck you completely. I will write extensively tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, as well as the diagnosis I got (my reaction has been so adverse precisely because I am not bisexual).

Thank you again for your advice, support and kindness. I wish you all the best, and I will answer each one of your messages. Sorry if I cannot do it now, but I'm not in the best of places at the moment.

Have a wonderful day and thank you again for everything.

Sometimes I can feel the depression creeping up on me. Other times I can't. Those times it can be like flipping a light switch. From being ok to full blown depression in an eye blink.

At least when it's creeping, I can try to do things to change my mood.

 

[bankside]

The appointments with the GP and the therapist went well, thank you for asking. I had been feeling better, but I have been shocked today to realize that these feelings can burst out of nowhere with a vengeance and wreck you completely. I will write extensively tomorrow to let you all know how things are going, as well as the diagnosis I got (my reaction has been so adverse precisely because I am not bisexual).

Thank you again for your advice, support and kindness. I wish you all the best, and I will answer each one of your messages. Sorry if I cannot do it now, but I'm not in the best of places at the moment.

Have a wonderful day and thank you again for everything.

Don't apologise. Even with the concern people here have for your wellbeing, a quick note like this just to check in is perfect, and you don't owe us updates. We're hoping things are looking a bit better but take your time and post at your own comfort level. I think part of recovering from this kind of experience is feeling free to not have to think about it all the time.

 

[KölnElch]

Good to hear from you. Take your time.. all the best wishes.

 

[chrisrobin]

Happy September! How goes it?

chrisrobin/concerned

 

[Adrusek81]

Happy September! How goes it?

chrisrobin/concerned

God, it's been such a long time since I was last here! I just wanted to mention that I went through therapy for SO-OCD for a year, and thanks to that and Sertraline I recovered within four months, even though I continue going to therapy to deal with the causes of OCD itself for over a year after that.

I am just glad that it is over and, to anyone who has these incredibly noxious, invasive and damaging thoughts and compulsions, please remember that they are not real, you are feeling them because you are ill and with proper therapy and medication, they will disappear.

Thanks to everyone of you who were so kind as to lend me your support during that horrible period. i am glad that it is in the past, because OCD makes you feel like you don't have any recourse or means to escape; it is the result of the brain being almost at war with itself, and that is terrible.

Well, I just wanted to share my "happy end" story with all of you. Thanks again for your kind words and your support!

 

[KaraBulut]

...OCD makes you feel like you don't have any recourse or means to escape; it is the result of the brain being almost at war with itself, and that is terrible.

That's a good explanation of OCD.

Well, I just wanted to share my "happy end" story with all of you. Thanks again for your kind words and your support!

So often with these support threads, the OP disappears and we never know what happened to them.

Thanks for coming back to this thread and giving us an update. And congrats on finding the right resources and congrats on turning the situation around.

 

[Seasoned]

Thank you for the update. And thanks for shedding light on a mental disorder. We all must learn to be aware for ourselves and others that just as we see someone when our bodies have symptoms, we need to do the same for the mind and brain. And just as the ailments of the body run the gamut from minor to severe, so, too, with the brain.

Again, thank you, and all the best!