Understand My Father's Concern About AIDS but am Offended How He Brought It Up

[erobert]

I came out to my parents about 3 years ago and tonight I'm packing for my flight back to New York tomorrow after visiting them for the holidays; my father comes in and asks "Are you protecting yourself from AIDS?" He's said some uninformed, homophobic things before so I was on the defensive. Taken aback by the out of the blue nature of the question I answered "Of course I am.... why would you ask that?" He never had "the talk" so what is this about suddenly?

"Well, you know gay men live promiscuous lifestyles and there's bad people in this world..."

Getting offended I said I always engage in safe sex and condoms are effective most of the time. But most of the time isn't good enough for him.

"Don't have sex until you're married is how to protect yourself!" Seriously? That is a really old school mindset to have plus based on stereotypes about the gay community. I just walked away annoyed and frustrated.

It is good to be tested for AIDS and STD's but this was slightly offensive. Can anyone relate?

 

[purina]

I think it's sweet that he tries to express his love for you.

 

[Craiger]

I can certainly understand your frustration and annoyance, but I would imagine he is from the "old school" where was more macho to blurt out uninformed statements rather than use tact and diplomacy. I have a brother that would probably do or say about the same thing. There is always concern as a parent for their children, but also a point in life when adult questions and responses would be more appropriate. You are also at an age when you would be entitled to respond to him that his approach in such a subject could use some tact and that you would be happy to discuss it with him when he learns how to intelligently broach it with compassion and sensitivity. Just because he is your elder and parent, it does not give him the right to be offensive especially about such a private matter. If he takes offence at your response, that is his problem but it also sets him on the right track when he wants to discuss further subjects with you. That is my opinion......

Craiger

 

[bankside]

"Don't have sex until you're married is how to protect yourself!" Seriously? That is a really old school mindset to have plus based on stereotypes about the gay community. I just walked away annoyed and frustrated.

It is good to be tested for AIDS and STD's but this was slightly offensive. Can anyone relate?

To be honest I followed your father's advice. A half millimetre of latex doesn't make the idea of fucking a stranger any more relaxing. I want to know the guy I'm with and know his history. I don't think it's based on gay stereotypes. I just don't think any hookup, gay or straight, is worth the risk. It's just some random internet stranger or random bar stranger or whatever. I don't judge the morality of it, I just think that's how disease is most likely to come my way, so I avoid it.

 

[medic1]

Mate, the man loves you, he is of an older generation. Imagine the pride he had to swallow to ask such a personal question.
Take it for what it is, a sign of a loving and caring father...

 

[bruce379]

Give him a break. He loves you, even if the delivery bombed.
"Thanks dad for caring about me. Not the best delivery but hey... Here's some Viagra..��. I mean scotch.. As a peace offering. Drink it well. Happy new year dad"

 

[KaraBulut]

I can certainly understand your frustration and annoyance, but I would imagine he is from the "old school" where was more macho to blurt out uninformed statements rather than use tact and diplomacy.

^QFT

No matter how self-confident and mature we are in our real lives, most of us fall back into the same old unhealthy patterns in dealing with our family.

So, your father made a very clumsy ill-timed statement (his pattern) and you went on the defensive (your pattern).

From an objective view, what your father is showing is another one of the later stages of grief- acceptance.

As others suggested, maybe the thing to do is just acknowledge the effort. "Thanks for caring, Dad." Then maybe you both can break the old patterns?

 

[racer2438]

Would it better if he did not care? Would that put your mind at ease?

Old school ways

Old school thoughts

Some parents don't even care about their kids.


My dad ask almost the same way many yrs ago,

I answered, yes dad, thanks for asking, and I gave him a hug.

One week later he died suddenly

 

[MissAnne]

Im sorry.

I can relate in a small way. I have two people in my life that are Gay and HIV+. I have heard some family members say offensive things about this, obviously leaning on the Gay stereotype. Sometimes these people really dont understand how this stuff is offensive. If you feel comfortable, you dont have to, but perhaps sit your father down and explain to him how hurtful his language is. He probably thought that he was doing something productive.

 

[Seasoned]

"Dad, I'm assuming that this is coming from your concern for me. I'm aware of the health risk and I take every precaution. Some people both gay and straight are promiscuous. I was raised by you and mom and live my life in a way which ought to cause you no worry. Thanks for caring."

 

[dragon08]

Well I also think your dad cares, but I think that you have the opportunity to correct some stuff. When I came out, I had a little Q&A session, I corrected any misconceptions my parents had. Plus any time I hear them say something wrong I also correct them then.

Correct him on the whole all gay guys are floozies, the AIDS myth, and other stuff. Tell him they are stereotypes, AIDS is most commonly spread through hetero sex.

It could be worse, one time my mom asked without any transition whether I was a top or bottom.

 

[Craiger]

It could be worse, one time my mom asked without any transition whether I was a top or bottom.

I find it interesting that parents think they can ask any extremely personal questions, particularly about your sexual activities, however, if you were to question them on their sexual activities you might get slapped in the face. As adults, there should not be double standards and respect is a two way street.

As with the original OP, he stated the father had never had "the talk" with him, but felt free to stereotype him as a promiscuous gay man. The respect needs to come from both adults.

Craiger

 

[hylas]

Giving ignorant "advice" about HIV to gay men is a form of homophobia. If the advice came primarily from a place of real concern for your health, he'd have informed himself about the realities of gay life and HIV before giving you advice. I understand perfectly that you're pissed. I'd tell him: "I'm irritated that you're trying to give me advice on a subject I clearly know more about than you. Thank you for the concern, but if you want to give me advice, do the research first please."

 

[JohnnyFlip]

Ahhh relatives....
Your dad cares, I think. It's just that he doesn't have the necessary, accurate knowledge about homosexuality to be giving you advise, but--based on his possible prejudices--he's trying to express his love for you. That's sweet!

You may never be able to change him. You probably already know that. If you can't change him, maybe you can accept him. Do you think it would comfort his mind if you told him you aren't engaging in promiscuous lifestyles or having unsafe sex? A little white lie to ease his soul wouldn't hurt! Also, where do you think your frustration comes from? Why is your father's uninformed comments offensive?

If I told you the sky was purple and that the earth has no moon, it probably wouldn't bother you.

 

[itsmeagain]

Your dad still sees you as a little boy. He will until he is about 60 or 70. He's old school. Love him while you can. He won't be around forever. Treat him gently as you would your best friend. He just might be !

 

[netgayone]

I remember many years ago, my dad called and told me to switch to a certain channel. It was a documentary about HIV. I was a bit offended at that moment but later, thinking about it, I knew it was out of concern. So what if he was ignorant on the matter? We have the luxury to have all this info with a simple google search. Older generations not only they didn't have such ways to be informed, but also spent all their time and energy to provide for us. Their children. I even see friends that are parents now, even though they used to be up to date with everything, to stay behind on many matters, cause their everyday life is about providing for their kids. So let's not be very judgmental to our parents. They may do the best they can do for their kids, but they are also human and humans are not perfect. Judge the intentions, not the ways.