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Unexpected Ouch :(

koibito24

koibito24

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id take it as he likes your friendship, but doesnt want a relationship. sometimes that happens when you become really close friends with someone. i find that this happens most of the time when certain feelings arent expressed early on in the friendship. the person tends to see you more like a "brother", instead of a love interest. it sounds like you really like him though. why dont you ask him out on a date? or let him know of your feelings for him? break the ice of what your intentions are instead of just hanging out.
 
Mike J said:
So yeah... I've been pursuing my first real gay crush since college started last month. We hang out lots and its fun. We get dinner/lunch, watch movies, go to the gym, go to parties (where we dance together).

Then a couple days ago we were talking on the phone and he said kinda out of the the blue something along the lines of "I really like that we can hang out together and have fun without getting involved"


Ouch.

How do I take this...???

He enjoys my friendship but isn't looking for a relationship?
He senses my interested and wants to lay down that we wont date?
He is trying to get rid of me?


I've been quite depressed over this. I haven't even left my room the past couple nights for the first time since I've been at college.
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Don't take it personal, he may be one of those guys who are not too fond of relationships, apparently he enjoys your company, if he's constantly hanging out with you.
 
Honestly?

"I really like that we can hang out together and have fun without getting involved"
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I can't help but believe that if your friend knew that his words would have hurt you as deeply as they did, he might have phrased it a little better.

Maybe what he was trying to say is that he enjoys where the friendship that the two of you are sharing is going, that anything else might make it somehow "less" from his perspective.

It's always easier to assume the worse, than to except that something else for the better is actually going on. (*8*)
 
How do I take this...???
You don't have much choice but to take it.

He enjoys my friendship but isn't looking for a relationship?
Yes.
He senses my interested and wants to lay down that we wont date?
Yes
He is trying to get rid of me?
No.
 
Don't take it the wrong. It is nothing personal against you that is just the way he feels comfortable with the relationship. I mean I rather have a close friend than a one time hook up that will ruin a friendship.
 
Maybe he's just not ready for the "getting involved" part and is glad/comfortable that you are willing to go slow too.
 
Mike J said:
Well.. He is much more experienced than I (he is one year ahead of me) I haven't even kissed a guy yet and he has dated men and had sex...

I just don't understand why I'm not good enough for a relationship. I'm attractive and funny and we have fun. I mean I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all but urghh I was crushing on him for so long and I havent even met any other gay guys yet.
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He's given the gift of friendship back to you.

He's expressed how he feels about you, don't let your crush get in the way of that.

Think of the multitude of guys that you can meet with him, while enjoying your friendship together!

In my experience, lovers come and go, but a friendship can last forever! (*8*)

And sometimes, a friendship can lead to more.
 
honestly i dont understand why we all put so much stress into this, why dont you make the best of what is going on and see where it leads, you dont need to always know what is going to happen just enjoy it, if it works out it works out if not, you had fun and made a friend
pining yourself in your room about it is silly though
 
Mike J said:
Well.. He is much more experienced than I (he is one year ahead of me) I haven't even kissed a guy yet and he has dated men and had sex...

I just don't understand why I'm not good enough for a relationship. I'm attractive and funny and we have fun. I mean I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all but urghh I was crushing on him for so long and I havent even met any other gay guys yet.
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Because he's smart enough to know that dating your friends is a great way to end a friendship.

And because he's smart enough to know that an inexperienced guy is more likely to fall hard and get hurt in his first relationship and he doesn't want to be that person.
 
KaraBulut said:
Because he's smart enough to know that dating your friends is a great way to end a friendship.

And because he's smart enough to know that an inexperienced guy is more likely to fall hard and get hurt in his first relationship and he doesn't want to be that person.
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I have to fully agree with you. Also, its college and he probably does not want to be really be tied down to a person. Just go out and have fun. Now, if you actually start developing feelings for him that are beyond friendly, I would be a little concerned. Clearly he has expressed his feelings about you and if you cannot accept them, just walk away then.
 
