Uncomfortable with my boyfriend watching porn

[Avernio]

Hi guys!

A little bit about me before I start asking for advice. I'm 22 and just graduated from college. My boyfriend and I have been together for just about 8 months now. He is also my first boyfriend that I've ever had.

I get uncomfortable around him when I think about him watching porn. I feel betrayed for some reason. Today I went home for lunch, and as soon as I left, he started watching porn and looking up sites with guys on them and sometimes even singling porn stars out. He went on a few tumblr blogs and he goes to marcdylan.xxx. This makes me feel pretty uncomfortable to the point of tears and a lot of anger.

I'm trying to work through this, because I can see the logic of it being okay as long as he recognizes it's a fantasy. But I also don't like the idea of him fantasizing about other guys. But I also feel like that is too controlling of me. We talked about this a few nights ago and he thinks it is a trust issue. He thinks it's a problem that I have about my self-esteem and about trusting him to do the right thing.

I think what really gets me is that it feels like he is hiding it from me. Like he feels that he can't talk to me about it. Granted it does make me feel uncomfortable, but I don't want him to hide anything and it worries me that he feels like he needs to. It just makes it seem like he's doing something wrong if he has to hide it from me.

Any advice, opinions, or perspectives are welcome. I just need help with how to sort through all of this while keeping my sanity!

 

[AstareGod]

First off, let me say I have been in your exact position before. My last boyfriend had (still has) a very high libido, and since mine was lower, he frequently took care of things on his own. The only time it really bothered me was when I was home and wanted to spend time with him. Porn for him almost seemed like an addition, and a waste of time, to me.

You absolutely have a right to feel how you feel; however, just as you mentioned, he'll probably find ways to hide it and do it anyway without your awareness.

Guys are guys - we all notice attractive guys and girls, even when we're in relationships. Porn gives us the opportunity to enjoy these attractive guys and girls a little more intimately. But once the load is blown, there's nothing left - except for you! As long as he comes back to you, and the sex between you two is great and doesn't suffer because of his use of porn, I shouldn't think there's anything to worry about.

This being your first relationship, you have some learning ahead. We all do. Find out which compromises you're OK with and which ones you're not. Find a happy medium with the boyfriend you're with. And it's always a good idea to COMMUNICATE, set some boundaries and expectations, and revisit them when necessary.

 

[HunterM]

I think what really gets me is that it feels like he is hiding it from me. Like he feels that he can't talk to me about it. Granted it does make me feel uncomfortable, but I don't want him to hide anything and it worries me that he feels like he needs to. It just makes it seem like he's doing something wrong if he has to hide it from me.

Any advice, opinions, or perspectives are welcome. I just need help with how to sort through all of this while keeping my sanity!

You stated that you don't want him to hide from you. That means you want an open communication. Open communication is a two way street. If you keeps getting upset or angry when he brings up the subject of porn, why should he talk to you then, right? If you make it uncomfortable for him to talk, then he's going to stop talking. He is going to think, "Why bother? He's going to get upset and blame everything on me anyway."

You have a problem of him looking at porn. Why are you on this porn site? Do you occasionally browse around naked guys on this site? If you do, does he have a problem with you? You don't have to answer these questions here. Just answer for yourself.

I don't know any man, gay or straight, who doesn't look at porn. OK, maybe the Pope. Many JUB members are partnered and are comfortable looking at naked guys on this site. Just saying.

 

[racer2438]

From what I gather you bth don't communicate well or very little at all. That's problem # 1

2. There is some n security issues. I'm sure you can figure out who it is

3. As long as he is not cheating , I don't see the problem, you have already said his drive is higher than yours, what do you expect him to do, keep it all inside him...that won't work

4. At 8 months your still figuring each other out, your still very young
5. Read #'s 1 and 2 again.

You guys need to talk more about wants / needs more..much more.

 

[darden]

this definitely screams insecurity to me... I can empathize with your boyfriend.

I've been jerking off since I was a kid, and I'll probably keep jerking off until I'm an old man. porn is just porn. I enjoy looking at hot guys fucking eachother; it doesn't mean I don't find my partner attractive too. two people's sex drives aren't always in-sync, and a lot of times, it's not even about sex. cumming relaxes me, and sometimes if it's been a stressful day or I can't sleep at night, I just want to turn on some porn and not really think about anything (as opposed to sex with my partner -- which I love, love, love, but it requires a lot more mental and physical energy than just beating off to porn)

 

[lodeus369]

I agree with darden 100%!!! I think the issue becomes a problem when you partner is unable to "perform" with you alone (meaning not attracted to you anymore) or addiction to the extent that it interferes and hinders quality of life.

 

[Avernio]

Thanks guys! I'm feeling much more comfortable with the idea now. I just needed some perspective outside of our relationship.It's my first relationship, so I just wanted to see how others deal with it.

 

[bankside]

I'm 15 years into my first relationship with a guy. We both recognize our sexuality, which is special to us and private, is still part of a larger picture of human sexuality and gay sexuality in particular. It's interesting to see what's going on out there! And thankfully there are lots of creative exhibitionists.

It's turned us on, and given us ideas, and then we express that with each other. When I look at porn, I see a hot idea and I think "Wow - i did that with my guy last week" or "I'm definitely going to try that with my guy this week." Don't assume it has to be a negative thing or that it lessens your relationship. In those ways, it has added to our relationship.

That's how it is now. At first though, he was a bit shy about me "catching him" watching porn. That was the only part of it that made me feel uncomfortable and it did bother me a lot. If he wanted to look at it, fine, but I could not accept him excluding me from that.

