Uncertainty - need to clarify but I don't know how

[varnio]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a situation of uncertainty and I would like to ask for your help.

I'm 21. In the past two months and a half, I've spoken in whatsapp with a guy, half year older than me. It all started on OkCupid. We sent photos each other and we started talking, thinking I that we have many points in common.

He lives 20 miles away from me, but he is studying in other point of the country. Since we started talking, he came here a weekend and, after, a few days between Christmas and New Year.

Both times I tried to combine something with him, to know him personally. But, both times, he said he had to see his family and working on the thesis, and we didn't meet. I told him that I could go near his home and we stay together neither a few minutes (do not know if it would be the ideal way, but otherwise it is when? ... I really want to meet him!), to get to know who was who, but also not.

Nevertheless, we talk almost every day and I'm feeling very identified with him. He has also told me the same, but without the same conviction (we don't talk a lot about "feelings"; we talk about our days and our interests).

Since I started talking to him, I never went to OkCupid. However, some days ago I went there and I saw he continues to go there, and even added a photo in his profile. He is writing a master's thesis and I know that represents a lot of work... but normal wouldn't be he wants to meet me?

It is the first time I'm "involved" to this point with someone (never asked him but I think he also) and don't really know what I should do. On the one hand I don't want to destroy everything, but on the other hand I don't want to be made of silly.

Will I ask him if he talks to someone else by phone apps (in this context) besides me? Should I ask him how he sees me: if as a merely virtual friend or as someone who he would like to know better? I need to clarify the situation...

I don't know what I can do. I never spoke this with anyone and if someone can let me some advice, I will be very grateful. I appreciate in advance to everybody.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

It seems to me he's just interested in the sexting/cyber part of it all - with you and others - and isn't interested in bringing any of these "relationships" into the real life.

 

[varnio]

It seems to me he's just interested in the sexting/cyber part of it all - with you and others - and isn't interested in bringing any of these "relationships" into the real life.

Thanks for your reply.

I hadn't yet thought in this possibility. I "opened the game" and I finding more ou less this.

Thank you again, borg69unimatrix

 

[Craiger]

I have to agree with Borg. By not pursuing a chance to meet you in person I think he is more interested in an Internet relationship. The distance of 20 miles is certainly short enough to spend one or two hours over coffee or lunch. In my opinion you would be better served to find another contact that would be willing to meet and share some personal time with you. Unfortunately the Internet has become ripe with virtual relationships and without that personal touch, you will never know who the person really is. If all you have seen were pictures, there is no guarantee that the person in those photos is who he claims to be. I wish you the best in your search.

Craiger

 

[KaraBulut]

When someone goes to this much trouble to put up barriers - too busy, family, thesis, etc- they're avoiding something. And often it's because there's information that is being withheld... or because the person fears that you will be disappointed when you find out that information.

Either you will have to accept that this is an online relationship or, if you want more, it's time to move on.

 

[Seasoned]

^I agree. Try not to let this drive you nuts or be all consuming. He's sending a message.

 

[Autolycus]

It looks as though you have made contact with someone who is living a fictitious on-line life. It is not entirely clear from your first post that your 'friend' actually came to call or merely said that he would and then made excuses for his absence.

If he is continuing to 'chat' with other people on-line, it would appear that he is a fraudster who has probably discovered where you live but is not prepared to let you know where he lives. Unless you have met him in a public place you have no way of knowing that he is six months older than you, that he is a student or genuine in any way.

There has been a recent case here in the UK where a teenager was in a similar situation from yourself. He did go to meet his on line 'friend' and was murdered by him. You need to exercise extreme care when dealing with people you meet on line!

 

[varnio]

It seems to me he's just interested in the sexting/cyber part of it all - with you and others - and isn't interested in bringing any of these "relationships" into the real life.

I have to agree with Borg. By not pursuing a chance to meet you in person I think he is more interested in an Internet relationship. The distance of 20 miles is certainly short enough to spend one or two hours over coffee or lunch. In my opinion you would be better served to find another contact that would be willing to meet and share some personal time with you. Unfortunately the Internet has become ripe with virtual relationships and without that personal touch, you will never know who the person really is. If all you have seen were pictures, there is no guarantee that the person in those photos is who he claims to be. I wish you the best in your search.

Craiger

When someone goes to this much trouble to put up barriers - too busy, family, thesis, etc- they're avoiding something. And often it's because there's information that is being withheld... or because the person fears that you will be disappointed when you find out that information.

Either you will have to accept that this is an online relationship or, if you want more, it's time to move on.

^I agree. Try not to let this drive you nuts or be all consuming. He's sending a message.

It looks as though you have made contact with someone who is living a fictitious on-line life. It is not entirely clear from your first post that your 'friend' actually came to call or merely said that he would and then made excuses for his absence.

If he is continuing to 'chat' with other people on-line, it would appear that he is a fraudster who has probably discovered where you live but is not prepared to let you know where he lives. Unless you have met him in a public place you have no way of knowing that he is six months older than you, that he is a student or genuine in any way.

There has been a recent case here in the UK where a teenager was in a similar situation from yourself. He did go to meet his on line 'friend' and was murdered by him. You need to exercise extreme care when dealing with people you meet on line!

I hoped to answer before but things passed and I tried to refresh my mind.

I found his facebook and so I had an idea about him. The photos belong to him and he said the true about his age or studies. But yes, I confirmed that there were other things that he was hiding me.

I realized that he didn't tell me always the truth (things that made no sense) and one time I've been direct and told him so. After, I told him that I discovered his facebook. It was the perfect situation to he finish "everything". He stayed notoriously very disturbed.

Honestly, would you be angry if someone saw you on facebook, especially when you "exposed" yourself to that?

In fact, all of you had reason. I did not answer before but I read everything you wrote carefully and today I regret not have asked this sooner. Thank you all.

PS: Craiger, were not 20 miles but 20 kilometers, around 10-15 miles. My mistake, sorry.

 

[KaraBulut]

It shouldn't be this much work. It really shouldn't.

 

[Craiger]

It's good to know all these things now and it sounds as though you are moving ahead. Keep searching, but be sure to meet whomever in person before making any lasting commitments. Best of luck in your search and keep us in the loop.

Craiger