Reread your last post and ask yourself, "If I was on the receiving end of this crush, would I be comfortable?".

You're trying to turn a little attention from a friend into a validation.

You're trying to get your friend to feel something toward you that he's telling you he doesn't feel. Perhaps instead of wasting all this energy on this, you should go out and find a boyfriend who is interested in helping your relieve some of that horniness.
 
Maybe if he saw you paying attention to other guys he may re-think things. Look around, flirt with other guys, make new friends. Time will tell.
 
Mike J said:
Does this mean he would be interested in other things too with a no strings attached type of deal? I feel like that is something I would be fine with, I'm not so sure anymore if my crush was more emotionally attached to him so much as I think he is sexy and I want to get it on with him. Lets face it I'm almost 20, in college, and never been sexual with a guy which is all I think about. I mean, I fall behind in homework because ALL i think about it wanting to hook up.

Is this something I should pursue ... or am I absolutely insane and this is a terrible idea.

or am I too horny for my own good.

:confused:
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Ding, ding, ding, and we have a winner! You want his wiener! :bj:

I've met guys that I really like, but once I found out that all that they really wanted was to "hook up" with me, I was okay with that.

If all that they saw me as whenever we hung out was just a piece of meat, well hell I like to get laid too! :sex:

But I have a condition.

I'll promise you the best night of sex in your life, we'll get hot and sweaty, and I'll show you things, and do things that you'll never forget!

But once I get out of that bed, and put my clothes back on, we're done. I won't call you, I won't return your calls, I won't date you, and there's no chance that I'll ever be hanging out with you in the future.

I tell them that.

A couple of guys have actually taken me up on that offer, and couldn't understand why I would cut them off like that.

Because I laid out the ground rules, and they accepted. I'm not a piece of meat, they wanted my body and my dick, and I gave them what they wanted.

I wanted the friendship.

That friendship could have turned into something more, but their only interest in me was finding out what I had in my pants. And they wanted that now.

So Mike be prepared.

This guy obviously likes you, and is comfortable enough with you to "bump and grind" with you on the dance floor, because he trusts you.

Once he figures out that you just want to hook up with him, that comfort factor is going to go out the window, and you might actually get to hook up with him.

Just don't be too surprised if you find him distancing himself from you.

That would be an "ouch" that you should expect.

It's messed up I know.

Which is one of the reasons why I don't "sleep with my friends."

It changes the dynamic, no matter how hard we try for it not to.

I have to have a comfort level with my friends, and the fact that we've been physically intimate with each other, while not actually being in a "relationship" is uncomfortable for me.

Who knows, maybe he'll agree to have sex with you, and maybe something beautiful will come from it.

I just don't see it ending well for you.

In my short life I've found that lovers comes and go, but friends are forever. (*8*)
 
hey texpatriot, I'll be your friend :)

I would go with the flow, show him how independent you are, meet guys, go on dates, show him how good of a person you are. Show him how sexy you are. He might just turn his attention to you in that way. But you have to give him something to look at, you have to be an example of a person who has it together that isn't hanging on him. Maybe then will he like you that way.
 
Hmmm ... as for the "dirty dancing," I wouldn't put too much stock into it, as I dirty dance with EVERYBODY (male, female, young, and old). For me, it signifies a confidence and comfortableness with one another and something one certainly wouldn't do with just an acquaintance.

I am great friends with my first overwhelming gay crush from high school, and he's aware of that fact (which is still alive and well to this day). To reiterate what the majority of people have already said, "I do not wish to disrupt and/or possibly ruin the dynamic of our friendship for just a roll in the hay." We flirt (but I flirt with everyone, as mentioned earlier), and he even kisses me in public ... lol, and with full tongue on New Year's Eve and/or other special events, but never anything more.

Enjoy the friendship and be thankful.
 
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