My two rules for happiness in a relationship and porn are:
1)most of your sex life/orgasms need to be with your partner, not the porn.
2)if you're enjoying some image and the opportunity is there to include your partner, take it every time, don't shut him out.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Guys are going to look. You can't stop that. Porn is innocent fantasy, as long as it doesn't interfere with real life. If he'd rather do porn than be with you, I would See that as a problem.

You should be relieved... a lot of guys on here catch their bf's flirting and chatting with guys on hook up sites behind their backs.

Also... maybe he's insecure, and trying to learn some new techniques to use on you.

 

[baltimore]

My best advice is to just learn this is really normal. I have a high sex drive too. I love to masturbate and can do it twice or more a day. Would you care if he was just masturbating and not looking at porn? It's just a way to strike his imagination.

You are welcome to your feelings, but why do you think it's bad? If you are unwilling to change your opinion, you may just need to end it. He isn't going to stop, trust me.

I think that porn and masturbation are part of a successful happy relationship. I don't get to see my boyfriend all the time because we work in way opposite parts of the state. Sometimes we are just not around at the same time to have sex. If we didn't each masturbate we would go crazy.

 

[epod85]

As I once explained to my boyfriend when this topic came up, he is a male with access to the internet, the idea that he watches porn must be assumed. As long as it doesn't become an interference on his real sex life then I don't see how it's a problem. There is no need to feel insecure or betrayed by it, most guys just like visual stimulation when they jerk off.

As for him hiding it from you, it is probably unintentional or just habit, keep in mind the years this boy has been hiding his porn collection while living at home

 

[hylas]

i think youre being insecure and just need to get over it.
he is probably "hiding" it from you because he senses how insecure you are about it.
but if hes hiding it, how do you know about it? are you snooping? is he that bad at erasing his browser history?

if you want him to share that part of his sexuality with you, you can communicate that to him; maybe you guys can watch some porn together? or you can just tell him that theres no need for secrecy. but then you definitely need to stop being weird about it.

or if you just dont want to deal with it, you can also tell him to keep it hidden, out of consideration. hell still be looking at porn, but at least you arent confronted with it. agreeing to be a little discreet out of consoderation is something very different than doing something behind somebodys back.

 

[HunterM]

Also... maybe he's insecure, and trying to learn some new techniques to use on you.

^ This is so true. I keep learning new techniques and positions from watching porn. Variety is a spice of life. Without porn, I wouldn't be able to do this with my sex partner.

 

[HunterM]

Doesn't everyone in a relationship want to ignite a spark in the bedroom? Or re-kindle that passion?

 

[Just_Believe18]

There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting to look at porn. It's your jealousy and insecurity that will damage the relationship. You need only worry if he begins to create online profiles on websites and phone apps to chat with guys.

 

[journo25]

There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting to look at porn. It's your jealousy and insecurity that will damage the relationship. You need only worry if he begins to create online profiles on websites and phone apps to chat with guys.

I agree. If he's watching porn I don't see that as a problem. If he's getting more personally involved -- creating online profiles, etc. -- I think that's a concern after only 8 months.

You guys need to communicate openly. Also: have you thought of watching porn together, to make sex hotter between you? It obviously excites him. Make the effort to get into it. Watch what scenes really push his buttons.

He may simply have a much bigger sexual appetite than you do but it also seems very early in your relationship for him to need so much outside stimulation. Is he bored already?

 

[dereperez]

^ This is so true. I keep learning new techniques and positions from watching porn. Variety is a spice of life. Without porn, I wouldn't be able to do this with my sex partner.

The top needs to work on his RPMs.

 

[dereperez]

I can see the logic of it being okay as long as he recognizes it's a fantasy. But I also don't like the idea of him fantasizing about other guys.

So is it okay for him to fantasize or not?

There is no right or wrong answer to it. It's what YOU feel. If you are not comfortable with the idea of him fantasizing, then stick with it and see if you can come up with a compromise (like you have to be present when he is watching the porno).

Sometimes it is better to be firm and supportive, then wavering and indecisive.

 

[Avernio]

So I spoke with him about it one night. I didn't get flustered and I didn't get insecure. I decided to jump right in and see what would happen while keeping a lot of your guys' advice in mind. I asked him if we could watch some porn together, which he was a little hesitant at first, but I really wanted to see what would happen.

So we started off just showing each other which sites we would visit occasionally. I asked him to explain why he did or didn't like certain videos. The weird thing is, I felt fine throughout the entire conversation. We ended up picking a video to watch and we jerked off together (which I found really hot that we could do this together). And then the other day we were messing around and I had finished first. He pulled out his laptop and finished himself off while I cleaned myself up. It was different than what would normally happen, but I was okay with it. I even sat down and watched it with him.

I'm feeling more comfortable with it. We'll see how a few weeks go like this.

 

[Chuck69]

If your boyfriend would rather whack off to porn instead of you, then it's a problem. But if you're just jealous of his porn use in general, then it's your problem, IMHO.

But I have a warped perspective maybe. My ex (and we'd still be together had job opportunties not taken him away) would occasionally get blown in a toilet near his old work site by a series of strangers, and would film it. And not only did it not upset me, but I loved to see it. Even now, although he's thousands of miles away, he sends me videos of himself doing stuff with different guys, and I can't get enough.

But then I didn't just sexualize us together, I also sexualized him. So anything he did was fab in my eyes, and still is.

I celebrate his sexuality as well as mine, whether they intersect or not. So his mere porn collection wasn't a problem.